AIBU to be annoyed by partners answer to step daughters question?

[Strawberrylaceaddict]

Apologies a bit long, but thought some back ground info would help. My and my dp have been together for 6 years, he has a 12 year dd and I have an 8 yr old ds. My ds is very attached to his stepdad and they have a wonderful relationship, as do I with dsd.

Dsd is very attached to her father, in that she has to be next to him all the time, if she doesnt then we often get full on melt downs. For example sitting in a restaurant no one can sit next to him apart from her, if we are out my ds is not allowed to hold his hand etc. I think this is because my ds is at home with him everyday, and dsd is here at weekends. That’s fine, we all appreciate she needs that time with her dad and they often spend time doing stuff just as father and daughter.

Last night however, we went out to dinner and the kids started playing ‘would you rather’ at which point dsd asks dp, would you rather me or xxx (my ds) I piped up there and said I don’t like this game lets play something else but dp went in to answer with , ‘of course you, your my daughter and the most important’ dsd then carried on with other questions, along the lines of ‘would you rather me (dd) or me (as in me his partner)’. AIBU to think that this conversation wasn’t fair in front of my son, and to be annoyed? Or am I reading too much into it and should just ignore it? Of course I understand she is after all his daughter, but I feel that in front of my son he could of been a bit more tactful and say something along the lines of ‘that’s impossible to answer as I love you both the same and you are both as important as the other’? It does appear to have gone over my sons head as he would of spoken to me about it by now, so It’s just me that’s upset by this.

[longwayoff]

It has not gone over his head and your partner is a fool to allow this game playing and take part in it. You need to have some sharp words about whats appropriate. Divide and rule has no place in a family.

[Birdsgottafly]

That shouldn't have happened in front of your Son.

Tbh, the other stuff can happen in families were all the children are full Siblings. It can be a stage that preteen girls go through.

Your DH needs to manage it better when out and about, or it will escalate.

It's good that he makes her feel secure, that is so important between a Father and Daughter, especially in a separation situation.

Speak to him, it may have been thoughtless, but he needs to think about it and plan.

I'd also make sure that your will takes care of your Son.

[Secretsquirrel252]

‘That’s impossibile to answer as I love you both the same’

Of course loves her more. She’s his daughter.

It was tactless to say it in front of your DS but I think you need a reality check.

[HollyGoLoudly1]

I think you need a reality check

I don't think OP is saying that she thinks he SHOULD feel the exact same love for both children, but that he shouldnt explicitly say that in front of them. Of course it's natural that your attachment to your biological children will be stronger that to your step children, even if you have a close relationship with your step children. However it was totally out of line for him to give that answer in front of your DS

[TwistedStitch]

He was unkind to say that in front of your son, but it would be equally unkind to say what you suggested in front of his daughter (that he loves them both the same) when you say she already has difficulty with another child living with her Dad full time.

He should have shut the question down eg. 'we don't do picking favourites'.

[Knittedfairies]

The ‘would you rather’ type game rarely ends well. Have you spoken to your partner about his responses?

[Secretsquirrel252]

What I mean is that it’s great that the DS and DP get on but relationships break down all the time. Her DS is very attached to someone who could disappear from his life overnight.

[dragonator]

I think he should have shut the conversation down and then later had a private chat with his dd about her feelings and how much he loves her.

[Clairetree1]

he could of been a bit more tactful and say something along the lines of ‘that’s impossible to answer as I love you both the same and you are both as important as the other’?

that wouldn't be tactful, though, would it?

it would be hurtful, and a lie

he could have maybe just said it to her privately later, and not answered in public, but nothing wrong with his answer

[RB68]

Hmmm I think generally whilst I see that there is understanding of her behaviour she is being very manipulative with her father and indirectly you and your son as well. I think I would address this rather than the one incidence. She is getting too old now to allow this controlling and manipulative behaviour which is basically around guilt tripping your DP to do what she wants. To the detriment of yourself and your son

[IceCreamFace]

YANBU. I can imagine your partner had good intentions in his answer but I agree it wasn't ideal. I don't think feeding into your dad's insecurities by always allowing her to control her dad's space is necessarily a good idea.

[Neshoma]

The DD obviously has an issue with your son otherwise why say such a thing.

Did she ask for her own security, o to 'get one over' your son: to put him in his place so to speak.

I'd be tempted to speak to the DD yourself about the appropriateness of such questions and their consequences. You DP can speak to her but may not do it 'firmly' enough.

[MeyMary]

That was imo really rude.

Which should have been your DP's answer.

Something along the line of:
This is a ruse question and I don't want to continue playing.

I do however love you and your stepbrother. Just in a different way. (or something like that.)

This behaviour shouldn't be tolerated (imo) and your DP should make that clear!

Btw, I agree with a pp. Your DS does sound like he's very attached to someone that could probably disappear entirely (from his life).

Also something you should really talk about with your DP. (Imo)

[MLMsuperfan]

"You've always been my daughter and always will be. But we need to think about other people's feelings, and that question is a little unkind to ask now."

Clearly she's insecure. That needs addressing. But she needs to think of others too.

[apriljune12]

Ohhhh if this 12 year old continues this manipulation of daddy you are in for bloody tough teenage years op.

Nip this shit in the bud now. You and her dad need to be on the same page. Supporting each other and that way you can best manoever her safely through the teen years.

Divide and conquer is catastrophic for kids.

[lalalalyra]

Of course her DS is attached to his step father - they've been together for 6 years and the child is 8 so he has been around for the vast majority of his life.

You need to speak to your DP privately. It is quite usual to have those kind of questions though, but they need to be dealt with. DS1 (my step son technically) and my two girls did the exact same with DH and I at various points. It needs to be dealt with because she's either asking to have a dig at your DS, which isn't acceptable, or she's asking because she's insecure and that needs dealt with.

[Godowneasy]

Good post RB68! You've hit the nail on the head...

DSD sounds very insecure, but allowing her to manipulate and hold power over everyone like this really isn't good for her.

I'd work on redressing this imbalance -paradoxically, it may make her feel more secure.

[sosoverytired]

You need to end this manipulation right now or it will just get a whole lot worse!
From personal experience this will not end well. And everyone ends up hurt.

Talk to him. Stop enabling her. It won't be a easy conversation but if you want this to last then you need to have it now. Get on the same page and stick to it.

I wish you the best of luck.

[MysteriousQuinn]

IMO this is a really strange way for a 12 year old to act, having a melt down at not sitting next to her dad in a restaurant etc. I could understand this of a 4 or 5 year old but at 12 I find this very odd. I think you need to look at the dynamics of your family and try to find the root of this issue.

[Racecardriver]

Well he should have refused to answer. His answer was hurtful to your DS and you but if he had answered that he lived them equally the way you wanted that would have been hurtful to his DD-surely you can see that. Clearly his dd is very traumatised by what has happened, maybe he decided that it would be worth risking your happiness to avoid making her feel more insecure in the situation. You have to understand that his child should always come first to him. Clearly she hasn't in the past but at least he is trying to make up for it.

[PrettyLovely]

I agree for her age its not normal behaviour.
I also think that what she did was rude and really quite nasty she knows exactly what she is doing at her age and your partner going along with it is weak and thoughtless.

I actually feel really sorry for your son.

[Dollymixture22]

It’s not an unusual question from a child. My ten year old niece will often ask me who my favourite is out if her and her brother.

Your husband should have deflected - his answer was hurtful to your son. It’s ok for him to feel this way - but it was daft if him to say it in front of the kids.

He has now made his feelings clear to your son. Poor little man might now feel a bit insecure - give him a bit of extra attention. Could your hubby do some outings just the two of them during the week? He will never be able to take this back but he needs to give your son some reassurance that he loves him too.

[flamingofridays]

of course he loves her more but he shouldn't have said it in front of your son

very thoughtless, dsd sounds like a nightmare also

[DifficultDIY]

He should have refused to answer, but looked at her in the eyes and tell her she is very important to him, and that nobody can take the place of his precious daughter. Only she has that.
But there are also other very special people in his life too, and nobody can take their place either. That's how it works in real life.
Then end with "isn't it good that us humans can have so much extra love to give?"
Then draw her in for a hug.
But definitely never answer a question like that. Your poor son!

[TooTrueToBeGood]

This shouldn't have happened, either in front of your son or outwith his presence. In front of him of course it's bound to be hurtful to him. Even had he not heard it, it's rewarding the daughter's power play and will just encourage repeat behaviour. Whenever a child asks "who do you love more", the answer should always be along the lines of "we don't have favourites, we love you all equally" and that should be regardless of whether they are genetic children or stepchildren.