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AIBU?

AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

266 replies

Dadboddancer · 15/08/2018 21:08

Dear Mumsnet

I've turned to mumsnet in desperation and need a a female perspective.
I'm worried I'm being an insensitive husband.

I need advice about how to approach a lack of intimacy and sex in our marriage since the birth of our first child.

The back story - I've been happily married for 7 years. We were together 5 years before getting married. We have two lovely children aged 3/12 and 11 months.

The problem with intimacy started when my wife got pregnant. We did not have sex or any sexual contact during the pregnancy. This was her wish and I was fine with it. Other intimacies were ok at that stage.

After the birth - as expected -all intimacy dissipated. We did not even kiss again for 10 months. We probably had sex 3 times in the 2 years after - once amazingly conceiving our beautiful daughter. Other intimacy remained very limited (and one sided from me).

Like all other couples - I think we neglected our relationship after our first baby. However, since - I've made sure we get some "us" time even if its only once per month. I still think she is beautiful and she still gets flowers and random gifts. I've re-arranged my work schedule to have a day off at home to help with childcare and home running.

I feel awful saying this - but having sex 4/5 times in 5 years isn't enough for me. The constant rejection, and then the constant holding back so im not "pestering" is getting me down. I'm happy in every other aspect and she is an AMAZING mother.

Its so hard to talk about things without appearing to moan about not getting any

Can I ask for your collective experience:

  1. Have other couples/ ladies had similar drops in their libido after their children - if so how did things turn out?
  2. Have any of you worked through a problem like this - what was your approach?
  3. If I can't get past this - what are my options - do any of you live in sexless marriages for the kids benefit and get on ok?

    Feeling terrible about considering causing my children pain and leaving just because I dont get laid.

    Any serious views will be taken on board.
OP posts:
BasilFaulty · 15/08/2018 21:10

I was all ready to say you are being very unreasonable but not even kisses?? That's sad for both of you

Notmorewashing · 15/08/2018 21:11

Sounds like the marriage is over / she doesn’t love you anymore.

2cats2many · 15/08/2018 21:13

Relationships where the sex drives are mismatched are very very difficult. You need to tell her how you feel.

LokiBear · 15/08/2018 21:14

You need to be honest with your wife. Consider attending Relate - they help couples through this. On a personal note, I find I lose interest in sex when I feel like im doing everything around the house and for the kids. Or if resentment sets in. If he gets to pursue a hobby and im still in my scruffs feeling shit amd picking up the slack.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 15/08/2018 21:14

Sounds like the marriage is over / she doesn’t love you anymore

That's harsh.

OP how's your relationship otherwise? Do you still talk, laugh, cuddle?

Believeitornot · 15/08/2018 21:15

Sounds very similar to my experience with my husband.

When pregnant I didn’t want sex at all. It was because the idea of sex with a baby inside me was just too grim - however I have horrible personal experiences which meant that was a raw issue for me

Then after I had my first, I had quite a difficult labour and was broken with exhaustion. My body felt horrible to me and I didn’t want my dh touching me sexually. I was also touched out from all the breastfeeding - but breastfeeding was important so I didn’t want to stop.

As the years went on, I felt there was a level of resentment towards dh because he just didn’t respect the fact that I was exhausted and when I went to bed, I did not want sex. I wanted sleep! But he’d still ask anyway, massively pissing me off because he’d never say “I know you’re exhausted, but how about I please you” or some such.

Then we tried to get back on track and discussed trying to have sex at least twice a week. He expressed disappointment that this wasn’t enough and I was fucked off.

Basically whenever I got resentful or angry towards dh, the last thing I wanted was sex. Whereas dh would argue then want sex later without resolution. I can’t do that!

Anyway, we are working on it and have had a lot of frank discussions about it. It boils down to me not wanting sex for being tired/post birth recovery to resentment. Dh felt rejected and upset about it.

Things are getting better. The dcs are 8&6.

Cherubfish · 15/08/2018 21:17

Have you considered a marriage course? It's a little less 'serious' than counselling. DH and I did one and there was a whole session devoted to sex (talking about it that is!) as it's a key area for most couples.

edwinbear · 15/08/2018 21:18

I empathise, I have been in a sexless marriage for around 5 years, but it’s my DH with the lack of libido. It is very upsetting to be constantly rejected, so after a couple of years trying very hard on my part, I gave up about 3 years ago.

We sleep in separate bedrooms now and there is no physical contact at all, no hand holding, hugs, nothing. We muddle by OK, for the kids. It’s not much fun but we both feel it’s preferable to splitting the family up. How much longer we will carry on ‘muddling by’ I’m not sure.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 15/08/2018 21:20

Sexless marriages will make you both resentful.
You definitely need to start talking, counselling etc.
Does she have pnd, hormone issues?

Apart from you; does she have any other help with the children / housework etc.
Is she back at work?

Dadboddancer · 15/08/2018 21:20

There are a few cuddles - I would say 90% initiated by me.

When we cuddle her body language reads - "This is not going to be more than a cuddle" so I've learnt to be patient and not try it on.

Child care is a tough point - she does do most of the childcare and I understand this is hard work and monotonous (as well as the best thing ever). In the last 5 years she has had 2 years maternity leave and works part time. I work full time and this is very useful for us as a family - but have converted to a 4 day week with my "day off" on the day both kids arent in nursery to help out. She does do more housework - but I do the ironing every week/gardening/finances etc.

I know this is harsh on her - but I work 50 hours/week - she works 24. This makes it hard to get the balance right.

OP posts:
Di11y · 15/08/2018 21:20

That stage with small children is hard, you're busy tired and often touched out.

I'd Google love languages to figure out what your dw would appreciate as 'wooing'. I'd rather dh cleaned the kitchen without being asked than brought me flowers. But I need headspace and can't shift gear from mother to lover very easily.

Also my contraception really impacts my libido.

But most importantly speak to your dw, is she happy with the level as it stands? Things like putting a date in the diary or 'spicing things up' is irrelevant if she doesn't want it.

Tweakanddashi · 15/08/2018 21:21

I know that it feels like a long time, but if the youngest is only 11 months old then is your wife still breastfeeding and sleep deprived? It might not be much help to say this, but wr have had a similar problem and basically when one of us is too tired then we don't want sex. And breastfeeding seems to put me right off- whether this is a hormone thing or just about having the child in your personal space so much of the time I don't know.

Anyway, our youngest is 3 and it is starting to get a little better.

HelpmeobiMN · 15/08/2018 21:21

It sounds difficult OP. YANBU to want intimacy, but it is very hard when the sex drives of a couple are mismatched.

Have you spoken to her about it? If you can raise it gently (and not in the moment of rejection) you might be able to find a way forward.

Racecardriver · 15/08/2018 21:22

I think you need to talk about it. There is clearly something wrong here. Either she doesbt want sex at all-maybe she is suffering frim PND or has on going issues down there? Or she doesn't want to have sex with you in which case you need to work on your relationship but can't do that unless you know what is wrong. I struggled a little to get back into the swing of things after first child was born because I has an episiotomy scar that pinched iyswim. Eventually the discomfort faded though.

madja · 15/08/2018 21:26

It sounds like you're in a difficult situation OP. I'm in a similar situation myself due to illness, and it's hard on your relationship and self esteem. I'm hoping some of the advice you get may help me too. I empathize hugely.
Cherubfish where would you find a marriage course? Sounds interesting.

Thehop · 15/08/2018 21:26

Is your wife breastfeeding? I had a massive loss of interest and read that breastfeeding produces the endorphins that we’d normally need from sex so a feeding mother is often less interested?

I would honestly have a chat. Time it carefully and approach from a “I miss us” angle and suggest a night out rather than getting your leg over 😂. I found that if I made myself want to a few times.....having sex really does make you want it more (use it or lose it) and things slowly improved.

Certainly give yourself a treat with lorn when you need to to help you be patient x

Dadboddancer · 15/08/2018 21:28

thanks everyone - still reading.

She is breast feeding - and I understand she feels touched out.

I think I feel worse this time as it didnt get better after baby 1 and now we have 2.

OP posts:
NinkyNonkyNinkyNonk · 15/08/2018 21:30

Ok, your wife does not work 24hours a week if she is working part time and doing the lions share of childcare and housework. That comment suggests to me that you lack an understanding of what her role in your family entails.

So to follow from that, and maybe I'm projecting here (although your reply suggests otherwise) she is probably exhausted, touched out and resentful. She might feel as if she is carrying the burden of being a parent on her own. I would work with her to actively show you understand her demands, making her life easier, and definitely look at love languages. The lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem.

MajesticWhine · 15/08/2018 21:30

Hormonal contraceptives or breastfeeding can totally kill libido for women. As can pregnancy / birth related physical changes such as stitches, tears, piles, weight gain. It's early days with an 11 month old. Our sex life was rubbish at that stage. Sorry but you will need to be patient. Try to make time to have fun together.

Mummyschnauzer · 15/08/2018 21:31

I’ve been stuck in a sexless marriage for years after DS born. I don’t want to split family up. Miss out on half of DS childhood, saddle him with burdens of a broken home. I love DH and he really great in so many ways. I can’t cope repeated rejection. I’ve got a fwb. I know I’ll get slated on here but know it’s the only way for our marriage to work which I think is best for everyone. If a partner does not want to have sex fine but they can’t expect you to be faithful really. It’s worked like this in many relationships for hundreds of years.

LokiBear · 15/08/2018 21:31

If you think your wife only works 24 hours per week you are crazy. I work full time and I honestly found being at home with my kids much more challenging. Being alone with no adult company was horrible. The fact that she does the majority of the childcare means she is pulling in way more than 24 hours. If you are doing 50 hours over 4 days, shes spending a lot of time on her own doing everything with the kids. The two of you are spending barely any time together. She feels pressured whuch is why she is giving you the signals. You need to appreciate what she does and then talk to her. Find out what she needs to reconnect as a couple.

Slimtimeagain · 15/08/2018 21:34

Hi op. If finances allow, could you try surprising her by putting the kids in nursery on your day off one week and taking her out for the day? I don't know what your dating life is like, but sometimes rather than working on the sex, reverting back to being a couple rather than parents, may help. If you put less focus on the sex and more focus on you wanting to rekindle your general intimacy within the relationship then she may ease up in the bedroom.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It is so tricky. I have a low sex drive but even I couldn't live without it.

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FermatsTheorem · 15/08/2018 21:36

Hopefully this might be some use as I was single through most of my pregnancy and thereafter, so I can report on what happened to my libido in the absence of any pressure to "perform" for my partner. Pregnancy - libido went through the roof (individual experiences may and will vary, of course). Then my sex drive just vanished, completely, for about four years. I wasn't actually neutral about this, despite being single, I was actually distressed by it. My mum used to have a phrase "dead from the neck down", and that's what it felt like. My sex drive eventually came back when DS was about 4. I don't know why - I guess there was either some sort of hormonal reason or I was just plain knackered for the first 4 years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is "try not to take it personally" (impossible I know - I've been in a relationship where I was the one with the higher sex drive and rejection really hurts, especially because it's not just sex, it's the emotional connection that comes with sex, and the feeling of being desired by your partner). I think the marriage course idea sounds a good one.

Dadboddancer · 15/08/2018 21:37

I know this is a mums forum - but stick up point for dads here.

I work 50 hours a week and don't come home and put my feet up. My wife and children are my everything. Actively involved dad here.

When we are both at work - we can't do childcare too. Its just the way it works that I work more hours meaning she has more time with kids

I know mums are supermums - and dads struggle to compete - doesn't mean we don't do our bit. .

OP posts:
Nononannette · 15/08/2018 21:38

Well what does she say about it? I'm sure if she were on here we'd get a better picture of what the problem is. It could be a million things.

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