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AIBU?

DH gym habits and end of maternity leave

80 replies

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:26

I’m coming to the end of maternity leave - going back to work full time at the beginning of September when DC will be 11 months old.
During maternity leave DH has been getting up at 5.40am, fannying around for 20mins then going to the gym from 6am - 7.40ish. He then gets home, makes himself a coffee and a protein shake gets himself ready and showered and leaves the house.
During this time the baby will have woken up, I make him a bottle and feed him, change nappies (twice usually), do the babies breakfast and my own then clean up the breakfast mess, play with the baby and generally tidy eg empty dishwasher, put clothes washing on.
Now come September I’ll be needing to leave the house by 7am, arrangement is DH will drop baby to nursery then I’ll pick him up. I’m starting to get a little pissed off with the swanning out the house DH does every morning so asked him this morning if he’ll be cancelling his gym membership when I’m back in work. THeres no way I’m getting myself and the baby ready - I’ll need help in the mornings.
His answer for not helping out - he’s going to work for the rest of the day. He reckons he’ll swap gym sesh to the evenings after baby is in bed.
When exactly am I meant to have a lovely hour ++ to myself!?
AIBU after a year nearly of him having all this time without helping and doing precisely whatever he wants in the morning, that when I’m back in work full time the arrangement for helping and free time has to change?
What do other working parents do? Thanks

OP posts:

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IsTheRainEverComingBack · 14/08/2018 08:29

No YANBU at all. Did you say ‘when do I get my hour/hour and a half multiple times a week to be alone doing what I want to do?’ as a serious question. Will you alternate days? He clearly hasn’t made an attempt at being an equal parent so far.

BWatchWatcher · 14/08/2018 08:30

You probably need to sit down and work out a schedule. He gyms 2 mornings a week/3 evenings etc. There needs to be give and take.
He shouldn’t have to cancel his gym membership but equally you need free time to feel human again.

expatinspain · 14/08/2018 08:32

Does he go every day? Unless there are financial constraints, I don't think he should have to cancel his membership, but arrange something like two evenings where he has free time to go to the gym and two evenings where you have free time to do what you want to do.

As long as he's pulling his weight in the mornings, getting the baby ready, doing the nursery pick ups and doing his fair share of the daily grind, it's good to have some time to do sport or a hobby etc, as long as it's fair
to both of you.

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:34

His parenting during work days is getting home most days to play and do bath time then I actually put the baby to bed. To be fair it’s more equal on weekends and he does normally crack on with dinner while I put the baby to bed. I asked when I’m getting my own free time when I’m in work and he said ‘you could go to the gym in the morning’. I don’t want to do that!! I suppose the ideal would be every other evening we could have some time to ourselves to do a class or exercise but then we’re never going to see each other

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 14/08/2018 08:34

What’s wrong with him going when the baby is in bed at night? Just juggle the time so you get time at night to do what you want too.

BWatchWatcher · 14/08/2018 08:34

Welcome to modern parenthood

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:35

I do understand it’s unreasonable for him to not be able to go to the gym at all but I just don’t think he realises how easy he’s had it while I’ve been off work and that me going to work full time means some things will just have to change

OP posts:

Parker231 · 14/08/2018 08:35

Does he realise that he is going to need to be at home with the baby as you will also be going out to have some free time and he will need to be doing 50% of the housework, shopping etc

Nicknacky · 14/08/2018 08:37

You sound really resentful. Of course the routine will change, and both of you will need to adapt to that but whats the big issue with him going to the gym if he is normally a hands on dad and father?

If you want to go to, then just tag team round classes, times etc.

youokhon · 14/08/2018 08:39

Honestly, it sounds like his compromise is pretty fair? He is going to do everything for the baby in the morning so you can get yourself ready for work, he's not going to go out in the evening until baby is in bed. Why do you want him to cancel his membership? I agree he's had it easy while you've been on mat leave but he seems to have accepted that needs to change now. As long as you also get a couple of evenings to yourself what's the issue? You then get all weekend to do family stuff.

LotsToThinkOf · 14/08/2018 08:40

At the end risk of sounding harsh, YABU. Why should he cancel his gym membership? People with DC are able to use the gym. He's already said that he won't continue with the early morning sessions, he'll drop the baby off at nursery and then he'll go to the gym when the baby is in bed, you get your time then also and you work out a schedule of who is in/out when. He shouldn't have to sacrifice his time but he does need to compromise and share the time available.

I don't see the problem with the current situation TBH, you're at home and he's at the gym. You then get to spend the day with the baby and he goes to work. Obviously it's not easy being with a baby all day but it's hardly work.

Nikephorus · 14/08/2018 08:41

Surely when he's at the gym & the baby is in bed you'll have some quiet time for yourself (albeit at home)? And then when you want to go out he can accommodate by either doing the gym in the morning or skipping a session?

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:42

Ok so I think the answer is it’s not unreasonable as long as I get the same amount of free time? So it would be fair for him to change to alternate days gym in the evening (rather than every day he does now) and I could do the same... that does seem fair. I think I am getting resentful of feeling like I do all the bloody household drudge so hopefully things will be more even again when I’m back at work

OP posts:

BWatchWatcher · 14/08/2018 08:43

It’ll be better when you get back to work.

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 14/08/2018 08:44

I’m starting to get a little pissed off with the swanning out the house DH does every morning so asked him this morning if he’ll be cancelling his gym membership when I’m back in work.

If this is literally the first time you’ve brought this up with him, then YABU. He’s not psychic. If you haven’t at any point in 11 months mentioned that you’re not happy with the set up, he probably doesn’t realise that you’re not.

BWatchWatcher · 14/08/2018 08:44

And get a cleaner. Ifyou’re both full time and still want time to yourself, that will help.

KM99 · 14/08/2018 08:46

Sounds to me you've gone straight in with a sledgehammer. Frustration has been building and now you are demanding he cancel his gym membership. Have you ever sat down and explained you'd like some personal time and to work out a roster of some sort?

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:47

It’s not work to be home with the baby all day but the feeling of every thing coming down to you... the washing, hoovering, feeding baby (and then cleaning the kitchen down after every mealtime). To be honest I’m jealous of him getting to do his own thing in the morning and then sort himself out and go off to work and drink coffee in peace while I’m a dishevelled mess of a woman until the baby naps and I get to shower myself.

OP posts:

Sunday89 · 14/08/2018 08:48

A roster is a great idea

OP posts:

summerFruitPudding · 14/08/2018 08:49

You sound really resentful but it sounds pretty fair to me.

Sunshinegirl82 · 14/08/2018 08:50

Personally, I think 2 evenings out per week each when you're both working full time and have a young child is the maximum amount that will work. You could also each have one weekend morning (ie before 9am) to do as you please. Even then I think you will need to outsource some of the household stuff (cleaning, ironing etc) otherwise you'll spend your whole weekend doing it.

Also, can you alternate bed and bath so you mix it up a bit?

I understand where you're coming from OP, it's hard watching someone carry on as normal whilst your life has changed beyond recognition! Hopefully he'll get on board once you go back and the reality hits! Good luck!

Lazypuppy · 14/08/2018 08:51

@Sunday89

I just don’t think he realises how easy he’s had it while I’ve been off work and that me going to work full time means some things will just have to change**

You've let him have it this easy for the whole maternity leave. Have you not mentioned it to him before? Why aren't you taking turns with baby in the morning or at night? Me and my partnrr take it in turns to put LO to bed and on weekends we do 1 day each (he starts work at 5am in the week so can't help).

Stop asking him for help and tell him things need to change and have a discussion.

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Neverender · 14/08/2018 08:51

My DH was all, "Yeah, I'll do the drop offs - it'll be easy." Be prepared - after a couple of weeks he was like, "It's soooo hard."

I haven't relented and have let him get on with it, and he's got better at it. He gets out DD's clothes the night before now. BUT I had to let him learn what works for him.

I get up and out early. I'd also recommend finding something now at least one evening a week that you'll be going to. Check he's ok with it and then book it in and pay in advance if you can. For example, I go to Yoga on a Thursday and then we all go for a drink afterwards. I know I have that evening every week and it's non-negotiable (except in exceptional circumstances).

Makemineboozefree · 14/08/2018 08:52

Neither of you should have to give up hobbies, you just need to compromise and adapt. Him going to the gym in the evening is one way of you doing that. To factor in some me-time for you, I would hire a cleaner if you can afford it to free up your weekends. Then, when your DH is being hands-on with the baby, which it sounds like he is, instead of worrying about housework, you can have some time out of the house to do your own thing.

Quartz2208 · 14/08/2018 08:54

You need to sit down and figure out exactly how it is going to work and whose responsibility for things it is

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