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When will you have a child/more children

(13 Posts)
LonelyStranger Sat 11-Aug-18 23:30:29

Is it unreasonable to get annoyed at people who have a need to know about your decisions with regards to having children?
I find it irritating when people like to probe about this.
For example, a couple getting asked when they’ll have their first (why do you need to know?)
A work colleague asked me a few weeks after I got married if I was pregnant blush (in front of a lot of people - I wasn’t, but that was annoying)

If you have one child, it’s usually he/she needs a sibling, when will you try for another hmm

The latest one I’ve had, 2 is a nice number but 3 kids are so much better. You definitely need to have one more shock

MIL is by far the worst! I feel it’s disheartening, especially for those who want to and are struggling.

What’s the worst you’ve heard? Is it reasonable for people to pry like that?

GunpowderGelatine Sat 11-Aug-18 23:46:05

YADNBU it's so incredibly rude, especially asking people when they'll have their first. Fertility problems are too common to risk asking this and upsetting someone

NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten Sun 12-Aug-18 00:17:03

DH and I get asked when we are having another nearly every time we see anyone on his side of the family. When we say that we probably won't it's all "dd will grow up spoilt" "it's unfair for her not to have a sibling" etc.

What they don't know is that I've actually been pregnant 7 times. 1 baby was born, 3 miscarriages that I found out about at the 12 week scan, 1 that I miscarried slightly later, 2 early miscarriages.

People prying into my fertility and sex life is rude at best, but mostly heartbreaking. I can't understand why anyone would do it.

Verbena87 Sun 12-Aug-18 00:28:34

They are essentially asking about your plans for conception which is none of their bloody business. Start asking inappropriate sex questions back (“when will you be trying anal?” “When did you last have sex?”), then act all wide eyed when they get offended (“oh, but you were asking us, I thought it was fine”)

PickAChew Sun 12-Aug-18 00:44:09

Not in reasonable. I spent years sick of these questions. With the husband concerned, it was never, as he was already more children than I wanted.

CheeseYesPlease Sun 12-Aug-18 01:01:08

Yes these comments are totally unreasonable people obviously mean well,but in actual fact its none of their business. Much like when my Dh and I first get together we got "when are you two getting married" then we did that " when are you two going to have kids" DH eventually just said to one person "come into the bedroom and find out" that shut them up immediately!
When my daughter was 3 months someone in his family asked when we would like another one?! Can we figure out what we are doing with this baby first!!annoying af! None of anyone's business really.

Thespidersankles Sun 12-Aug-18 01:06:49

I have 2 Dd - aged 8 And 12. We have no plans to have another child. If I am asked how many children I have- I'll answer with 2 girls. So many people ask whether I will try again 'For a boy'. I always ask them why I would do that? Most will say that my husband should have a son....hmm

Friends with sons get the same stupid advice for 'trying for a girl'.

Drives me cracked.

WoodsBook Sun 12-Aug-18 01:16:41

I like the solution of responding by asking when they last had sex.

bananafish81 Sun 12-Aug-18 02:18:49

I think it's OK to ask someone IF they have kids.

It's definitely not OK to pass comment on why that might be or what they should do about it

I answer the first question very directly - I say that unfortunately no, we don't have any kids, because we can't have children

Anyone with half a brain cell would realise that I'm very openly saying that this a very difficult subject. By making it clear that we are childless-not-by-choice (rather than child free by choice), I'm trying to head off the comments about how lucky we are not to have children, and about all the fabulous holidays and lie ins we must have. And they'll grasp that it's a difficult a subject for me and won't probe any further

Sadly the response is very often classic infertility bingo - 'well you can always just adopt ' have we tried acupuncture because their friend swears it cured her infertility, and the usual story about their brother's neighbour's hairdresser's cousins daughter, who'd been trying for 20 years, had 14 IVF cycles and 9 miscarriages, and she had blocked tubes & he had one bollock and a low sperm count, and they stopped trying, and started exploring adoption, and went on holiday, and relaxed, and got drunk and OMG she had surprise quadruplets at the age of 47, so you never know, miracles can happen and we shouldn't give up hope.

FFS angry

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 Sun 12-Aug-18 07:13:53

My brother asked me at a family party, if my DH was a Jaffa as we hadn’t had a baby yet (this was probably 4 months after we’d be married), I was actually pregnant at the time but very early and we’d had a miscarriage a few months before.
At my grandparents 60th anniversary party, they had their family tree as placemats, my DH was missed off but brothers GF was included. They had kids. So my nan said, he’ll (my DH) will be included when you have children! We were married at the time and yes, I had a misscarriage (the same one as above) a month before!! We sabotaged a couple and drew my husband on and put our pets as children!
Oh and slightly unrelated but buying a pregnancy test to confirm I definitely had lost the baby post miscarriage. The girl asks me when scanning, oh, are we hoping for a positive?! I just said yes as I didn’t want to upset her, she wouldn’t have realized.
I should say it didn’t bother me that much, in most situations I just quietly seethed! but I know other people could have been a lot more affected.

lovelyjubilly Sun 12-Aug-18 07:33:07

"That's quite a personal question but if you must know...[insert vague answer here]...Does that satisfy your nosiness?"

BlairWaldorfsHeadband Sun 12-Aug-18 07:34:57

YANBU. I got asked this and at the time, I had just had a miscarriage and it really hurt me

Rockandrollwithit Sun 12-Aug-18 07:35:13

YANBU

I have two boys. When my second was a month old and recovering from surgery in NICU a 'friend' asked how soon I would be trying for another, as I had been so unfortunate as to have a second boy.

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