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Aibu to end a friendship because of this.

(67 Posts)
JacNaylor Sat 11-Aug-18 21:29:45

Hi! Regular poster here, name changed as this is quite specific.
Dp and I have friends that we socialise with every couple of months.Helen and Nick. We're all late 30's.It started out as a friendship between Helen and I at a sports club but now we're equally fond of both although I wouldn't call them close or best friends.
Last week Helen suddenly asked me to go to a large social gathering related to the sport. I was surprised as it's not my thing, but agreed. Fast forward to today and travelling there she referred to me as her wing woman which I thought was odd but brushed off. What followed was a day of Helen basically on the pull, chatting to and flirting with most of the day to a man, Pete, whom she told me she had a "thing" with at the same event last year. I made it very clear that I was uncomfortable, told her how lovely Nick is and how it could destroy their marriage. Eventually she appeared to agree that it was a bad idea and it was time to leave. We walked towards the exit hand in hand then as we approached the exit she asked if I wanted money. I said "no" puzzled then she pulled away, said "if Nick asks I left with you" then disappeared into the crowd presumably to find/meet Pete.
Although I THINK she is after a flirtation/snog rather than a full affair, I don't know for sure but either way I'm not ok with it.
So, AIBU to back off from the friendship, firstly because I don't approve of her blatantly going on the pull when she's married but secondly because she knew I disapproved and was fond of Nick and yet still managed to implicate me in it?
What would you do? Help much appreciated. Thanks!

Smurfy23 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:39:24

I'd back away, shes not a good friend if she knows you don't approve but is still implicating you in it. If she asks, say that to her.

Am assuming those aren't their names too?!

TidyDancer Sat 11-Aug-18 21:39:35

I would keep my distance and I definitely wouldn't lie for her.

JacNaylor Sat 11-Aug-18 21:39:49

Also wondering if I should be telling Nick. I'm tempted to think I should keep my nose out. Except that I'd be hurt if the boot was on the other foot and a friend hadn't told me.

JacNaylor Sat 11-Aug-18 21:40:59

No smurfy, not their real namessmilethanks for the advice.

clairedelalune Sat 11-Aug-18 21:41:08

I would back off from the friendship and avoid her.

EmmaC78 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:42:54

I would also back off. Difficult situation for you to be in the middle of.

RhythmStix Sat 11-Aug-18 21:45:34

She only asked you to.accompany her as her 'cover'. She is awful.....asking if you want money?
She is no friend. And yes I'd inform Nick as well.

dudsville Sat 11-Aug-18 21:47:54

No, I would. And I wouldn't keep the secret.

JulianOfNorwich Sat 11-Aug-18 21:49:20

She offered you money to lie for her?
That's not a friend. I would back right off.

JacNaylor Sat 11-Aug-18 21:49:22

Would you? Yes it did cross my mind that the whole thing was pre planned and I was the cover, so I feel quite used. I'm so upset by this really as I sort of had them down as one of the happiest marriages I know. She said at one point that if Nick found out that "something" had gone on, she thought he'd cope with it and stay with her.

longwayoff Sat 11-Aug-18 21:50:03

What an absolute cow to put you in that position. She is not your friend so don't be hers. Distance yourself and don't let her involve you. When it all goes tits up guess what? She'll find a way if making it your fault.

MrsPreston11 Sat 11-Aug-18 21:50:14

I’d end the friendship. And probably say you’ve changed you mind and want some money.

And tell Nick! wink

What a horrible piece of work she is.

JacNaylor Sat 11-Aug-18 21:52:00

*She offered you money to lie for her?
That's not a friend. I would back right off.*

I wasn't clear about that. We were about 2 hours from home and supposed to travel back together so wasn't sure if it was a bribe or just offering money so I could take taxis instead of walking part of it since I was travelling alone (if that makes sense?)

ImAIdoot Sat 11-Aug-18 21:52:51

YANBU. It is terrible to put a friend in this position and assume it you will go along with it - a mark of profound disregard and disrespect.

The only ways to proceed unless you want to be complicit in lying about this are to tell, make her tell, or back off and not have the discussion.

Any of these options risks or loses the friendship, but basically she did that already.

userxx Sat 11-Aug-18 21:57:03

So she left you to do a two hour journey on your own?

Cheekylittlenumber Sat 11-Aug-18 21:59:56

I have a friend in very similar circumstances. I’ve distanced myself from her massively. Don’t trust her as far as I can throw her and shocked at how blasé she is about her attitude to her marriage (she’s had one emotional affair and has made it clear to me she’s on the look out for another)


JacNaylor Sat 11-Aug-18 22:00:07

@userxx she did, I'm less bothered about this really, it's a bit crap but I'm used to travelling in was fine with it (and she'd have known this)

userxx Sat 11-Aug-18 22:03:59

Get this person out of your life, she's selfish and vile. I wouldn't say anything to her husband, she'll drop herself in the shit eventually.

LastOneDancing Sat 11-Aug-18 22:04:43

That's shit.

Aside from her behaviour to her DH, it's horrible to invite you as a cover and spend the time making you feel a third wheel.

I'd back right off, it'll turn into a car crash.

Have you told your DH what went on?

WeWantJustice Sat 11-Aug-18 22:09:52

How dare she drag you into her shenanigans?

She has no right to do that, that is really unfair as it now compromises you

She's not your friend

nancy75 Sat 11-Aug-18 22:13:35

I wouldn’t back away, I’d RUN away! You do not want to get dragged in to the mess of someone else’s relationship & she’s a crap friend to put you in that position in the first place

PickledPickles Sat 11-Aug-18 22:14:31

Name changed to respond but in a similar situation with a friend of mine who has been bordering on an emotional affair. She did shag him a few years back though at an event and has been trying to get him away from their regular group of friends for some one on one time sex. I've discouraged her as best I can, pointed out how hurt her partner of 20 years would be if he knew etc. They have both emotionally checked out of their relationship. He has a substance abuse issue, she enables him whilst complaining about their non existence relationship. I strongly suspect he knows as she's not been very discreet. I've encouraged her to either leave or sort things out with her partner. My husband cheated on me and I have no time for people who play with fire like this. Your friend is so out of order. I would distance yourself from her, especially as she is making you complicit in her appalling behaviour. I'm stepping away from my friend. We just aren't on the same page when it comes to values. Sounds like your friend is gravely lacking lacking in values.

Shockers Sat 11-Aug-18 22:15:11

What does your DP think you should do?

AnnieAnoniMoose Sat 11-Aug-18 22:22:30

Her setting out to use you is horrible. It’s not like something that happened unexpectedly or like she’s a really good friend who (mistakenly) thought you’d be ok with it. What a bitch. I’d HAPPILY dump her in the shit with ‘Nick’ AND he deserves to know what she’s up to. Would it be easier to tell your DH and ask him to tell Nick?

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