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AIBU?

Bewildered - what is it?

75 replies

Prasky · 11/08/2018 11:31

Dear Mumsnetters, I really feel I need the opinions of impartial outsiders in this matter and would be grateful for anything you can offer.

I will try to keep this as brief as possible but, apologies in advance as it will still be quite long. I really feel I need the opinion

Back Story:

Known these two women 7 years. They are the wives of two of my husbands good friends which is how I met them. I'm in my mid forties and they're in their mid fifties. Used to meet up once a week every Wednesday but gradually has dwindled down, due to various reasons. Now see each other maybe a couple of times a month.

There has always been a problem almost since the start of them blowing hot and cold. One minute friendly the next somehow not so. I try not to take it personally but it has been a recurring theme.

When I first mentioned it to my OH he was sure it was my imagination but then he started seeing if for himself. and agreed that, one in particular, seemed to have some sort of issue with me.

We have never had an argument or fallen out with any of them.

6 weeks ago

Hadn't seen them for a while. I went to find them in the beer garden while the men were at the bar buying the drinks. They were alone at a table. Usual greetings, smiles, how are you etc. etc. fine. But as soon as that's over one of the women, the one who is usually fairly ok, said "I'm just finishing my story", turned away from me to the other woman and , both completely ignoring my presence, carried on a conversation.

I truly understand that these women are good friends but I do thing this was rude. Surely the best thing to do is say " I was just telling X about..." and include the newcomer in?

Or if it's private, given them that discreet look, or just say "I'll tell you later" meaning when they talk alone again. Isn't that what most people would do?

In hindsight, I should have said 'I can see you're having a private conversation I'll leave you for a bit" and left them to it but I just didn't think. It took me completely by surprise and I think I was a bit stunned by the rudeness.

Last Wednesday

Met them in the pub. They seem to naturally segregate when they go out - all round the same table but with the men on one side and women on the other. I sat next to the 2 women and it seemed ok at first. Then one proceeded to talk to the other and again I found myself totally ignored while they just carried on the conversation. I noticed that when ever anyone said anything remotely funny they would laugh but if I would say an amusing comment their faces were just straight. I don't expect them to be rolling around at my sparkling wit or repartee but I just felt singled out in some way. I started to wonder if I was saying something offensive without realising it but I wasn't. They were just off the cuff remarks. As an example, my husband as started a new job and is having a tough time with some of the staff. When he was telling them this one of his mate's said 'I'm sure you'll win them around! and I said 'Course he will! He won me round, didn't you?' really alluding to the fact that we met at work. Just general things like that.

The conversation got going with the 2 women again and one of them said she had a bad night's sleep the night before so told her I had also woken up early and couldn't get back to sleep because I'd had a funny dream and it kept making me laugh. I had no intention of telling the dream as I know how boring other people's dreams usually are! But they asked me what it was. Literally about 70 seconds in the woman said "Oh god this is like a movie". There is nothing wrong at all with comment but it is HOW she said it and was obvious, from her tone, her voice, and her expression, that it was meant as a nasty stab. I could understand, maybe, if it was dragging on and on but it wasn't. Anyway, I let it pass and carried on. When I got to the funny bit that kept making me laugh, the same woman said "You're never right you aren't, I'm telling you". Again, this can be an amusing comment but it was how she said it, with barely concealed venom and spite and a half laugh and sneer. And no, the dream was nothing sick or perverted or unsavoury in any way. It was children's comic book type of funny.

In hindsight, I should have just realised they didn't want me and talked to the men. I do not have any of these issue with the men. But I keep thinking they will 'get over' whatever it is and I am never prepared for it so it catches me unaware and I seem to almost freeze in shock. They way they act is as if I am doing something really unacceptable, like wearing my cleavage to my knees and flirting with their men but nothing could be further from the truth. I never did this when I was young and single, I certainly don't do it now.

I also noticed there was a marked difference in how this women was talking and responding with me than to my husband. It was almost like a switch going on and off. To make it clear NO she definitely doesn't fancy him or anything like that. She sees him as a nice man, a good friend etc. The difference is in her conversation, expression, voice, tone and body language. Unmistakeable.

I asked her if she ever missed work and this is lead her recounting some of the really awful things clients have said to her before . She was understandably a bit worked up and upset repeating them it was more like anger directed as me, how she was saying it, as if there was something wrong with the question. She had a job commonly known to be very difficult but had never said anything about these incidents before.

To sum it up it felt like there was a lot of repressed anger and resentment that had built to such a level it was just seeping out and it was only aimed at me.

I have also just realised that they are both fine when the other one isn't there. To me this suggests they talk about me behind my back.

I don't know if this is relevant but it just came to me so I will mention it: I was bullied in high school by a particular girl. Years later she apologised and said she felt really bad. I asked her why she did it and she said 'because you were also so POLITE all the time!'

This did take me back a bit!!lol!!

I have also overheard someone saying I might look like butter wouldn't melt but 'there's more than meets the eye'.

I am wondering if I am appearing too good to be true and people are somehow thinking I'm putting on an act or I'm really up to no good?

I am just being myself. I am no saint not by a long way. But I don't deliberately go out of my way to put people down, or bitch behind people's backs or go along with the crowd for the sake of. I'm not argumentative, a bully or a show-off and, as far as I know, I don't have an annoying laugh!

When things similar have happened in the past I have just blamed myself and shrunk my self smaller and smaller or tried to bend myself out of shape to please and appease other people but I am not doing that. I cannot thing it is anything I am doing or saying that seems to be the problem but it might be just 'me', perhaps I've got an annoying voice or something etc. No one has ever said this btw.

If there is an issue I would prefer they said something. I don't see any excuse whatsoever for treating me like this.

Question 1

Is it me? I'm always willing to stand back and look at my own behaviour as I'm aware it's easy to offend people sometimes without realising.
Question 2

These incidents are obviously not going to stop. How should I carry on going forward. I've thought of several possibilities:

A) Just stop seeing them - this appealed at first but then I think this makes it seem like I am running away and I would rather deal with it. Also, why should my OH not socialise with his mates?
B) Ask nicely and politely, "Have I upset you?" or something to that effect. I just feel this is pointless as they would deny it and probably say they were joking.
C) Sit with the men - I should have done that last night, if feel
D) If the do it next time, say "I can see you want to chat to eachother, I'll leave you to it" - and then sit with the men
E) Be on my guard in conversation with them ready to respond straight away. For example, when she said " oh god this is like a movie" say straight away 'oh I won't bore you with it then'. And when she said 'you're never right...' stop her and say 'what do you mean by that *Julie?' and make it very clear I know she's being passive-aggressive.

Or other? I don't want to inflame the situation but it needs addressing, somehow.

Just to be clear, my OH didn't see any of this as he was sitting on my opposite side mostly talking to his friends.

If you have reached this point, thank you for listening.

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Extravagant · 11/08/2018 11:35

There clearly is an atmosphere there and they sound a bit poisonous. Perhaps just let your OH meet them while you do something different that you enjoy.