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AIBU? Need opinion / perspective before I ask him

(20 Posts)
HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 10:21:03

My sister and I have always had a fairly good relationship with our father. Our mother died suddenly 8 years ago and we all supported each other despite me living 150 miles away. My sister lives literally around the corner from Dad. He can be a little difficult at times, bit old school, bit pompous and snobby, but we rub along okay for the most part.

Dad has been in a relationship with a lovely lady since about 6 months after DM passed. She was a friend of the family and had recently been through a horrible divorce.

So far, all okay. DF and partner are reasonably well off, travel a few times a year and generally live a comfortable life.

DSis called a few days ago, very upset. Dad was clearing stuff out and had asked both of us if we wanted to keep the sympathy cards from when DM died. During the conversation DSis had with him, it transpires he’s sold all of our DMs jewellery.

My Dsis is really upset, I’m upset and bloody angry. So angry that I want to email him and say unless he had a fucking good reason (strapped for cash and too embarrassed to ask for help) for doing this without asking/telling us/ giving us the option to have something as a keepsake, I don’t want to talk to him again.

I know I’m not being unreasonable in wanting a keepsake of my late Mother, so it’s more of a WWYD from here?

Aprilshowersinaugust Sat 11-Aug-18 10:23:37

Has he sold it to a shop /dealer? Would you be able to trace /buy back?
My aunt gave all of my dgm stuff away and didn't tell me. Never forgave her tbh.

ThePants999 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:24:36

YANBU to be upset, or to tell him how you feel, or to ask him to explain himself. YWsurelyBU to abandon your relationship with him over something that was merely thoughtless, not deliberately hurtful.

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 10:26:20

Don’t know when he sold it, but it was to a jeweller in his nearest city. Long gone, I suspect, but don’t know for sure yet.

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 11-Aug-18 10:26:51

You can't really undo it now can you? I get why you're upset but first, the items were technically his to do with as he pleases and second you've had 8 years to ask for the jewellery or express an interest. I doubt he did it to hurt you so why ruin your relationship over it?

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 10:31:57

I guess we thought he would offer the items at some point, that it was ‘a given’ that we would get it. I understand the argument that it was his do do with as he pleased, after all, he probably bought it all in the first place... but to do it without asking just hurts.

Cherubfish Sat 11-Aug-18 10:36:29

OP, I understand that you're upset and I would be too.

But I really don't think this is the kind of thing that you stop talking to your Dad over unless there is a massive back story (which you say there isn't). At the end of the day, jewellery is just a possession, it can't replace your relationship with your Dad.

heartsease68 Sat 11-Aug-18 10:38:23

I would certainly cut contact

MsVestibule Sat 11-Aug-18 10:39:45

I'd be extremely upset if I was you. Second hand jewellery generally doesn't have a high value but normally has a high sentimental value. Did he sell their wedding and engagement rings?

But what to do about it is a problem. If somebody is so lacking in thought that they can do this without considering their daughters feelings, I doubt he'll see it as a big issue. I would have to talk to him about it, but is it worth cutting him off completely?

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 10:42:51

Thank for the measured replies so far. I do understand it’s not worth ending a relationship with him over, hence my posting here first for opinions. It’s done, but I do want him to know how upset we are about it. I guess we should have made him aware we wanted it before now. Live and learn.

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 10:46:51

DM was buried wearing her wedding ring, but everything else was sold including her engagement ring. I’m not really into jewellery per se, but there was a particular brooch I helped him choose one Christmas and then wore on my wedding day I would have liked.

Winebottle Sat 11-Aug-18 10:51:41

I wouldn't be firing off angry emails or not talking to him again. Take some time to cool down and then have a calm conversation about it and why he did it.

Some people are more sentimental about objects than others. I'm not really bothered about them, it is memories of the person that counts. A ring is a ring.

I agree that you have had 8 years to shout up. What use has he got for them? There is no point waiting for him to die to claim them. Were you not around your Dad at the time of your mother's death helping him to sort everything out? You should have said something then.

But YANBU for being angry.

KinkyAfro Sat 11-Aug-18 10:56:04

You said in your OP he's reasonably well off so how is he funding his lifestyle if he's had to sell your mums jewellery?

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 10:57:59

Of course I was around after my DM died, I went up there every weekend for six months after she passed to help support my DF, he was a mess, they’d been together for 45 years. He was so distraught, it never seemed right to say I want this or that, I suppose. Serves us right for assuming he’d offer it to us.

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 11:01:50

I don’t know for sure he HAD to sell it to fund his lifestyle. That was my ‘if that was why, I’d understand’ reasoning. He’s independently reasonably well off from selling his business and various other incomes from consultancy work.

YetAnotherSpartacus Sat 11-Aug-18 11:09:17

I'd be devastated. flowers.

GoatWoman Sat 11-Aug-18 11:10:53

That is very weird. My dad would do that but he has OCD and is constantly throwing special things away.

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 11:15:52

Funny you mention OCD. I think that might be something to do with it. He is, for example, obsessed with clearing the loft out of any of our old toys/possessions... cripes, I thought that’s what lofts were for?!

HonkyWonkWoman Sat 11-Aug-18 11:31:13

YANBU to be upset and angry but no good will come of confronting your Ddad about it.
He was very thoughtless to sell your DMum's personal items without at least asking if you would like something for sentimental reasons. But, he didn't and some people (usually older men) are just like "that", a bit thoughtless.
I would be privately upset between you and your DSis, have a good moan about him and then just forget it.

HighlyUnlikely Sat 11-Aug-18 11:42:42

Exactly HonkyWonk!

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