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Why am I not grieving?

(74 Posts)
Ordinarymamma Fri 10-Aug-18 15:29:49

So my amazing mum passed away suddenly last week. I was there when it happened and I tried to resuscitate her for half an hour until the ambulance came. Unfortunately she couldn't be saved. The first few days were horrendous, trying to be there for my dad and my children and I felt as if I was mourning in a normal natural way. However, now I feel nothing. As in nothing. No sadness but also no happiness. I walk around aimlessly with no energy, I'm struggling to sleep and I forget to eat. But emotionally, I feel nothing. I haven't cried for 2 days and I can watch a film, all these things that according to the experts, most people can't do for a long while. What is wrong with me?? I witnessed the most horrendous thing yet I feel nothing. I'm worried I'm not normal and I'm worried it will hit even harder all of a sudden when I'm not prepared. Has anyone gone through this? Can anyone please give me advice!

doodlejump1980 Fri 10-Aug-18 15:31:05

I think you’re probably in shock from the sad events. Trust me, it’ll hit you. Take care and I’m sorry for your loss flowers

nomorecoffee Fri 10-Aug-18 15:34:31

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Is it possible that you have just dealt with so much and you've kind of gone into autopilot mode? Just rest as much as you possibly can and please talk to someone in RL...maybe a friend or relative...or a helpline who can help you overcome the shock. Maybe OP you are in shock and the reality of what you have gone through is a bit too much right now. Please talk to someone. I'm thinking of and hugs xx

Freshstart19 Fri 10-Aug-18 15:35:04

You're experience a state of numbness that comes in form of depression.
I'm not am expert and I'm not mourning the loss of a loved one.
But I have been in and out of depression and that numb feeling is worse than feeling the emotion.
Mine stems from trauma.
It's completely normal. You need someone (a counsellor) to speak to about it.
It will hit you in stages.

Freshstart19 Fri 10-Aug-18 15:35:26

Also I'm very sorry for your lossflowers

Singlenotsingle Fri 10-Aug-18 15:35:44

I was like that when my ex died. Just numb. Felt like I wasn't really there. I had 3 weeks off work as couldn't function. Sorry for your loss flowers

Changingagain Fri 10-Aug-18 15:35:49

As doodlejump1980 said, you're almost certainly in shock. It was months before I cried after my Dad died. Everyone reacts and grieves differently so do not listen to anyone telling you how you should be feeling or what it should be making you do / preventing you doing.

I'm sorry for your loss and that it happened in such a traumatic way for you flowers

HoleyCoMoley Fri 10-Aug-18 15:36:53

I am so sorry for your sad loss of your lovely mum, this is just your bodies way of resting itself. You have been through a very difficult upsetting and stressful time, there is nothing wrong with you at all. There will be days when you feel in a fog, other days you will cry, other times you will smile about all the wonderful times you shared, there are no normal ways of behaving when we have lost someone we love. Just listen to your own quiet mind, don't worry about so called experts, we all deal with grief in our own personal ways. Take care and just be kind to yourself. flowers

PickAChew Fri 10-Aug-18 15:39:11

There is no correct way to grieve. Just take care of yourself.

flowercrow Fri 10-Aug-18 15:45:15

This is absolutely normal. I am so sorry for your loss-how awful.

Zoflorabore Fri 10-Aug-18 15:48:09

So sorry for your loss op flowers

I agree with pp that you’re in shock.

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve and it affects everyone differently.

When my fil passed away very suddenly last year we were like this and it hit dp very hard after the funeral. It all seemed more “real” after that.

Look after yourself.

itbemay Fri 10-Aug-18 15:54:05

So sorry for your loss OP, sending hugs.

deepsea Fri 10-Aug-18 15:56:46

You are in total shock. Speak to your GP and ask for advice. I am so sorry for your loss flowers

Debfronut Fri 10-Aug-18 15:58:51

After my son died I was like this. Its shock. The brain is protecting you for a short while to help you. Shock and denial are the first stage usually in the cycle of grief. It will hit you probably when you think you are coping very well. There is no right or wrong way to cope with loss. Surround yourself with love and be kind to yourself. I am so sorry for your loss xx

LuxuryWoman2018 Fri 10-Aug-18 15:59:21

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Very normal feelings, I think sometimes our minds and bodies kind of shut off a little to protect us to an extent, the numbness I guess.

You are likely to feel exhausted and at some point it will come (the grief) but right now there are things to do and arrangements to be made so you're still doing things for your mum. Don't be afraid to seek help when you need it be that this week or next year.

Noodledoodledoo Fri 10-Aug-18 15:59:39

Agree it is probably shock. Also you are probably in 'practical' mode doing what needs doing, arrangements, practical things etc. I lost my Grandma (late mums mother so I have had to sort everything) and my worst day was the day after the funeral.

Up till then I barely registered things.

My mum died 14 years ago, it takes its time to come out differently for everyone.

MsSquiz Fri 10-Aug-18 16:02:29

My DM died last March and I can honestly say I have never properly grieved for her.

When she died, I had 3 months until our wedding, so I planned her funeral and then threw myself into wedding stuff. I overlooked myself to within an inch of my life, so I didn't have time to sit and think about anything.

In January this year I started weekly counselling sessions to help me talk through my feelings (not just grief, but relationships with others and family dynamics with in laws) and that has definitely helped my mental state, but I haven't done the standard "sad grief" that you expect to do. And that's ok, for me.

I would recommend giving yourself time, whether it's time to sit and cry and be sad about it or time to just get on with things as you normally would.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just be kind to yourself thanks

Easilyflattered Fri 10-Aug-18 16:02:42

I felt like this after my dad passed away. Until the funeral, and then suddenly the loss seemed so real and I began the tearful stage.

When is the funeral? I think the timescales to grieving are very different for all of us.

I'm sorry for your loss x

TemptressofWaikiki Fri 10-Aug-18 16:02:42

So sorry to read about your loss. As the others said, I felt similar at the sudden death of my parent. Complete numbness and I was unable to cry for many months. It is most likely shock. And it is quite normal to just be in some auto-pilot mode.

twattymctwatterson Fri 10-Aug-18 16:02:54

As per PPs. I lost my mum 3 months ago and felt fine for a couple of months. Grief only properly hit me recently

BikeRunSki Fri 10-Aug-18 16:02:56

I’m sorry for your loss. A friend of mine fued almost a year ago. Her widower told me last week that it’s only now that he has truly begun to grieve.

Knittedfairies Fri 10-Aug-18 16:03:42

Everybody has said what I would have said - it’s shock. I’m so sorry; losing your mum is hard. You will cry, when you least expect to. Be kind to yourself.

Knittinganewme Fri 10-Aug-18 16:04:47

It is to be expected after such a traumatic loss. Don't worry that you are not "normal" or that your feelings are in any way wrong, they are what they are. Try to eat what you can when you can, this time will pass.

StableGenius Fri 10-Aug-18 16:06:25

Who are these experts who claim a grieving person can't watch a film? What a load of crap. My mum died at the end of last year, and I still haven't had a conventional reaction at all. I continued to organise Christmas for the family etc. and nobody really saw any difference in me.The only time I really think about her in a 'sad' sort of way is when I hear certain pieces of music, though I must say I miss her all the time - I'm on holiday at the moment and constantly seeing things I want to tell her about.

I sometimes wonder if there's something wrong with me that I haven't had the floods of tears/hiding from life/unable to concentrate type symptoms - but then I remember that I absolutely loved her and did everything I could to make her last months comfortable. I think I just have a very strongly developed coping mechanism (I'm autistic, which might have something to do with it).

There's no wrong or right way to grieve. Strike this one off your list of anxieties and cope with your loss in your own best way. flowers

Andtheresaw Fri 10-Aug-18 16:06:37

I am so sorry for your loss.
You are exhausted and shocked. Any way you feel right now is completely OK. Allow yourself to be numb. Allow yourself to be sad, or happy, or completely blank. Nothing is wrong right now.

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