Lying about parentage , I can’t be impartial but need to be (long)

[CommanderDaisy]

My best friend died several years ago while his wife was pregnant with his son. He lived long enough to see a 5 month scan of the baby and was so happy he would have a child , even as he was destroyed that he would never meet him. It was really fucking tragic . He was an amazing person with more charisma than anyone I have ever met. I still miss him, every day.
His death was after a long illness and very protracted, and his wife experienced PTSD after watching him die, and having a traumatic labour .
Since then, she has tried to move on. Her first relationship post my friends death was with a very controlling man who manouevred her into isolating herself from friends and family. He was horrible. He’d had his eye on her for years he admitted , and essentially made a move when she was vulnerable. She ended this relationship after a time with great difficulty and began to feel better about herself and heal.

She has now remarried to a man who has children from a previous relationship, and gone on to have another child with him.
I was really happy for her, as she has had a very difficult time since my friend passed. I hadn’t heard from her for a while which was strange so got in contact and we have been texting regularly.
Now, here is the crux of this post.
Her new DH was unhappy about her talking to her son about his father. He also insisted he be called Dad as it was too confusing to her son in his opinion. She expressed to me that she agreed to refraining from talking about her sons father with the best intentions, but now she feels stuck. Her DS is the absolute image of his father, and has some very similar character traits - she wants to talk to him about his Dad but her partner won’t let her. Her DH also won’t let her visit people who knew her first husband , in case they mention that he was the father of her DS4. This is why I hadn’t heard from her for a time..

I don’t quite know how to advise her. I’m kind of stunned and worried for her, I don’t get why this bloke thinks this is a good idea. Calling him Dad doesn’t seem odd, but the moratorium on telling a child about his ‘real’ Father seems abusive.

I’m adopted, and my family kept this secret from me till I found out accidentally in my teens. It was such a big thing to have been lied to about that my relationship with my adoptive parents never recovered. I would hate for a similar scenario to happen to anyone else, as it really messed me up.

I am incredibly sad for my friend that due to some dudes pathetic ego driven jealousy that his son will never hear about him. I also can’t quite figure out why she thought this was a good idea in the first place.

What do I say?
She asked me what I thought she should do.
Is she right to hide the fact that her DS real Dad existed? Is this DH a controlling weirdo? How do I gently say your DH needs to get over himself?

Help! I am struggling to be impartial due to my own personal experience and from love for my friend.

[AuntieFesterAdams]

Studies show that children who receive big news such as adoption or misleading about parentage, in their teens, cope with it badly. Being told as a child, it just is something interesting. Open questions are healthy.

Sorry her DH is a controlling arse. If her DS is only 4, perhaps her judgement marrying was clouded?
The DS will find out- from family, health issues etc, and it will only cause angst and upset.The poor child needs to know before it is a big deal. (adoptive parent here)

[ExFury]

Her DH is just as controlling as the man you mentioned her leaving.

[loopylass13]

Adoption has touched my life so I understand the importance of knowing our roots and knowing young so its a simply fact rather than a later shock.

I dont know how I would word it but I would advise being open about child's biological father. It would not be confusing if done sensitively and tactfully. Younger children are quite accepting and resilient.

[MidniteScribbler]

The child needs to know. DS is donor conceived, and whilst he doesn't really understand that yet, I never want there to be a point where there is a big reveal, so I discuss it with him a lot (he can find out his donor's identity when he is 18 if he chooses).

Your friend needs to look at this as abusive behaviour. He has cut her off from her friends and family, and is emotionally abusive to her son. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to still be abuse.

[MrsMcGarry]

You don't say it gently. YOu scream it loudly and make her realise that her ds's future mental health is way more important than this twats fragile ego.

(another non impartial person - mother died when I was 2 and Dad remarried when I was 4. I will never forgive my dad and stepmother for cutting contact with mothers family, can't imagine how incandescent I would be if they hadnt; even told me they existed)

[CurlyWurlyTwirly]

Without question the child must be told about his real dad.
Does he have paternal family who can keep in touch?
Your friend seems to be making bad choices in men ( another who thinks her H sounds controlling). Has she had counselling since her ptsd.
Your instincts are right. Please keep supporting your friend to do the tight thing by her son.

[CommanderDaisy]

I feel if I go in guns blazing, as it were - she’ll vanish again. She’s definitely reaching out to me and I want to help.
I was with her every step of the way during my friends death. I spent weeks away from home supporting them both. I was there when she showed him the scan report for the baby, saw his absolute joy and then watched him break down. Dragged his father out of the room so they could be alone together. I cannot believe she is doing this. My friend would be devastated if he could know what is happening. I am actually completely furious, but I can’t show that to her.
I think she’s married another controlling fucktard, and I absolutely disagree with what she is doing but I need to be gentle in my response as she won’t handle direct criticism.
How do I phrase it all?

[CurlyWurlyTwirly]

Perhaps start conversations about what do you think would want you to do?
Sort of guide the conversation by asking her gentle questions instead of telling her directly what you think.

[Graphista]

I've come across a few similar situations it NEVER ends well, the truth always comes out.

Her husband is just as bad as her previous partner. She needs away from him just for that!

A boy at school discovered he was adopted due to being ill and needing a transplant, and subsequently overhearing a conversation about why they were finding it so hard to find a donor as obviously none of his family or relatives were blood related.

A fellow nurse I worked with was getting married and had asked her mum on numerous occasions for her birth certificate in order to get passport for honeymoon. To then discover mum was actually gran, eldest sister was birth mum etc. Very common at a certain point but uncommon for a child to reach their 20's before being told. She was completely shell shocked and ended up postponing the wedding and actually eloping in the end as she felt they'd all lied to her.

A friend who was led to believe they were an only child, but they'd never felt things were "quite right" discovered they were actually a twin but the twin had been given up for adoption because they were severely disabled and the parents felt they couldn't cope. That led to a whole mess of issues the family are still dealing with 20 years later!

Another friend also thought they were an only child. Turns out parents had given up for adoption a child they'd had when they were both much younger, underage in fact, under much pressure from both sets of grandparents. Despite opposition to the relationship mainly because of this pregnancy they stayed together, married and then had my friend. But this raised feelings they were unprepared for and so they chose to have no more, but told friend they'd experienced infertility issues. The child that had been adopted had been told and went looking at 18 for their parents. At which point the parents wanted to welcome the child into their lives (I actually think if they could have they'd have got them back as soon as they were adults!) and so had to tell their younger child - to whom it came as a complete shock! Not least because they'd been adored by all the grandparents and struggled to reconcile that with the grandparents essentially forcing the parents to give the child up. All seemed lovely at the beginning but my friends really struggled with feelings of distrust due to all their relatives lying to them, the adopted child being treated in their mind more favourably (bit of a prodigal child thing happening) while the adopted child feels the one that wasn't adopted is the favourite - it's a bit to my mind as if 20 years of sibling rivalry are being played out in just a few years. Plus the parents dealing with feelings of guilt, responsibility, jealousy toward the adoptive parents... It's a mess to be honest!

Another person I knew at school, discovered they were adopted, adoptive parents lovely, went looking for adoptive parents at 18 except birth mother didn't want to know and no birth father known, product of rape. Which understandably he's found very difficult to process.

When your friends child is old enough to work it out for himself that's gonna create a whole mess of crap to deal with! Because I take it from what you've said he's being witheld from his fathers relatives? At some point he's gonna see his birth certificate! No she's saving up trouble for herself!

I always think honesty is best. Even when it's a painful honesty as at least then you know what you're dealing with!

[SleepWarrior]

Could you contact women's aid yourself for some advice on how to approach with her?

Personally I'd be trying to slowly edge back into her life in a way that the husband didn't find threatening before saying anything against him or the situation. You don't want her running a mile or innocently reporting your opinion back to him.

[sykadelic]

I would say something like:

"Children are resilient. Just like his children adapted to his divorce and subsequent remarriage, your son will grow up know this as his normal.

Your son will know. He is not stupid. He will one day do the math and realize he was born before you met your husband. He will recognize he looks nothing like his other brother, or his step-brothers. Keeping it secret makes it seem like it's dirty, and it's not.

His father was a wonderful person. His father loved him before he even met him and despite never getting the privilege to know him. He should know his fathers family, his fathers friends. He should know what an amazing person he was and that he was born from love, not shame.

I must admit I'm concerned that [husband] is trying to erase [father]. from [son's] life. That he's controlling you like this.

If you need me, whenever and for whatever, I'm here for you. I'll support you in whatever decision you make

[Charolais]

Just tell her what you’ve heard here about children finding out when they are older and feeling betrayed.

[CommanderDaisy]

sykadelic
I love you. That’ s exactly what I was after. I might also toss in a bit about how my adoption was handled as well.

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

I would be very worried about your friend. Her husband sounds awful. Her son needs to know his own history.

Does the son have any contact with his dad's family? If so, then he will know who his birth dad is. If not, why not?

[CommanderDaisy]

My friend had a very dysfunctional relationship with his family in the final years of his life.
They did not believe he was ill, instead chose to believe he was addicted to drugs and maintained that position ( and told everyone they could) until the point they were called to say he was dying.
His wife cannot forgive them for this , and has not made any effort to contact them.

[NewUserNameTime]

OP I also love the wording by sykadelic

I think you need to support her and try to get her to realise the relationship is not healthy

[ToastyFingers]

is the DS 4 years old? if so, it sounds like this has all moved very quickly and she's fallen into another abusive relationship without having time to recover mentally from the first. What her current husband is doing isn't normal or acceptable and there's a strong chance this particular facet if his controlling behaviour will be very damaging for the child.

I'll get her a massive hypocrite too, if (hopefully when) their relationship ends, would he be on board with your friend denying his existence and having another man completely take his place?

I found out that my (very lovely) dad is not my biological parent at the age of 21 and although tried to be easy going it really shook me and I lost a lot of respect for my whole family who had always known but lied to me for years.

[ToastyFingers]

that was meant to say 'I'll bet he's a massive hypocrite' sorry.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I like what sykadelic said a lot. I think said like the above may still feel too challenging. Could you perhaps make leading questions into discovering these points together?

What are your worries?
Are you concerned that your ds will someday work it out?
I was cross about x and blamed my parents. Do you think this might happen?

Hopefully she will ask for your opinion and that’s the point to say “children are resilient.....”

Ditto the statement about her husband. If you have any chance of supporting her, she needs to feel she’s discovered he’s a controlling arse herself.

You also don’t have to have the entire discussion in one day. I think she needs deprogramming and giving her as much as she can handle at the time will give her an outlet. On the flip side, it is very tricky as you don’t want her to go home, and announce your discussion to her husband and then her pull away again without getting all of these point across.

I also imagine talking about her late husband would have felt will be too difficult to contemplate and any mention of it is likely to feel like a criticism. So that would perhaps be best for her to bring it up.

Poor woman. Being prayed on controlling men when she was and still is so vulnerable.

[AnoukSpirit]

Her DH is just as controlling as the man you mentioned her leaving.

I'd be gently suggesting she attends the Freedom Programme, //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk.

It's sadly quite common to go from one controlling man to another one, and not realising how bad the new one is because you've compared the best parts of the new one to the worst parts of the old one and concluded he's great. "But he can't be abusive, he's so different from my ex."

Different abusers use different tactics and have different styles and personalities. Still abusive.

FP can help her understand what's going on at the core, so she can see beyond the surface behaviour.

There is also a page of advice on the Women's Aid website on how to support someone you're worried about. The gist of it is listen, don't judge, don't tell her she has to leave, keep the door open for her to confide in you.

What he's doing is wrong and will cause so much damage. I very much doubt this is the only thing he's doing.

[AnoukSpirit]

Could you perhaps make leading questions into discovering these points together?

If you have any chance of supporting her, she needs to feel she’s discovered he’s a controlling arse herself.

I meant to say, absolutely agree with this. Go with questions and sowing seeds in her mind, rather than telling her what you think she should do, or telling her how you see i eithout her first asking.

When you're being controlled - even if you haven't consciously acknowledged it yet - anything that feels like control from other people can be extremely painful and cause you to shut down. It makes you feel like the whole world is just the same as him so there's nothing that will ever change (and therefore no point even contemplating leaving).

Control goes hand in hand with being judged and criticised and blamed. She will be hyper sensitive to anything like that from you. Be aware that criticism of him will, to her, feel like criticism of her too for being with him.

You help her by giving her back the feeling of being in control over her own life. No instructions, no demands, no ultimatums, no lectures, no unsolicited advice. Don't make being her friend conditional on her doing what you say or leaving him etc.

Be the breath of fresh air who's the genuine opposite of him, who makes her feel she has choices, who makes her feel in control, who makes her feel safe, who makes her feel supported unconditionally, who doesn't heap criticism, guilt and judgement on her...

When you get angry or frustrated, remember that the man who's targeted her for her vulnerability and is abusing her and her children is the person who deserves your anger.

[SharpLily]

This is not a healthy relationship - is the child really only 4? If so this woman seems to be rushing headlong into relationships with controlling men and needs some serious help. Her son's parentage is just a sidebar, really. I don't envy you, OP, because you are going to have to make her realise this without pushing her away or getting her back up. It's a thankless task. Do you know her family and other friends and could you talk to them about the situation?

[deepsea]

Your poor friend is yet again involved with another controlling abusive man.

Of course the child needs to know about his real father, and if I were her I would continue talking to her child, she does not need to be ashamed that her partner died! You friend should be encouraged to continue as before, and tell her dh she has no intention of lying to her child.

Can you ask her to consider counselling or therapy? This would give her the added strength to take professional advice on the subject and then present it as such.

You probably have a long way to go with this friend, if he is like with her child he is likely to be just as bad in other ways. Keep a close eye on her, and continuing to support her.

[Loopytiles]

It seems likely that she is in another abusive relationship

She would be very wrong to prioritise her new H’s unreasonable wishes over her DC1’s future mental health and wellbeing.