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Lost birthday card with money - SIL insisting on a replacement

(442 Posts)
deepsea Thu 09-Aug-18 09:20:36

Please tell me if I am being U.

I sent a birthday card with money to my niece for her birthday as usual, and it has been lost in the post.

SIL has sent a text demanding that I send another with more money, not only was the tone of the text rude and abrupt she also gave me the impression she didn't believe I hadn't sent it at all (I have been doing so religiously for the last 23 years to all three of her children)

My dh has been saying for some time he thinks we should stop now, they are all adults, the eldest being 28 years old. I suggested that the royal mail is not a safe way anyway maybe it was time to stop sending money now and just send cards given they are all adults (mine are much younger and will miss out but we are fine with that) she said no, she expects us to continue do this every year and we can transfer the money instead!!

We have two children and my two SIL have three each. All of them are adults and are heading towards their thirties and are not young. We have been generous over the years with toys for all of them, but is this going to continue? We are struggling to find so much money for birthdays and christmases. I am not close to SIL as she lives a long way away and she is hard work in every sense of the word.

Just to say she has missed my youngest child's birthday every single year barring one year (her first birthday) and doesn't seem to care very much about any of us.

Do I send more money or not? Do we carry on even though we don't want to? What would you do?

londonrach Thu 09-Aug-18 09:22:10

Dont send any replacement and stop sending money full stop for working adults. Yanbu.

livefornaps Thu 09-Aug-18 09:23:24

Read back your post.

Time to disengage with this scheister.

I bet you never get a thank you card in the post...!

Don't brew yourself

londonrach Thu 09-Aug-18 09:23:34

Card only from now onwards. They adults. Maybe if a special birthdat and you seeing them bring flowers, chocolate, wine as a gift but no more money!!!!

Neshoma Thu 09-Aug-18 09:23:48

Are you crazy? Why are you sending a 30yo birthday money??

Tell your SIL that it will just be cards from now on form you, but she still wants to send money then she can.

pilates Thu 09-Aug-18 09:23:58

No, an ideal time to stop imo. Your sister-in-law is a CF.

tomatosalt Thu 09-Aug-18 09:24:25

What did the text say? It seems incomprehensible that an adult woman would ‘demand’ money for her able bodied adult child

PaulRuddislush Thu 09-Aug-18 09:24:33

Why are you even asking? This is a ridiculous situation and of course you don't send any more money. In our family and friend circle the money stops at 21, after that it's just a card.

ohfourfoxache Thu 09-Aug-18 09:24:50

No way, fuck that for a laugh

JanuarySkies Thu 09-Aug-18 09:24:51

I'd stop - especially considering you say you're not very close and she doesn't remember your youngest's birthday.

thecatsarecrazy Thu 09-Aug-18 09:24:52

Tell her to fuck off. Demanding you send her adult daughter money? Really?

anewyear Thu 09-Aug-18 09:26:21

In a word.. No

And perhaps remind her about your youngest childs birthday and lack of card/s too.

thecatsarecrazy Thu 09-Aug-18 09:26:35

Please tell us what she actually said in the text

TwitterQueen1 Thu 09-Aug-18 09:26:42

We stop sending presents at 18 in this family. Too many children, too expensive etc. And no, you shouldn't be sending money through the post, and no, you absolutely shouldn't be sending replacement money! I don't know why you're even asking her about continuing with presents really. She doesn't get to decide whether or not you send money - it's your money, your decision!

Cath2907 Thu 09-Aug-18 09:27:17

I thought the unwritten rule was that you stopped post 18th birthday unless you were close? My parents sent cards and money to my cousins until they reached 18 but as they hadn't seen them for about 10 years at that point they just sent cards after.... Can't imagine getting a birthday present from my uncle although he does send cards and Xmas money to my kid and my parents do to my cousins kids...

bananasinpyjamas18 Thu 09-Aug-18 09:28:23

In my family its standard to stop buying gifts/money for nieces and nephews after they turn 18. Then when they have kids they get bought for. Still send cards tho. And the monetary value for xmas is £5 each child and £10 for bdays.

JustJoinedRightNow Thu 09-Aug-18 09:28:24

This is outrageous! You are definitely NBU.

Out of interest, how much money were you sending? That’s five nieces and nephews and are you sending them all money? What do you do for Christmas presents? I am gobsmacked at this.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 09-Aug-18 09:29:08

Stop!!!! I thought convention was normally until they turned 18. Although some people do this longer, but I'd only do this if you have a great relationship with your adult nieces and nephews (I have one aunt I'm very close to, she comes to stay at our house, and we would buy each other presents at birthdays and Christmas etc however I don't do this with other aunts and uncles). I had an elderly aunt who still sent a tenner in a card until she died however although it was lovely I'd have understood if she had stopped, I always felt like I never really gave much back to her.

I think your SIL is a separate issue and wouldn't stop just because she is acting like an unreasonable cow! It's not really anything to do with her if she is an adult.

I probably just wouldn't mention it again to her. But I would send SIL a text asking her to transfer the backdated cash from your children's birthdays and Christmas that she's missed, plus interest, thanks! What a CF demanding money off you for her own adult children when she isn't bothered about yours!!

LagunaBubbles Thu 09-Aug-18 09:29:13

Im sorry but I cant believe you need to ask this - do you and your DH normally let people walk all over you? They are adults! She doesnt send your children anything. Read it again.

Jeezoh Thu 09-Aug-18 09:29:53

Tell her you’ll send it once she’s sent you money for all the birthdays she’s missed for your youngest!

strawberrypenguin Thu 09-Aug-18 09:29:55

Don't send a replacement and stop sending it altogether.

Weird of your SIL to be harassing you about it as we children are grown up anyway! Do they ever thank you themselves?

You are struggling to find the money and have a young family of your own. Focus on them not your greedy SIL

AtrociousCircumstance Thu 09-Aug-18 09:30:19

So she’s never sent your DC the same, apart from once?

Definitely keep sending money, and also lay down so she can wipe her feet on you.

Alternatively, stick up for yourself and tell her - not ask/suggest - that you won’t be doing it anymore. Maybe she needs to be reminded that she didn’t send for your kids.

You can keep the peace and slavishly obey a difficult and unpleasant person, or you can have a little bit of minor conflict and respect yourself.

Tiredspice2 Thu 09-Aug-18 09:30:51

Please stop, they are adults!!

Grumblepants Thu 09-Aug-18 09:30:56

Your post says your children are younger so will miss out, but that she forgets their birthdays anyway. So the way I see it, they won't miss out on anything. Stop sending money and put it toward your own children to make up for what they missed from SIL.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Thu 09-Aug-18 09:31:15

Stop being a doormat! This is ridiculous.

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