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Share passive aggressive comments you've received from your MIL

(218 Posts)
oxymomon Thu 09-Aug-18 08:49:18

My MIL is a cow to me. But she is also cunning enough to be able to veil her comments so they go over the head of my husband and father in law. E.g. when I put on weight recently and she kept saying "you look healthy". I knew it was a dig but I couldn't say anything. I said it to my husband after and he thought she was just being nice.

I thought it would be helpful to hear what other passive aggressive comments others have received from your in-laws. But feel free to just share any out and out insults too. I'd also love to hear your responses, or do you all just grin and bear the comments?

I'll finish with one of her worst: when we first got engaged, she said "I was glad you didn't put it in the paper in case it doesn't work out"...

NaturalBornWoman Thu 09-Aug-18 10:44:22

unfortunately for many, this is not a myth, it is a reality ....
And for the experience of all of my friends, there is only one who says her MIL is great and has no problems with her .... Some people just don't know what their place is in the family.

It is impossible that the mothers of sons are any worse people or less likely to understand 'their place in the family' than mothers of daughters. Many are mothers of offspring of both sexes. Therefore the widespread issue of MILs and DILs at loggerheads on here must be equally to do with the DIL. Maybe a lot of DILs have difficulty understanding the MILs place in the family.

Pigeonpresent Thu 09-Aug-18 10:44:42

“It’s funny you don’t seem as into your looks since the baby was born”

“I think I’ll just call him Daniel” (the baby’s name is fuck all like Daniel)

“The house will be lovely once it has some personality” -cue buying me shit signs like ‘if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie’

And my personal favourite though not PA; with hand on DH’s thigh, looking into his eyes “ooh, if you weren’t my son” confused

Pettyspaghetti Thu 09-Aug-18 10:47:29

When I was 19 and working in retail I was asked “so, when are you going to get a proper job?”

-I was told I wore too much fake tan (it wasn’t a lot) which resulted in me stopping wearing it completely.

-When me and DH (DP at the time) told her I was pregnant, she commented “oh. Well at least DH’s brother did it the RIGHT way around”. This was because we had a child before marriage.

-Always likes to comment how DD looks like every single member of her family, with absolutely no resemblance to me.
This is why I like to refer to her in my head as Satan...

ASliceOfArcticRoll Thu 09-Aug-18 10:48:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariaMadita Thu 09-Aug-18 10:49:58

MIL bashing threads and perpetuating the myth of MIL as monster

Mine isn't a monster. But she just doesn't like me / thinks I'm not good enough for her son.

I "took" her son out of the country to "where I'm from" (nevermind the great job opportunity...), I'm not protestant (it unfortunately really matters to her...), I'm too loud and whatever I do isn't good enough. (I do most of the cooking => sly digs about not being a modern woman. DH washed the window => whether I feel alright letting him do the work.)

I try to be understanding because I know that religion is a sensitive topic - also to me personally btw (but it's not my fault DH just doesn't really care about the church he grew up in...) and I understand that not being close to her first grandchild must be upsetting. And Idk, maybe my pregnancy made her worried about what her relationship will be like with the LO... I really try to be understanding.

But she isn't helping the situations (at all)! Being rude to me and - even worse - my family. Especially my mother. It's just... Not acceptable.

ladydickisathingapparently Thu 09-Aug-18 10:51:04

Blossom mine does that - the arriving early thing. She loves trying to catch people out.

DH tells a story of when he was little and he remembers visiting a relative so early that apparently the relative asked would they please not come so early next time. MIL found this hilarious and cackled all the way home about it. So on the next visit MIL made everyone get up at 5 am so they could get to the relative’s at 6. Hilarious.

Coldilox Thu 09-Aug-18 10:51:28

I adore my MIL, she's one of the kindest people I've ever me, but she used to do one thing that made me laugh every time.

She's a retired dentist and a bit of a health nut, and thinks sugar is basically poison.

Every time she made me a cup of tea, she'd poitendly ask "I forget, do you take sugar in your tea?" I had one. Always had done. She asked me every single time for 12 years!!

I actually stopped having sugar in my tea about 3 years ago. She's never once forgotten how I take it since then grin

(I should add I've always been slim and she tells me I have wonderful teeth, so it's not like the sugar she so objected to was doing me much harm!)

piscis Thu 09-Aug-18 10:53:56

It is impossible that the mothers of sons are any worse people or less likely to understand 'their place in the family' than mothers of daughters. Many are mothers of offspring of both sexes. Therefore the widespread issue of MILs and DILs at loggerheads on here must be equally to do with the DIL. Maybe a lot of DILs have difficulty understanding the MILs place in the family

There is a big difference. If my mum is interfering regarding my baby or the way I bring her up, it is more likely that I am not going to take it so badly (because she is not a stranger!) and also, because I can tell her to fuck off. That's the difference and that causes friction in many cases, a lot.

ReachOutAndTouchDave Thu 09-Aug-18 10:54:12

"Maybe SIL and BIL don't have these difficulties with cashflow because she has a proper job." (SIL is a teacher, I am an administrator.)

"You've always done bedtimes for your kids. That's the one thing I've always thought you do right." (Both SILs let their kids stay up watching tv because they 'won't go to bed' It was the one thing that I took to heart.)

"It's important that your DSs like football, you really need to get them involved in some clubs. They won't be able to interact with other boys and men if they don't. That's why DH stepdad struggles to talk to DH." My DSs and DH couldn't care less about football. It's seen as a character flaw.

I love her, she's helpful in so many ways but she can be hard to take sometimes.

Summernamechange Thu 09-Aug-18 10:57:07

Oh I’d forgotten with MIL one xmas bought me some size 6 PJs ‘to slim into’.
I was a size 10. I had to explain to DH I would only fit into a 6 if I cut my hip bones and breasts off.

He must have said something as after that everything was a size 18.

MariaMadita Thu 09-Aug-18 11:04:52

It is impossible that the mothers of sons are any worse people or less likely to understand 'their place in the family' than mothers of daughters. Many are mothers of offspring of both sexes. Therefore the widespread issue of MILs and DILs at loggerheads on here must be equally to do with the DIL. Maybe a lot of DILs have difficulty understanding the MILs place in the famil

On some level I agree. But I also think it has a lot to do with the sons... And the whole dynamic in general.

Yes, of course I have a closer relationship to my own mother. She's much more involved / also in the pregnancy and our wedding ceremony/recognition (after the birth...) in general.

However, why would I treat a person that made it clear she didn't like me (and my family!!) like my own mother?

There's also the fact that she raised me / we have similar opinions and ideas in regards to many things...

And isn't it her son's duty to inform and include her / make sure she feels included? (Just like I do with my family?) I have never tried to influence their mother son relationship...

I do wonder whether there's a similar dynamic / problems with FILs/SonILs?

ASliceOfArcticRoll Thu 09-Aug-18 11:05:19

Also I know a few men in different generations of my family who have loathed their mils but they wouldn't have had bothered having conversations about it with friends (or nowadays chat about it on an internet forum.) They just didn't visit bar Christmas and said "can't stand the woman / we clash" if asked and that was it.

In my parents generation a lot of couples started family life with a baby in their parents' home. Very often it was the woman's family home and the man clashing with his Mil was the stock joke of their generation.

Racecardriver Thu 09-Aug-18 11:05:26

'I don't like to see that' about my toddler who was throwing a bit of a fit because he didn't want to go to bed. She doesn't believe in bed times and doesn't understand what a circadian rhythm is but she does think that not caving the second a child's lip starts to wobble is child abuse because she is such a good person that she doesn't like watching children cry. As if I do it fir fun!

Itsanothernamechange Thu 09-Aug-18 11:08:24

My mil ran to her room locking herself in on finding out i was pregnant. Refused to speak to dh for weeks. After the birth we had to move in to hers as landlord was selling up. We were in the process on buying a property. Mil was helping with deposit etc. A week before the exchange she decided to take back the money because she "wanted me work harder at life" i was on maternity from my full time job with a 8 week old prem baby. Ended up costing us a lot of money with solicitor fees etc and then extra finding a rental. Shes now not speaking to me because we rent and renting is beneath her.

Raver84 Thu 09-Aug-18 11:12:16

So many from mine her favourite is telling me I look tired and that I shouldn't be working. Maybe I do look tired but I think it's really rude to say it to anyone. I also enjoy my job. I pull her up on it everytime now though I hardly bother to see her anymore as it's too much agg . Leave her to dh to deal with. The more kids I've had (4) the more irritating she is.

helpbeforeimelt Thu 09-Aug-18 11:13:44

My ds is 20 and has a lovely girlfriend.

After years of the critical and negative comments from both in laws at times and their obsession with dieting and calorie counting I vowed never to behave like it with ds girlfriend.

She's a lovely girl and I'm more than happy to every now and then remind ds to always be respectful and complimentary to her and to always show her he loves her.
It's really important to me to teach your sons especially to respect their partners. You can't really do that when you don't respect them yourself can you.

Dh has a childhood of negative criticism from his parents and even now they find it very hard to say congrats or well done for something.

My parents on the other hand were the opposite. I have a fab relationship with them and they treat my dh like their own son.
He gets equal to anything I get at Xmas birthdays etc and my dad recently helped him out inancially as his car broke down.

He asked his parents (loaded)to help and he would pay them back and was told a flat no.
I know they are under no obligation however she rang back two days later and said they had thought about it and if he fixed the car rather than buy a new one and it went into their garage to get a quote first they would consider helping hmm he's a 43 year old grown man who travels a lot for work.

Needless to say I called my dad and within an hour he had helped and was more than happy to do so.

CheeseYesPlease Thu 09-Aug-18 11:15:52

Not really passive aggressive but a bit cheeky for instance I would say;
"Oh DD has started saying mumma today" and she will say;
"Yeah they do that"

Yup thanks for that info captain obvious 🤣 there is more comments along these lines don't know why she can't just say "oh that's great!"

kikashi Thu 09-Aug-18 11:16:07

Itsanother that is so cruel. How awful for you. Are you NC now?

Loonoon Thu 09-Aug-18 11:17:45

My mum and her sisters are total bitches and the masters of PA. An evening with them is like an episode of Mapp and Lucia or Hinge and Brackett.

A particular favourite of mine was my aunt visiting my house the day before my dads funeral. I was pregnant, still working FT and catering the whole after party so things were pretty full on. I took a couple of trays out of the oven and she cooed sweetly ‘Oooh, shop bought sausage rolls - you are brave!’ Followed by the classic tinkly laugh.

ladycarlotta Thu 09-Aug-18 11:19:04

This thread is making me laugh like a drain, but I am also thanking my stars that my MIL is not a total bitch. I will not pretend that it isn't also incredibly cathartic when my SIL and I get together and discuss the mad things she's said and done, but none of it is malicious or comes from a place of dislike.

Ceebs85 Thu 09-Aug-18 11:19:55

Who knows the damage that leaving her with a stranger could do.

Said in passing so it almost passed me by.

On our my decision to use a childminder rather than her

Tobebythesea Thu 09-Aug-18 11:23:49

When she looked after DD when she was a baby for a couple of hours “I’m afraid she didn’t miss you at all!” followed by a tinkly laugh. Bitch.

nowshesaturtle Thu 09-Aug-18 11:23:57

I've got another one from my MIL. She has always been a size 18-20, I've always been a 10-12. At one point 12s were getting a bit tight on me so went on a diet until I hit a size 10 again.

When she saw me she made a comment about me having lost weight. Then, over the course of the weekend, asked me several times if she could borrow items of my clothing. She was trying to goad me into saying that they wouldn't fit her. So I didn't, I just kept saying yes, sure, let me know when you want it. Drove her mad grin

Bridezilla2be Thu 09-Aug-18 11:24:46

My MIL seemed lovely until SIL announced she was pregnant and the second she left, MIL: Now we’ll never be rid of her shock

Dread to think what she says about me! grin

nowshesaturtle Thu 09-Aug-18 11:26:02

Tobebythesea - oh yes, I used to get that one too grin

Fortunately I was always very happy not to be missed if it gave me a couple of hours of guilt-free time off <not very maternal>

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