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Mummy has a beard on her willy

(315 Posts)
Ahostofgoldendaffodils Mon 06-Aug-18 18:01:32

I thought I’d combine two of Mumsnet’s favourites: kids saying inappropriate things and lady garden grooming. I’ll start: my two year old DD watched me shower one day and was quite taken with my somewhat blooming bush. Later that day she announced to my DH and MIL that ‘mummy has a beard on her willy’. Admittedly, I do have quite a ‘beard’ down there, but I don’t have a willy. AIBU that kids often come out with some of the most hilarious yet inappropriate things? What’s yours?

bluemascara Mon 06-Aug-18 18:06:18

My 2 year old was pulling on his weaner, stretching it out. I said 'what are you doing?' He said 'making it bigger like daddy's'
Fuck I didn't know where to look it was so funny the way he just came out with it

Stillme1 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:07:05

Oh dear the DH is fine but the MIL. Blush!

TheQueef Mon 06-Aug-18 18:09:04

Mummy has a front bum not a Willy but she has a moustache on it.
Kindly explained by DS to the man installing the shower.

Theweasleytwins Mon 06-Aug-18 18:17:21

I'm imagining a comedy mustache🤣with twirled ends

LoveInTokyo Mon 06-Aug-18 18:18:53

Kid I used to look after said, “My mummy’s got a fluffy bottom. Do you have a fluffy bottom too?”

LoveInTokyo Mon 06-Aug-18 18:20:23

Same kid, during a discussion about the school guinea pig, asked me, “Do guinea pigs like it when people put their fingers in their bottoms?”

Said guinea pig died in unexplained circumstances a couple of weeks later.

MrsMotherHen Mon 06-Aug-18 18:21:14

My DS3 came out with last week can we watch film with cockporns meaning popcorns I was crying laughing now popcorn will never be the same again.

WorldCupnovice Mon 06-Aug-18 18:21:29

My DH was getting out of the bath. DD (then a toddler) saw his manhood and told him that he had a poo hanging down! Fortunately we managed to stop her when she tried to tell DM the next day. She also declared for all to hear " why did that lady put a stick up your bum?" , as I walked out of the nurse's room into a surgery full of people. I rushed out of the clinic murmuring 'smear test'.

ItWentInMyEye Mon 06-Aug-18 18:23:13

My DS came into the bathroom while I was drying after a shower and I was bent forward. He later asked -in front of DP, MIL, BIL, FIL- why I had "long boobs" shock

Mishappening Mon 06-Aug-18 18:25:27

My DD aged about 6 finished having a poo and said:"Was I full of poo?" I said: "No, not completely full; just a bit in there." Long thought from DD and then she said: "Is the queen full of poo?"

That's my little republican!

lilythesheep Mon 06-Aug-18 18:25:38

I am pregnant. One recent morning...

DD (3): "Mummy, you have hair on your bottom."
Me: "Yes, grown up women do."
DD: "But when the baby comes out, all that hair will tickle it too much."

delphguelph Mon 06-Aug-18 18:26:16


DS said I had 'leaves in my bum' the other day.


Time to get the bic out

delphguelph Mon 06-Aug-18 18:27:40

DS also said that 'mummy's breath stinks' in the morning. Cheers matey.

And apparently I tried to show my bum to him (whilst he was on the phone to my mum)

He's an arse monger is my lad.

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo Mon 06-Aug-18 18:27:40


DS once walked in on me when he was about 3 whilst I was in the toilet, and attempting to change my tampon...he ran out of the bathroom and exclaimed to DH...MUMMY HAS A DEAD MOUSE UP HER BUM"

RoseWhiteTips Mon 06-Aug-18 18:36:23

This bic?

Ahostofgoldendaffodils Mon 06-Aug-18 18:36:39

grin Hilarious!! I’m just remembering another one, not as bad and from DS this time:

DS - touching my chin ‘Whiskers. Why do you have whiskers mummy?’

Me - ‘I don’t have whiskers’

DS - ‘You do! I can feel them!’

Clearly I hadn’t been doing a good job with my face bloom either. I swear, I am not Wolverine blush

agnurse Mon 06-Aug-18 18:38:31

My sister had thrush during her first pregnancy. Her MIL took her to the doctor and also brought along BIL's nephew as the MIL had legal guardianship of him. My sister came into the waiting room after her appointment and people were looking at her oddly. Her MIL said that nephew had announced to the entire room, "Auntie's pee pee is sore." Needless to say she rushed him out of there REALLY quick!

dingit Mon 06-Aug-18 18:41:42

My dd asked in the lull just after the vicar had finished his xmas sermon in a lovely clear voice ' mummy, what's a virgin? '

LakieLady Mon 06-Aug-18 18:43:04

My friend's DD used to ask all visitors, including meter readers, plumbers etc, if they had "A penis or a gina". If they told her which bit of kit they had, her follow up question was

"Can I see it?"

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 06-Aug-18 18:43:37

A friend told me today that her small son calls her privates her 'winkle' (I.e. same as his) and barks 'MUMMY - WIPE YOUR WINKLE' whenever they are in a loo. So glad my two are past that stage grin

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Mon 06-Aug-18 18:46:59

We were at a christening when DD was about 2 and still in nappies. It was a small church and there were only about 30 people there. Mid-ceremony she announced at the top of her voice 'Mama, I just did a big poo!'.

DH and I obviously took the announcement seriously, because we both left the church at high speed to never see any of those people again change her.

jelly449 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:47:26

I haven't had anything like this but some are so funny 😂 however there was a knock on the door once and my ds opened it before I could get it. It was a dpd driver

'Oh hello daddy, there you are....I've been waiting to meet you' with open arms as if he wanted this guy to pick him up 😱

No idea where that came from.

TotHappy Mon 06-Aug-18 18:47:37

If ever i shave anything - legs, armpits, vag (not often) - dd will ask 'wheres the hair gone?' In wondering consternation

ReverseGiraffe Mon 06-Aug-18 18:50:48

I hadn't had periods for a few years and once I had my coil taken out they came back with a vengeance. DD, then 3, had consequently never had experience with my periods. Until one day in the ASDA toilets I was changing a tampon and had to bring her in with me. She screamed "MUMMY THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE! WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING?!" Heard some giggles, ushered her out quickly and promised to explain at home.

Same child, now nearly 6, misheard me when I was explaining about her anatomy and vagina became "bajonga". Cue her going to school and tellinh everyone who would listen about bajongas.

I have since corrected her, and yesterday walking back from the park she sang a beautiful song consisting only of the word "vaginaaaaa, vaginaaaaa". blush

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