Or am I just inconsiderate?

[shouldbeabletomultitask]

Name changed for this.

July has been a very busy month as we have been celebrating my youngest daughter’s graduation and 21st birthday within days of each other. Graduation involved a couple of nights stay in her university city and thereafter I’ve had a relative houseful with various of her friends staying for the 21st. The last one will go home this afternoon. I was widowed some years ago but I’m in a new relationship. New partner kindly organised a meal out for graduation and the 21st locally as his “gift”.

In between graduation and the 21st he took some professional exams which he passed. When he phoned to tell me I said all the right things (which anybody would) and even made a suitable congratulatory comment on his FB when he posted the news there.

Thereafter he applied for a job which he was all but “promised” but his application was subsequently rejected last Thursday.

21st was last Wednesday. Meal out was Saturday. I went to his on Friday (we don’t live together), we had a meal out, but I’d taken birthday cake to his for “dessert” as he was working away on Wednesday and unable to attend the party at my house.

Had meal out on Saturday as planned.

I noticed he’d seemed quiet on Saturday and he left mine very early Sunday morning. He has form for being moody so I recognise the signs. Anyhow, he ignored three phone calls from me yesterday plus a subsequent follow up text. Neither did he reply to an email I’d forwarded to him about an event we have pre-arranged for August.

This morning he’s phoned me back. In his words he’s “pissed off” with me because I didn’t do anything to acknowledge his passing his exams. On Friday I “should” have brought over a bottle of champagne and not just a piece of birthday cake. I should also have made the meal we had on the Friday night more special too. As it was we just went back to his for birthday cake and didn’t even have dessert in the restaurant.

I apologised and said my head had been full of the 21st celebrations plus I was conscious he’d been rejected for new job which had taken over his exam success. We had discussed this at some length on Friday.

He said that clearly I didn’t appreciate his job or what the professional exam meant and that being busy with 21st celebrations was no excuse as I should be able to multi task like he did when organising the graduation meal and 21st meal. Apparently I should have seen from the comments on his FB post that this success was something very special and organised something appropriate. I said that I hadn’t even looked at all the FB comments as my life doesn’t revolve around FB!

He ended by saying that the moment had now gone so even should I plan something for a later date it was too late.

He was going to say something about it when he arrived at mine on Saturday but thought it inappropriate as the young friends were all here; he decided to wait until they’d left on Sunday. I told him one was still here and they’d clearly understood there was an upsetting conversation going on as they could see my reaction. That quietened him down a bit.

Have I been inconsiderate? I am professionally qualified myself, in a completely different profession, but one where exams are the norm for progression and promotion. It is not that I don’t understand or appreciate the effort people put into success such as this but when you get to our age (he’s in his 60’s by the way) it is a bit different to the youngsters starting out on life. His didn’t involve a graduation by the way, rather a set of exams which give him a senior role within his field).

Oh, I’ve just remembered, apparently I didn’t wish him good luck at an appropriate time either. I should have done that as he was leaving mine the day before the exam, and not by text last thing at night.......????

Feel a bit flat now he’s said that after the buzz of the last couple of weeks!

[Seniorcitizen1]

He is acting like a spolit child

[heartsease68]

He sounds like an over-sensitive kill joy who will always be hard work to balance with a family.

[HotStickyTired]

I am confused. Did a daughter change into a son halfway through this post or am I getting it wrong entirely?

[HotStickyTired]

Oh it's your partner who is behaving like an overtired 4 year old who got spoiled at the fairground and is throwing a tantrum for one more icecream at home time.

[BottleOfJameson]

YANBU. I don't think I could handle a strop like that. What next? His birthday present wasn't big enough? I could have sympathy if he didn't strop but said "I didn't feel like we got enough of a celebration for my exams and I'm feeling a bit deflated about the job can we redo the celebration night".

[deloresclaiborne]

sounds to me like he's throwing a strop and about not getting the job and taking it out on you

[Allthewaves]

Crikey I'd ditch him. Sounds like he wants to be the centre of your world

[Shoxfordian]

He has form for being moody so this sounds like more of the same shit. Life's too short op.

[NWQM]

You know him and will no how in character this is. We all have our unreasonable days and he was probalay gutted to not get the job. I’d probalay just say ‘I’m sorry if I upset you but can we do something nice now’

[FlapAttack23]

Yanbu .. i couldnt hack that.. he would be told to grow up.or piss off. I had an ex like that once. Thats how he became an ex. Maybe i am a nasty cow though 😂

[wellBeehivedWoman]

I think the line probably lies somewhere in the middle - I can see why he wanted a bit of a fuss made of him but I can also see that you've been very busy and that you did acknowledge it - albeit not in the way he expected. So I don't think you have been inconsiderate, but it's also not necessarily the case that he's an ungrateful prick.

This is a 'love language' dilemma - I.e. What are the ways you express love to your partner, and are you expressing love in the way he needs to receive love? That's not a one way street - he has to also recognise the effort you did make, and express his love for you in the way you need. But it requires lots of open communication to make sure you each understand the ways in which you offer and require support and love and understanding.

It's also worth considering if this is a pattern from him. If he is frequently ungrateful and demanding of your time and resources, it may be a more serious issue. But if he's usually great and this is unusual, it might be more about meeting in the middle on things he thinks are really important.

Use this as a chance for an honest conversation about the way you express your feelings for each other, and what is and isn't a reasonable expectation.

[troodiedoo]

Petulant, form for moodiness? Those pesky red flags again!

[Tinty]

Maybe he is massively disappointed about not getting the job, especially as he was all but promised it, and just needed some reassurance. He passed his exams and you congratulated him on facebook but you were then busy with your DD's graduation and 21st birthday (big events!) and he feels overlooked.

He seems a nice person to do the things for your DD that he did and not complaining when all the other young people were around (he didn't realise one was still there).

Maybe you could just give him some nice attention now and thank him for doing the things he did for your DD.

[Snowysky20009]

He would be an ex by now if I was you. Sorry he sounds like hard work, does he have any redeeming qualities???

[NonaGrey]

Oh dear Lord I couldn’t be bothered with that nonsense from a man in his sixties.

Seriously he sounds like a petulant teenager and there’s nothing remotely attractive about that.

I’d run for the hills.

[Joboy]

You see why he did get the job now can't you.
he is spoiled ummies boy . She always put him at centre of her world and he expect you to do the same .
Any man who has got to 60s and still behaves like this is not a keeper . There is a reason he is single in his 60s.
Run run run

[OrgyOfBarminess]

What kind of exam was it?!

He just sounds jealous of the attention that you've quiet rightly being giving to your daughter.

You've not made a fuss because he didn't get the job, I reckon if you had made a fuss that would have been wrong as well 🙄

I'd let him stew a few days and if anything similar comes up or he throw this in your face tell him to jog on and grow up.

[Iloveacurry]

He sounds like a child.

[Ohyesiam]

What he’s posed off about is not getting the job, and he thinks you should be the scapegoat.

[JessieMcJessie]

Just as well your daughter is now “officially an adult” because your boyfriend is acting like a child!
It’s fine for him to say how he felt, and you should of course have apologised for inadvertently hurting his feelings (perhaps you did?), but that should be the end of it. It’s not fine for him to sulk and be petulant.
And tough titty that your 21 year old’s needs trumped his- she comes first, particularly as her Dad isn’t around any more.

[Booklover18]

He’s just annoyed that he didn’t get the job. He thought he was all that and obviously isn’t, and he’s taking it out on you. He didn’t like your daughter getting all the attention and praise for graduation and 21st and is acting like a spoilt kid - can’t believe he’s in his 60’s!! I’d tell him to grow up and get over himself! If he doesn’t like it then he knows where he can go.

[WittyFuck]

It’s good that you have loads of experience being a mum. You’re going to need it!

[Aquamarine1029]

I see the red flags flying high and bright with this petulant man child, and I hope you do too, op. He has "form" for this type of attitude? Fuck that. Life is far too short to chain yourself to this emotionally manipulative and abusive prick.

[Topseyt]

Your partner honestly sounds like a horrid spoilt brat. I would not stand for that.

I would give him a reply somewhere along the lines of if he couldn't stop being a spoilt brat then the relationship was over. I certainly don't think you had, or have, anything to apologise for.

You say he has form for such behaviour. So this is how he has treated you before. He will again too the next time he thinks your behaviour has fallen short of treating him like a king.

[LionAllMessy]

Every day I read threads on here and wonder why these women stick with these men. Are there really this many women out there who don't realise that not all men are like this?

OP, you sound very intelligent. Surely you can see that his behaviour is undesirable? I would never be with a man who acts like this. There are plenty of men out there who don't.