To be fighting to help my friend *Possible Trigger warning...grooming*

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Ive NC as extremely outing. Posting for traffic, need urgent advice on benefits and housing. Going to try and keep it as succinct as possible.

Friend of mine is really having a tough time at the moment. Her partner was arrested after being caught in an online sting by a paedo hunting group. None of us had a clue what he was up to and she was devastated.

Her life has literally collapsed.

Not only is she dealing with what's happened but it's possible she could now lose her home. He was the main earner, she had a pt job. She's unfortunately now lost that as she simply couldn't cope with what had happened and didn't turn up for shifts for a week, tho she did let them know. Recent employment so no rights, and understands why she was let go. Now signed off sick with depression for a month.

Had WTC, assessed on the wage she had (about 100pw) plus CTC.

She had already put a claim in for HB and CTaxB before she lost the job.

Then phoned and explained that she had lost her job due to her ill health and was told to claim UC. Claim duly put in, while still trying to hold things together for her teenage daughter and DS19.

Eviction proceedings were triggered as she was 4 weeks behind with rent, due to all of the above.. they are due to issue a summons next week, according to them. And yes they are aware of some of the circumstances.

She has this week been told that she will get no HB and no CTaxB due to her DS19 working. So will get only Child Benefit and CTC under UC. Unsure yet about any other income element, and has been told to wait til 1st week August for decision.

DS19 refuses point blank to pay towards the rent or to move out to allow her to claim HB, despite knowing that eviction is likely.

She's now stuck. He won't move out, or pay anything yet they are including his income as household income. This has left her in a complete pickle, to say the least.

She is deep in depression, so no chance of working anytime soon and afaik cannot claim PIP for 3.months.

How can I help her? I find it so wrong that she basically has an unwanted houseguests whose income is being included despite it not benefiting the household. Can they disregard it? She has tried to get him to.leave but he won't. She has no energy left to fight him and he won't listen to anyone else.

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Sorry for long post, I kept it as short as poss and have left much out, trying to focus on the immediate needs. We are as a friendship group also trying to help her deal with what he did.

[jackiethelad]

I am so sorry for your friend dealing with this. Posting mainly to bump as I don't have much of a clue. Perhaps she could threaten legal action, calling police etc, to have her son removed from the house? He sounds like a right piece of work. Obviously this could have far too much of an emotional strain on her and considering her depression maybe impractical. But a suggestion. I wish all the best for your friend.

[DoJo]

Shelter might be able to help with her housing situation and the citizens advice bureau often have people who can help with benefits. If she moved out without her son, would she be able to claim housing benefit on a new place?

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Thankyou. We have suggested police also but she is in such a fragile state of mind at present that she can't. She is baffled That his income can be counted as her household when he refuses to pay anything, and freely admits this to benefits. He is literally an unwanted lodger as it stands, but still her son and she cannot deal with the emotional and practical upheaval of getting him removed at present, especially with a vulnerable teenage daughter also (his little sis).

Women's Aid have offered counselling options via local charities, but the pressing issue is housing and benefits and nobody seems willing or able to see her as anything but a number or someone to be pigeonholed.

I am literally hitting a brick wall in trying to get help for her, and the ex turned up knocking on her door today, as he has no bail conditions. This has properly sent her spiralling down and I am desperate to get help for her as she cannot see a way out.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Where is her ds going to move to when she gets evicted

Could he live with a friend or sofa surf for a little while to give her a little breathing space and to get back on her feet.

It is not like the alternative is a permanent home. If he stays he will have to move out anyway as there is no arguing with bailiffs.

It must have been a shock to him. At least if he goes on his own accord now he will have somewhere to stay in the future

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Dojo she is on a HA tenancy which she had before the ex partner, so I think it's a lifetime one, bar eviction. His name is now off it. They are making sympathetic noises but not much else and insisting on going through legal routes. She's paid approx half the 450 arrears, but each week increases it by another 100.

Arrears mean that council have said they will treat her as intentionally homeless.

Oliversmumsarmy this is the exact point that we have all tried to make to her DS. He has struggled to process it yes. He is also well aware of her situation, and that of his younger sister but refuses to help by cash or moving.out ( despite the fact he's been thinking of a flatshare with a mate for ages).

He has a small amount of savings and a decent job for his age so is well able to afford 100 a week to keep the family roof over all of their heads, at least short term for some respite. It's been explained that a small bedsit and bills will probably be about the same for him alone, and that he won't have a choice soon, as well as Mum and sister being homeless, but he is truly burying his head in the sand and refusing to discuss it without losing his rag. It's a vicious circle.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Does he realise that when she does get evicted the council will not re house him.


I might be clutching at straws that he doesn't know this..

[Domino20]

Well if she/the whole family are being evicted then the eldest son would be forced to move out at that point. Your friend could then register herself and daughter as homeless. She wouldn't have to do a joint application with the 19 year old son. Now none of this would be easy or pleasant but it would remove the burden of housing a working adult.

[VeryConcernedFriend]

And if friend gets evicted for arrears, she won't qualify for council housing apparently. Also no cash to move now without son.

Truly a vicious circle, and every agency I contact to try and help her refers it on, with time ticking away.

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Thanks Oliver's and domino. The council have already said that rent arrears would mean she is classed as intentionally homeless, which is as far from the case as can be.

She's used 4 weeks of CTC to get elec gas and basic food. I will be cooking for and feeding her and daughter next week, just to try and ease pressure a bit.

She has done nothing wrong and is being driven to the edge by a system that has no leeway. And I really don't know how to get the system to bend :(

[Ledkr]

Local mp?

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Ledkr that is on list. Cab shelter 1st 2. Law centre if I can find a local one, then MP.

I guess I am just desperately hoping someone on here can advise how to quickly get benefits to realise that a selfish son is not part of assumed household income and how to go forward.

The ridiculous thing is that he has so many places he could go but is refusing.

I can understand that maybe he is thinking he is punishing his Mum by being so stubborn, but not only did she really not know, he is hurting his younger sister also.

[VeryConcernedFriend]

I've also just looked up our local MP. Really cannot tell his thoughts from Parliamentary voting record, an odd bag. As is his webpage. All about him being local rather than views and policies. Small town with some large villages and close to a large city also so not a tiny hamlet..odd that focus is on him and family rather than policies...but aren't they all the same.once on gravy train....

[Regingaphalange]

I'm going to be harsh here. Your friend needs to kick her son out. He is causing undue distress. She can change locks

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Regingaphalange.....

We know this. She knows this. Easier said than done. A violent and confused 19 yr old?

Cos a bent and beaten and depressed Mum, trying to protect a 15 yr old confused girl is SO capable of kicking out a bent and violent 19yo, twice her size, whilst said 15yo is watching, and confused?

Whatever planet you live on, it's not this one, with all due respect.

DFOD.

[clairedelalune]

Like regina said. While your friend's circumstances are dreadful and not her fault, unfortunately for her the benefits system has to be applied in a standardized way, otherwise everyone would be claiming that the working extra adult in the house was an unwanted house guest but could they have the money anyway. He needs a very frank talking to and given option of living together as a family, but because he has a job he needs to help support said family, or supporting himself and not living with the family, but either option needs to be in place asap.

[clairedelalune]

Just seen your update. I that case police need calling when he becomes violent. It sounds like he is struggling with everything that is happening; has he been abused by the partne

[clairedelalune]

Partner

[clairedelalune]

As in could he have been groomed by the partner?

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Thanks Claire. Yes, she is aware of this. He has been asked to.leave, several times. Not least because his general behaviour is appalling. He is refusing.

As alluded to above, he gets violent. My friend cannot stand up to.him due to size and violence. The cops are no help, not even with keeping ex partner away.

We literally do not know what to do next.

Adult child in house but unwelcome and preventing friend from claiming. Police unable/willing to prevent exP from attending house at will. Friend can't stay but can't leave.

[SongToTheSiren1]

Does her GP surgery have a 'care advisor'? These are people who are very knowledgeable on welfare and usually help with benefits claims and housing and may well be able to give some advice on your friend's awful situation as well. Look on the surgery website as a GP care advisor might be listed under 'attached staff' or some such. Usually contracted via the council but work in and out of surgeries. Might be worth a shot.

[VeryConcernedFriend]

No he has not been abused by partner.

That is 100%.

Social are involved as they suspect teen daughter may have been, it's 99% a no. Due to the age of the kids he groomed online, they Have to be involved. They also are no help, and cannot stop him rocking up at the house, as he has done tonight, which has pushed my mate to the edge.

He's kept away for weeks, been bailed, and is now seemingly exerting control.

I am really trying hard not to drip feed, and being careful about details.

Trust me, I will be pursuing the cops for help for her, as it's not on that ec can rock up.

As previously stated, she needs urgent advice on benefits and housing. I did not know where else to put this, and a search didn't enlighten me. Hence I posted for traffic and poss help. Cops also refusing to get involved with DS, saying it's a family matter. Hence her totally at the end of her rope.

No help, 2 traumatised kids, albeit 1 19. No idea where to turn. Facing eviction. ExP allowed to bug her at will. No wonder she's going slowly going the twist.

[MaverickSnoopy]

I suggest CAB. I know there is a standardised benefits system and they may not be able to help, but they can be very good.

I recently accompanied a family member to CAB with some financial and benefit related problems and they've really helped her out.

Is your friend paying out on anything else at the moment? Any bills? If so I suggest she contacts her suppliers to ask for reduced/no payments due to hardship, freeing up money for rent. Also CAB can provide food bank vouchers, again freeing up money for rent. My family member was given vouchers for a month which (combined with contacting her suppliers) has enabled her to fix her finances.

I agree that the son is the problem here. Would your friend be amenable to her friends stepping in to get him out? Nothing aggressive of course, but perhaps being home when he arrives and standing up for her and having the locks changed. Must be awfully hard being her son, so understand if this is not an option but she also needs to really get to grips with what she's facing. Also wouldn't normally suggest it but can she borrow the money somehow. Seems like it's that dire and might help...but only if she knows she'll manage to repay.

[VeryConcernedFriend]

Song, thanks. Her GP is excellent and have signed Her off. Also said they will support her against the eviction but HA not interested. They can refer for other services but a long wait unfortunately.

[Urbanbeetler]

If she won’t get the police and have him evicted from the house with all the pain which that entails, she cannot avoid eviction herself. As he daughter is 15 I believe they will be offered something, even if it is a b&b room in a hostel. The son will be on his own.

What a terrible dilemma. Her son is not responsible for her or his sister but is behaving most dishonourably. I hope she eventually gets back on her feet.