My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Angry ex, scared kids, and me

95 replies

NoLightInTheTunnel · 20/07/2018 16:40

Long time poster, name changed for this. Also posting here for traffic.

I know what you all are going to say, but it's not that simple Sad.

Back story: Ex was very abusive - mentally, emotionally, financially. Once or twice physically. DD1 (9) has ASD (diagnosed), but he refuses to accept it, saying she's just a naughty child. Two years ago he hurt DD1 and the GP reported him to the police and SS. He received a caution, which he now insists is rubbish and doesn't mean anything. He has both DDs every weekend.

Due to various reasons (eg DD1 threatening to kill herself), we have a CAF in place at school. The girls have told their teacher their dad has been pushing them around again, so it's been forwarded to the safeguarding team. I tried to speak to him about it and was told it's rubbish and the girls are exaggerating. He can sound very reasonable and convincing if he chooses to.

Today the Family Support Practitioner phoned him to discuss the concerns. She called me afterwards and was obviously shaken. She said she's never encountered a parent that hostile, and that he screamed at her and was absolutely vile. He is going to report her for misconduct. The school is persecuting him and trying to micromanage his life. The FSP warned me that he is extremely angry - fuming, and concerned that he will tell the girls not to tell me if he hurts them.

So he's due to pick them up tomorrow afternoon. They don't want to go. Telling him that will just make him angrier. Even after 5 years away from him I'm still scared to confront him. I will be at the receiving end of his anger. I want to move to the opposite end of the world to get away from him. Overall I think he's a good dad, even though your typical Disney Dad. Apart from him pushing them around (I've seen this and spoken to him about it - apparently they need pushing around a bit if they refuse to listen to them).

I don't want to send the girls to his, but they love their dad, and my stomach is in scared knots at the thought of confronting him.

I've also received an eviction notice and have two months to find somewhere else to live.

I'm at the end - I have no idea which way to turn. Please help Sad.

OP posts:
Report
NoLightInTheTunnel · 20/07/2018 16:40

Sorry, that was long.

OP posts:
Report
Ilovecamping · 20/07/2018 16:44

Listen to your children, they are scared of him, that is not a good dad. As for the eviction notice contact your local council to arrange getting in the housing register.

Report
AssassinatedBeauty · 20/07/2018 16:45

Don't send them, if they don't want to go and are scared of him.

I'm astonished they have unsupervised contact with him after he received a caution for physically hurting your DD. Is that court ordered?

Report
Bambamber · 20/07/2018 16:47

I am not quite sure how a father that pushes his children around and scares them can be described as a good dad.

Report
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/07/2018 16:49

I don't have any experience of this, but I always find it shocking that physically abusive parents are granted access to their children.
Can the FSP contact the relevant person in cp to make the recommendation for access to be rescinded? There's no way I'd let a child of mine be with a man like this.

Report
stargirl1701 · 20/07/2018 16:50

Can you phone duty social work now and speak to someone?

Report
Justanothernameonthepage · 20/07/2018 16:51

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Do you have family in the country you could look at moving near to for support?
You should talk to shelter about the eviction notice and options.
Were you married or was there a solicitor involved in sorting out access to DC? If so, contact them again.
I'd also talk to your GP about getting social services involved about stopping/limiting access . I'd also contact social services and tell them about your worries and concerns. Ask about pressing charges.
They can still love their dad and be in danger. He could think he loves them, but still hurt them. He's already damaging them mentally as well as physically. Protect your DC. Listen to them. Believe in what they are telling you (their df hurts and scares them.) Be on their side. He is hurting them and minimising it in front of you. How much do you want them to grow up thinking men that love them can hurt and lie to them?

Report
Justanothernameonthepage · 20/07/2018 16:53

Basically don't give in to the temptation to hope it magically gets better. Find a way to fight for your DC's safety. Don't keep it quiet.
Also write to your MP. Honestly, it gets your case attention.

Report
footballmum · 20/07/2018 16:54

On what planet is that being a good dad?! Protect your children and do not send them. Get SS involved and only agree to supervised access. If he becomes aggressive (whether verbally or otherwise) contact the police immediately.

Report
fuzzywuzzy · 20/07/2018 16:55

Is the contact court ordered?

Ring women’s aid and rights of women now.

Ask the CAF worker if she will make a statement to the police about his threats?

No way would I let me children go to contact under these conditions. Your child need to be protected from this man, he is not a good dad at all. You need to do the freedom programme if you think he is!

Report
NoLightInTheTunnel · 20/07/2018 16:55

@Ilovecamping - I have an appointment with Housing next week.

@AssassinatedBeauty - he had to sign an anti physical chastisement order with the police two years ago.

He has been OK for the past two years, but is now starting to push them around. They're starting puberty and can be difficult, so that's probably frustrating him.

I'm not making excuses for him, Lord knows I hate the fucking bastard.

There will be SS involvement again now.

OP posts:
Report
chillpizza · 20/07/2018 16:56

If you have SS involved due to his behaviour ask them for advice and also ask them for help with finding housing you might be surprised and they might be more than happy to pull out the stops to get all of you far far away from this man. If his shaking up a professional with his anger your poor children must be petrified of him and likely want to see him due to fear of his anger if they don’t see him.

Report
Justanothernameonthepage · 20/07/2018 16:59

If he had to sign a police order, visit them and tell them what is happening. Get it recorded in as many places as possible. Actively seek out and talk to ss- don't just wait for them to get round to you.

Report
NoLightInTheTunnel · 20/07/2018 17:00

I have no family in this country, I literally have nobody to turn to. I've done the Freedom programme - that's what gave me the courage to leave him.

He honestly believes he's not doing anything wrong - I suspect he's on the spectrum as well. He's also a narcissist - I know that term gets thrown about a lot, but he really is one.

I know I must protect my DDs, and of course they come first above anything else, but I'm scared to confront him. And now that SS is involved again, and the safeguarding team, he's going to be extra nasty to me. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
Report
Allthewaves · 20/07/2018 17:01

I'd up and leave and go to the other end of the country into a refuge and sort things out from there. No forwarding address. Your dd have right to be safe

Report
NoLightInTheTunnel · 20/07/2018 17:10

I have just e-mailed the police officer who was involved the first time, and updated her on what's going on.

OP posts:
Report
mumsastudent · 20/07/2018 17:10

strikes me that your being forced to leave property& move might have come at a good time. When you go to housing tell them they may be delighted (!!!) to move you out of area because of housing crisis - it could be turning over new leaf - I would want to be moved as far away as possible

Report
YearOfYouRemember · 20/07/2018 17:11

You haven't the time to cry right now. You need to be getting on the phone to sort out stopped access. They don't want to go and it's about the children's rights not the twat that is their father's rights.

Report
YearOfYouRemember · 20/07/2018 17:12

Well done for the email. If you get nowhere with them, go elsewhere.

They may be difficult due to their ages but that's no justification to be physically bullied.

Report
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/07/2018 17:14

Leave now, ring women's aid. You are not alone Sweet, reach out.
Please listen to your daughters.🌸

Report
colditz · 20/07/2018 17:14

Don't make them go. Tell them they must stay upstairs while you deal with him at the door.

Then send him a text (not) telling him they will not be visiting, that they do not want to.

Then, do not open the door.

When he inevitably arrives, shouting and screaming the odds, call the police ON THE EMERGENCY 999 LINE. Have him taken away. Ring Womensaid.

Report
colditz · 20/07/2018 17:15

SHOULD SAY SEND HIM A TEXT (NOW)

Report
Oswin · 20/07/2018 17:16

You dont need to comfront him Op. You could inform him they wont be coming and then block him. Tell him to email anything from now on. And i would seriously consider fucking off to the other side of the country.

Report
Lizzie48 · 20/07/2018 17:16

There's no way your DDs should be anywhere near this man, he's an abuser and you need to keep you and them safe from him.

I had an abusive F. Believe me, it's better for children to grow up without a dad than to have a dad they're scared of. We loved our F as well. It didn't mean that he wasn't damaging her.

As SS are on the scene, you should speak honestly about this with the social worker.

Thanks

Report
Gilead · 20/07/2018 17:18

Text him. Take them out for tea, if he's there when you get back, call the police and have them escort you into the house.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.