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to think I don't have all this to come with my DD?

(251 Posts)
colalight Fri 20-Jul-18 12:37:39

Sorry this may be long but I don't want to drip feed. I have NCd.

I have been married about 12 years, together for nearly 20. we have one DD aged 10. Me and DH both work full time and went to university. We own our own home in a estate with other mortgaged houses. We come from backgrounds where our parents both worked, also went to university, grew up in nice get the idea.

BIL is 3 years younger. Has been with his fiance for 16 years. She comes from a family where the background is drug dealing/using, prison sentences, knife crime, truancy from school, benefit fraud, unemployment or cash in hand, dangerous dog convictions, smoking cannabis etc. Fiance is nice although she has been done for benefit fraud and currently works part time cash in hand. Fiance left school with no qualifications. BIL did a mechanics apprenticeship after leaving school at 16. They live in a council house in a council estate. They had their first DD at 19, she is now 16.

Their DD has been causing them a lot of trouble of late - playing truant, getting drunk, staying out all weekend with no contact with parents, no idea where she is, swearing at her parents.

When discussing it, her mum just says "that's what teenagers are like" and "you've got all this to come"

So...AIBU to think "actually no, I don't have all this to come and no, that isn't what all teenagers are like". AIBU to think their circumstances have a lot to do with it and I would handle it a lot differently (eg not taking a seemingly 'oh it's normal' attitude?)

Even my DH is making excuses for his brother, saying his DNiece used to be a lovely little girl, just like our DD is now. DNiece was, and still is, a moody ungrateful spoiled brat. I know that sounds horrible but it is. She's mean to our DD, gets £2000 spent on her at xmas and moans to my face if I don't buy her the right brand of present.

Do I really "have all this to come"?

notanurse2017 Fri 20-Jul-18 12:39:16

You might do, Op....

OllyBJolly Fri 20-Jul-18 12:40:29

You might do.

Some of the most sensible, middle class, mansion dwelling, engaged, disciplined parents I know had nightmare teens.

I wouldn't be too smug if I were you.

LagunaBubbles Fri 20-Jul-18 12:40:34

Who knows? But it may come as a surprise to you its not just teenagers from council houses that can test the boundaries. hmm

RedSkyLastNight Fri 20-Jul-18 12:42:52

Some teenagers are like that to varying degrees.
Some are not.
You can only mitigate to a point
.... I wouldnt' be too smug just yet ...

bluemascara Fri 20-Jul-18 12:44:05

Yab a little u
None of us know what our kids are going to bring to our doors. Keep an open mind and be ready for anything

CrispbuttyNo1 Fri 20-Jul-18 12:44:45

Who knows... I was the perfect daughter til I hit my teens and then I went off the rails. My parents were respectable, law abiding, didn’t drink, etc etc ... that didn’t stop me.

DearMrDilkington Fri 20-Jul-18 12:45:42

I came from a nice background, but I was still a little shit as a teenager.

Winterbella Fri 20-Jul-18 12:45:53

It can all depend OP, Its more the influences outside of the home life that will change a child's behavior in the teenage years, I mean how many times have you heard people say "oh but they come from such a good home"

But I know where you are coming from you would like to think it would be the least likely scenario given your parental approach, I probably would limit your DD's time alone with DNeice tbh.

Waitingonasmiley42 Fri 20-Jul-18 12:46:50

Often coming from a family with more money just makes it easier for teenagers to get access to drink and drugs.

Jorah Fri 20-Jul-18 12:48:51

You may not have a drug taking teen but I can promise you that you will have periods of problems and issues because that's life. She's 10 you have no idea what she's going to be like. She could be a model child then go to a festival and get caught giving her friends pills and get arrested - this has just happened to a friend of dds. Middle class family, a string oF a* gcses, lovely bright girl. Never ever be smug!

YoYotheclown Fri 20-Jul-18 12:48:57

You may do. But it doesn’t mean you have to slack on your parenting skills.
Can’t stand lazy parents. whatever the background.

Theweasleytwins Fri 20-Jul-18 12:49:12

I was a quiet book loving teen

My little sister has 2 tattoos (parents only know about one) and has done drugs

I've been drunk once and she has many times

Same parents. Different people

In our case I think it's because I'm much shyer and have learning difficulties that affect me

Awwlookatmybabyspider Fri 20-Jul-18 12:49:46

"Do I really have all this to come."

Who knows. One thing I do know. I'd be losing the smug "Oh no not my child" attitude. You mightbe dining on those words in 5 years.

HellenaHandbasket Fri 20-Jul-18 12:51:09

Yeah, cause kids at private school are all immaculately behaved 😂

actualpuffins Fri 20-Jul-18 12:51:37


People say things like "all this to come" to me and you never know what life may bring but it wasn't necessarily true about DDs so far. I never rebelled as a teenager or caused any trouble, there was nothing to rebel against as I had a good relationship with my parents and they always let me do stuff because they trusted me! Sure, I had some rows with them but my mum still remembers the time fondly!

I find the teenagers I know are absolutely amazing and have their heads screwed on much better than I did at their age.

IVEgotthePOWER Fri 20-Jul-18 12:51:51

There is no way of knowing what the future holds. You cant control who your dc become. You can however control how you handle situations.

Kaykay06 Fri 20-Jul-18 12:51:51

What exactly is your point?

You live in fancy towers so your kid couldn’t possibly meet the wrong people and go off the rails? It happens id be careful what you wish for if I were you.

Clearly bil upbringing same/similar to your dh but didn’t go to uni, you just earn more and bought your home. Doesn’t somehow make you immune your kid making friends with kids who aren’t perhaps good for her no matter how well you parent and how sanctimonious you are about your posh house and fancy upbringing and slagging of others. What difference does it make?

Do what you’re doing and concentrate on your own family and leave your bil to his...

Beamur Fri 20-Jul-18 12:52:46

I get where you're coming from (although the way you've framed it, you will get criticised for being snobby).
Not all teens are monsters.
Not all 'bad' teens are from 'bad' families.
Some 'good' kids will have difficult teen years.
Most of the teenagers I know are pretty nice, although some may be a bit less nice at home! My own SC's managed to remain the decent, friendly kids they were and are now lovely young adults.

Sirrah Fri 20-Jul-18 12:52:58

You can't predict how your daughter will behave, but you can be a good parent, be there for her as much as possible, be strict when necessary but without sweating the small stuff.

My DH and I live in a council house, have had to claim benefits at times, aren't university educated but still raised three amazing young people. They were very little trouble, all went to uni, and are now doing really well in their chosen careers. Background isn't everything, parenting is.

SmithyStreet Fri 20-Jul-18 12:54:13

Teenagers can be influenced by many different things. Nothing is certain.

My parents were middle class, nice house, nice area etc. I had an early curfew and they were quite strict. All my friends were nice kids and I got excellent reports from school. No outward signs of rebellion.

Yet I got pregnant at 15... You just can't predict what might happen.

Redteapot67 Fri 20-Jul-18 12:54:15

You might do. Some of the worst teenagers I knew came from very posh families and were entitled and got into drugs. All that money on private school and they ruined their lives.
You just can’t know.
Is there anything you can do to help your niece?

Jorah Fri 20-Jul-18 12:54:44

Yeah, cause kids at private school are all immaculately behaved


dd2 is at private school, loads of smoking and drinking and a few drugs.

You sound terribly blinkered OP and not very helpful to your ILs when they sound like they could do with a bit of support.

Armchairanarchist Fri 20-Jul-18 12:55:18

Surely you're not that naive?

Ohyesiam Fri 20-Jul-18 12:55:32

Well you might do, but no, not all teens are like this by a long way.

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