Plan to go back to work f/t how to deal with comments including MIL

[twiglet]

I'm aware that I may get crucified for this but there maybe some useful responses and not just slating me...

I'm just coming to the end of my first trimester however we have already decided that I will be going back to work ft after 9 months (use annual leave before going back) and my DH will have 4 months shared leave followed by a career break (he can take up to 2 years) then go back to work pt. The ratio between career break/pt not yet decided.

My DH is excited to be a stay at home Dad for a bit. Got books out on pregnancy and early years for Dad's to see how he can support me through pregnancy etc.

There is no doubt I will be ft as I earn close to triple my DH, have always been career driven and love working and my DH will be fantastic. The problem I have is how to deal with people's comments....

Not many people know yet about the pregnancy but MIL has already commented its strange and I should only be pt and it's not fair on our future child, she was a sahm followed by pt when the children were older and still works pt.
Friend has commented I could never do that to my child but everyone is different I guess... Its their view which is fine but its the implied guilt.

I don't want to fall out with anyone and we are not going to change our plans it works for us. But I know that I will get more comments like this (especially from some colleagues who are pt workers) and wanted some tips in polite but firm responses.

[MorelloKisses]

Just do it!

We are similar, I’ve bever engaged in conversation about it.

[BertrandRussell]

And your dp will get loads of comments about what a saint he is! Just smile and let it wash over you.

[NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking]

I’d love to do this... problem is I don’t earn more than my DP, but I know he’d be a much better primary career than me...

If only I earn more!

Sod everyone else OP, fo what works for your family and don’t even offer up an explanation to those who disagree.

[Slanetylor]

Well people make all kinds of arrangements when they have children. And of course if your salary is triple that if your husbands, there’s no choice. Just tell your mIL that? You earn 3 times his salary. I’m sure people are well aware you have a great job so it won’t be a surprise to them.
What may be a surprise to you, and start being prepared. EVERYONE will find something to judge you on how you parent. You won’t breastfeed long enough, you don’t do attachment parenting? Shame. You DO do attachment parenting? Shame. Etc etc it’s endless. So it’s best to start practicing not caring what people think.

[spugzbunny]

Don't ever feel guilty! You are making a secure financial future for your child and showing them that women can and are in successful careers.

I'll be going back 4 days a week as I'm also the main breadwinner. Part of me wants to be a SAHM but I also love my career. You are actually doing more for your child than we are as neither of us can afford to stay at home so my baby will be in childcare 4 days a week from 1. It doesn't make her any less loved.

[Stephisaur]

I'm planning on going back to work FT after 6 months.

I have never even considered doing anything different. I enjoy my job and know I would go mad being home all day.

Your child will still have a parent staying home to look after them. Your Husband is just as capable as you as looking after your child. I think it sounds like a good solution for your family :)

[NeatFreakMama]

Pff I just don't listen, say something like 'isn't it great how people are different'.

What I would say from experience is that even though the decision was right for me and our family I did still feel guilty myself going back. So these comments might hit you more than you think once your baby has arrived and you're in love with him/ her :) I think I still made the right decision but just a heads up anyway. I'm a much better mum when I work because I'm like you, very driven and I love the busyness of it all.

[katmarie]

Ive just gone back to work FT, my dh is staying home with our 6mo. It works for us, and if anyone questions it, that's what I tell them. It's better for my son to have a happy mum and a roof over his head, and I'm a strong believer that a successful team allows everyone to play to their strengths, and a family is a team at the end of the day.

There are as many approaches to parenting as there are families, do what's right for you and your family and ignore the critics.

[Racecardriver]

Well you are the main earner so if course you are going to be the one that goes back to work. Just tilt your head each time and say 'but the baby will have a SAHP-why would she need two?'

[holidaycountdown54321]

I don't really see what business it is of anyone else? You are taking 9 months off, I know plenty of people who were back ft after 6 months and one just 3 months (couldn't afford any longer off). Most of the people I know who have gone back ft use nurseries, at least you'll have your husband looking after the baby.

[twiglet]

Not many people know my salary is higher than my DH including MIL (my FIL knows). Close friends and my parents know but many family members including my brother and SIL don't. I don't want them to know either, the reason for this is that we know we will get asked for money/guilt tripped into lending money. I am happy to help family members who are in a tight spot but we fell into an endless cycle of this before I changed jobs and my DH had some shares (from a relative set up when he was a baby) that he could access which my MIL knew as she used to be in charge of the paperwork.

[Helspopje]

Fair play to you - your choice!
Be aware though that you might feel differently when the time comes

I went back ft at 6m with my first. Teething and sleep regressions nearly killed me and consequent less than my usual level of work performance did untold damage toy career.

Took 15m off then pt for no 2 and 3

[IrregularCommentary]

Oh, God. Don't engage. We both work ft and dd has been in full time nursery since she was 11months. She loves it there, and we'd have changed things if she didn't.

I used to get so pissed off with all the faux concern head tilty comments about it though. Every single one directed at me and not dh.

You just need a stock answer that doesn't invite conversation.

[BunsOfAnarchy]

Just do it.

Who gives a fck what anyone else thinks?

I will say, however, you are revealing too much too early to mil. You're only in 1st trimester. Stop telling people your plans. And enjoy the pregnancy x

[KC225]

Congratulations. It seems like a plan that you are your DH as both happy with. I think this is one of those 'I know you mean well but it none of your business', now I know you can't say that without upsetting people so perhaps refrain from telling people your plans, a simple - we've been discussing it but just concentrating on the baby arriving or maybe a we haven't even got a name yet. Obviously, more tricky with work as you do have to have these discussions but I am assuming you have already discussed it with management can you not be a little more vague with colleagues. Everyone's a critic OP. Your baby though.

Good luck

[twiglet]

Thanks everyone I really thought I would get horrid responses.
racecardriver that's a great idea thanks!

[snowy1982]

I will be going back after 4 months, will be phasing it in to begin with but will be FT by 6 months, DH will also be FT, what sort of comments are we going to get

My response to other people would be to tell them, as nicely as possible, that it isn’t any of their business. You have made the best decision for your family and that’s what matters, not what anyone else thinks of it

[Osirus]

Sounds like a lovely plan.

But

When the baby is here, you’ll experience emotions you never knew you had. I used to cry at the thought of going back and I loved my job too. I only went back too very short days in the end.

[ichifanny]

It will be fine you are getting 9 months with your baby so not missing out on the early months as such , I’d find it hard going back too early such as one or two months down the line . As long as you have a nice sensible caring partner who does equal on the house and you both respect each other it will work great I’m sure .

[Osirus]

Two, not too!!

[Matutinal]

I'm aware that I may get crucified for this

Why would you 'get crucified'? Don't you know lots of other women who went back to work f/t after having a child? Or is it the fact that your DH is going to be a SAHP that you think is going to attract ire?

There are SAHMs of children in my son's class at school, but as regards my large and scattered friendship group in Ireland, the UK, the US, Brazil, Iceland, France, Germany, Italy, Switzerland, SA, the ME, Australia I do not know a single SAHM.

It never occurred to me to stay at home after I had my son -- having a child didn't change the fact that my career is hugely important for me, and become even more so when I was co-providing for a child. In fact, I think it's fair to say that the majority of people I know became more ambitious rather than less, after having a child.

If people are commenting, then I'd suggest you are hanging about with the wrong people.

[allthgoodusernamesaretaken]

Smile, nod and don't engage

[twosecs]

I did this, it's better to keep it breezy, "ah well, it just works for us" - people tend to get defensive and think you're judging them for NOT going back full-time if you try to justify it too much.

Or, when someone's being a real dick, I point out that no-one ever questions whether my DH would go PT...

I love being FT, it gives me a better balance because I'm not working late nights (and unpaid overtime!) trying to get everything done. DD is v happy in nursery, my mum helped one day a week at first because she was worried about DD being in nursery so much, but now she realises that actually DD ADORES nursery, so has stepped back from that too.

Do you get on with MIL otherwise? Maybe suggest if she's SO concerned, she helps out with the childcare a couple of days a month? haha!

[Phillipa12]

My mum was full time and my dad part time to fit in with all of us 4dc, that was in the 80s, myself and my siblings are perfectly well rounded individuals! My sister also has the same arrangement with her dh, she earns more so it made sense. He got along fabulously at the toddler groups and its not harmed their dc either.

[twiglet]

My line manager is fully supportive and offered to set up wfh a few days a week if I wanted for when I go back.
It was my DH who told MIL the plan because he really is excited about it! But yes definitely need to keep it more private unfortunately with her we can't put the cat back in the bag!