My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To one day tell DD she was a mistake?

393 replies

TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 12:55

Ok obviously not in those words. I have 4 DC but it was my choice to have 3. Number 4 was a contraception failure and I was completely unaware I was pregnant until nearly halfway through the pregnancy.

Our 6 month old baby is a delightful, lovely baby who is every bit as loved as my other children. However, there is no doubt having too many children has had an enormous impact on our family, my career and not in a good way.

I don’t ever want DD4 to feel unwanted but neither do I want her to grow up and think it’s a good idea to follow in my footsteps. My other children know she was a huge surprise. Any advice on how to deal with this in the future in a sensitive way?

OP posts:
Report
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 18/07/2018 12:57

To put it bluntly, no, never do this! Not matter how you word it it will always sound like having her was a mistake and has held back your lifestyle. Do not do this to her please.

Report
PositiveVibez · 18/07/2018 12:57

Well as she is six months old, I don't think you need worry yourself about this yet Confused

Report
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2018 12:57

Why on earth would you tell her that? Flipping awful thing to say. My Mum said similar to me about 20 years ago and I can still remember hoe much it hurt.

If you don't want her to follow in your footsteps, educate her about sex and contraception. FFS.

Report
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/07/2018 12:58

*how not hoe!

Report
checkingforballoons · 18/07/2018 12:58

Don’t tell her. Absolutely no good can come of it. Focus on encouraging her in her education, making sure she knows that she has plenty of choices, building up her self esteem and talking to her about contraception when she gets to an appropriate age.

Report
BrownTurkey · 18/07/2018 12:58

Just tell her you were so lucky to have her and you wouldn't change it.

Report
Passmethecrisps · 18/07/2018 12:59

You deal with it by loving her unconditionally and never mentioning how she was conceived. At very most she was your surprise. Please don’t saddle her with guilt about how she turned your lives upside down. What on Earth makes you think she would “follow in your footsteps?”

Report
hazell42 · 18/07/2018 12:59

Really? Would you want to know you were a mistake who caused distress to your family?
Should the subject ever come up, which i doubt, she was a wonderful surprise. What more do you need to say

Report
Spudlet · 18/07/2018 12:59

Do not tell her this. Ever. Ever!

A lovely surprise perhaps, but a mistake? How would that make you feel to be told that at any age? Because I'd be gutted, and I'm 35!

Report
Fitzsimmons · 18/07/2018 13:00

My parents always tell me that I was an accident but in no way a mistake. It's bad enough to know that I wasn't what they had planned, can't imagine how it would feel if they told me they regretted having me as well.

Report
TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 13:00

If you don't want her to follow in your footsteps, educate her about sex and contraception. FFS

Well that didn’t work for me. Ok I won’t tell her but what do I do if other kids tell her one day she was a surprise? Is it really a good idea to tell her I planned four kids?!

OP posts:
Report
TeasndToast · 18/07/2018 13:00

I wasn’t planning on saying I regretted her!!!!

OP posts:
Report
Mxyzptlk · 18/07/2018 13:00

She may ask, my DD did.
You can tell her she was a lovely surprise without going into detail about the difficulties for you.

Report
ThomasHardyPerennial · 18/07/2018 13:01

A mistake? Fucking hell, you will make her feel like utter worthless shit.

Report
NameChangeUni · 18/07/2018 13:01

Why do you think it’s somet that she ‘needs to know’? What good do you think will actually come from this? Why do this is something that she in particular needs to learn? All it will do is create resentment of her siblings and give her a massive mental complex.

Surely if she’s that much of a burden you should have had an abortion? There’s no need to be nasty to her just because she wasn’t planned.

Report
Soubriquet · 18/07/2018 13:01

Why on earth would you do this?

My parents told me I was a mistake and they only got married because I was on the way.

Mum was 18, dad was 20, married in August, I was born in December.

She told me she didn't have a termination as she had had one at 16 so didn't want another. Hmm

Felt a bit hurt to be honest with you no matter how "nicely" they said it

Report
Notquiteagandt · 18/07/2018 13:01

I would say alot of children are unplanned no? But why on earth would you tell them? What possoble benefit could it bring?

Report
thecatsthecats · 18/07/2018 13:01

If you want to pass on the message with a nice white lie, then how about telling her that you thought about having a fifth, but wanted to put her and the others first because you love them so much?

Report
MynameisJune · 18/07/2018 13:01

Why the actual fuck would you want to tell your daughter she was a mistake?

Seriously, never, ever tell her that. Tell her that you found 4 children challenging, but tell her everyone is different. She might breeze through parenthood and want 6 kids. She might decide she doesn’t want any children. That’s up to her, not you.

Ffs unless you want a low/no contact daughter keep your feelings to yourself.

Report
Spudlet · 18/07/2018 13:01

'You were the most wonderful surprise, and we wouldn't be without you.'

Report
Cliveybaby · 18/07/2018 13:02

No I think that's terrible sorry!
If you really don't want her to follow in your footsteps maybe frame it as "we wanted 4 but it was harder work than we thought"?

Report
Mousefunky · 18/07/2018 13:02

My DM never worded it in such a manner but I am well aware I was a mistake in the same way your DD was (contraception failure and didn’t find out until she was 20 weeks due to periods continuing). I can’t say it has ever filled me with the joys of spring knowing full well had she found out sooner, I probably wouldn’t be alive.

I have four DC and out of the four, only DC3 wasn’t planned. I know that sounds odd but I already had two under two at the time and was on the pill, I didn’t expect a third to happen so soon and was pretty devastated. However I wouldn’t dream of informing her she was unplanned and that I considered terminating. I do, however, tell my DC to put off having children as long as possible as it’s hard bloody work Grin.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

AprilShowers16 · 18/07/2018 13:02

I think I would just keep it simple and say that she was a surprise but a wonderful one or one that turned out to be wonderful or something unambiguously positive like that. I don’t think you should bring your negative thoughts about the affect on your lifestyle etc as that can’t be helped now and you just risk making her feel unwanted.

With regards to not wanting her to follow in your footsteps you have no idea what her future will be like, what she’ll want or what position she’ll be in fincially. Hopefully if you have a good relationship with her you’ll be in a position to advise and support her but I would do that without negative reference to her impact on your family.

I’ve not been in this position though so sometime who has or was a surprise themselves might offer a better insight

Report
fairypuff · 18/07/2018 13:02

I was a "happy accident" and have never ever felt anything less than unconditional love. We joke about it and I don't feel any different to my 2 "planned" siblings.

Report
GemmaB78 · 18/07/2018 13:02

Surprise is fine; mistake absolutely not. My DS was definitely a surprise but never, never a mistake.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.