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AIBU?

Help me say no to £12,000

213 replies

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:47

I need to compose an email saying no to £12,000 from my mother.

My mother has 'lent' my golden child sibling and his wife this amount to put a deposit down on a house. They have to pay it back within two years (apparently) and then she will offer it up to myself and my fiancé. We earn good money (I think anyway) but we live in London, so even though we're saving, it will take literally years to get our deposit together.

Backstory is, my mum is horrible to me. She has excluded me from holidays and family events for not behaving as she wished me to (not anything I can even out my finger on, she'd just do it) dolled out endless criticism and no praise, practically ignored me when I was anorexic and left me to sort myself out, and has just generally been awful unless I toe her imaginary and ever changing line.

Gradually though, it's got much better because she doesn't have much control over me. I've accepted she'll never be the mum I want so I've given up lapping every crumb she throws my way, I don't need her money as I have my own, and haven't lived at home for ten years. I'm still sad deep down inside but I've generally been pretty happy to get on with my life with her at a distance.

She has sent an email to me today asking me to provide a payment plan and evidence of our earnings should we go ahead and 'accept' her offer of this money. And it WOULD make a huge difference, as we'd stop renting and be ready to buy in possibly 2/3 years rather than 4/5. Also we are 33 so would probably like to get on with trying for a baby in a couple of years.

Anyway since then I've felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. Knotted stomach, dry mouth and sweaty palms....and that's l think because of the way she's dangling something over me again to exert some control. If I don't behave in the way she wants me to she'll use it against me or withdraw it completely, at a crucial stage, or threaten to, I know she will. It's our wedding next year and i don't even want her anywhere near me while getting ready or on the top table as she will make me feel meek and shy and shit basically.

So AIBU to respectfully decline? She had requested a response by email I just don't know what to say...I know she'll rage and say I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face...and am I?!!! How to word it without starting WW3??

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 17/07/2018 18:50

Tell her that as the money won't be available for another 2 years it would seem more sensible to wait and discuss it then.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 17/07/2018 18:51

But I'm worried that will make her think we do want the money so she'll be 'allowed' to behave in a certain way towards me

OP posts:
SpandexTutu · 17/07/2018 18:51

Which is more important to you - the house or being free of your mum?

ichifanny · 17/07/2018 18:51

Bugger trying to pay back 12k in 2 years I’d rather just save it myself in that 2 years and not be indebted to anyone .

AtreidesFreeWoman · 17/07/2018 18:54

The fact she's playing her hand now and demanding financial info from you now should tell you all you need to know.

Who knows what your situation might be in 2 years time? So why is it her business to demand a payment plan, your earnings/savings right now?

What if your brother can't pay it back?

I'd simply reply calmly that if the money is available in 2 years you can discuss it then. At this point it's a moot subject and any financial info would of course be outdated.

That said in 2 years I wouldn't take the money either - but if you want a way out for now I'd simply kick the can down the road (and save like crazy).

wowfudge · 17/07/2018 18:54

How about, "Thank you for the lovely offer. It's really very generous of you. We would prefer it if you were to spend your hard-earned (or whatever you want to describe it as that's appropriate) money on yourself - treat yourself to something substantial or use it for your own future. We already have savings and a plan in place regarding our own finances and are happy to continue with it.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2018 18:54

Would you ever consider not contacting your Mum anymore? She doesn't sound good for you to be around and the amount of shit you'd have to put up with isn't worth it for 12 grand. Have some pride and walk away from her rubbish.

Yellowcrocodile · 17/07/2018 18:55

She snot giving it to you. It’s a loan with a heavy emotional charge.

Say no and save the money a different way. Could you cut out takeaways/coffee? Also - don’t wait to have a baby if you want one, you can always sort your finances out later Smile

toolonglurking · 17/07/2018 18:55

It does sound like accepting the money would be a dreadful idea, and you sound really strong and independent, so I think you should definitely turn down her "generous" offer, but you will need to word it very carefully.
I'd probably go along the lines of thanking her for the offer, but you've discussed with your DH and have agreed that although she is very kind to offer you the money you'd like to politely decline.
I'm not sure I'd even put any more explanation than that, keep it short, simple and polite.

SparklyLeprechaun · 17/07/2018 18:55

Thanks mum, that's really kind of you, but we are quite happy saving for this ourselves. It's such a long way away that it's not worth discussing it now anyway.

Souledout · 17/07/2018 18:56

Thanks but no thanks.

Yellowcrocodile · 17/07/2018 18:56

Also, if it causes ww3 at least you don’t have to have her at your wedding

LivesToTravel · 17/07/2018 18:56

Don’t respond at all. She has asked for the information if you were to accept so don’t respond until she asks why just say there is no need to give her the info as you will not be borrowing the money but thank you for the offer anyway

Somerville · 17/07/2018 18:57

It is a control mechanism; the money may never materialise, but the control definitely will.

I think your instincts are right on this one.

mimibunz · 17/07/2018 18:57

Definitely decline. That panic you feel is from being tied to someone who would hold it over you and have first hand knowledge of your finances. Heaven forbid you go on holiday before paying her back.

RandomMess · 17/07/2018 18:57

I would just reply something like "never a borrower or lender be; but thank you for your kind offer"

Run for the hills she will make your life hell!

Whatififall · 17/07/2018 18:57

Regardless of how your mother treats you - if you are expected to pay the £12k back in 2 years and have a payment plan to show that then you can save £12k in 2 years. If you have the money to pay back then you have the money to save. Can you word that better and reply to her along those lines? We appreciate the offer but we want to be independent...

pfttt · 17/07/2018 18:58

The housing market is about to crash so I wouldn't bother taking her money.

The downside is the economy is crashing too.

BewareOfDragons · 17/07/2018 18:58

Just tell her that while her while you appreciate her offer to loan you money unsolicited, you're going to have to decline. Don't engage further. You don't actually owe her an explanation. Really. You don't.

itbemay · 17/07/2018 18:59

Don’t accept it. Just say thanks but no thanks. It’s not worth the emotional fall out

hurrythefuckupgeorge · 17/07/2018 18:59

This sounds so stressful! If it was me I would reply and says thanks for the generous offer but having spoken to DP you have both agreed that you are unable to accept. Thank you again bla bla bla. Keep it brief.

Depending on how much she knows about your finances you could add that you either have almost saved up enough so it us unnecessary or that you are putting house hunting on hold for an extra few years to allow the market to play out so a deposit is not necessary.

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/07/2018 19:00

Try not to worry about starting WW3. That's what she is trying to control you with, the threats of her unreasonable behaviour if you don't do what she wants.

Taking this money really would be like selling your soul to the devil. Borrowing money from family is always fraught with difficulties but this has obvious issues up front. You would have to share your financial information, you would have to be beholden to her, and she would always be able to use it as a weapon against you.

Reply, thanking her for her kind offer, but it's not something you want to take up. Don't give any reasons, or apologise. Repeat with similar, again not apologising, if she tries to insist or repeats the offer. If she gets angry then just reply that you're sorry she feels that way, but you're not going to discuss it further.

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PanPanPanPing · 17/07/2018 19:00

wow's response sounds really good.

Your mum is just trying to reel you in again. Don't fall for it.

Theknacktoflying · 17/07/2018 19:00

thank you but no.
You don’t owe her any explanation or have to get into it.
Just No.

Mrsharrison · 17/07/2018 19:01

"Hi mum,
That's really kind of you but Daddy Warbucks and I have got it covered. Thanks again for the offer."

If she kicks off tell her your DP doesn't want to borrow money and you have to respect his wishes.

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