To think it’s NOT OK to just turn up?!

[MakingABoobOfIt]

Name changed for this...

We are on holiday for the week, and last night I received a text from MIL saying they have been to our house to drop off a birthday present for my DS however we weren’t in, are we away? I feel like there are several AIBU’s here (why not ring before they set off for the TWO HOUR drive to our house being one of them), but AIBU to think you don’t just turn up to someone’s house and expect to be welcomed?!

The time they arrived would have been right over DS’s teatime/bath/bedtime so not ideal, plus we would have had no meal in for them. There is backstory to this, but suffice it to say they are NOT my favourite people and we do not have the easiest relationship, so it wouldn’t exactly have been a lovely evening . Plus, DH is now left feeling guilty that we weren’t there, which he knows is silly but they are masters at the guilt trip. How can I tell them politely that they are not welcome to turn up when they like?

[Returnofthesmileybar]

Well now you have the perfect opportunity

"We are away. We had no idea you were calling, please do call us before you leave next time in case we are out or have plans so you don't have a wasted journey. See you soon, let us know when x "

[Nicknacky]

Maybe they were in the area? I couldn’t get this worked up over a parent popping in.

It’s their own time they wasted if the made a special trip.

[MakingABoobOfIt]

@Nicknacky nope, not in the area, made a special trip. Surely that is not normal behaviour to presume you can just rock up at someone’s house? We are not particularly close to them, so we don’t have the kind of relationship where it might have been ok. Also, I realise it’s their own time they’ve wasted, but we are now getting the guilt trip - along the lines of ‘we didn’t know you were going away’ etc (this is because they NEVER ring us, so the only contact is when DH calls them every few weeks).

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Having grown up before mobile phones and before every household had a phone, I find it hard to adjust to this new world where you have to text for permission before knocking on someone's door.

You don't knock in expectation of being welcomed - if you're handing over a gift, for example, you expect to pass it over on the doorstep and depart. Anything else is a bonus.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Maybe they thought you wouldn't want them coming? Maybe they wanted to make sure their GC got his present?

Who knows.

[Notafootiefan2018]

No YANBU, I hate it too when people just turn up at my door! It's always my in laws that do it, sometimes my FIL peeks through the front window into our living room before ringing the bell!
Whenever FIL or SIL do this I generally carry on with what I was doing, helping dd with homework, housework etc. I refuse to sit down or offer a cup of tea. My DH can do that if he wants, but I hate having my time interrupted. It's worth mentioning too that I see my FIL twice every weekday as school is on his road, and my DH and DD visit him every weekend, as well as DH spending every Saturday afternoon with him. My SIL has got the message now I think as I used to say I was in my way out whenever she turned up.
So basically, if someone lands on your doorstep unannounced, and you don't want them there, be unwelcoming! I know it sounds rude, but it's also rude to expect others to drop everything to deal with them 😂

[MakingABoobOfIt]

@MereDintofPandiculation unfortunately they would definitely have expected to stay - having driven two hours they’re not just going to push off after handing over the gift!

[Nicknacky]

There is nothing abnormal about chapping on your sons door. It is ok to do that.

I think your backstory is making you completely over react.

[Nicknacky]

not I’m surprised they want to visit when they are treated so badly by you. Honestly, why can’t you just make a cup of tea and have a chat with them?

[PeckhamPauline]

Having grown up before mobile phones and before every household had a phone, I find it hard to adjust to this new world where you have to text for permission before knocking on someone's door.

Ah, that long-lost world, where it was a measure of a good housewife that her home was in pristine condition and ready to accept surprise guests at any time, including freshly-made coffee cake.

[rosesandflowers1]

I hate it when people turn up unannounced. It's not difficult to text/call and arrange! If someone "pops in" I usually end up politely ushering them out the door at the first window. I can't stand it. YANBU.

But now you've got the perfect opportunity to cement this! "Sorry, we're away - in future if you call/text we can sort out a date that works for both of us! Hopefully see you soon xx"

[Nicknacky]

peckham Who said anything about pristine houses and cake?

I just find it really sad that families can’t pop round without getting bitched about online.

[MakingABoobOfIt]

@Nicknacky it’s hard not to drip feed, but they have form for guilt tripping etc. In the 10 years me and DH have been together, they have visited us twice, once was when DS was born so it’s not like they are regularly making any effort. We visit them maybe every 3-4 months. So it’s hard not to frame their unannounced visit as anything other than selfish at best, scheming at worst.

[rosesandflowers1]

Ah, that long-lost world, where it was a measure of a good housewife that her home was in pristine condition and ready to accept surprise guests at any time, including freshly-made coffee cake.

I remember five years ago or so my mum turned up randomly Perhaps the reason why I hate uninvited guests so much is because my mother used to do it!

I had just made a carrot cake and there were walnuts all over the top. I disappeared for something or other and my mother (who is allergic to nuts) had cut herself an enormous slice!

I asked her why on Earth she had eaten it later on once she was okay (they were literally giant whole walnuts on the top of the cake) - "you shouldn't make cakes for guests that they're allergic to, it's bad hospitality, you could have killed me!"

It still annoys me to this day.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

You sound a bit of a nightmare OP.
You aren't even there.

I wonder why there's no love lost between you and PILs? Go on tell me that it's all their fault

[Mookatron]

Travelling for 2 hours isn't popping round though is it.

[TellsEveryoneRealFacts]

I just find it really sad that families can’t pop round without getting bitched about online

Is a 4 hour round trip 'popping round'?

[PonderLand]

We live two hours away from dp family. I would find it so weird if they just drove here without warning. What a waste of time for them! We usually take it in turns to go to each others houses and we always ring to arrange it a week or so in advance, plus texting on the morning to say we've set off etc. I can't imagine just getting in the car and going without speaking to them. Yanbu, it's odd.

[youknowwherethecityis]

I would be more than happy for my DPs or ILs to turn up unannounced any time they wanted.

But if you don't have a relationship that's close enough for them to know you're going on holiday I think it is a bit weird.

[Fatted]

I can't be doing with people turning up unexpectedly. Even people I get along with. What if I just want to chill out at home in my pants all day without being bothered?! I don't then want to have to get dressed to speak to someone I wasn't expecting.

I too grew up in an age pre mobile phones and was still brought up that it was polite to ring ahead to see if it was acceptable to attend (and also to avoid a wasted journey!). Even my mum who refuses to have a mobile will ring ahead because she understands I am a grown up with my own life and am not just sat at home waiting for her to drop in.

The in laws did it to us a few times when we moved in down the road from us. First time they rocked up in the middle of us having dinner. We did welcome them in. Second time, we were out at the pub. They took the hint then and always rang ahead since!

[MakingABoobOfIt]

@GreatDuckCookery I could write you an essay on everything that has gone on, but DH has never had a good relationship with them, which has been the case well before I was on the scene. So nope, pretty much nothing to do with me. I would be more than happy to have them to stay any time they want, I just expect to be given some notice.

[Nicknacky]

But it’s their own time they wasted so who cares if it is “popping” round or not?

Sounds like they are dammed if the do, dammed if they don’t. If they have only visited twice in years then maybe they are trying to rectify it and didn’t realise it was a mumsnet sin not to text in advance.

[TheVanguardSix]

Ah, that long-lost world, where it was a measure of a good housewife that her home was in pristine condition and ready to accept surprise guests at any time, including freshly-made coffee cake.

This.

One of my greatest pet peeves is people 'showing up'.

However, in your case, I mean, this IS your DH's mum and your child's grandparent. But your relationship must be fraught with turmoil, given your reaction to a very close family member. She's not just anyone popping in. Also, why doesn't she know you're away? I'd expect your DH to have had the 'Yes, well we're off to Timbuktu for the last week of July, then Wales in August,' conversation with his own mum, especially with a birthday on the calendar!

[MakingABoobOfIt]

@Nicknacky lol nope, the exact opposite - we are damned either way, if we are home they get to impose on us and tick their ‘good parent’ box for the year, if we are out they get to do the guilt trip and emotional blackmail that they made all the effort and we weren’t home

[Nicknacky]

I think it’s sad your h can’t have his parents visit even with advance warning without you considering it imposing and ticking boxes.