MIL staying over

[MrsSiba]

Just looking for alternative views on this situation as no-one to talk to in RL.

Baby 2 due and MIL will look after DD1 while l am in hospital. Going in at 9am so i thought we could pick up MIL in morning. DH wants her to stay overnight at ours so she is here in the morning to save travelling in rush hour to get her and because she is weird with early appointments. ....she tends to stay up all night and is then shattered the next day. Her timekeeping is shocking. She lives 20 min drive away.

Now he wants DD1 to sleep with MIL in case she ever needs to overnight with her in future. DD1 has never stayed overnight with her mainly because there's never been any need. Plus MIL is v deaf and once asleep wakes for no-one. I don't see the need for this.

What is pissing me off is I don't really want her here the night before the baby. She is loud, talks constantly about people i don't know/her views /what she ate for breakfast /commentary about what she is doing next and has an annoying way of directing the convo to her son. I feel left out esp when they disappear outside for a smoke. I am nervous as it is and will not be able to relax with her here.

DH is presenting all of this to me as a fait accompli.he knows I don't like it but that I can't say anything. We have already fallen out once about it and I don't want anymore fallout before baby comes.

Also i said I wanted first visit just to be him and DD so she could meet and bond and his mum could come later. He blew his top but has since agreed with me. I really didn't want her there first being loud and hogging Baby as I knew she would.

AIBU about them sleeping together? MIL is a smoker but night wear wouldn't smell. I don't know why they should. I don't envisage any overnight stays. I know a lot if this is because i can only tolerate her in small doses. I appreciate she is doing us a favour but it feels like he wants her to be more a part of our lives and I don't. I am quite private and she is a massive gossip. Plus it's always all about her. She is on her own and we do weekly visits. That's more than enough for me.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you still are. Maybe I just need to vent .

[Poptart4]

Yabu, shes doing you a favor by minding your child while your giving birth. She doesn't have to help you out, you know. I dont think its unreasonable to let her sleep over the night before. It will save alot of rushing around before you have to go to the hospital. From the sounds of it you wouldnt have to spend much time with her anyway because you'll be off to the hospital first thing.

Yanbu about wanting just your dh & dd to visit you alone straight after the birth. Its a special family moment for the 4 of you.

[MrsSiba]

Thanks poptart. I do see that but it's having her here overnight. Never done that before and am hoping I can try to get an early night rather than have to stay up being polite.

[Mamawingingit1234]

Ah no I’d also hate that. I loved having our last night together as a family of 3 and preparing mentally for our new baby.
Also if he drives to get her it will give you a bit of alone time with DD.
I’d also 100% hate the thought of DD sleeping in a bed with MIL or even my DM.

Remember to be clear about visits. It’s you that’s carried the baby and done all that hard work bring it into the world.

[Bambamber]

You don't need to stay up to be polite. It's the night before you give birth to your baby. You go to bed as early as you like and when you go to bed just say 'off to bed, please keep the noise down as It's going to be a long day tomorrow' and leave it at that

[spudlet7]

Normally I'd say compromise, I think your DH needs to respect your (perfectly reasonable) wishes on the evening before you give birth!

[MrsSiba]

Yes I think that's it, I wanted our last night to be together talking about Baby. Dd is really excited, she can't wait! Am not sure what time he wants to pick her up, really hope he is not inviting her for dinner. I'd have to say no and then there will be a row. Plus no way dd is going to go to sleep if nanny is here and how will that work if they want them in the same bed? !

Visits wise, I hope MIL does get to come to hospital before I am discharged. It will be restricted to visiting time then and it will be easier to get DH to drop her to her house so she isn't here when we bring baby home. I couldn't have her elbowing her way in wanting to hold baby.

This is stressing me out! I'll def have an early night even if I am not tired.

[BertrandRussell]

Could your dd stay at her house then she wouldn’t need to come to yours at all?

[bitmynailbrokemytooth]

Are you having an induction or a planned C-section OP ? How do you know when you will be having the baby , or did I miss that in the original post.

YANBU for not wanting mil there the night before. I wouldn't. Could DD be dropped off at Mil's house on way to hospital ?

[Nanny0gg]

Is she your only option for childcare?

I understand some of your reservations but you do sound ungrateful.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I think logistically it sounds wise to have MIL at your house the night before, even if you really don’t like her being around. Stress and problem on the morning of your admittance would be very stressful. Pretty rude to rely on her for childcare while you’re in hospital but not provide her with dinner. You shouldn’t stay up to be polite though!

I don’t really understand about the sleeping together. Do you mean sharing a bed? I would probably want to make arrangements so they didn’t have to share a bed - an air mattress or something.

If you can afford it, perhaps an alternative would be to have MiL come the night before, provide a special dinner for her and DD, but you and DH go off and stay in a hotel near the hospital for the night. Somewhere that will be cost and nice and can be just the two of you?

To be honest, much as you clearly feel stressed by your MiL, unless her treatment of you is intentionally mean in a way you haven’t described here, I think you’re coming across as really ungrateful for her looking after your DD1 so Your DH can be with you for DD2.

[MrsSiba]

I def don't want her to stay at MIL overnight. She can get up and wander at night and it would be her first time overnight. Plus MIL smokes in her house.

MIL lives in opposite direction to hospital so I asked for MIL to come to look after her at ours. If I end up staying overnight would prefer DD to be at our house where everything is familiar.

I probably am being ungrateful. She is our only option for childcare. I just don't want her hijacking this special time with her general attitude. She likes to dominate conversations and i feel invisible.

This will be my last pregnancy.



I'm having an induction hence planned time to go in.

[MrsSiba]

Yes DH wants them to share a bed! There is no need . DH has her own bed and we have a spare double bed in DDs room which we have hung onto for this reason do MIL would have somewhere to sleep.

Would it really be so rude if I wanted the three of us -me, DH and DD - to eat together and then pick MIL up after dinner? Hopefully DD would drop off in the car on the way back so we can get her to sleep at a decent time. MIL would have her the whole of the next day so see plenty of her.

[crimsonlake]

I think you are overthinking every detail, but it is understandable in your condition. However your mil is doing you a favour and you have to remember that and try to be more accommodating. Let her have dinner with you and be welcoming, then have an early night. Your dh is having too much say over your dd sleeping arrangements, I would put my foot down over that. Good luck.

[BertrandRussell]

“Would it really be so rude if I wanted the three of us -me, DH and DD - to eat together and then pick MIL up after dinner? ”

I think i’d be a bit pissed off if someone did this to me, to be honest. “Come and stay over and babysit but have your dinner at home first”

And wouldn’t it be better for your dd to be settled with grandmathere before she goes to bed?

[fruitpastille]

I think you should host your mil with good grace the evening/night before including an evening meal. You are possibly over romanticising this 'special moment' a teeny bit? Most people don't know the exact date they will go in and probably spend their last evening moaning about heartburn or whatever

However the bed sharing thing is weird! If you have a spare bed I would expect mil to use it.

[Inertia]

I’d hate to share a bed with a smoker, certainly wouldn’t impose that on a child! Why on earth would they need to share anyway, given that there’s a spare bed?

Logistically speaking, it probably is easier if she stays the night before. Could you and DH have an early night, and just spend some time together in your bedroom?

[GreenTulips]

I think you need to disengage abit.

Let DH pick her up and he can sort tea whilst you have a long soak in the bath - then you and DD can have a bath thencan cuddle up and have a long story while she drifts off in her own bed.

Then go faff do you hair and check your bag ....get engrossed in so TV crap and forget to go back downstairs.

You can chat to DH when he comes up to bed.

Job done

[MrsSiba]

Thanks for all your replies. I needed an objective view. I can try to be more accommodating as she is doing us a huge favour, I get that. If I am honest, I am not that keen on her. We are different types of people but can rub along and do . It's more my DH deciding things without even asking me.

I'll speak to DH tomorrow re sleeping arrangements.

DD won't settle if MIL is here. She will be too excited. But I'm prepared to just leave her to fall asleep, downstairs if necessary, as she will be shattered from nursery.

[FASH84]

You are being quite rude, she's doing you a favour. Invite her over, all have dinner together, when you put DD to bed, say you're having an early night too in preparation for the next day. Or don't accept her offer and pay for alternative childcare.

[MrsSiba]

fruitpastille that made me laugh. I will most likely be moaning about my swollen everything! ☺

[SandAndSea]

I can relate to a lot of what you've written as certain members of my DP's family can talk through anything with no sense of appropriateness whatsoever. That said, I do think that, since you've asked your mil to babysit, you should treat her with grace and kindness whilst she's with you. Maybe you could have a special lunch out, just the 3 of you and then a more everyday dinner for 4 in the evening? Perhaps you could let her know in advance a bit about what you're planning too? (I think if I was looking after your DD and she was going to the hospital, I might assume that I was coming too??)

Re. the sleeping together thing - bit weird. If there are 2 beds in your DD's room anyway, why can't they have a bed each? I wonder what your DH is thinking there.

[Shumpalumpa]

I feel left out esp when they disappear outside for a smoke.

Do they actually leave you out or is this an insecurity feeling on your part?

[Fwend]

Logistically, it probably makes sense for her to stay over. Hell no to the bedsharing though, she'll be breathing out chemicals for hours after her last cigarette. There's just no need to expose your child to that unnecessarily.

Just be prepared to be quite emotional the night before you go in - I was with all 3 of mine. I wouldn't have wanted anyone there at all (not my Mum, MIL or anyone else!) while I was wobbly.

[MrsSiba]

We have spoken about what's happening on the day of the induction so she is aware that she will come to visit at visiting time and after dd.

I don't smoke so when they go outside I'm often left on my own.

I don't get the sharing a bed. If dd was to stay with MIL at her house then there is a spare bed there too.

[IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens]

9 months pregnant and hours away from giving birth - I think DH should suck it up and go pick her up in the morning. He can get up a bit earlier or whatever.