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AIBU?

to not understand how I could possibly be perceived as racist?

155 replies

MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 18:51

First mn post but have been an avid reader for a while now.

Me and DP are expecting our first baby. Was at work last week discussing what our child might look like with a colleague. It was a very interesting conversation as I am mixed race (Caucasian and Afro-Caribbean) and DP is white. I have dark Afro hair, green eyes and fairly dark brown skin. DP has dead straight, blonde hair, blue eyes and very pale skin. I find it interesting thinking about what our child may look like (I'm sure the majority of parents to be wonder about this at some point during their pregnancies).

Apparently, a colleague of mine was offended by this conversation. Felt that I was focussing on the race of my child too much and what he/she will look like, and didn't seem at all interested in whether my baby was healthy (this is not the case, of course that is the most important thing to me and I've actually had a very complicated pregnancy, I just don't discuss it with my colleagues). Apparently I was being racist in saying that when a person has a mixture of races they are often interesting looking and it's hard to pin down where their heritage stems from. Now the only comment other than the above that I made about race, was that it's interesting that our child could look white, black, or somewhere in between and that I'm just really curious to know. I thought this was a fairly obvious remark. It was a really brief conversation and didn't really progress from what I've said above. I think I ended it with 'I don't care what my baby looks like as they'll be beautiful to me regardless'.

Now I'm not usually one to confront about things like this as I'm quite thick skinned and am not usually bothered, but I'm not happy with being called racist and would be furious if I was referred to as that again (I feel pretty furious as it is). The person who told me this has asked that I don't say anything, which I never understand - why tell me if I can't respond to it?

AIBU to think I really need to speak to this person face to face as I am so confused as to how I could possibly have offended her? I am no racist and have no idea how to approach her about this. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
RitaMad · 15/07/2018 18:53

She is being ridiculous

NWQM · 15/07/2018 18:53

I think you should speak to her. Get her version and tlak it out. You have to work together after all.

MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 18:55

NWQM definitely agree that I need her version as not entirely convinced that what was said to me was in good faith/accurate. Part of me just can't be bothered but the other part worried that I've been called a racist when I absolutely am not!

OP posts:
Jeffers3 · 15/07/2018 18:55

You are definitely not being unreasonable!
My partner is mixed race and I’m white and this was the thing I most wondered about while I was pregnant. I can think of any way that what you said could be perceived as racist.

TacoFlavouredKisses · 15/07/2018 18:56

She sounds like a virtue signaler who probably doesn't really know why she's offended. I would speak to her (just to hear what nonsense she comes out with, really).

madcatwoman197700 · 15/07/2018 18:57

How on earth were you discriminating? How ridiculous. YANBU.
I think it's almost fashionable to call people 'racist' now, in a bid to make sure they don't look 'rascist' themselves - in an overcompensating sort of way.

I would have to speak to the person involved.

MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 18:57

Taco virtue signaller? Never heard of that but interested to know more. Googling...

OP posts:
TooManyPaws · 15/07/2018 18:58

How different is that from wondering whether your baby will have their granddad's nose or aunt's red hair? Most babies are a mixture of family characteristics; your families' characteristics might be a bit more obvious, that's all. Would it be the mixed race are more interesting looking that they took offence at?

OverTheHedgeHammy · 15/07/2018 18:59

YANBU! If what has been passed onto you is accurate, then what a twat!

One of the things my friend told me (she is black, her children mixed race) which I thought was fascinating, and I'm sure you'd find it interesting, was that all three of her children were born white, and they developed one spot that was darker, which then slowly grew until they were all that colour. It started in a different place on all three children though.

DuchyDuke · 15/07/2018 18:59

She might have been pissed off when you said a mixed race person looks more interesting?

I’m with you though in that I find talking about race interesting. I’m Indian and in my family people all look difference races - one of the big things I’ve noticed with my huge family is if the child is half-white or half-East Asian he/she ALWAYS looks white. If the child is half-black then they tend to look south Indian!

Somerville · 15/07/2018 18:59

I would reply with the definition of racism, and add something like 'how on earth do you get racist from my interest in which of our features/colouring our baby will have?'

MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 18:59

madcat I've never been called racist in my life! It's no wonder people are often scared to talk about race...

OP posts:
Blackness78 · 15/07/2018 19:00

Don't most parents wonder what their children will look like, irrespective of race? Confused

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 15/07/2018 19:00

To me it doesn't sound any different to wondering what colour hair your child will have or what colour eyes - the sort of pondering everybody does. Nothing to do with race.

NameChangeUni · 15/07/2018 19:01

I am white but I have heard from my black and mixed peers about how black people tend to be fetished almost, and people almost want ‘mixed’ babies because they’ll be super cute and fixate on that rather than anything of substance

EG they’d be unhappy if their child is dark skinned with black super tightly curled hair and brown eyes. But if they had a medium skin toned baby with light brown loose curls and green eyes than they’d be like ‘omg😍😍😍😍😍 life complete’

And black people in general can be ‘fetished’ too, eg people going for black men because just because they ‘have massive dicks’ sort of thing

I’m probably explaining this terribly, but again I am white and I am just paraphrasing what I have been told by my friends. I’m sure someone will come along and explain this better.

MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 19:01

Ah but Duchy I never said 'more' interesting. I would never have said this as I just don't believe it to be the case. I have met incredibly interesting looking people from many different races. Hopefully this wasn't how it was perceived...

OP posts:
Notquiteagandt · 15/07/2018 19:02

Surely every mother has these thoughts. What will my child look like etc. But for biracial babies theres a whole lot more options to think about apperance wise.

I can only ashume shes misheard or misunderstood something. Or just batshit crazy....

DuchyDuke · 15/07/2018 19:02

It probably was perceived that way. This is why you need to be careful about talking about this kind of stuff at work - best not to mention it at all.

NameChangeUni · 15/07/2018 19:02

(Not to say that you are racist though!)

Blackness78 · 15/07/2018 19:03

FWIW, it sounds like you & your partner are the same 'comibation' as a family member of mine.

Child was born with gingerish hair and green eyes. Apparently the same colouring as their partner's grandfather 😊

Why shouldn't you ponder? 🤔

donquixotedelamancha · 15/07/2018 19:03

The person who told me this has asked that I don't say anything, which I never understand - why tell me if I can't respond to it?

Who told you? Why would they tell you something like that? Either:

  1. Your colleague really did overtly call you racist. This seems a little unlikely for the reasons you say (are they a nut?) and if so the grassing colleague (GC) should have challenged at the time.


  1. Your colleague said something else, perhaps tactlessly, which has been misconstrued. This is highly possible, but GC is being a shit stirrer by bringing it to you.


  1. GC is deliberately exaggerating what was said to generate friction.


Personally I would assume this story was nonsense and never say anything to GC that I didn't want all over the office. If you really feel that there is enough to this that you have to act then I would have a direct conversation with your colleague, with a member of management to mediate. I would go very gently in the discussion.

What I would not do is engage in any more of the drama GC seems to like, or confront your colleague one to one.
MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 19:03

Name no you've explained it bluntly and very well. As someone who has been described as a 'lightly' and have been fetishised myself I absolutely agree that this type of behaviour exists. It's something I can't stand and would never do.

OP posts:
BlueThesaurusRex · 15/07/2018 19:04

You were not being racist.

If what’s been said to you is true then this person is seriously odd.

People are so quick to scream ‘racism’ for no reason;I know that I worry about physically describing someone of a different ethnic origin because I worry it will be picked up on in a negative way

MissFranklin · 15/07/2018 19:05

Duchy but I think that's damaging. Feeling as though I can't talk about race because I may offend someone with my non-racist conversation? I genuinely believe that this should be her problem and not mine. I don't like the idea of having to sensor what I talk about and feel as though I can't discuss my child's race because the term 'black' or 'mixed race' might offend.

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine2017 · 15/07/2018 19:06

She's bring ridiculous! I saw a girl who was about 6 or 7 in Tesco last week. She had dark skin, afro Caribbean hair, so curly but quite light and light green eyes. She was beautiful and I couldn't help being interested in her parents heritage. That's not racist it's just curiosity.

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