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AIBU?

MIL, breastfeeding and control.

205 replies

flamingox · 14/07/2018 07:27

I'm just under 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and am planning to breastfeed.

I have spoken to my own Mum to mention to family/visitors that because I'm going to be breastfeeding and will be establishing supply etc in the first few weeks for visitors to text to arrange when is best to come and while they're here there could be times when me and baby leave the room for a quick feed - I don't want to be under pressure to master feeding under a cover while I still haven't got the hang of feeding. Obviously this may not be the case but wanted people to be aware before they came.

I mentioned the same to MIL to pass through their family, particularly to SIL who can be quite difficult. She seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...I should strongly consider formula as she bottle fed her babies as did SIL and this allowed family to take baby for the day in the first two weeks (!) to bond.

AIBU to think she is being an absolute nightmare?! Everything I am planning for the baby is not good enough unless her and SIL hAve done it previously. I am wrong to use a co-sleeping crib, wrong to be considering sing and sign classes, wrong to look into baby led weaning, the list is endless and it's really starting to get to me.

OP posts:
HettySunshine · 14/07/2018 07:29

Your mil is being massively unreasonable. Pass her on to your dh. She's not your problem.

Booboobooboo84 · 14/07/2018 07:29

‘That’s nice MIL but I’m going with my plan’. Rinse and repeat to all criticism

wellBeehivedWoman · 14/07/2018 07:30

God, she sounds awful. Your DH needs to tell her to back off pronto. She doesn't have to agree with your choices but she certainly has to respect them!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2018 07:30

She has no boundaries so yours will have to be excellent.

tealandteal · 14/07/2018 07:32

The only person being controlling here is her. Be firm that you will feed your baby however you like. My DS is 11 months old and has a lovely bond with all grandparents without them ever taking him away for the day. No way would I want to be away from my two week old baby, however it was fed.

monkeysox · 14/07/2018 07:34

I bfd, one reason was to keep my dc away from chain smoking ils.
You do what's best for you and your baby.
Ignore them

teaandtwigs · 14/07/2018 07:38

Sounds like she's got very deeply ingrained issues about not being able to feed herself if that's what she thinks. Ignore, ignore and do your own thing

Littlecaf · 14/07/2018 07:38

Bravo on wanting to breastfeed. Your MIL is being U.

However do ‘go with the flow’ when the baby arrives. Breastfeeding can be hard and emotional. Just like being a new mum. You might want some company when you feed. You might want someone else to help you.

Congratulations and enjoy your new arrival when they come!

sexnotgender · 14/07/2018 07:38

She is being incredibly unreasonable.

I’d be making it clear that if she doesn’t respect your decisions then unfortunately her time with the baby will be very limited.

She doesn’t give a shit about your feelings so don’t pander to hers.

BillywilliamV · 14/07/2018 07:38

Dont discuss any of it with her. If she asks, say vaguely " havent decided yet" and refuse to discuss. You are going to have to have a hide like an elephant. as she sounds hideous.
What in God's name, makes any woman thibnk she has this right over her grandchildren?

KirstenRaymonde · 14/07/2018 07:39

Yes she’s a nightmare. She is being completely ridiculous, but you already know this. Set firm boundaries, make sure your DH will back you up (he bloody should) and stay firm. What does DH say?

Rockandrollwithit · 14/07/2018 07:39

Take baby for the day in the first few weeks! YANBU

Clearly her expectations are completely different to what is going to happen. DH needs to speak to her before the baby is born to avoid any upset afterwards.

We had this with ILs. MIL is completely lovely but the culture in her family was that babies almost became collective property - anyone was welcome at any time, overnight stays with aunts/nans from very very young etc. This isn't what we wanted to do. This did cause a bit of upset after having DS1, which was a shame as it's just a different approach to the role of extended family.

twiglet · 14/07/2018 07:40

Breast feeding is natural and has been shown to be best for the baby if it's possible and your choice. I don't believe in judging anyone by the way they decide to feed their baby.
I would respond simply but firmly with we are the parents it's our decision it's not up for discussion

LittleCandle · 14/07/2018 07:40

My MIL was very anti-breastfeeding. Told me it was 'unnatural' Confused. It wasn't because she wanted to take the baby - in fact, I think she barely held the baby - but because she didn't approve. She also didn't approve of the fact that I fed the baby in the living room. Nobody should have had to see that, especially my then DH. I ignored her. Even if I had wanted to bottle feed (I'm far too lazy!) DD was allergic to formula.

You need to set boundaries right now and get your DH on side too. His mother, he can deal with her, but be prepared to say no when needed.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 14/07/2018 07:41

Wtf. She said that?? And what does her son your dh have to say about this?

  1. Stop telling her your plans or your business
  2. Breastfeed your baby if you want to
  3. Make it clear from now that you won't be bullied, her advice isn't needed and your child won't be leaving your side until he is weaned/ Walking/ at uni - whatever suits you.


Maybe a call from dh establishing the above woyld be helpful???
Loopytiles · 14/07/2018 07:42

In my antenatal classes we had a whole class about family and friends’ attitudes to breastfeeding: MILs was one of the views covered.

As a PP says, your - and DH’s - boundaries need to be good. Best discuss this with him now.

You have said what you want arrangements for visitors to be. Continue with the “make a prior arrangement” approach permanently!

Suggest neither of you discuss your parenting choices (sleep, feeding, the list is endless) with the ILs, and disregard any unsolicited opinions and “advice”, and not seeking to justify yourselves.

My parents were a bit like this and I didn’t see it at first, which initially caused conflict with DH. I made some changes, many years on they still interfere at times but I can almost always handle it fine, and if gets tricky DH advises on handling!

Pengggwn · 14/07/2018 07:42

seemed horrified that I was planning to breastfeed and started telling me that breastfeeding is a form of control that allows the mother to keep the baby from family and do whatever she likes without involving anyone...

A mother, doing whatever she likes with her own newborn child? The horror! Wink

DevilsDoorbell · 14/07/2018 07:45

Remind her that she’s had her babies. Sil has had her babies. They both raised their babies in the way that was right for them.

This is your baby. And you will be raising him or her in way that is right for you. If they can’t respect that, they will have very little co tact with you or the baby. Their choice.

You do have the control here, do t let either of them undermine you. Give them literature re breast is best. Let them know that even if bf doesn’t work out for you (it doesn’t for everyone) the baby would not be going anywhere for a day of bonding with anyone else.

This is your chance to set the boundaries now. Do not worry yourself with being seen as polite and nice. You mil hasn’t so why should you.

MessyBun247 · 14/07/2018 07:46

Ugh she needs to fuck off. My exMIL was like this. Fuming that it meant she couldn’t ‘take’ the baby whenever she wanted. It’s all about control for people like that! Do what is right for you and your baby and don’t listen to her. Be very firm.

shakingmyhead1 · 14/07/2018 07:48

take the baby for a day in the first two weeks???
ahhh NO!
tell her to do one,
that you as the mother are in control of the baby and as the mother that you will stay in control of the baby and she has no rights what so ever to the baby or any say in how you the mother plans to feed the baby and if she cant keep her opinions to herself that you, the mother, might feel very very disrespected and exert some of that control and have no visitors at all in the first MONTH ( or 6)

BigPinkBall · 14/07/2018 07:48

Why on earth would you want to give your baby to anyone in the first 2 weeks?!

You’ve carried this baby for 9 months and you’re entitled to keep the baby to yourself for as long as you want, the baby doesn’t need to bond with anyone except his or her parents for at least the first 6 months anyway.

Before the baby comes practice being strong and saying no because once you’ve had the baby you’re going to need to use it a lot with MIL.

BTW breastfeeding is great as is sing and sign and the co sleeping cot, you’re doing what’s best for your baby so don’t let anyone interfere with that!

I remember when DD was born, I was shattered, trying to breastfeed and had only walked in the house from the hospital about 30 minutes earlier when MIL turned up and started demanding photos and I remember staring her down and saying no in a very forceful manner, she also kept “suggesting” I give up breastfeeding and again I kept saying no, I’m not going to do that.

FairfaxAikman · 14/07/2018 07:48

The only person a baby NEEDS to bond with at two weeks is the mother - everything else can come after.
My DS is a wee bit older than two weeks and there's still no way in hell he'd be out of my sight overnight, even if he wasn't breastfed. Heck, I don't even like him being away from me in the daytime unless with DH in the house.

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AlmostAlwyn · 14/07/2018 07:50

How ridiculous. But you have to stand firm and make sure your DH is on side. Let him be the gatekeeper in the early days and save you from the stress of arguing with in laws.

Breastfeeding is such a great journey and a cosleeping crib is a great way to help you get established and to continue breastfeeding! Baby led weaning is also awesome! Stand firm in your decisions. It's your baby!

OhHolyJesus · 14/07/2018 07:52

Your DH needs to sort this. If it was me I would find that I had to cluster feed/sleep/repeat any time they wanted to visit to spite her but I'm sure that would cause longer term problems.

I also wanted privacy and didn't leave my bedroom when ILs visited on Day 5. I met both my niece and nephew in the day they were born but everyone is different and you should always, always stick to your guns and if you give an inch they will take a mile.

user1486915549 · 14/07/2018 07:52

Frankly I would want visitors to text before dropping in , breast feeding or not.
Your MIL needs serious boundaries. Will your DH deal with her ?
And stop sharing all your plans with her. She really does not need to know. It only gives her an opportunity to disagree.
Enjoy your baby x

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