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Mother in law wants to buy next door

(263 Posts)
ezzycozzy Thu 12-Jul-18 16:46:17

My widowed mother in law has repeatedly asked to sell up both houses and live together. (She already lives in the next road to us and her other son lives 1 mile away). I have repeatedly said no in no uncertain terms to her. I have avoided a full on face to face confrontation about it but I have sent a couple of strong worded texts about how it is not an option. At this stage my husband always says he is open to the idea but he will 'talk to me' about it. Anyhow, our elderly next door neighbour has just died and leaves behind a dooer upper of a bungalow. She wants to buy it. Stupid husband wants to do it up. (Basically he sees the plus of having an extra garage and driveway. We also have out buildings with a log burner that we do not have permission for so he is happy to have the easy ride of a non complaining neighbour like his mother). I on the other hand feel like moving out. She would be here all the time Molly coddling him and our kids would constantly choose to be next door at nannies where they can do as they bloody well like!!).......

Seasawride Thu 12-Jul-18 19:40:51

sunshine grin

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 Thu 12-Jul-18 19:42:47

@SoyDora
You can't deny there is MIGHTY MIL hate on MN.

I read it, quite often from the mothers of young sons.
The irony totally goes over their head because they think they'll do it differently.
Because, of course, every mother of a son who turns out to be the MIL from Hell, is injected with an 'I'll be a cunt' strain of humanity, the second she gives birth to the love of their life. wink

RabbitsAreTasty Thu 12-Jul-18 19:44:08

Get planning permission NOW. Your dead neighbour won't object.

oblada Thu 12-Jul-18 19:45:57

It's funny how so many people are horrified at something that is common in many places... No judgment, just a comment! I don't think I'd feel too bad about it to be honest. I wouldn't mind either my MIL or my parents living very close. Having said that they are all v good at respecting boundaries.
But if u don't want to then just be clear with the husband!

Youaremysunshine2017 Thu 12-Jul-18 19:48:04

Hehehe grin

nokidshere Thu 12-Jul-18 19:48:55

When the house next door to us came up for sale it was my idea for MIL to buy it. It was the perfect solution for all of us. No more travelling to visit her being a big pull although obviously that's not the case here.

MIL only came into ours for Christmas Day (her choice)
My boys spent hours and hours with her when they were small, she taught them how to play cards and board games, fed them biscuits and generally made them very happy indeed. As they got older they went regularly to tell her about their schools, friends, sports. She loved it and really felt like part of their lives. DH spent 30/60 mins there each night, watching tv and chatting with her or doing odd jobs. I dropped in and out during the day (work from home) for a natter, or a moan about her son, or to talk over stuff with her. We looked after her when she needed it and she was kind and generous to us always.

We got the use of her garden (we grew veggies and had a greenhouse there), her double garage (she didn't drive) and two extra parking spaces.

It can work for everyone if you have a decent relationship. My children never crossed the line between her rules and mine, and not having to leave home for a week or weekend to visit her was a huge chunk of time we got back.

IntercontinentalButtCrack Thu 12-Jul-18 19:52:24

My MIL staying in our house for a month is the closest we have ever been to divorce. It was truly truly awful.

For me, living next door would be the death knell for our marriage, because my dh is not able to set boundaries for his mum unless I actually threaten to move out. Im not willing to be out in that position more than I absolutley have to because it is really really ard and upsetting to feel so let down by a partner, even though when push comes to shove he figures it out and gets her to back off a bit.

If your dh is onside and capable o fretting and enforcing boundaries without you having to threaten to leave, then maybe, just maybe it might work.

Otherwise, big enormous NO. Total deal breaker. I adore my dh and our marriage and life, but I would leave out of sheer self preservation. It's like being erased in my own home when she gets too comfortable beign around our place. Not one iota of respect for my privacy or boundaries, and it breaks me every time.

Oliversmumsarmy Thu 12-Jul-18 19:53:38

Why not outbid her and buy the house as a btlgrin

Winebottle Thu 12-Jul-18 19:54:34

I don't agree that you can't tell her not to live there. You can't legally prevent it but you can defiantly exercise some soft power.

You need to get hb on side. If he tells her not to buy it because you (plural) don't want her living there, surely she wouldn't. Especially if you escalate it to threats of moving yourself if necessary.

lavendargreen Thu 12-Jul-18 19:55:32

@ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3

You are either someone with adult children who has pushed your way into their home and not taken no for an answer.

OR

You are an adult who has never grown up, and needs to be near really near mommy.

No other explanation to be happy to have your mother living with you.

Have to agree that some mothers of sons are the worst. Horribly possessive and demanding, and think no woman is good enough for their precious son. (Not all, but some...)

Hell would freeze over before I would let my MIL move next door to me ... fuck that.

As has been said, if she is not happy being 5 minutes away, she has plans to be in your life 24/7, in your home, in your business, and in your face.

Be firm, and tell your husband 'no fucking way!'

INeedNewShoes Thu 12-Jul-18 19:56:45

shock Nightmare situation! Even if you had the model MIL this would not be ideal. Next door is just far too close wine

bandthenjust Thu 12-Jul-18 19:58:10

I'm sorry op, but I couldn't help but laugh when I read you post - it's like the plot for a sitcom.
I love my MIL, from a distance. I'd be mortified if she moved in next door.
Best of luck (grin)

auntyflonono Thu 12-Jul-18 20:01:04

Put your house on the market, quick!

RabbitsAreTasty Thu 12-Jul-18 20:01:24

If she buys it, definitely start writing a book / blog / column then you can retire to Caribbean on the proceeds.

You know the problem is your DH not your MIL, right?

WheelyCote Thu 12-Jul-18 20:02:06

😬😬

ezzycozzy Thu 12-Jul-18 20:08:15

Well it's good to see so many others who agree that this is a ridiculous situation that is brewing here. She actually lived next door to her own mother for many years and then moved her in when she was elderly. When the gran died she couldn't hack living on her own (1 street away) so she stayed with us for a month. We came close to splitting up over it and I had to pack her bag for her and ask her to leave. I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there... i am livid!!!

GreenShadow Thu 12-Jul-18 20:10:44

I and my MiL weren't particularly close but I think this sounds a very sensible idea! Having never lived close to any relation on either side since graduating, I would find it quite convenient and better than long journeys to see them.
But I would insist on boundaries - no entering each others house uninvited etc
Good luck however it works out.

LakieLady Thu 12-Jul-18 20:10:49

My MIL is really lovely, and I love her to bits, but I wouldn't want her living next door. I value my privacy too much and tbh, I think DP would feel the same. I wouldn't like the thought of her hearing us arguing (very rare), shagging (not so rare, thankfully), burping and farting. I don't like the idea of her knowing that some weekends I stay in my pyjamas all day and rarely do housework.

Plus the racist, sexist BIL would come and visit.

OTOH, she'd probably do the garden and walk the dog .... maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

Anyway, it'll never happen. Nice SIL & BIL have just trebled the size of their house, and are building an annexe on it too, so she can go and live there if she needs to be near one of her kids.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 Thu 12-Jul-18 20:12:34

@lavendargreen

You couldn't be more wrong.
I have two sons.

Oldest is gay, youngest has profound LD and autism.

Oldest son has just, at 33, begun his first long term relationship, he lives in my old marital home, my ex and I gave it to him.

My mother is dead, I nursed her at home until her death, she was a warrior but endured Alzheimer's.
My MIL...My DP is an only child, he worked, I was already a carer for my son, I absorbed her problems into my life, because she was kind and so am I.
FIL had dementia and at 93 she found herself on her own.

I helped her.
If she'd lived next door it would have been easier.

When she died we inherited her house and land.

DP would have inherited whether I helped her or not. The fact that we both loved and helped her makes a difference.

Really needs to be near Mommy?
Fuck off and get some life experience.

RabbitsAreTasty Thu 12-Jul-18 20:13:21

He obviously does not believe it is a threat to your marriage.

I suspect he believes you will moan but do fuck all else.

Can you remind him of times you had a strong disagreement about something and you did what you wanted anyway, to remind him that you are not making idle threats?

bridgetreilly Thu 12-Jul-18 20:20:00

We came close to splitting up over it and I had to pack her bag for her and ask her to leave. I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there... i am livid!!!

I'm going to say it again: the issue between you and your husband is much more serious and important to deal with than the issue with your mil. He needs to start listening to you and taking you seriously.

IntercontinentalButtCrack Thu 12-Jul-18 20:24:46

she stayed with us for a month. We came close to splitting up over it and I had to pack her bag for her and ask her to leave. I have told husband how much of a threat to our marriage this is. He stands firm that it suits him to have her there... i am livid!!!

Omfg, I bet you are. That really sucks. My dh did at least come round when I said she could stay but I would have o leave I feel she did.

Here's how I present it when it comes round, which it does now and again (not about movin gnext door, but just being at our house all the fuckign time day in day out)

You want to see your mum, that's great and fine, go for it, but please not here because when she is here a lot I feel stifled and intruded on

Then he says it's better at our house because it's comfy etc.

Then I say that's ok then, if you really feel you can't see her somewhere else and it absolutely has to be here that's fine but I will be moving out for x amount of days to be tsome space. I will do that because I love yu an Douro marriage anvalue my sanity, so I'd rather do that than break all of the lovely life We have together.

I really mean it to, and have gone as far as checking rooms in a youth hostel nearby for me, and given him the option of kids stay with him or come with me.

This has done the trick every time so far of getting through to him how seriously I a man suffering, and that I won't jus tell Ke tit happen because he's too blind to it to ask his mum to back off a bit.

The stupid thing is she's fine about it, but he always encourages her to come more and more an d more until I be ttowards breaking point, and round we go again.

I'm hoping to get to a point where if I mention yha it will be enough!

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 Thu 12-Jul-18 20:35:53

Well , I think that if anyone is jealous of their MIL, you're using her as a target for other insecurities.
What if he just said 'Fuck her. Who gives a shit?'
Me? I would think what a cunt to be so dismissive of his mother.

OP I would never be dictated to, or have a debate about a red-line issue.
Tell your DH that you will not have her living next door.
Tell him so that he knows you mean it.

Then do it, make it happen.
It's your life.
Do it.

puppymouse Thu 12-Jul-18 20:36:02

I'd be emigrating. But then I loathe my MiL and we are NC. Pre NC we lived around 3 miles away which was more than enough. My own DM lives 5 mins drive away but she has more boundaries than I do so I know she wouldn't impose.

foxssoxareinthebox Thu 12-Jul-18 20:38:50

No way I would be threatening divorce!

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