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AIBU to disagree on being too old to be a mum

(626 Posts)
thefinn Sun 08-Jul-18 00:33:01

I guess that's pretty much it. DH and I have been happily married for a decade now, were together for five years before marrying. We are happy as it is with our pets but I would love to be a mum. I get down however anytime if I mention this to family and friends however. They all feel we are too old, both having turned 34 this summer... it makes me sad but a part of me feels I am being U and maybe everyone has a point.So wwyd?

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking Sun 08-Jul-18 00:34:23

I’m 37 and pregnant 🤷🏻‍♀️

madcatladyforever Sun 08-Jul-18 00:34:38

34 too old? That's nuts, its perfectly normal. 50 is too old.

TooMuchSunshine Sun 08-Jul-18 00:35:13

I'm 35. Just had second dc.
Soo much easier this time around! Everything is so much more enjoyable

GrumpyInsomniac Sun 08-Jul-18 00:35:24

I had DS when I was 34. I've had friends who gave birth in their forties. You're fine smile

SchrodingersCaterpillar Sun 08-Jul-18 00:35:26

That’s ridiculous! Definitely not too old. I had my first at 33 and was one of the youngest in my NCT group, the eldest being 42! Go for it.

CherryPavlova Sun 08-Jul-18 00:35:26

They are ridiculous. Plenty of women leave starting a family until they are in their thirties. I wouldn’t leave it much longer as fertility starts plummeting around 35.

condepetie Sun 08-Jul-18 00:35:32

I am 30 this year and not even close to being ready to be a mum. If I ever have kids it will be when I'm mid-thirties or older.

You are not too old.

I know a great deal of women who became first-time mums in their 40s and they are excellent mothers. Your age has nothing to do with how good a mum you will be.

Go for it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee Sun 08-Jul-18 00:35:33

You’re 34,that’s not old to be a parent. Astonishing How unsupportive family are
So crack on, have fun ttc

Jamiefraserskilt Sun 08-Jul-18 00:36:09

35 and 39. 34 is not too old!

ShirleyPhallus Sun 08-Jul-18 00:36:13

What the actual fuck is wrong with people? Complete turds of friends if they’re telling you to not have children at 34 ffs

pleasegotowork Sun 08-Jul-18 00:36:39

I was 30 having my first and was 40 when my second was born. Dh was 48 when dd was born. You're too old when your body says you're too old. At 34 you've time to have 2 or 3!

Oddcat Sun 08-Jul-18 00:37:07

I had my first child at 34 ! Absolutely not too old , especially these days.

AornisHades Sun 08-Jul-18 00:37:59

34? Average age of my NCT group was about 34.

SachaStark Sun 08-Jul-18 00:38:38

Definitely not too old. Is it a reflection of your surroundings, OP? I feel a lot of pressure to have a child soon, though I'm not ready yet. But at 28, most of my friends and family have mostly completed, or at least started their family. I've certainly had comments about DH and I leaving it "very late" hmm

ijustwannadance Sun 08-Jul-18 00:39:34

My baby is asleep next to me. I'm 40.

Do you want a baby? Yes.
Does your DH want a baby?

What the fuck has it got to do with anyone else???!!

You have just turned 34 ffs. I was expecting you to say 44.

Zcarter Sun 08-Jul-18 00:40:27

I am 32 had my first 10 days ago will hopefully have my second 34/35 xx

BeefyCakes Sun 08-Jul-18 00:41:41

I'm 33 and am nowhere near ready to have children, that is years off. Whoever told you that is as stupid as they thick.

Lisabel Sun 08-Jul-18 00:42:16

Having kids in your 30s is the norm for educated (and/or) career women now.

20s was probably more common in your parents' day.

34 is not even considered an older mother from a medical perspective!

French2019 Sun 08-Jul-18 00:43:59

How odd. I'd have thought 34 is a great age to have a baby. In fact, I'd say 30-35ish is ideal. Under 30 would have been too young for me, by late 30s, I'd have been worrying about declining fertility.

I was 32 when dd was born. 34 is totally within the "normal" range.

thefinn Sun 08-Jul-18 00:44:08

Thank you everyone for these lovely messages! My own mum had me at 18 and today we met at a family gathering. I guess it got to me being told my time is up and no way do I have energy for a child. Thank you all for such a lovely welcome to mumsnet xxx

Timeisslippingaway Sun 08-Jul-18 00:44:13

I was expecting you to say you were late 40's. 34 is fine to have a baby, infact lots of people leave it until then.

Sunbeam18 Sun 08-Jul-18 00:48:02

Isn't 34 about average age?? I was 40 when my son was born.

ParkheadParadise Sun 08-Jul-18 00:48:14

I thought you were going to say you were 50gringrin.
34 isn't old.
I had my first at 15 and my second at 38. With Dd2 I did feel old (surprise pregnancy) because I believed i was well past having babies. I was nearly 20 weeks when I found outblush.
Go for it.

Pastaagain78 Sun 08-Jul-18 00:52:24

34 was the average age of my nct group

thefinn Sun 08-Jul-18 00:55:18

You all made me feel soo much better about this all. I have been crying all night after what was said. Mainly it was my own mum who has been complaining about not having grandchildren for years and years... until today when she told me "you are too old anyway". It really felt bad, maybe even more because of multiple miscarriages. I'm sorry for any stupid mistakes I have made as English is my second language.

VimFuego101 Sun 08-Jul-18 00:56:37

I thought you were going to say you were 50! I am 37; it's only over the last 2 years that my school cohort have really started having babies.

KC225 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:00:47

Squeezed out my first - twins a week before my 43rd birthday and I wasn't even the oldest on the ward. Another woman had a second baby at 44. Her eldest son by her previous relationship was at university.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes Sun 08-Jul-18 01:01:36

I barely know anyone who started having children before 34!

I had my first baby at 35 ish and I've got loads of them now grin.

PurpleFlower1983 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:01:43

I’m 34 and pregnant with DC1.

French2019 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:04:15

Your mum was incredibly young when she had you, so I guess this is colouring her perceptions of what's normal, but she is way off the mark on this one.

Many people would consider 18 far too young to have a baby. Presumably, though it worked for her. 34 might sound too old to your mum, but if it works for you, that's what matters.

triplets Sun 08-Jul-18 01:12:45

I had triplets when I was 45, my first child sadly died three years previously. We had ivf and needed up with three! They are now turned twenty and just a miracle. Go for it! x

Shmithecat Sun 08-Jul-18 01:16:39

I had my one and only dc at 40. Dh was 46. Your friends and family are batshit.

Ohyesiam Sun 08-Jul-18 01:19:01

Had my first at 38, my second at 41.
You really don’t need to listen to the sh*te that falls out of people’s mouths, just do what’s right for you.

BlueManakin Sun 08-Jul-18 01:19:03

My mum gave birth to me at 36 and my bother at 41, so at only 34 you haven't automatically left if too late. So much of it depends on your own situation and perspective.

Do what feels right for you!

IamtheDevilsAvocado Sun 08-Jul-18 01:23:42

Op... Honestly these people re judgemental cocks....

Just a complete empathy failure...

'I had my first at 16,therefore anyone older than this is just' too old'.....

These sort of people and their judgemental attitudes wreck others' lives....

I knew someone in a similar position... She convinced herself - as a result of other people's comments having a baby over 30 was a sure fire way to having a baby with 3 heads... ...(all her family and friends had finished having kids by 22...as they always helpfully reminded her...)...

She didn't have kids... She would have loved to be a mum... She is so fucking angry 20 years on... .

Please please don't listen these utter arses.

novichok Sun 08-Jul-18 01:24:43

YANBU, no women in my circle had children before their mid-30s. I had my DC at 40.

Oh, and if your mum comes out with that "too old" malarkey again, say: "Glad you think so, if that means you'll get off my case".

Sorry about your miscarriages. thanks

Chasingcars123 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:25:05

That is ridiculous. You are the ideal age to have a baby.

I was reading another thread today in which some mums mentioned that they had several miscarriages until they took aspirin and went full term with healthy babies.

I AM NOT A DOCTOR SO PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS AS MEDICAL ADVICE!!

I can't locate the thread but maybe other mums can point you in the right direction.

I hope you go on to get your baby. Best wishes to you flowers

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish Sun 08-Jul-18 01:30:36

34 is not too old to have a baby, my mother had me when she was 43 (I'm in my 30's nowgrin)

MsFrizzle Sun 08-Jul-18 01:31:23

Mum had me at 41.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:37:31

Ffs, I thought you were going to say you are 55! Your family is being totally ridiculous and daft. Go for it!

CitrusFruit9 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:39:00

God I had not even started considering having a family at 34! I had DC3 at 42, no IVF or anything. I think your mum is at least 10 years out.

Merryoldgoat Sun 08-Jul-18 01:42:50

I was one of the younger in my NCT group at 34 having my first. I had my second a few weeks before turning 40. I’m up cuddling him now and I’ve been up since 7 and energy is no issue.

Your mum is talking utter arse.

Merryoldgoat Sun 08-Jul-18 01:43:56

Plus I got pregnant first and second try respectively - being older doesn’t always mean fertility issues.

sandgrown Sun 08-Jul-18 01:44:00

I had my last baby at 45 with no problems. You are only young . Go for it!

My mum, who is 63, has just fallen pregnant through IVF. You definitely aren't too old. smile

Nat6999 Sun 08-Jul-18 01:48:11

I was six weeks off being 38 when I had my DS, no way did I feel like an old mum, I know someone who found she was pregnant at 49, had teenage children getting ready to leave school & off to uni, thought it was the menopause, after getting over the shock, she sailed through her pregnancy & Labour, was out shopping within a couple of days, it's given her a new lease of life, she looks ten years younger & runs rings round some of the younger mums. 34 is no age to worry about, if you want to try to conceive, go for it & good luck.

MooseBeTimeForSummer Sun 08-Jul-18 01:48:29

63??

I was married for 16 years before DS1 was born. And I was 2 weeks off my 38th Birthday.

Italiangreyhound Sun 08-Jul-18 02:12:32

My first baby was born when I was 39 and we adopted a child born when I was 45.

You are not too old.

WHY would any one else even have an opinion on how old was too old let alone feel it was OK to share it with you ?? Just tell them it is none of their business, because it is not.

Italiangreyhound Sun 08-Jul-18 02:15:12

Are you getting assessments and help with regard to the miscarriages? Are you in the UK?

Good luck.

Serendipite Sun 08-Jul-18 02:23:07

No, you're fine. But if you want to have a baby, start trying. You still have several years of baby-making ahead of you. smile

balljuggla Sun 08-Jul-18 02:27:21

Oh sweetheart, that's awful that it reduced you to tears. I had my first earlier this year at 34. Energy wise I think I find it easier than I would have done in my 20s! You have plenty of time, as others have said it's very normal now to start a family at our age!

Bellagio40 Sun 08-Jul-18 03:25:58

I was 39 when I had my first baby and 42 when my second was born. They are now 17 and 14 and it's been great so far.

Go for it. You probably have time to have at least 2 if you want.

Frogletmamma Sun 08-Jul-18 04:36:32

34 is not too old unless maybe you were planning 10 kids. I had mine at 33. By she is 18 I will be 51. What is wrong with that?

chumbawumbawumba Sun 08-Jul-18 04:50:27

You're close to being too old.

It's probably unwoke to point out that your fertility's about to plummet and the chances of having a child with severe health problems will rocket but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

SJN71 Sun 08-Jul-18 04:53:48

I just had my first at 45 so........

You are the ideal age. I wish it had happened for me around that time but unfortunately not. I think I'm doing pretty well with my little one and it's wonderful. They are being ridiculous :-)

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 08-Jul-18 04:59:10

Your mother is being horrible. How can you stand to be around her? You need to tell the woman to SHUT UP.

I’m so sorry about the miscarriages. Are you having good care and investigations? If you want information on what might be causing you to lose the baby there are a lot of women on here, who will share their experiences. You would need to post a new thread with a specific title and include the word miscarriage.

My mother was the same about me not conceiving and only having dd the one dd. Except it just didn’t happen, years of ttc and no pregnancy. I had ivf and have been incredibly ill ever since. In hindsight I needed my whole reproductive system looked at as I had a progressive undiagnosed medical condition for which I’ve just had a hysterectomy. She even bitched about me leaving it too late 3 years ago to my friend. I was 37 when I had dd and we’d been trying since I was about 30. No compassion for my health as I’ve been disabled since before dd was born.

Apehouse Sun 08-Jul-18 05:31:39

I had my first at 33 and my last at 42, with three more in between. Mid-thirties for your first is normal these days.

VickieCherry Sun 08-Jul-18 05:46:27

Too old? Most of my friends had their first at 33/34. One is 36 and pregnant with her first now, some of the rest are pregnant with second.

I don't know anyone who (intentionally) had a baby before 25.

ProseccoPoppy Sun 08-Jul-18 05:54:11

Average for my NCT group. I was younger (late 20s) due to circumstances (a medical condition) that meant we did not want to delay ttc - but would otherwise have chosen to start our family in my early - mid 30s. If we are lucky enough to have a third I’m likely to be about your age. Honestly that is a really normal age for women with a career and/or who went to university. Most people I know would be far more hmm about having a baby at 18 (which is not normal at all in my friendship circle) than at 34. Sorry to hear about your losses and hope you are getting the help you need.

BrexitWife Sun 08-Jul-18 06:01:37

34????
Even on NHS standards you wouldn’t be an older mum.

When you said you wouod be too old, I was expecting something like 42 or 44yo!!

MountainPeakGeek Sun 08-Jul-18 06:03:37

unhappyhusbandunhappyfather - I hope that was a typo... 63?? WTF?!

OP You are not too old by a long stretch. 34 must be pretty much average, I would have thought?

theforceisstrong Sun 08-Jul-18 06:05:38

Jeez most of my friends were at least early thirty's with number one and as most school mums are similar ages I would say it's the norm - not too old at all

ThePinkOcelot Sun 08-Jul-18 06:07:25

34?!! I thought you were going to say mid 40s. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous!
Don’t listen to them, they’re talking crap.

I had my first at 33 and second at 36. I certainly didn’t feel old st the school gates. In fact there was just a handful I would say that were younger.

londonrach Sun 08-Jul-18 06:18:42

I was 41 when i had dd (my first). Id say everyone is older than 34 (but one person whos in her20s) having their first dc in my friendship group. 34 is About the right age to have dc. Doesnt matter what are you are its if you and dh want them

knockknockknock Sun 08-Jul-18 06:23:35

63? Please tell me that's a typo 😱

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset Sun 08-Jul-18 06:25:06

Definitely not too old. Maybe your relatives and friends worry about fertility dropping which it does in your thirties. The probably have your best interests at heart.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset Sun 08-Jul-18 06:25:30

*they

Oysterbabe Sun 08-Jul-18 06:26:30

34 is pretty average for a first baby. I got pregnant with my 2 at 34 and 36.

AmyLou14 Sun 08-Jul-18 06:29:27

I’m pregnant at 30 and feel far too young!!

Caribbeanyesplease Sun 08-Jul-18 06:32:19

YANBU to want/have a child at 35

YABU to be an adult of 34 asking if you’re too old when surely you know biologically - you’re not and socially - you’re not (there are first time mums in their mid thirties everywhere. Pick up any celeb mag and they all seem to be pregnant in their late thirties/early forties

whitechocolatespaceegg Sun 08-Jul-18 06:34:03

Nonsense! I had my first at 32 and just had my third at 41. There's nothing like being a mum. Hope it happens for you soon xx

Drycleanonly7 Sun 08-Jul-18 06:34:16

I was 41. Am 45 now and am going to try for another..Realise I am pushing it now though!

KatnissK Sun 08-Jul-18 06:36:54

No way is 34 too old. I am 30 and had my DS last year- I felt positively young on the ward! Only 1 of my friends has had a baby. I will probably have another around 34 too. Go for it!

43percentburnt Sun 08-Jul-18 06:40:34

34! I thought you were going to say 54!

Sadly people feel it’s their right to comment on such things. Dh and I always joke that 27 years 3 weeks and 1 day is the perfect time to have a baby in many interfering peoples eyes. 1 day younger and you are criticised for been a young mum, 1 day older and you are treated as being too old!

None of their business.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 08-Jul-18 06:40:43

Agree with everyone else. I think the average age for childbirth is 30 these days so 34 isn't a million miles from average. I had my first at 34 as did a few of my friends. Second at 37. I wouldn't leave it longer as for example if you want 2 with a 3 year age gap and takes 6 months to conceive you could be having the second at 38 /39 when fertility may be more of an issue. In my nct group of 8 I was roughly in take so he middle - ages ranged 27 - 42!

whitechocolatespaceegg Sun 08-Jul-18 06:41:13

I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. I hope you're getting appropriate support. I had 3 before having my daughter and my GP referred me to a gynaecologist. Last time I looked, Tommy's were doing research on treatment to prevent miscarriage. Might be worth checking out. Don't give up heart xx

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 08-Jul-18 06:41:50

*in the middle

MysteriesOfTheOrganism Sun 08-Jul-18 06:47:52

34? Yeah, you should be sitting in a comfy chair with your slippers on, sipping Horlicks and making your funeral arrangements, as your life is obviously nearly over... wink

neveradullmoment99 Sun 08-Jul-18 06:53:57

I had my last at 43. No not old at all.

Lostalldirection Sun 08-Jul-18 06:54:33

I'm 45 and pregnant! Granted it has taken us by surprise but my other two children are only 3 and 21 months.

What would your family/friends think of me? smile

Tobebythesea Sun 08-Jul-18 06:57:41

I had my first at 32. Going to start trying again now at 34. I asked my Doctor if she thought 34/35 was too old last week and she laughed. She said that’s young for the women she sees.

bellinisurge Sun 08-Jul-18 06:58:12

Baby at 41. Got pregnant within 5 weeks of trying. 34 too old? Utter bollocks.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Sun 08-Jul-18 06:58:47

Forgot to add - you're not classed as an older mum in the NHS until you're over 40

Pengggwn Sun 08-Jul-18 06:58:58

Most women at 34 will conceive with little difficulty and carry the pregnancy successfully to term (my only point with the latter being that miscarriage is more common as we age). 34 is a perfectly reasonable time to have a baby.

Pleasegodgotosleep Sun 08-Jul-18 07:01:08

I didn't even meet my husband until I was 35!! We had our first little girl just before I turned 37 and I'm 3 weeks away from delivering our second - just before I turn 40 in Nov!!!

Clairetree1 Sun 08-Jul-18 07:01:09

No, you're fine. But if you want to have a baby, start trying. You still have several years of baby-making ahead of you

you don't know this.

This is a lovely thread, full of encouragement and hope, but whilst these sorts of threads are very well meaning, they can be dangerously misleading

A significant number of women are too old to have a baby by 35.

Without an investigation into ovarian reserve, you can't possibly tell if that is you or not.

Unfortunately these things are not up to us, we don't get to choose when fertility starts to decline, and we don't get any warning either.

Long internet threads reassuring women that they can choose to have babies into their 40s gives a false impression.

Some women can, women women can't.

VladmirsPoutine Sun 08-Jul-18 07:02:16

34 isn't too old for anything, not least having a baby. My life would have been ruined had I had a child in my 20s.

Sunnyjac Sun 08-Jul-18 07:03:07

34?! Had my first at 35, second at 36 and last at 40.

wafflethewonderdog Sun 08-Jul-18 07:09:03

I only met my DH when I was 35. Had DD1 when I was 37 and DD2 at 39. It's old compared to some (some of my FB friends from school are grandparents at 40 😱) but I wouldn't change anything x

1derwoman Sun 08-Jul-18 07:12:47

I had my first child at 38 and my second at 40. You are definitely not too old,

Gemi33 Sun 08-Jul-18 07:13:38

This is something that has been on my mind lately. I have just turned 35 and I am starting to accept that I will never have children. I am heartbroken. I am single and haven't dated anyone in a long time so for me I think it won't happen. However you are in a relationship so I think if you want children then of course it's not too late,

xx

BitchQueen90 Sun 08-Jul-18 07:16:31

Not old at all if it's what you want!

I wouldn't have children at that age but I had mine young (22) and not everyone would want to have children at the age I did either. It's your life.

WindyWednesday Sun 08-Jul-18 07:18:43

My neighbour had a baby at 47 and a friend of mine had her second at 44.

WhirlingTurkey Sun 08-Jul-18 07:19:28

My Grandma was 46 when she had my mum (70 years ago!). My mum was 36 when she had me. I'm 34 now and pregnant with my second DC. The people who told you you are too old are either ignorant, or being completely unkind on purpose for some reason. Unless you come from a cultural background where its more usual to have babies very young, like your mum did? Although still it's not true, you aren't too young to have a baby if you want one. Please ignore idiots who say that to you in future!

MynameisJune Sun 08-Jul-18 07:19:34

34 is not too old at all, but I would caution that if you do want children then I’d start seriously thinking about it.

You mention multiple miscarriages so I assume you’re not on contraception, but have you been to the GP? Have you have any investigations? These things take time, often a year or more from initial appointment to getting to IVF through the NHS if that’s what you need.

I know this because that’s the journey we’re on, I had DD at 31. Now we’re struggling with secondary unexplained infertility. So even if you manage DC1 without issues then DC2 or more might not be so easy. You just never know.

Whilst I wouldn’t advocate anyone has children before they feel ready, I also would caution people not to wait too long. Fertility does start to drop after 35. And for all the women on here who’ve had babies into their 40’s you’ll find just as many who can’t have babies in their 30’s. The problem is you’ll just never know which camp your in, until your in it.

vampirethriller Sun 08-Jul-18 07:26:17

I'm 36 and my first is due at the end of October. My youngest brother was born when my mum was 41. You're not too old!

Igneococcus Sun 08-Jul-18 07:28:00

I had my first at 38 and my second 6 weeks before my 42nd birthday.
No problems conceiving or during pregnancy and birth. I might have dealt with interrupted sleep a little better a decade earlier but it wasn't a big issue really.

greendale17 Sun 08-Jul-18 07:28:51

Nowadays 34 is the norm

Juells Sun 08-Jul-18 07:28:55

My mother was 43 when I was born.

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