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AIBU?

To say no to paying DH maintenance bill.

268 replies

ivechangedmyusername · 25/06/2018 16:23

Name changed but been here since before Mexican House thief and the small Korean lady in the Garden ..

DH has 4 dcs. (2 over 18 who now live with us/at Uni
I have 3. (2 over 18)

He paid £1500 a month in CM for 6yrs (as this covered the mortgage and was the divorce agreement. CMS was £918 so more than the minimum by quite a way. ) when ex remarried house was sold and ex retained 80% of the equity in exchange for no pension sharing. (Her share of the equity was £318k). She moved into her new (similarly wealthy , childless, ) husbands house. No mortgage. We know this because she tried (and failed) to move overseas with the dcs and part of the court process was full disclosure of their joint financial situation to prove they could afford to support the move.

My DH has been quite unwell mentally. He suffered from quite extreme stress from his job which whilst highly paid is equally highly stressful and performance based. We have evaluated our lives and decided that we would rather earn less and live longer - and have some more time for each other now the kids are older. He has taken unpaid leave from work which means he hasn't sought a new contract. He hasn't earned for 2 months whilst very unwell and has now decided to retrain in a completely different craft based field that will pay a quarter of what we he was previously earning.

Now to the AIBU . DH has emailed (the only way they can communicate even after a decade without a full scale screaming row. ) and told his ex what is happening and that CM will reduce in August to £325 per month. She has said that this is unacceptable and that his children 'still exist' and he needs to pay for them. He has told her that this is how it is going to be and that his maintenance payments should have reduced years ago when the eldest got to 18 but he didn't do that because he could afford not to. Now he needs to look after his health and this is what he can afford. CMS rate.
I have received an email from her today, the first time in a decade that she has spoken to me, telling me ;
' as you and my ex-husband have made a joint decision on this lifestyle choice, I think it only morally right that I look to you to make up the shortfall in maintenance.'. It is not my children's fault that their father is having some kind of midlife crisis and wants to go and commune with nature. He has children , they are not an optional financial obligation'. As you are supporting this plan, then it is only fair that you pay the shortfall in my children's finances in order to keep them in the lifestyle they are used to'.

For full disclosure, ex wife has not worked since eldest was born. (22yrs ago).
I have worked full time in a profession since 22 and only had a 3 month break after my first and 6 months for both subsequent babies.
My ex and I get on really well and he also pays me £500 pm in CMS for my only child now at home.
Husbands new job will not have a massive impact on our lifestyle except for the better (more time at home) .
AIBU so say no, I'm not paying what you perceive to be a shortfall and sod off and get a job. ?

OP posts:
AForegoneConclusion · 25/06/2018 16:26

Cheeky bitch!!!! I wouldn't bother answering. She is nothing to do with you. Let your DH deal with the situation. You do NOT have to make up any money. What shite

Hont1986 · 25/06/2018 16:27

Does the court order say that he has to pay CM past 18?

If not, then she doesn't really have anything to stand on.

Sunshineintheclouds · 25/06/2018 16:27

Sorry how old are the children?

mediumbrownmug · 25/06/2018 16:27

Ignore the email, it's nothing to do with you. Let your DH handle her.

blackteasplease · 25/06/2018 16:28

He needs to pay what he needs to pay for the youngest two. The older ones don't need maintenance any more.

I don't know whether £325 is enough or not. Is it court ordered? What would the CmS say he should pay

blackteasplease · 25/06/2018 16:28

But I agree it's not up to you to pay.

seventhgonickname · 25/06/2018 16:28

You simply say that this is not your business it is between her and her ex and you do not engage,answer further.

kissthealderman · 25/06/2018 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bananamanfan · 25/06/2018 16:30

YANBU at all. I wouldn't reply. I think you & DH aee making the right choice btw, work stress can be fatal.
It sounds like he has treated her very fairly and his obligation to her should becoming to an end.

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/06/2018 16:30

So two DC under 18 at home with her? And who is paying the DC at University's expenses?

LagunaBubbles · 25/06/2018 16:31

Of course you dont need to pay! If your DHs income will be less then cm will be less.

PippilottaLongstocking · 25/06/2018 16:31

I believe maintenance only has to be paid til the child’s 16, then up to 18 or 20 if they’re in full time education. Sure the children still exist but they’re old enough to get their own jobs and support themselves!

Abouttoblow · 25/06/2018 16:31

Suggest that her husband makes up the shortfall?
He has as much responsibility as you do.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 25/06/2018 16:31

"Is this a late Apri Fool"?
Should be your response...

Sunshineintheclouds · 25/06/2018 16:32

If there are children under 18 involved then he has to pay at least the cms amount.

But it is nothing to do with you, so just ignore.

PippilottaLongstocking · 25/06/2018 16:32

And even if he did still have to pay for all of them, that’s his responsibility and based on his income, not your problem at all!

yorkshireyummymummy · 25/06/2018 16:33

No , you are NOT being unreasonable.
I can’t believe her cheek in even daring to ask you!
You have two of the children from the marriage living with your, your husbands income has dropped significantly and he is still going to pay her - only now she won’t be getting a huge ‘ over and above’ payment each month.
She should have saved up some of that money.
Personally I wouldn’t even reply, I would remain on the higher ground by refusing to get into a financial bickering match with her.
The CMS have told your DH what to pay and he is going to pay it. If she thinks it’s ok for stepparents to pay for her kids the she should be asking HER husband for money.
She is a CF , a very very big CF.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/06/2018 16:33

Nope nothing to do with you at all.

So she’d rather her ex husband drop dead from stress (where would she get the money from then?), than take the CMS allocated amount?

I don’t understand why she thinks you owe her anything. She owes you for having her kids living with you, I take it she doesn’t pay towards their upkeep?

Ignore ignore ignor.

acornsandnuts · 25/06/2018 16:33

Simply put she needs to get a job, however it’s not your place to say it, ignore her email

sleepyducks · 25/06/2018 16:34

Definitely ignore her, ridiculous request

Petalflowers · 25/06/2018 16:34

I can understand she’s a little shocked by the reduction in money, it’s a huge difference. But to contact you! It’s nothing to do with you.

19lottie82 · 25/06/2018 16:35

I can see why she’s pissed off, but you shouldn’t be expected to pay, no.

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Idontevencareanymore · 25/06/2018 16:35

Wow she's a grabby cow! I'd be sorely tempted to reply that the gravy train is over now and good luck. But I'm a sarcastic bitch so maybe not....

You owe her nothing.

GreenTulips · 25/06/2018 16:36

Ignore her....

What's does the court order say?

BitchQueen90 · 25/06/2018 16:37

She needs to get a job then. I am divorced and I expect child maintenance from my exh but I also go to work myself, I don't rely on his money to fund my whole life. YANBU and it's certainly not your responsibility but I wouldn't engage with her. Ignore the email.

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