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To want to send this woman a mesage about not touching my bump

(58 Posts)
karategirl Mon 25-Jun-18 14:54:20

I went to a university reunion dinner at the weekend. It was a lovely do, and I got to see a lot of friends who live all over the country, which was fantastic.

After dinner, I wandered over to speak to someone I hadn't seen during the evening. He had to dash because he had a taxi waiting, so it was a very brief chat. He had been sitting next to a woman from my course. I've never been friends with her, simply because we're very different people. She's the very glamorous, gregarious, 'popular' party girl, whereas I'm very much more introverted, prefer small groups of people etc. Nothing in particular against her, we just don't really have anything in common, other than field of study and work.

As we were both standing there, I started a bit of general small talk with her. She suddenly exclaimed in (what I took to be) a rather disingenuous fashion about how excited she was that I'm expecting and immediately reached out and felt my bump. Not just a touch, but properly grabbed with both hands and felt around. Bearing in mind that I've not seen or spoken to her for about 7 years, we hadn't had any physical contact at all (no hugs or handshakes), and neither of us would consider the other to be a friend.

I didn't say anything at the time (just recoiled slightly) because I didn't want to make a scene at a nice do, but part of me wants to send her a message asking her not to do it in future - if she wants to touch someone's bump, she should at least ask first.

What do you think? Try and stop it happening to other women (because I'm absolutely sure she'd have no qualms about manhandling any pregnant acquaintance) or just let sleeping dogs lie and avoid her if we're in the same room together again?

sonjadog Mon 25-Jun-18 14:56:13

If you haven't seen her for seven years, are you likely to meet her again while you are still pregnant?

Justmuddlingalong Mon 25-Jun-18 14:57:23

You could have said something at the time. Messaging her now would be odd IMO.

Xnic Mon 25-Jun-18 14:57:32

You should just leave it. Yes you found it annoying, but the moment has passed .

JustVent Mon 25-Jun-18 14:58:09

I mean it depends.

I you’re not pregnant then I would say it was fair game to have told her to fuck off.

But I’m presuming you are. Whilst it’s unpleasant, I’m sure she didn’t mean it in anything other than an nice way (whether it was or not) so I believe it’s very OTT to message her and make her feel like a complete arsehole for doing something that she as probably feeling affectionate and celebratory about.

guiltynetter Mon 25-Jun-18 14:58:59

i think you’d look a bit odd doing it now! should have said something at the time.

Storm4star Mon 25-Jun-18 14:59:09

If it were me, I'd say the moments probably passed now. It would have been better to say something at the time. If she does it to someone else then it's down to them to say something. If she's that rude then you saying about it would most likely still not stop her doing it to someone else in future iyswim? If you are likely to see her again while pregnant then of course say something, but I would say it then as opposed to a message now.

NanFlanders Mon 25-Jun-18 14:59:53

I wouldn't have minded anyone touching my bump - I was quite proud of it! I know that others don't feel the same though. But if you didn't say anything at the time, I'd just let it lie.... Doesn't sound like you are going to run into her any time soon, so situation is unlikely to arise again.

guiltynetter Mon 25-Jun-18 14:59:57

also some people aren’t bothered about having their bump touched! especially if the person doing is attempting to be nice.

Lethaldrizzle Mon 25-Jun-18 15:00:09

She wasn't meaning to be horrible

AmazingPostVoices Mon 25-Jun-18 15:00:49

It was inappropriate of her to touch you.

You need to strengthen your boundaries.

If someone touches you in a way you don’t like you step
away and say “stop touching me, I don’t like it”.

I don’t think an email will help you feel better. Practice saying “no” I person.

Lethaldrizzle Mon 25-Jun-18 15:02:10

And what does her being glamourous gregarious and popular have to do with it. Would it have been more acceptable if she hasn't been confused

FizzyGreenWater Mon 25-Jun-18 15:03:57

I think the moment has passed.

Your error was not wanting to cause a moment at a nice do! The absolutely appropriate response to that would be a shocked 'Omg do you mind?!' and a quick small step back. Maybe a discreet but sharp hand slap!

HollowTalk Mon 25-Jun-18 15:05:47

I disagree with everyone - I would write to her. Your description of her grabbing you and feeling you with both hands is really horrible. If she did that to someone who wasn't pregnant, they'd complain, and so should you.

And she clearly is crap at reading body language - surely she should have noticed you recoiled?

Ugh, yes, write and say to her that she shouldn't have done that, that you didn't like it, and that she needs to understand boundaries.

Cinderella2018 Mon 25-Jun-18 15:11:09

If you see her again, say something before she touches you. But messaging her after the event if you are not going to see her, is odd.

You can’t speak for other people and tell her not to touch bumps! Some people (my cousin!) thrive on the attention and don’t mind st all.

You can only speak fir yourself and I think you missed the boat with that. You’ll make yourself look stupid if you bring it up now. She don’t even remember.

pigsDOfly Mon 25-Jun-18 15:13:36

This used to really annoy me - last time I was pregnant was over 30 years ago - but I think you really can't message her now, although I can understand why you'd want to.

She might not have meant any harm, as some pps have pointed out, but really, how would you feel (those pps) if you were talking to someone who suddenly put both their hands on your stomach and started having a good feel of it - assuming you're not pregnant in this instance. I'd be pretty shocked and annoyed if someone did that to me.

Just because a woman is pregnant it doesn't mean part of her body is public property for others to grab hold of and feel.

pasturesgreen Mon 25-Jun-18 15:13:51

Don't make yourself look like a loon and message her now. You should have spoken up at the time if it was bothering you, no need to make a scene.
I'm surprised you even have her phone number if you aren't friends and haven't seen each other in 7 years.

crispysausagerolls Mon 25-Jun-18 15:13:54

I hate this! It’s incredibly rude and an invasion of privacy. HOWEVER, you will look mental to message her now about it! Agree you have to say stuff at the time with these things

Cinderella2018 Mon 25-Jun-18 15:14:08


TheSpottedZebra Mon 25-Jun-18 15:15:55

Do you think if someone else tries to do it, that you could tell them to stop/don't touch / fuck off?

You can, you know.

sleepingdragons Mon 25-Jun-18 15:16:01

Yes, I'd write to her. Simply explain some people really don't like having their bump touched and you'd hate for her to cause inadvertent offence in the future. Simply asking first is the solution.

CoraPirbright Mon 25-Jun-18 15:17:06

Yup moment’s passed. If she does it again, slap her hand away hard. Either that or reach across and grab her boob. See how she likes them apples.

Nothisispatrick Mon 25-Jun-18 15:17:18

I think it would be weird for you to message her now tbh. Not everyone finds it so horribly offensive. It's happened to me several times and while I don't LIKE it, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Plus everyone who has done it to me has not been British, so it might be a cultural thing. Lots of cultures are more touchy than the British.

Littletinyraindrops Mon 25-Jun-18 15:17:24

If you see her again whilst pregnant and she tries to do it again I'd say something, however I'd try my best to let it go and not dwell on it now, I certainly wouldn't message her.

I hated people touching my bump when I was pregnant, and by about 5 months in I learnt to tell them so sharpish.

JaneyEJones Mon 25-Jun-18 15:28:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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