AIBU for his parents to at the least be aware of me and dc after 10 years

[inlawetiquette]

There is a cultural difference between me and DP.

I've never met his family but I'm aware of who the different the people are and I get updated on things that happen by DP.

DP has always told me, he doesn't have that type of relationship with his parents. They don't really talk about things of a personal nature. They live in the south, we live in the north.

We've argued and even split, early on in our relationship because it was alarming that he never introduced me. We went to counselling and the jist I took from the counsellor was that it may be a cultural issue.

DP rarely visited his family or talk via phone...despite encouragement.

It's all blown up again for me. His DF is in his 80's and has been ill. DP has travelled twice to see him. I wanted to go with but was refused. I didn't push it this is about him and his ill dad.


First time he travelled, it was difficult to get hold of him on the phone. Not answered when I rang. Two-three word texts. Rang me on his way back. I had been worrying for him and about his Dad. He said....signal was bad in hospital etc


He went again and despite me asking him to give me an update so I know he's got there ok...how his dad is etc he did the same again.

It dawned on me, that his family know nothing about me and he wants to keep it that way. I asked him outright...has he ever told them about me or my dc (his step children but he's raised for 10 years)he said...

Not really

Part of me hears big alarm bells!!!! I have a hundred questions...how, why, what. Is he hiding them from me or me from them. Is he ashamed of me of them. Has he told me lies and scared I'll find something out?

Or am I overreacting. Does that mean our relationship isn't real.

AIBU

[hammeringinmyhead]

When you say cultural difference... Are they likely not to accept you because you are a different nationality or ethnicity to them?

[lastnightidreamtofpotatoes]

When you say culturAl difference, do you mean religious? Is he Hindu/Sikh/Muslim where a relationship outside of marriage would be deemed unnacceptable?

[TeasndToast]

Really? I’m sorry OP but you sound insanely naive.

It sounds to me like he’s got an entire ‘other life’. I wouldn’t bet on the ‘poorly father’ story at all. What on earth possessed you to tolerate this for a decade without uncovering the truth?

[NotARegularPenguin]

Do you live together?

[ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine]

I don't know of any cultural difference where someone doesn't speak to their parents about personal things, let alone not introduce their partner

[Gruach]

Ten years?

What is he hiding?

And why have you put up with this uncertainty for so long?

[LimeCheesecaker]

What are the cultural differences?

I can’t believe you’ve let this go on for such a long time.

[Wheretheresawill1]

I was involved with something similar for 3yrs- it did not end well. I would caution anyone getting involved in one of these types of relationships. You will always be a secret and there will be pressure on him to marry someone from his own culture.

[Ohmydayslove]

I think there may be more to this than you know op. I would start to do some digging.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

You say you think it may be a cultural thing.

Could he already be married with a wife and kids in a different country.

Friend has been with her"husband " for 20 years. He is still married to his first wife who is in a different country. ( No divorce. His first marriage is not recognised in this country)

If he isn't married I would think at some point his parents will be looking to arrange a marriage

[MrsMozart]

Blinking heck lass.

A quick thought: how are your finances and home set up?

[Aeroflotgirl]

I won't have that at all! Bet he's got another family. You seem.unimportant to him, the bit on the side. Sid that for a game of soldiers.

[Omzlas]

Very suspicious to me. What do you mean by 'culturally different'? Could the problem be that you aren't married?

This is ringing huge alarm bells for me, why would he not want to introduce you to his parents?
Has it taken this long to seriously question things?
Are you in a position to be financially independent to him?

[inlawetiquette]

He is Asian. He's not religious. His parents and family are said not to be religious.
His brothers first wife was white. He's always denied it was a cultural thing.

Had always told me his family knew of us but that it would feel staged to take me down to see them. That if they came up...that of course I'd get to meet them.

Then the other day he said 'not really' which threw me.

Ive buried my head in the sand

[shiklah]

I wouldn’t put up with that op. What culture is it? Could he have married young and not divorced? We have that situation with a family member how lies by omission to new partners. I think it is terrible.

[LimeCheesecaker]

Sounds like it could be shame then that he’s with a woman who already has children if it’s not that you’re white.

He has no intention of ever allowing you to meet them, sorry. Up to you whether you wanna remain in this weird half relationship with a man who’s ashamed of you.

[Adviceplease360]

Yes you have.
Top many Asian men- Muslims especially live double lives, hoping their parents nor their partners know of each other and rely on their naïveté.

[Adversecamber22]

Is he at home every night? Does he have any prolonged and regular trips away?

First wife was white meaning his brother divorced and then married someone from the same culture.

[Singlenotsingle]

I've known this happen before. English man married a Hindu
woman, but she'd been terrified of telling her parents. Her father àttended the wedding but the mother didn't. It didn't end well.

[DevilsDoorbell]

Sounds like he has another life. I’m sorry but you have to know this is bullshit

[LakieLady]

Holy shit, that's shocking. I could understand his reticence if his family were fiercely opposed to marriage outside their own religion/culture, but I still wouldn't be happy about it.

But for him not to have even mentioned that he's in a relationship when his parents are apparently unlikely to object and you've been together for 10 years would freak me right out.

I hope you've got all the bases covered financially, just in case there's an arranged marriage on the cards.

[inlawetiquette]

How do I find out if he has another life? I can't see any evidence of it in his things.
Haven't checked his phone but I can't work the thing.

Part of me wants to knock on their door to get straight answers but his dad has been unwell

[Blessthekids]

I don't think its a cultural thing to to be honest but more to do with his relationship with his parents. It might just be the case he is not close or that perhaps they had some massive falling out in the past before you came along and you are simply living with the consequence of that.

The fact you have been with him for 10 years or more and he does not generally bother with his family suggests that it is highly unlikely he has another family or will be having an arranged marriage. Not all Asian families agree or bother with arranged marriages.

Your situation reminds me of a friend who is English and his Asian partner but the roles are reversed. He does not bother with his family much at all apart from illnesses, seldom turns up for weddings, birthdays or Christmas. Part of the reason is that his family have not been particularly welcoming to the idea of his partner so to save arguments etc he chose to limit contact to an absolute minimum. I am not sure what his partner feels about this though.

[notWORKzilla]

"Part of me wants to knock on their door to get straight answers but his dad has been unwell"

I bet he hasn't!
I bet that's another lie

[SalemBlackCat]

10 years, not married, never met his parents. Yes, I would say there is a problem here. He simply is not committed to you and Just Not That Into You. You should split permanently. Find someone worthy of you who will love you and be proud to take home to his parents.