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AIBU?

Abusive husband

26 replies

DanthewoMAN · 24/06/2018 23:16

Hi everyone, I've already got the same post running in the relationship section but I'm posting here because I'd like to get more advise so I'm sorry for posting twice.

Me and my husband just had an enormous row about something absolutely ridiculous. We are both very short-tempered but it's never spiralled to threats of violence.
I left the house and walked round our garden in order to try and cool off and my husband followed me. I asked him to leave me be in order for us to both cool off from arguing. He followed me and kept banging on about what we were arguing about and I ignored him because I'd asked him countless times to leave me be because arguing is exhausting. He was standing about 2 metres away from me when he suddenly came out with 'Do you want me to smack you round the face?!' As he pointed to his fist.
A couple of years ago, he pushed me to the ground before which was a complete shock to me as although he was angry, it was completely out of nowhere. On this occasion, I was teasing him and he asked me three times to stop. I continued because i was just playing with him when he suddenly snapped and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground.

Today when he threatened me, i was so shaken up that I just burst into tears

Has anyone had any experiences like this before? can someone help me figure out how to leave with minimum damage?

OP posts:

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KittyVonCatsworth · 24/06/2018 23:25

Listen lovely. No one could tell me that when it happened that this was just a ‘one off’ I believed that we had a connection so deep that we could get through anything. I’m so sorry to say, you won’t. You won’t get through it. Physical violence might not happen again, or it might be him taking his anger out on a table or implying you made him do it. You’re probably the sweetest thing but I bet you’re walking on eggshells without the outlet to tell him how you feel out of fear of physical or emotional harm and the feeling of vulnerability but please, please, please go soon. Have a plan and stick with it. A man/woman/mineral or vegetable that has the ability to inflict fear on another person really doesn’t love you. Not because they don’t want to, they struggle to connect with anyone. You can’t fix that despite how much you want to xx

Please be safe xx

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 24/06/2018 23:34

His go to response is to push you down or threaten to smack you in the face. He probably sees it as you " asking for it" or "making him do it" and it's not acceptable!
It doesn't matter what you were arguing about, it's just not!
You can leave, or make him leave your home.
Do you rent, and is the tenancy in both names? Do you have children? Do you both have your own income? All that is relevant to your situation and what you do next.
Women's Aid can help and advise you, as can the CAB.
Help is available though, and you do NOT have to stay with him if you want to leave.

MissConductUS · 24/06/2018 23:34

Using or threatening violence is abusive.

Don't tease him, especially if he's asked you to stop.

TBH you two don't sound like a good match.

DanthewoMAN · 24/06/2018 23:47

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.
We own our home and we don't have children at the moment as were both fairly young. He and I both work full time so money is not particularly an issue for me currently.

OP posts:

Hannabee123 · 24/06/2018 23:53

Can you pack up and stay with a friend or relative? Walk somewhere safe and call women's aid they can offer advice and refuge. Please don't continue in this relationship no matter what he says to make up for what he's done. This isn't right. Call the helpline as soon as you can. If you begin to feel unsafe call the police!

DanthewoMAN · 25/06/2018 00:00

I'm staying in the spare room tonight and then hopefully in the morning when he's at work, I'll be able to leave the house without a fuss. If I leave now, he'll cry and apologise and make me feel so guilty even though I've done nothing wrong

OP posts:

BigGrannyPants · 25/06/2018 00:03

Your relationship sounds toxic and he is abusing you. Get out now and don't look back.

DayKay · 25/06/2018 00:05

Don’t have kids with this man as it will likely get worse.
Get out of this relationship.

Hannabee123 · 25/06/2018 00:10

Take everything you will need so that you do not have to go back to the house and face him. I will say it again please call women's aid they can do so much to help and understand. It will help put you back on track

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2018 03:11

My god, pack your bags and LEAVE. Right now. Thank the stars you don't have children with him. If you stay, you are choosing to be in an abusive, miserable relationship. You have your whole life ahead of you! Don't waste one more day.

Lizzy1980 · 25/06/2018 03:39

Think very carefully about how you feel right now. How upset you are and how frightened you felt when he said that to you.
When you leave he will no doubt try to talk you round. He'll apologise and promise you that it will never happen again. Either that or he will try to convince you that it was all your fault. That's when you need to remember how shit you feel now.
Please don't let this man do that to you again. You're young and self sufficient with no children. Your main priority is YOU.
Please look after yourself

Shumpalumpa · 25/06/2018 04:55

Don't tease him, especially if he's asked you to stop.

That almost sounds like victim blaming, MissConduit.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/06/2018 06:57

Well, you should tease anyone when they've asked you to stop. Stop first time.

Dan, you need to leave, and leave safely. If that's in the morning, then so be it.

You're not shackled to this man by way of children or financial dependence, so just go, go, go.

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/06/2018 06:58

shouldn't

Flutterbyeee · 25/06/2018 07:04

Don't ask for advice here. Really unbalanced advice. If it was a male friend you were antagonising would his reaction be "abuse"?

SadTrombone · 25/06/2018 07:09

@Flutterbyeee

"If it was a male friend you were antagonising would his reaction be "abuse"?"

If anyone shoves you to the ground, threatens to hit you etc. then yes- that's abuse. HTH.

Hannabee123 · 25/06/2018 07:09

^ fuck off she is more than welcome to ask advice. She's going through a bad time don't be an arsehole.

rollingonariver · 25/06/2018 07:20

Are you serious @Flutterbyeee ?! Man or woman physical violence is always wrong wtf.

adaline · 25/06/2018 07:23

Of course physical abuse is wrong but so so continuing to wind someone up when they've repeatedly asked you to stop.

The whole situation sounds toxic to me. Nobody here has said her husbands reactions are right but it's also not okay to wind someone up when they're not finding it funny and claim you're "just playing".

Raven88 · 25/06/2018 07:23

He didn't let you cool off, he followed you to the garden and he threatened you. What would of happened if you kept winding him up? I would leave.

I have a short fuse sometimes and DH knows how to wind me up if we are arguing. But I control it. I remember once I felt the anger building up and I wanted to throw the TV at him but I walked away and calmed myself down.

eggncress · 25/06/2018 07:38

@flutterbyee if anyone hits you or shoves you about for whatever reason, yes that’s abuse. There is no justification for it.
Not justifying OP teasing him when asked to stop either but showing his fist in anger and shoving her to the ground is unacceptable.
It’s a sign of worse to come if she stays with him. Leave him OP

DantheWOman · 25/06/2018 08:02

Thanks everyone for your different thoughts.

I know it was silly to keep winding him up but I was a bit younger then and more immature. For context what happened was he'd lost a game of cards and I was teasing him for it and that's when he snapped.

I'm hoping to travel to my sister's house later once he's gone to work. She's coming to pick me up

OP posts:

Hannabee123 · 25/06/2018 08:27

Good you don't deserve any of this. Start looking about for things to take with you to avoid going back or a family member if he's like that. Tell your sister everything. Don't give him any clues as to where you've gone

Flyme21 · 25/06/2018 08:32

How will this be in the future when you have children together? What will you feel when you know they are watching this violent dynamic? How do you think he'll treat them as they grow up and antagonise him as children always do? Think about that and it might give you an answer.

Heismyopendoor · 25/06/2018 08:37

Please stay safe. I agree with the others, things will only get worse.

Take everything you need with you, Bank details, passport, etc.

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