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AIBU?

he just announced he doesn't want anymore children?

104 replies

FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 17:10

Not really AIBU because I think my response is a pretty normal one. I'm due baby number 1 in November. We always talked about having two children, it was always the general consensus, so we could raise them together and they'd not be lonely or longing for another to play with evenings and weekends. DP has a daughter who is with us 6 nights a month (3 nights every other week) and one evening every other week after school.

He's just announced randomly that 1 more is enough and he doesn't want anymore after this one... I'm in shock! It's the first time he's ever said this, and to tell me before this baby is even born came as a massive surprise. I feel sad, that this will be my only pregnancy ever, it's made me feel really low and I feel a bit trapped.

How can I cope with this internally? I feel like it's ruining my pregnancy and my feelings towards DP.

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 17:29

Anyone else been in a similar position?

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 17:58

Nobody? Sad

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Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 24/06/2018 17:59

Has he said why?

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Hellywelly10 · 24/06/2018 18:00

My ex didnt want any more childern after dd. We split when she was 2.

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TTCI · 24/06/2018 18:00

Sorry I'm not in a similar situation (I am expecting my first) but didn't want to read and not say something. This is really disappointing and crap for you OP. And a bit frustrating as he could have mentioned that earlier. Thanks

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:01

@Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea no, when I asked him why the change of heart he just said 'I don't want any more now'

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Shinycat · 24/06/2018 18:01

No real advice for you sorry OP. I am sorry to hear that, and did you both say you were going to have more than one kid at any point?

You may be better reposting this on the 'relationships' board.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:01

Thanks @TTCI and massive congratulations Flowers

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shinycat · 24/06/2018 18:02

Sorry, I do see you agreed on 2 before.

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:02

@Shinycat beat you to it! I posted there instead. We both talked about it and decided we wanted at least two.

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Steeley113 · 24/06/2018 18:02

Mine said no more after our first. We’ve not long had our third Grin

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Notevenmyrealname · 24/06/2018 18:04

It might be a fear thing. Wait until the baby has been born and then ask him why. I wanted 3 but my husband said no more at two. I then fell pregnant unplanned (don’t ask how you can have an unplanned pregnancy when you’ve already had two - it’s not like we didn’t know where they coming from) but lost it at 6 weeks. After that though, he seemed to come round to the idea and I’m now pregnant with number 3 (planned this time). It’s a little insensitive for him to say it to you at this point when you’re so hormonal but maybe just wait and see how he feels in a month or two.

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:04

He's been worrying about money recently so that might be it, but we are both on just over 30k a year (each) and this will likely be more in the next few years. Our outgoings are minimal and we have no idea what our financial situation will be in the future. That's the only thing I can think of... he won't talk about it, he just changed his mind all of a sudden.

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:06

I just feel like it's such a shitty time to mention it!

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SlackerMum1 · 24/06/2018 18:06

To be honest I don’t think pregnancy/first year are really the time to worry about it! He may be feeling a bit overwhelmed about what’s to come.... when no.1 is the right age to start again, that’s the time for a serious conversation!

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KMoKMo · 24/06/2018 18:07

That seems really unfair and awful to be dropped on you at this time. I’d have been devastated.

Is he deadly serious? Now is probably not the time to discuss it but if it is a deal breaker for you would he really want to be separated from both his kids??

I’ll probably get flamed but if my DH had done this to me (and only you know exactly how the discussions of how many kids you wanted went) I’d seriously consider ending the relationship to give my child a sibling and using the above to convince him otherwise. IMO it’s awful of him to drop this in you without discussion.

Or you may yourself feel differently over time. Your child will still have a step sibling albeit a larger age gap than you may have liked.

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:10

@KMoKMo I agree to an extend. I just feel like I would've liked to have made a decision before. He even told me he wanted to have them within two years of each other so they were close in age. It wasn't just a half hearted conversation. I thought it was pretty much decided!

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FiveForTen · 24/06/2018 18:10

Extent

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mistermagpie · 24/06/2018 18:12

There isn't much you can do about it now really but I would have this baby, let the dust settle and then have another conversation to see where things stand. For now he might just be scared of what's to come, or maybe he has really changed his mind, but I wouldn't make any dramatic decisions or moves yourself while you are pregnant.

If he has decided no more, then you get to choose whether to continue the relationship or not. You might find that you only want one in the end, I thought I wanted three but now I have two I've changed my mind!

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Poptart4 · 24/06/2018 18:18

I think its really unfair and selfish that hes just decided this without having a conversation with you first. You need to sit him down and have an honest and frank talk. Explain how you feel about having another child and how upset you are that hes blindsided you after all the plans you've made.

He, of course, has every right not to have any children he doesn't want. But that doesn't mean he gets to decide for you too. Ultimately you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not? Can you see the relationship lasting if he doesn't change his mind?

My sister's boyfriend was very honest from the start that he only wanted 1 child but my sister thought he'd eventually change his mind. He didn't and they broke up after 8yrs together. It was a deal breaker for her and she now regrets staying so long.

This is not something you can compromise in. Your either want more children or your happy to have only the one.

Whatever you choose its not an easy decision to make and not one you have to make today or in the next 9 months. Just don't waste too much time if having a 2nd child is really important to you, you may miss your chance.

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NataliaOsipova · 24/06/2018 18:19

A friend of mine was in a similar position to you, although the step child was her own. Long story short - when their DD got to 18 months, it swung the other way! He was then desperate for another and she decided that the two she had were enough for her.

Give it time. You may feel differently in a year or so; so may he. Try not to worry too much in the meantime and enjoy your baby - congratulations!

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shitwithsugaron · 24/06/2018 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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TTCI · 24/06/2018 18:25

@FiveForTen Thank you, you aswell xx

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HidingFromDD · 24/06/2018 18:27

Honestly, I was your DP at 6 months pregnant with DD1. I had hyperemesis so badly I was offered a termination and was anxious and stressed all the way through the pregnancy. DD2 was born 22 months after DD1. I'd just let the dust settle a bit and enjoy this one before you think about number 2, it may be you that changes your mind!

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ConsistentInsomniac · 24/06/2018 18:28

My husband announced the same 3 months after our child was born. We'd always agreed prior to having no.1 was that we'd definitely have 2. It's been over two years now and he still hasn't changed his mind. I'm trying to come to terms with the family I'd always imagined for us not happening in the way I though we'd both wanted. I can empathise with you OP.

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