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To be upset with the constant praise DP gets?

(106 Posts)
Chocolateismyvice Sun 24-Jun-18 16:26:45

My DP is a wonderful man. He's patient, kind, hard working and caring. He's a very hands on father to our 15 month old, and helps around the house.

Everyone always raves about how fantastic he is. Most of the men in my family who are dad's are good but have always taken a step back, so in comparison, my DP is excellent.

Certain relatives keep harping on about great DP is and the sun basically shines out of his arse. He works 8.30-5.30 (home by 6). He baths DS 5 nights a week and puts him to bed, helps around the house, does drop offs to my mum a couple of days a week and has DS one day on the weekend when I'm in work.

What is grating on me though is the same people do say I'm a good mum but keep on and on about how wonderful DP and almost dismiss me and my contribution.

I work 3 days a week (7-2), I do most the 'proper' cleaning, most of the cooking, meal planning and shopping, take DS out to park/library/play group/etc. Now it works well, as I'm home more so can clean while DS is napping as I don't want to be cleaning at 9pm, we all eat as soon as DP gets in because of DS and I'm home in afternoons so do most of the cooking, DP cooks on a Saturday and alternative Sunday. I love cooking so don't mind doing most of it. I also bath DS twice a week and DP will do dishes, tidy, flick the hoover around,, etc. All in all, theres a good balance, we both chip and work as a team.

Yet, a lot of my relatives and DPs parents don't shut up about how wonderful he is and how much he does. And "DP is home soon/off the weekend so you'll get a nice break" hmm I just feel like screaming, no I don't. I do the jobs I can't do with a very busy and active toddler, or I work at the weekend so no, I don't have a break. We both chip in around the house and with DS.

AIBU to be get annoyed at the constant praise DP receives just because he's a man whilst my efforts to be forgotten because I'm a woman/mother and it's expected?

Don't get me wrong, yes he is a lovely person and I'm lucky to have him but he's also lucky to have me (to be fair, he says it often) and we BOTH work fucking hard. I'm probably being sensitive but it's really getting to me at the moment.angry

Beaverhausen Sun 24-Jun-18 16:29:38

You know what there is one thing I always teach my daughter be happy for others. Because no doubt you are the jewel in his crown, you yourself has said he is a wonderful father and husband. So be proud of the fact that you have a partner who others aspire to be.

DragonMummy1418 Sun 24-Jun-18 16:34:25

Urgh my mother was like this, she thought I was very lucky to have DH 🙄
It wasn't until we went NC (not about that!) and slowly began to talk again that she stopped it.
I'd just be blunt about it...
yes he is great, so am I, we're a good team. Change the subject.

BoobleMcB Sun 24-Jun-18 16:34:46

Is DS not at school at 5?

Bluebell878275 Sun 24-Jun-18 16:36:19

So he works full-time and still pulls his weight with child/house care..some blokes can't win.

BoobleMcB Sun 24-Jun-18 16:37:08

Sorry, missed the 15mnth old bit.

I think you need to get over it though tbh. He does sound like he does a LOT. Why wouldn't you be proud to have him? I don't think it takes away anything that you do, but letting this become negative will affect your relationship and that will be down to you

SoyDora Sun 24-Jun-18 16:37:29

Her DS is 15 months confused

Unicornandbows Sun 24-Jun-18 16:38:04

I would be proud of this.. Not jealous..

restingbemusedface Sun 24-Jun-18 16:38:18

This is a classic case of everyday sexism. Men who lift a finger around the house are praised as being heroes, whereas it’s completely expected of women.

When my twins were born and I was stuck at home breastfeeding/tearing my hair out with a colicky twin/cleaning & cooking and trying to survive my MIL would say how ‘lucky’ I was to have DP who would give the babies a bath when he got home from work. It used to drive me nuts as I got no praise for keeping 2 tiny humans alive!

Chocolateismyvice Sun 24-Jun-18 16:38:26

@Beaver I AM proud/grateful to be with such a lovely person but it's the female relatives who go on ENDLESSLY about him and bypass all of my hardwork and contributions just because I'm a woman. It's annoying.

pinkbobbles Sun 24-Jun-18 16:39:04

The DS is 15 months.

He does do a lot from the sounds of things.

MoonFacesMum Sun 24-Jun-18 16:39:06

I don’t know if YABU or not but I feel the same.

My DH does most (not all) of the cooking and is also very hands on. But all home organisation, all cleaning, getting kids ready for school, food shopping, laundry is for me to think about. He will do absolutely anything I ask, when I was poorly in the first trimester I would tell him what to clean/wash and he’d do it happily, no questions. But I do feel my contribution is ignored. It’s frustrating. I work three days a week, long hours, do all of the above and am carrying his third child, but that is pretty unseen compared to him doing the cooking and caring for his children when he’s not at work.

MissVanjie Sun 24-Jun-18 16:40:00

the ds is 15mo not 5

and seriously, that is what you got from this post?

op I feel you

I would start sharing man who has it all memes and try and laugh about it

my friend has a similar set up and she just posts pictures of herself drinking wine or going to the gym all the time to wind people up

Hassled Sun 24-Jun-18 16:40:59

What matters most is whether your DP values you and appreciates you, not what other people think.

I do get why you're cross though. When DH and I got together I heard an awful lot about how good he was taking me and my kids on and I was thinking "actually, me and my kids are being bloody good taking him on" - the assumption I needed rescuing was galling.

SoyDora Sun 24-Jun-18 16:41:02

I have similar with my in laws. They’re always going on about how lucky I am to have DH, how much he does etc. He is great, and I am lucky to have him, but I feel like it belittles my contribution to our family. I’m never told I’m a good mother, or that I do a good job with anyway. They probably don’t think I am a good mum 🤷🏻‍♀️, who knows.

MoonFacesMum Sun 24-Jun-18 16:41:32

I am proud of my DH. It would be nice to hear what a good team we make, rather than hows life is easy for me because he actually contributes to home life.

Bluebell878275 Sun 24-Jun-18 16:41:39

It's not 'just because you are a woman'. Presumably you are the one out of the two of you to be at home more often? It's now your job to take on most of that work. It's great that your partner (male or female) still pulls their weight despite working full-time. You are looking for sexism there.

ScipioAfricanus Sun 24-Jun-18 16:42:51

No, I get it, you are grateful and you so appreciate him but he gets praised massively by everyone for it (as so many men do less than they should), so much so that it sort of implies that you aren’t doing enough or aren’t grateful enough - either way that you aren’t worthy of praise for your half.

I often praise my DH to himself or others (he does loads) but when he is praised loads back to me it can irritate me a bit!

I think you are right - women doing what they should (or more) is often not noticed or remarked upon, because it’s more common. I would just keep quiet though, because in the end you win: he’s happy for being praised, they’re happy for being nice to him, and you get to have a partner who isn’t a hopeless waste of space.

FluffyPancakes Sun 24-Jun-18 16:43:12

The thing is people don't tend to say this directly to the person in question - so maybe lots of people are saying it to him about you, too!

ChickenOrEgg6 Sun 24-Jun-18 16:43:12

YANBU.
Bluebell878275
I don't know why you're saying he can't win.
Op is happy with him and his contribution by the sounds of it.
Op is unhappy with every tom dick and harry praising him like he's a god and well OP just does it because she's a woman so who needs to praise her?
I don't think either of you are praiseworthy (sorry OP) you're just good parents working things out in the ways that suit you and that's great. So I'm baffled as to why he is constantly praised by your family

Mollie85 Sun 24-Jun-18 16:43:15

I can see why that would be annoying, but, it’s not a competition. You have a hands on partner and lovely DC, you have lots.

Next time, agree. “Yes you’re right; we’re a good team together”.

That way you’re agreeing (because you clearly do) and you’re also reminding them that you’re also part of it all grin

Chocolateismyvice Sun 24-Jun-18 16:44:36

Okay I'm probably not explaining myself very well. Yes I am very happy to have DP and there's no resentment between us. He always tells me I'm a wonderful mum. I'm saying I'm sick of family worshipping DP just coz he mucks in with our son and the house whilst working 'just because he's a man's whereas my efforts (also working, most the housework, being a good mum) just because I'm a woman. It's like I should be kissing his arse just for contributing to the household and DS. I'm sick of hearing about it.

Flowerpotbicycle Sun 24-Jun-18 16:44:46

The sad fact is that it takes very little to be considered a good father, and very little to be considered a bad mother.
It’s like single mums... they do everything and are rarely praised, yet single dads are revered as gods “wow he’s an amazing parent”. No they’re just parents like the rest of us!
It’s a sad reflection of how low the expectations of fathers are. When one is simply pulling his own weight in regards to parenting they’re seen as phenomenal rather than just doing their duty like mothers do

Pebblespony Sun 24-Jun-18 16:45:36

I pull my DM up on this kind of thing all the tome but tbh, it's a nice problem to have.

Pebblespony Sun 24-Jun-18 16:45:50

*time

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