To be fed up (Crap behaviour from other people's kids...)

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

So dd had a friend (1)over today.

Played out lots, great time making lots of crafts etc

Girl (2) next door arrives- of course I invite her over as I'd never have a kid left out. Within 30 mins DD is totally left out and the 2 girls are whispering between themselves.

Not long after girl 1 made excuses to go home and they are now both playing in girl 1's garden and DD is gutted.

They've used up all of her specialist craft gear and she's been left feeling bitter that she was having such a nice time but has just been dropped so quickly.

Also when these girls play in girl 2's garden they (nor the parents) ever invite DD over.

So AIBU to be pissed off that DD is now feeling teary on what was a lovely day? (And that this isn't the first time either.)

[YouTheCat]

How old is your dd?

[LilacIris]

YANBU but as this isn’t the first time and your DD is never invited next door, I wouldn’t have invited her in the first place.

How old are they all? Could you not have intervened when they were in your garden and excluding your DD?

[ApproachingATunnel]

No, yanbu. How old is dd? Could you have intervened before whispering etc started?
Parents of these 2 girls might be completely oblivious.
We invite neighbour’s kids over however my child never gets invited to theirs. Don’t know why but they all get along well and it’s only me who’s annoyed/hurt by it so i can live with it.
Depending on the age perhaps you could teach the other girls to be a bit kinder to yours.

[CloudCaptain]

They don't sound like friends to your dd. I wouldn't invite ndn over again.

[Mookatron]

It's hard, isn't it. All you can do is distract your Dd with another activity and next time don't let the other girl come round - and tell her why.

[Sundance65]

Have to say we have had the 2's company 3's a crowd situation like you describe so often we simply only ever have 1 child over at a time or loads.

Neighbours child is often left out in these situations but when she has a friend round we do not let our child go round even when asked for the same reason - it ends badly.

[Nanny0gg]

All you can do is distract your Dd with another activity and next time don't let the other girl come round - and tell her why.

^^This

[UpstartCrow]

Treat your DD, and replace her craft gear as she was kind enough to share it.
She has better values than the other 2. That doesn't mean she will be treated any better by other people, so there should be a reward from you.

[Hassled]

There's something about groups of three girls which seldom ends well - one of them (and they can take it in turns to be the one) is always the girl on the outside. I haven't observed it in boys so much . I can see why you're pissed off.

[ShadowHuntress]

Hassled
I agree. Not just in girls, but women too. I’ve been in lots of groups of 3 over the years that didn’t make it very far!

[FluffyPancakes]

There are certain friends of my kids who I never invite at the same time as the balance goes out, or a couple of them side against others. Certain personalities just don't seem to mix together and 3 always seems to be a dodgy number anyway. I would invite the first friend over again (maybe take them away from the house, bowling or something?) and make sure the NDN isn't invited next time.

[daffodillament]

What a pair of cows ! Just try to distract dd and don't bother inviting them again. Has dd got other friends in school ? Maybe arrange something nice for next week with someone else and something for her to look forward to.

[MeMyShelfandIkea]

Girl (2) next door arrives- of course I invite her over as I'd never have a kid left out

But you knew from previous experience it'd end in tears for someone - either through DD being excluded or girl 2 not being invited - but you chose to risk your DD being upset rather than saying no to Girl 2? Sorry but you brought this situation upon your daughter yourself, don't say yes to this girl again!

[BlankTimes]

Girl (2) next door arrives- of course I invite her over as I'd never have a kid left out. Within 30 mins DD is totally left out and the 2 girls are whispering between themselves

Next time, say
I'm sorry, we're just going out to ...... see you another time
I'm sorry, we've just set up something and it's just for the two of them, so see you another time.

I know you don't want to exclude anyone, but when you include girl 2 then girl 1 and 2 Wendy your daughter in her own house, it's not on.

As you say, it's not the first time. Can your daughter make other friends who won't treat her like this?

[VladmirsPoutine]

How old are the girls?

[FizzyGreenWater]

Yep, next time be happy to leave a kid out!

'Sorry Wendlet, DD has a friend over at the moment so let's play another day when you two can do something special together'

'Sorry Wendlet, DD is hosting at the moment so we are busy.'

[FizzyGreenWater]

oh and as for ages, I've seen the same play out from my 4 year old's group of friends, right up to the teenage years. I don't stand for it any more and yes, I avoid groups of three for play dates.

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

They're 8. So old enough to know when they're being mean.

I did hover a bit to try and encourage something a bit more inclusive for the three but I can't supervise their play- as much as I want to intervene I can't get too involved.

If DD had a friend from school over or whatnot I wouldn't have a problem saying "Sorry DD is busy", it's literally the fact that they are all neighbours and so it's impossible to notice when mine is the one that isn't included.

I guess I make a point of being inclusive so that they and their parents get the hint- but clearly it's not working. There's a club that all the local kids go to and if I'm not working I'll walk all the kids up and back- but if I'm not home then they all walk up together and don't bother coming in for DD.

Yet when 1 or 2 isn't around they are more than happy to play with DD and are desperate to come over. I hate the double standards and the fact that the parents are complicit.

DD is a popular little girl otherwise and has lots of other friends- but these are the ones that live on her street. I guess it just means a summer of me making arrangements!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

They're 8. So old enough to know when they're being mean. Yes, but at that age they feel justified in being mean. They know the excluded girl is feeling sad but it's "her fault" for not being someone they want to play with at that moment.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

2 is company and 3 is a crowd especially among girls and It always seems to be "your poor gobshite" thats the crowd.
I'd only have one overy next time. You know what they say about no good deed going unpunished.

[Mookatron]

Even if it's the parents' fault (and I'm sure it is, we all know some people think it's fine to exclude others) you can only deal with it in a way you think fair for your daughter and true to your own values. So you can exclude one when the other is playing a yours because you know what happens. You'll never change the parents. But you can be as inclusive as you can because you think it's the right think to do - but not at the expense of your daughter's happiness (I have learned this the hard way too).

[TrollTheRespawnJeremy]

I'm just going to keep a full house all summer so that DD doesn't feel that she has to play with them and also my house is too busy for extras

[VioletCharlotte]

God, this takes me back to my own primary school days. I was your daughter Kids can be so mean. I'd do your best to encourage your DD to make other friends and leave these two to it.

[AgentCooper]

Me too VioletCharlotte I was in a group of 3 girls at primary school and it was always me who ended up left out. I honestly wonder how children can do that without feeling guilty!

I would definitely say you're right in wanting to fill your house with DD's proper friends over the summer, Troll.

[Jamiefraserskilt]

Same thing used to happen to mine. My ds playing with child 1 and knock at the door. Once child 2 was let in to join in once and promptly pissed off elsewhere with child 1 leaving my lad at home wondering what happened. After that if child 2 knocked for either I would say they were busy.
Nasty little shits.