To ask for reassurance that I'm not in the wrong?

[NomsQualityStreets]

I'm the op who's OH fell out with my DP(arents).

Ongoing saga I know, if you want to rip into me just please don't bother posting - I come to this forum to get a bit of support, advice and different perspectives from posters as it helps me continuously work on asserting myself in this situation.

Everything has been pretty calm recently, then a couple of days ago I received a call from my DF, he told me he has been in the hospital for the past 3 days due to an accident that happened when he was at work. He asked DM not to call me as he didn't want to worry me, he's doing ok and is just due back for a checkup next week. I asked all about it, how he's feeling, generally asked about hospital stay and any follow ups etc
Then DF switched the subject onto the situation between them and OH, he said that he was thinking whilst he was at the hospital and he feels it's not worth falling out with people/not talking as you never know what happens tomorrow etc and started asking about it and saying how the situation needs fixing.
I said that its not down to me and it's not for me to fix. I also said its not that simple as certain situations are quite toxic and not right - as examples I gave DM sending me texts ranting about something that never even happened 2days before I was due to give birth, DF and DM getting drunk and arguing and DF punching a hole in the wall, another argument between drunk DPs where DM actually physically attacked DF and they then covered it up.
I didn't have a go at him and the conversation was very calm and laid back, I just pointed out that it's not right and that's not what happens in every household, I asked if everything was ok between them and DF said something along the lines of "well me and your DM are just crazy/emotional like that". The conversation switched to something else and we left it on a normal note.

Yesterday I received texts from my DM saying (sarcastically) "it's great that you took an interest in DF" and "you just went on at him, have a think about what you're saying". I didn't reply, later on at night I got a text from DBro basically asking me to not say anything to my DF about DM as she's been drunk all day and crying about how she's "toxic" and that he's sick of it (DBro). I cleared it up with him and said that I didn't say that DM is toxic but that the situations they create are toxic and aren't ok - he agrees.
I did not bother to get in touch or reply to DMs texts as I feel it wouldn't get me anywhere and anything I'd say would just get turned around as ammunition. Plus I won't be getting involved in arguments with drunk people.
I'd like to think that if I was in DMs position I would pick up the phone and call to clarify the situation or at least talk about it, not get blind drunk and fire off random texts. I'm really tired of it and I certainly won't be chasing after her to explain myself or clear up exactly what was said since she seems to have the wrong end of the stick.
I'm questioning myself and wondering if I said or did something horribly wrong and am I an awful daughter but at the same time I feel like I've been censoring myself all this time and I don't feel like I said anything deliberately hurtful or extremely offensive, I was simply replying to my DF about my thoughts on a part of the situation.
OH pointed out that the comment about me not caring about my DF was maybe because I didn't go over to see him but I don't feel it was urgent to go visit as they didn't think it important to let me know he was admitted to the hospital (If I would have known I would have made it a priority to go and see him there) and he only called me after getting out to say that everything is ok so what was I supposed to do after the fact?

So can I just get some insight on wether IBU? I keep questioning myself on what I said and did and I don't know what to think anymore.

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

The amount of abbreviations people use on here really stresses me out. 'DM DF DP HFDY KHVFDTHBJ'

For fucks sake, why do people do it!

[2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney]

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I hope others come on to tell you so instead of just a twat complaining about abbreviations .

[SoyDora]

The amount of abbreviations people use on here really stresses me out. 'DM DF DP HFDY KHVFDTHBJ'

Useful contribution .

OP I have read many of your threads. Your parents are toxic. In many, many ways. If I was you I would reduce contact as much as possible.

[Knittedfairies]

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You didn’t visit your dad in hospital because you didn’t know he was there/nobody bothered to tell you. You and your brother both agree that the situation your parent/s create can be toxic - you can’t both be wrong. And, if you take nothing else from my post, heed this; you can’t reason or argue with a drunk and it is futile to try.

[Galaxyfarfaraway]

Wrote a long post but lost it.
Short version. You know your parents are idiots and you really do need to work on your self esteem/assertiveness otherwise your husband and now brother will get very fed up with you. They are being dragged into these situations because you won't stand up for yourself.

[RedFin]

I only got to the bit where your mum started on at you for having a go at your dad when that's not what happened.

I don't know your full story but if I were you I'd follow your DH's example and go NC with your parents

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

You know what? Why actually bother? They are awful. They bring nothing good to your life. Cut them loose.
ItDoes... you do know that man actively encourage abbreviations? There's even a list. But that was singularly the most unhelpful, pointless post ever.

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

It was, you're right, I know. I just really felt like saying it because it's bloody stupid putting D in front of everything.

I actually do usually give very good advice.

Anyway OP - I genuinely hope you sort out your family affairs. All the best 👍🏻

[Wildlingofthewest]

Your parents are idiots.
Why are you even still bothering with them?!
Cut contact or at the very least reduce it to the absolute minimum.
This will never end, there will always be drama and nonsense like this going on. It’s pointless.
Cut them off and and get on with your life

[NomsQualityStreets]

The thing is I keep wondering if I should have taken a bigger interest in my DF and asked to come over when he told me but then another part of me wonders what difference would it have made?
He's been discharged, on the mend and just has a follow up - if it was so urgent they would have rang me when he was at the hospital surely? And I would have 100% been there.
And if it really was so serious and they decided not to call then I don't know what to think to that?

[KittyHawke80]

ItDoesMyHeadIn - I’m inclined to agree about the ‘D’ nonsense. I think the abbreviations are (mostly) quite useful, though.

[Wildlingofthewest]

You didn’t do anything wrong.
They would (and will continue to) find fault/take issue with everything you do/say - you can’t win here. God knows why, but that’s how it appears.
That’s why I’ve advised just to leave them to it and crack on with your own life. Your going to be forever going around in circles with them regardless of the situation. What did I do wrong? What did I say? Why are they upset? What should I do now?

[MariaMadita]

I have not read any of your other threads.

But from what I've just read? YANBU at all.

The thing is I keep wondering if I should have taken a bigger interest in my DF and asked to come over when he told me but then another part of me wonders what difference would it have made?

No. When you were told about the accident he was already doing better. And it was his choice to tell you later...

[Brunsdon1]

OP it sounds possibly like your DF may have taken some of what you said on board ,spoke to Dm about what had been said and she promptly twisted it and made it about her and drama

Narcissism often cause that sort if dynamic (not sure DF doesn't have culpability as well)

But it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, you were polite enquired about how he was and politely and clearly set boundaries,I think you handled it well

Also agree with you not responding to your mum..shes looking for a row...don't buy into it

[Extravagant]

It’s difficult not to feel guilty and cut them loose when they are your parents. But they sound like they are having a very negative effect on your life and life’s too short to put up with all that. If they could be persuaded to seek help for their drinking, they may become nicer people and worth keeping in contact with.

[Thehop]

YANBU at all

Good luck xx

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

You know that there is a pattern here, don't you? And it never ends well. Break the cycle. No good ever comes from increased contact with them and you really can reduce your stress by reducing contact.

[mumofmany81]

I've not read everyone else's replies as the kids are nagging me to read to them lol. I just wanted to offer support and a virtual hug. I've not read any of your other threads so I don't know the back story to it but from reading this it sounds as though your parents (well specifically your mother) have a problem with alcohol. Having lived with an alcoholic mother years ago I know how hard it can be. They have this way of thinking that you're judging them for their behaviour and will launch into some defensive rant about how you're the one who is in the wrong. You can never win that argument so I think you're probably right in ignoring your mother since no good can come from arguing with her. My mother has been dry now for 11 years and is completely

[mumofmany81]

Grr the app posted before I was ready. I was saying that my mum is completely ashamed now by her behaviour at the time. However, she says that she does still see it as me having a go at her when she looks back at some of our biggest arguments. She says she knows rationally that I'm telling her the truth about what happened but that her brain forces her to still remember it differently. The more I speak to those with alcoholic parents the more I see the same pattern of behaviour amongst them all. Not sure what we can do to help but sometimes it's just helpful to know you're not alone or in your case to just be reassured that you're not unreasonable. Xx

[NomsQualityStreets]

Thank you for the replies.

Going NC isn't really an option as that would effectively alienate me from my extended family who live abroad. They don't understand the whole situation as they're very much "families stick together no matter what" and I don't want to loose that part of my family.

Kind of hijacking my own thread here but question - should I get in contact with DM and explain she got the wrong end of the stick and clarify what I said to DF since it seemed to have all been twisted to her or do I just leave it alone and wait for her/them to get in touch?

I usually see them once a week and they let me know what day etc but I'm not sure what to expect and how to react if they just want me to come over.

[Wildlingofthewest]

Your mum is being completely unreasonable. There’s no point in contacting her to try to explain - she’s not going to listen and she will just turn it on you, and more drama will ensue.
This is a pattern- you must see it?
You don’t need your parents to have relationships with your other family members. You can’t carry on like this forever more - life is too short, stop wasting it on people who are causing you nothing but grief!

[NomsQualityStreets]

Well to anyone interested here's an update:
There was no more contact apart from the texts I mentioned in my op. Today I got a completely casual call from DF asking if I'm coming over tomorrow as usual, I said I don't know as no one let me know when DMs off I just got texts from her on Saturday. DF didn't know anything about the texts and asked about them and I ran him through what she said. He explained that it's a good thing I brought it up because they've talked it all over now and that I know that they talk about everything but that DM just got into her head that she was called toxic.
I told him that that's doesn't work. If every mature conversation I have with them or any time I express any opinions I'm met with this sort of reaction I just won't talk or discuss anything with them anymore. I also pointed out that I wasn't insulting anyone, shouting or having a go at anything but having a normal, civil adult conversation where I expressed opinions and replied to questions DF asked as he was the one who broached the subject.
And clarified that I didn't call anyone specifically toxic or singled DM out in any way, I said that the situations they were creating are often toxic/not right. And also mentioned that I won't ever be replying to texts like that.
He agreed with me and said to not reply, and that him and DM have talked things through and that its all sorted and by all means I should express my opinions.
He asked if I would still come over tomorrow and I agreed to visit but I will be having my guard up.

I know to pps it might not seem like much but at least I feel like I can assert myself to some extent and I'm constantly making small steps towards being more sure of myself.

[longwayoff]

Clearly your family needs everyday drama to make their lives bearable. They feed off one another's excitement and adrenalin and thrive on it. You don't. Stop explaining yourself and suggesting reasonable solutions. Dont take part in it. 'Gotta go now, bye' at the beginning of each of these episodes will make you feel much better.