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AIBU?

He told me to move out of my family home.

44 replies

Dinoraw · 23/06/2018 21:34

I have two under two at the moment. The youngest is all me and the oldest is all her dad. Anyway, he was gaming (as usual) and they were both screaming at me. Now I have a really bad migraine and an auto immune disease that's currently flared up hugely, I'm struggling. I do all the house work. I get no help. Some days he won't change a single nappy. Waste of space, yeah? Its been getting worse. So my children were both crying and their needs are worlds apart entirely. (youngest 10 weeks old) so I have to tend at one at a time. I asked him to read our oldest a story to get her ready for bed and I got "in a min" while he played his games. So I shouted (I shouldn't have. I'm a terrible mother) at my daughter because it was a temper tantrum and she had hit her brother. An anyway, I lost my temper and dp was screaming at me for something and I told him to shut up essentially. My migraine is killing me, I'm sick and I'm tired and I'm struggling. So he told me to move out of my family home I'm renting!
I took ds upstairs as he was being horrible to him, not comforting him while I bathed dd etc and I settled him down for the night and I attempted to take the oldest to put to bed. He wouldn't give her. Since then dp has been in and out telling me I'm in the wrong and I need to apologise for snapping but do I really?
I get no financial support.
Not much support with the kids.
He leaves me to struggle picking up after him. If I ask him to do something, he never does. I have to wait 7 working days.

An to top it off, it's our anniversary today. The plan we had went out of the window because I'm sick of his shit now.

Recently I've discovered some of my worth back and some lust for life. I've applied to do a course with Open University to better myself and my life for my kids. I'm sick of having to sell all my jewellery and keepsakes to pay rent. I don't want this for my kids and I've lost everything. But I've seen the light now and seen who he really is. A leach and a burden.
I can't help but feel sorry for him for his turbulent childhood but I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do as he will be homeless and I don't want that for him. But I can't be with him.

Any advice on how to go about this? It's breaking my heart but for my sanity, I can't go on. For my kids futures I can't go on.

OP posts:
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Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 23/06/2018 22:46

Bless you. First of all I think you need to sit down with him and give him an ultimatum. He needs to pull his weight. They are his kids too and by the sound of it you get no switch off time at all while he on the other hand plays games.
How would you feel about going out for a full morning or afternoon so he can see just how hard it is with two kids? Would this make him appreciate more what you do? It sounds as though you are growing to resent him and tbh I'm not surprised. Relationships should be equal x

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Buggeredpelvicfloor2013 · 23/06/2018 22:48

And don't let him guilt trip you with his bad childhood. Mine was shit but I still manage to be a mum to my babies and hold down a decent job. Those excuses are just that, excuses. X

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ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 23/06/2018 22:51

You have my first LTB.

Really sorry, I don't have any practical advice. Hopefully someone more helpful will be along in a minute

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pacempercutiens · 23/06/2018 22:56

He told you to move out? With the DC?
Are you renting in your name or joint names?

It sounds like he's borderline being emotionally abusive, which is not OK.

Don't leave him alone with your DC unless you are sure he will keep them safe.

My DH went that kind of direction after our DD, I spoke to him about it but now DD is 8 months old and he has improved. I just had to do it one step at a time - the starting step being no gaming unless DD is asleep/out.

I hope you work everything out, for your and your DCs sakes Flowers

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Whatshallidonowpeople · 23/06/2018 23:22

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condepetie · 23/06/2018 23:22

The first question is, is it your name, his name, or both in the rental agreement?

Does he work? Does he help you in any way with your children? Does he actually contribute anything to your life, or the life of the two kids?

If you're paying the rent, then he is the one who needs to go. Is it a council property? If so, contact them right away if you're serious about leaving him.

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condepetie · 23/06/2018 23:23

It's your "family home". Who are you renting it from? Your family? His? What gives him the right to tell you to leave?

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Helpsomeone · 23/06/2018 23:28

Presumably he's always been like this and yet you had, not one, but 2 kids with him. And now you are moaning?

Grin yep, we all have a crystal fucking ball!! Hmm

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Clairetree1 · 23/06/2018 23:30

are they his children?

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Noqont · 23/06/2018 23:34

Op, your life will be so much more peaceful without him.

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Noqont · 23/06/2018 23:36

Presumably he's always been like this and yet you had, not one, but 2 kids with him. And now you are moaning?

There's always one twat on a thread like this. Have a 🏅, as that twat is you.

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Mookie81 · 23/06/2018 23:37

@Helpsomeone the first kid was the Crystal ball! Hmm

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Helpsomeone · 23/06/2018 23:46

@Mookie81 obviously not! Remember, we only get a snapshot, this is op’s real life!

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KickAssAngel · 23/06/2018 23:50

So - you get no financial support & have to sell things to cover the rent? That's financial abuse.

If you have a 10 week old I presume you're not working - so he should be paying for everything right now to support you and the kids.

Decide whether you want to live like this or not, then act on it.

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HeddaGarbled · 24/06/2018 00:01

You have got a lot to sort out and deal with and your partner is clearly a shit.

It might be helpful to cut through some of the drama and try and be a bit calm and logical, so I’m going to do this in the order of your post.

Saying that your youngest is all you and your oldest is all her dad is dangerous territory. Your youngest is a baby. Your oldest is a toddler. Their personalities and needs are different and emerging and will develop over the years. Please, please don’t make these comparisons. Your oldest has bits of you, bits of him and bits that will be unique to her. If she’s going through a difficult stage, it’s because she’s a toddler, not because she’s inherited your partner’s difficult personality.

Shouting at your child once when you are at the end of your tether does not make you a terrible mother. I’ve done it. He, however, is clearly a terrible father and partner.

No, you don’t need to apologise.

I’m not clear on the housing situation. You rent, I get. But it belongs to your family? And you pay the rent yourself with no contribution from your partner? So you can legally kick him out and won’t be any worse off financially? And actually might be better off financially because he’ll have to pay maintenance for the children? Or, he isn’t working, so you won’t get any maintenance?

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Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 24/06/2018 00:02

Was he helpful when you only had one child? Is this a recent change to his behaviour?

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AcrossthePond55 · 24/06/2018 00:17

First, are you married? Second, whose name is on the rental contract? Third, are you ready to kick his sorry ass out?

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bumbleboots · 24/06/2018 00:35

I think you should probably shelve the OU course until things are a bit more manageable. Degrees are quite demanding.

Gamers are quite hard work too as there sometimes seems to be a level of addiction in the compulsion to game. If he doesn't put it down to help with the kids then that is a bad indicator. It sounds like he should be contributing more financially.

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Jux · 24/06/2018 00:56

You're not happy in this relationship.
You get no practical help.
You get no financial help.

Kick out this cocklodger. If you 're the one pay8ng the rent and if the rental agreement is on your name, then it should be (legally) pretty straightforward. He will resist, but be firm. If he becomes difficult see a solicitor about how to force him to leave. If he's likely to become violent, call the police and ask for help to get your violent ex out.

Good luck.

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Dinoraw · 24/06/2018 19:30

Hey all, yes I rent from family but there are no special agreements and it's a proper tenancy agreement. I don't pay my rent, I get evicted that sort of this. Both our names on the agreement. We were engaged. For the past few weeks I feel like there's no point to. On jsa so doesn't really contribute so I'm barely getting by. I'm ready. Just don't know how to go about it. His family pressure me all the damn time about him "oh don't leave him type of thing" which is a hassle I don't need so I need to do it as privately as possible. We spoke last night and I told him it wasn't going anywhere and I was fed up of him and wanted him to leave. He won't leave

OP posts:
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ChasedByBees · 24/06/2018 19:32

Can you take legal steps to remove him? I’m not sure what they are but worth investigating.

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sexnotgender · 24/06/2018 19:34

As you rent from family can they make him leave? He sounds like an arsehole and you'd be better off on your own.

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Imelda03 · 24/06/2018 19:37

Sorry I may have read wrong but did you say he was being horrible to the youngest (10 weeks old)? That for me aside from everything else would be a red flag and I'd be gone. Please get some help and support ro leave, he sounds abusive and controlling as well as lazy.

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placebobebo · 24/06/2018 19:42

You rent from family so it will be easier to change the agreement to in your name only.
The only reason his family are pressuring you not to leave him is because they don't want him pitching up on their doorstep. They want you as a buffer for his shit behaviour.

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rollingonariver · 24/06/2018 19:42

Can you go to a woman's shelter?

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