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AIBU?

To not want to be friends with my transgender friend?

77 replies

birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 19:58

When he was a man he was the loveliest, kindest and most thoughtful of men. Very self afacing and a devoted husband and father to 3 lovely children.

Since ‘coming out’ and dressing as a woman with all the attendant hormone treatment, hair extensions and so on she has become selfish and self centred. When we go out for a walk in the park she wears flashy clothes and killer heels and looks out of place. She would look nice in much more dressed down clothes and better as a woman but it’s all about the heels and showing cleavage.

The devastation to her wife and son in particular has been shattering yet she takes no responsibility and blames her wife for turning the children against her. No mention of her wife living a lie for all those years. She goes on dating websites all done up and is getting lots of dubious attention. She wants me to go out partying half the week despite having children and a DH and having outgrown that lifestyle

I supported her at first and have no issues at all with LGBT people, but I really can’t handle this, but if I walk away she will have very few old friends left and hasn’t made new ones yet. She has already lost a lot of her old friends because of the selfishness and not the transgenderism, as well as her wife and kids.

OP posts:
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AfterSchoolWorry · 23/06/2018 20:00

Sounds like a twat. If she has no friends that's her own fault.

You reap what you sow. I'd have no compunction about dropping her.

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JenBarber · 23/06/2018 20:02

YANB for not wanting to be friends with someone self-centred.

Bit mean to drop drop her because of her clothes.

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JontyDoggle37 · 23/06/2018 20:02

Just because someone is transgender, it doesn’t stop them being a wanker. You can not like them because they’re a wanker, regardless of their gender selection. Friends are people you want to be around. If you don’t want to be around ‘her’, then don’t.

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Shumpalumpa · 23/06/2018 20:02

but if I walk away she will have very few old friends left and hasn’t made new ones yet.

Not your problem. No one is owed friendship.

If the friendship is no longer working for you then YANBU for distancing yourself.

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CarbonatedBeverageFiend · 23/06/2018 20:03

If your not enjoying her company then drop her and explain why.

Your not dropping her because she’s trans, your dropping her as she’s behaving like a twat

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wouldyoujudgeme · 23/06/2018 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soapboxqueen · 23/06/2018 20:05

If they are being a twat, drop them.

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JenBarber · 23/06/2018 20:06

I did have a mate who's personality changed when he came out as gay. Voice, mannerisms, everything.

I guess it does happen.

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SecretNutellaFix · 23/06/2018 20:06

Lets just take the trans element out of it.

Would you be wanting to walk away from the friendship if your friend was doing this in his original gender?

You are not responsible for his happiness nor do you have to facilitate his social life to the detriment of your family existence. If the behaviour being exhibited are not acceptable to you, then it's ok to walk away.

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CantankerousCamel · 23/06/2018 20:07

I... I couldn’t

I had a friend who started busking in French maids outfits (rather than regular clothes) and generally making a tit out of himself

I had to unhitch my wagon but mostly because our political view last were incompatible. He believed he was a woman because he didn’t feel like a man.

That’s not what being a woman is for me

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iamawoman · 23/06/2018 20:08

I would try and have an honest talk with them...it seems strange they were a nice person before and not now ..maybe the hormones are having an adverse effect?

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greendale17 · 23/06/2018 20:10

The devastation to her wife and son in particular has been shattering yet she takes no responsibility and blames her wife for turning the children against her. No mention of her wife living a lie for all those years.

^This alone would make me cut all contact. Why would you still be friends with someone like that?

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birdonawire1 · 23/06/2018 20:11

Wouldyou. Yes. I’ve known her for 10 years and he was a wonderful kind man. When he couldn’t face living a lie any longer I supported her and felt happy that it seemed to be going well but everything is me, me, me. There are incidents I can’t relate as they are outing, but I am stunned by how insensitive she has been to other friends difficulties.

OP posts:
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rosesandflowers1 · 23/06/2018 20:11

You don't owe someone a friendship. I would say it was silly to drop someone because of the clothes they wear.

Maybe she's just very excited about finally being out? Her wife was living a lie but so was she ... the flashy clothes, the excitement, wanting to go out - maybe she wants to re-experience her life finally as herself. I'd give it time because if it's that, her old personality will probably come through again once she's settled down a bit.

Dating isn't your business. The wife isn't really either, it's a very sticky situation. I would stay out of it.

Ofc you don't have to remain in the friendship if you don't want to, but I'd step back a bit, be supportive and just wait!

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Timeisslippingaway · 23/06/2018 20:13

Why would she expect you to go partying half the week now that she is single?

Perhaps just pull back from her a bit,then she may go out and make some new friends.

Strange that her personality has changed so much.

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0range99 · 23/06/2018 20:13

I can relate to what you are saying.

Since coming out the person I know is all about OTT make up and skimpy clothes. I am pleased that she is enjoying her freedom to do so but she is now a very attention seeking OTT person who is constantly seeking affirmation that she looks good.

She doesn't, but won't be told that toning it down a bit would look better, she is more demanding, self centred and emotionally draining than my teenage daughter and her friends.

His previous personality was a nice hard working family guy with interests and values but that has all but gone.

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LighthouseSouth · 23/06/2018 20:16

If someone was nice and became horrible you don't owe them anything

Also, has it only changed recently? I have broken off a friendship in the last month....I was embarrassed to realise how much I'd failed to notice the selfishness of the person in the past. It's easy to only see the good when you're friends a long time. It felt sudden because I'd reached the end if my tether but with the general busyness of life, I failed to notice she was slowly becoming...not nice.

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rosesandflowers1 · 23/06/2018 20:16

There are incidents I can’t relate as they are outing, but I am stunned by how insensitive she has been to other friends difficulties.

Hmm.

People's personalities don't change just because of a transition.

Is it possible that she's focusing on herself and going a bit overboard? I imagine it was exhausting for her living life as a man; you would base everything on others perceptions of you. Is she going big on "me" time and as such coming across as insensitive? Lots of holidays, nights out, shopping trips etc.?

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Sammyham88 · 23/06/2018 20:16

Male, female, transgender, what ever, when a person starts acting toxic like this it's time to cut them out your life.

As PP has already said, the fact she's got no consideration for her ex partner and children kinda shows what type of person she is, she might have been lovely before but that persons gone, get rid.

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EmpressJewel · 23/06/2018 20:16

Funnily enough, a colleague said a similar thing recently. Their relative transitioned a number of years ago, but they said that the relative became extremely selfish in that literally everything became about them and what they were going through.

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Hoppinggreen · 23/06/2018 20:18

Check out the trans widows thread on here
Obviously wives rather than friends but similar experiences

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totorosfluffytummy · 23/06/2018 20:20

He's a pornsick selfish man. Women do not act like that.

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Cornettoninja · 23/06/2018 20:22

I would presume they’re receiving support from somewhere and imho this support can sometimes turn into a bit of an echo chamber and brainwash people to varying degrees.

I would probably let it die myself but if I were a braver, kinder person I would probably take the time to explain why. Your friend has had a massive life change, no one else has. It’s probably a step too far for her to expect you all to fit into her new ideals and expectations and a much happier exsistence for you all to accept that your friendship has changed and the boundaries with it.

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Racecardriver · 23/06/2018 20:23

I wouldn't be friends with someone who could do that to their family. Truly horrible.

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LighthouseSouth · 23/06/2018 20:24

OP you also mention she pressures you to go out all the time

That happened with my friend too

She had previously accepted my issues with shift work, introverted nature and anxiety, but suddenly phoned up at least three times a week with "but I really want us to do more" as if my feelings didn't matter at all. She means bars etc, I don't cope too well with those and have set dates for nights out due to shifts.

We then realised we used to joke in the past about her inviting herself for dinner often, but with hindsight I don't know why we ever thought that was okay.

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