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AIBU?

AIBU to dislike my toddler?

19 replies

readysetcake · 23/06/2018 16:43

Of course IABU. She’s not even 3 yet. But I’m at my wits end with her. She just has melt down after melt down and I just don’t know what to do. I have a 5 week old baby but I was starting to dislike her before he arrived. She’s been like this for months. Unless you are one on one with her, giving her 300% attention she’s a nightmare. Even when you are one on one she’s difficult. She runs away all the time, she does things you ask her not to repeatedly. She hits and screams and shouts. She won’t get dressed or brush her teeth or go to bed without a massive battle. Me and my DH are exhausted with it. I’ve read books upon books on how to deal with toddlers and it just doesn’t work. She’s ana amazing speaker so can express herself.

Now I dislike going anywhere with her. I feel trapped. I used to love going out and hate being stuck in the house but I can’t bear the tantrums when we do. Especially on top of looking after a baby. At least in the house I can walk away and know she’s safe. I avoid play dates in case she hits the other kids. I feel isolated and my relationship with my DH is really suffering. I’m starting to resent her and my patience is evaporating and I don’t know what to do. No family live nearby. I’m starting to feel really depressed. I miss the lovely little girl I had. All I see is years of tantrums and dull life stuck in the house as DS will be entering toddler hood just as DD leaves it. Help.

OP posts:
Pebblespony · 23/06/2018 16:49

Can you put her in a creche for a few hours. Sounds like you need a break. A bit of a breather from her might help you recharge your batteries and you might find her easier to deal with.

NotTakenUsername · 23/06/2018 16:50

Have you tried visual aids? I struggled a lot at this stage and the visual aids helped a lot.

They are not just for children with asd! Even a scrap of paper and stickmen with a bit of a visual plan or routine of the day?

Or if you are good on the computer you could make some laminated cards.

Social stories - again not just for asd. For example: How to go to the park, behave at the park, leave the park... all positive language.

You can’t go on like this, and it is ok to not like them sometimes. Just get it under control and you’ll look back on this in a few years and thank god tou can have a rational conversation with her!!

Cornettoninja · 23/06/2018 16:53

I think everyone has a particular age they struggle with and it’s so dependent on the personality of that child. It will pass and your ds may be a completely different kettle of fish. The bar sounds like it has been set quite high so you may find it a breeze where others wouldn’t.

It might be worth a chat with your health visitor. There’s a playgroup near me aimed at challenging children so no one feels particularly self conscious when it’s their child playing up.

Does your dd go to nursery? Do you think she would enjoy it and perhaps learn to enjoy being a ‘big girl’. Particularly with the new baby brother?

I think you’ll get a lot of replies about giving her as much attention as you can and I agree but for some kids it’s just never enough. I think the aim of having once or twice a day with you positively communicating with her is a decent aim.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 23/06/2018 16:58

My dd was like this. When she was 9 she got quite bad anxiety. Looking back at it al now, the majority of her beghsviour was anxiety driven.

She’s 12 now and much calmer. Can still be awkward mind!

LovelyBath77 · 23/06/2018 17:01

I had a phase like this when mine was nearly 3, a new baby would maybe make the eldest act up to.

Remember they won't stay like this, it is the age, it will change! Honestly, it does get easier with time. And soon, they will be off to school too and things change then as well (or preschool).

LovelyBath77 · 23/06/2018 17:01

Yes, mine was a nightmare and now at 9 is an angel

TitZillas · 23/06/2018 17:02

My DD was like that and obviously more challenging than a NT toddler. I would avoid taking her anywhere with me, she couldn’t behave herself. Places like doctors, dentists, supermarket were all impossible with her in tow. She was eventually diagnosed with some SN which was almost a relief in a way because she was my first DC and I had no other knowledge and thought I was the worst Mum ever. My other 2 DC have been significantly easier to parent!

readysetcake · 23/06/2018 17:03

She goes to nursery two days a week. And I’m ashamed to say they are my favourite days of the week. I try to spend as much time as I can with her one on one.
She is anxious about a lot of things (loud noises for example) but seems so confident in many ways. She’s not afraid to be around other kids and will talk to anyone.
I’m seeing my HV in just over a week for 6 week postnatal so will chat to her then. Just at a loss at how to handle her. And it makes me feel like a shit mum as I know I should be doing things differently.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/06/2018 17:06

2 year olds can be dicks. Flowers

Omzlas · 23/06/2018 17:13

My almost 4 year old was petrified of any and all loud noises (hoover, hand dryer, blender etc etc etc). She still hates hand dryers but pretty much everything else she can deal with, sometimes it just needs "mummy is going to make a loud noise with X, it won't be long though" and she's ok

Not that that's actual advice but she'll probably grow out of it, just stick with it and maybe try getting her involved with hoovering etc (I ended up buying a kid's Dyson) and speak to your HV.

SleepWarrior · 23/06/2018 17:13

Toddlers can be so flipping hard it's unreal Flowers

But you do have to be careful about those feelings seeping out and being perceived by them, as a toddler that feels like they aren't liked and can never win will not start to behave better. Nor will they be happy.

If you can, I would find some opportunities for each of you to do new one-on-one things with her (new because if she always tantrums at say, the park, then at that age she will have a strong association with the park being stressful and just tantrum again).

Shower her with compliments and loveliness even though you don't feel like it, be silly and smile loads. Always be pleased to see her when she walks towards you or into a room. Make sure she feels she is the light of your life regardless of the horrible behaviour. You have to fight to break the cycle at a time when it is really hard for you, but it had to come from you as she is incapable of just becoming better. Her world must feel very wobbly right now. If you can fix that for her then she will in all likelihood get easier to manage and I'm turn you will begin to like her more. Turn the vicious cycle in the other direction.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 23/06/2018 17:13

I had this with my ds towards the end of my pregnancy and about three months after dd arrived. He found the whole process of getting a sibling very stressful! Could it be related to that?

MissusGeneHunt · 23/06/2018 17:14

You are undoubtedly NOT a shit mum, as you put it. Those toddler times can be / are a nightmare whether there's a diagnosis or not. You do need a break, so don't feel guilty when you get one. I hope your HV is helpful and signposts you to additional help. Be kind to yourself Flowers it'll pass.

OneStepSideways · 23/06/2018 17:14

Can you put her in full time nursery? TBH I'm in awe of people who manage a toddler and baby at the same time! I'm waiting until mine is in full time nursery as I don't think I'd cope otherwise.

Re running off, have you tried a wrist strap or reins on a backpack?

I think hitting is fairly normal at toddler groups. Mine sometimes hits if another child takes her toy. As long as you're keeping an eye on her ready to intervene I don't see a problem.

Will she watch TV to give you a break?

It sounds like she's jealous of the new baby so hopefully this is just a phase. Friends of mine have had great success with star charts and the naughty spot, have you tried these?

Could she be bored or lonely? I think around this age they really crave the company of their peers. Mine is much happier after nursery and we have play dates on other days (usually in the garden or park so they can let off steam) or she gets grumpy and whiney!

LeahJack · 23/06/2018 17:17

You’ve just had a baby. She will have been feeling her world change while you were pregnant and now the baby has arrived her world will have Her world will haveliterally turned upside down.

Eldest children just do act out when younger ones arrive. You are the most important thing to her and now she is no longer the absolute centre of her world. It’s perfectly normal for her to feel very, very angry with you. And even if she is good at expressing herself she may not even understand what those feelings are.

In the context of a new baby it all sounds pretty standard. You need to do your best to make her feel secure and loved and wanted even if it’s tough for you right now.

It’s one of those things you just have to ride out and it’s nobodies fault including hers.

LeahJack · 23/06/2018 17:21

And it makes me feel like a shit mum as I know I should be doing things differently.

Honestly, you are not a shit Mum. It’s totally normal for even brilliant Mums to face a really hard adjustment period.

Bluecocooon · 23/06/2018 17:24

SleepWarrior thank you fantastic advice. Am following as my toddler is similar so sympathies to you OP

LeahJack · 23/06/2018 17:26

Can you put her in full time nursery?

If you decide to do this think very carefully and stagger the start to see how she copes.
Potentially sending her full time could mean she feels she is being sent away because Mummy has a new baby now and see it as rejection. That might well make her behaviour ten times worse.

readysetcake · 23/06/2018 18:34

Thank you every one and thank you @SleepWarrior. That is good advice. I’m trying to love bomb her but finding it so hard as my own mood is so low. But will try harder.
I couldn’t afford full time nursery it I don’t want that. I used to love our days together and really want to get back to that.
Flowers for you @bluecocoon it’s really bloody hard sometimes isn’t it?!

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