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To not want to tell anyone the date?!

(33 Posts)
stressingaboutbirth Sat 23-Jun-18 09:47:08

I'm expecting dc2 very soon, planned c section because of horrific 1st birth.

Safe say, I'm shitting it! I'm getting fed up of the constant guilt tripping already because I mentioned that I just want a few days, maybe a week or so just to recover and bond with baby/try to establish breastfeeding.

I've said I might feel great and be happy for people to come earlier than expected but also not to expect anything in the first week. MIL has taken this very badly, which is making me feel like shit.

A c section, although a common procedure is still major abdominal surgery, why is it that because a newborn is involved you're expected to play hostess and have everyone bombard you?! No one would demand to see you if it weren't for the fact of newborn cuddles!

I know people mean well and are excited to welcome our baby but it's really stressing me out.

AIBU to not tell them the date? I'm feeling so pressured already. sad

Or do I just tell them all the date and then my phone off/lock my doors grin

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Sat 23-Jun-18 09:48:01

Just tell them a week later!!

Mountainsoutofmolehills Sat 23-Jun-18 09:48:17

don't tell them. People in general don't need to give as much info as they do. Be vague. It's none of their busienss. Say I am not sure. thats enough.

Sharkwithknees Sat 23-Jun-18 09:56:19

Playing devils advocate here.. But surely a MIL would help out, rather than expect you to play host? I'm only looking at this from the other side as my own parents drove 250 miles and paid for a week in a hotel when my SIL was due to give birth (invited) fully with the intention of helping out, then we're told by SIL she only wanted her own parents to visit afterwards. Your case probably isn't that extreme but she's probably excited and just wants a cuddle and to help out. I guess it depends on the MIL though as there are some MILs from hell on MN! grin

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Sat 23-Jun-18 09:58:00

My mil visited in hospital despite dh telling her I didn't want visitors.
Didn't see her for dust for weeks after that.
She stayed 5 mins and didn't even hold ds.
Stick to your guns op.

TorviBrightspear Sat 23-Jun-18 10:11:53

But surely a MIL would help out, rather than expect you to play host?

Not always the case. A lot of PIL, and parents too, just expect the new mum to give over the baby and run around hosting.

So, you're going to see answers here based on people's own experiences, whether good or bad.

crispysausagerolls Sat 23-Jun-18 10:20:45

The thing about not giving dates is it kind of misses the point a bit. I would give the dates but say it’s irrelevant for them as they won’t be welcome for a week. That’s it. If they come round don’t let them in. They need to respect the boundary you put in place - you don’t need to lie to them or hide from them, they need to respect you. Also you can send them pictures etc if you like in the interim.

Cheerbear23 Sat 23-Jun-18 10:26:08

Does this week include your side of the family too? If so I guess it's fair enough, if not I can see why she's upset.

everybodylovescake Sat 23-Jun-18 10:28:46

I would find it odd not being told date tbh.

If you don't want guests, fine. Stick to your guns! You will maybe find that you won't have as many visitors with the 2nd.

Dreamingofkfc Sat 23-Jun-18 10:32:04

You might feel well and want to see people, it would be easier to not say and see how you feel than to have everyone know and be pressurising you. With my first I was adamant I wouldn't have visitors for a week, but felt so excited and well that I was up for people the next day. This time though, I think I want a bit of time so my two can adjust to the newbie. It's not time that you can get back, don't feel bad about how you spend it!

Astrid2 Sat 23-Jun-18 10:50:33

I've never understood this. Surely grandparents are desperate to greet the brand new baby! Both my parents and PIL came the day DD was born for a quick visit in hospital. When I got home, they stayed for a couple of hours, cuddled the baby, made tea and brought cakes. I still managed to breast feed baby. I just went upstairs. When baby is so new, they sleep for most of the time anyway so it's not like you're breast feeding round the clock like you can be in week 2-3!

Instead of banning them completely for the entire week, why not give them visiting times. An hour in the afternoon. Then feed baby before they arrive.

Duckhaz Sat 23-Jun-18 11:03:13

My MIL snuck into the surgical recovery ward and saw my baby before I even had angry EMCS after a long failed induction and baby was in an incubator due to breathing problems. And if that wasn't bad enough she then brought a random male relative of my husbands who I'd only met once in! So me lying in bed in a hospital gown..just after surgery....boobs out. Nightmare. Poor form on the hospitals part...she'd been working a shift in another ward and was in uniform so they turned a blind eye.

SamanthaH92 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:06:02

My cousin didn't tell people her date, i did. I had visitors a few hours after i was moved on to the ward. Litrally still out of it. Falling in and out of sleep and unable to cover my self up properly. I wont be allowing visitors this time apart from parents and in laws but only once i feel ready. Completely your descion! YANBU

Cornettoninja Sat 23-Jun-18 11:08:24

I think it’s hard for some people to comprehend that close family aren’t particularly helpful and can be difficult personalities to be around. Or that some people need time and space to heal and process the change in their lives. It’s all fine and you should do what you want to.

Out of the crowds that descended on my house after dd arrived no one so much as offered me a cup of tea let alone bought a pack of biscuits with them. It was full on host mode in our tiny house and incredibly stressful. Oh apart from the one woman who cheerfully announced to the whole room she’s just cleaned my toilet.... thanks for that love, go in the garden if it offends you so much.

It was lovely to see people so excited about my beautiful baby but in retrospect that would have been lovely whenever they met her. A couple of weeks to just let my groin swelling go down would have been much more helpful.

Cheeseandcrisps Sat 23-Jun-18 11:09:44

Why dont you instead let mil come to th hospital for half an hour that way she gets to see you and meet dc but your home is then your sanctury that's what I think I'm going to do this time around.

shakingmyhead1 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:19:05

just tell them 2 weeks later than the planned date, and if you feel up to it you can give them a heads up earlier, ive had two cs, one emergency and one planned and with the planned i was up and about a heck of a lot faster than the emcs, but obviously i had no complications and a LOT of support from the husband... so do what you have to and take it easy and dont feel any guilt about not welcoming everyone in when you have drips and drains in and laying on big bed pad possibly soaked in blood and wearing mummy nappies!! ( huge pads)

TidyDancer Sat 23-Jun-18 11:20:47

I don't really buy into this whole cloak and dagger stuff. Tell them the date or don't tell them the date, it doesn't matter as long as you stick to your guns regarding what you are allowing and what is acceptable to you. Don't be rude to people but don't tolerate them being rude to you either.

Personally, and I do have some batshit ILs, I would invite them early but manage them. If they are the type to expect hosting, say in advance that you won't be up to hosting and they will need to come and fend for themselves. If you only want people coming for a couple of hours etc, then tell them to pop round for that long and have DH enforce it if you don't feel able to.

Sharkwithknees Sat 23-Jun-18 11:28:01

TorviBrightspear I acknowledged this further into my post

MotherofKitties Sat 23-Jun-18 11:31:12

Don't tell them. Everyone wanted to descend on us straight away when I had my DD but I knew I didn't want that and would want some 'us' time alone before we had visitors.

I didn't have a c section so can't comment on that, I know that some women recover very quickly and others don't, but you'll need to take it easy either way after the birth and you may need some help (or you may not, but just be prepared for that in case!) I ended up with a 2nd degree tear, stitches and an infection and I did need help after having my LO as quite frankly I couldn't walk very well for a little while!

Either way, this is your choice and you are in control of what you feel comfortable with; if people get upset about it, think they have a right to see you sooner etc etc, sod it, it's not their place, it's about what you are happy with. Just make sure that after you have your LO, if you change your mind or are struggling with the aftermath of the surgery that you let people help and take all the help you need. Good luck smilethanks xx

echt Sat 23-Jun-18 11:39:26

OP, is your MIL a PITA? You haven't said.

Amanduh Sat 23-Jun-18 11:45:40

Meh, it’s up to you. I couldn’t wait for visitors!

NewMuma17 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:45:42

YNBU at all, when my son was born we had loads of visitors. Not one of them offered help or even made their own cuppa! Only interested in baby! In fact my dad was the only one that arrived with food to help us out! Next time around I’ll be saying no visitors for a week. I found it all exhausting and all my Husband and I wanted to do was spend time together with our boy. Paternity leave is short and precious!

FizzyGreenWater Sat 23-Jun-18 12:25:02

The kind of family members who are happy to guilt trip and hassle a heavily pregnant woman so they get her to do what they want rather than what she wants regarding her own delivery are the kind who richly deserve to be lied to.

Tell them a section date about five days after the real one.

Have your baby in peace and take that essential time to recover, physically and mentally, from the birth and operation and establish feeding. When you feel ok, call them. Say there were a couple of complications and date was brought forward in a hurry. Job done.

stressingaboutbirth Sat 23-Jun-18 14:57:42

Thanks for all your replies. The rule would be the same for both sides, although I'm not going to lie, I'd obviously feel much more comfortable seeing my own Mum and Dad in a state in hospital than my in laws!

I don't know why it's bothering me so much, because if I don't feel up to it I should just be firm. But MIL is very dramatic and I often just appease her for a quiet life, hence why she's reacted so badly because for the first time in a long time I've said what I want!

DH is happy with whatever I want, he just wants a nicer experience than last time.

stressingaboutbirth Sat 23-Jun-18 14:59:16

@Duckhaz shock that is absolutely disgusting. I would never speak to MIL again if she did that to me. Sorry you had such a stressful birth, I hope all is well now x

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