To feel hurt by PILS

[PutYourBackIntoit]

I've name changed and it's my first post in AIBU, so deep breath.

My dh's brother and his partner emigrated to Aus a few years back and have subsequently had 3 children.
We had never thought that we'd be able to afford to visit them, but as they visit the UK every 1-2 years we have seen them several times which has been lovely.

PILs over last couple of years every now and then asked if we'd ever go over and visit, and we've always said we'd not be able to afford it.

About a year ago they gifted us £10k which we are hugely grateful for. We saved it and were hoping in time to have enough for a much needed extension.

My dh kept toying with the idea of using the money to visit Aus, and I feel awkward as it was a gift from his parents so I don't feel like I can put my foot down and say no.

I did some research, and as it happens we found flights that were much more reasonable than I expected at a certain time of year. We decided we would go.

When we told PILs, they were pleased and said they were also going to come. Great! (I get on well with them, and the children adore them, how lovely for them to spend time with their sons and grandchildren all together).

Fast forward a few weeks and it turns out they have booked their flights (they are going for a month) to come back a week before we fly out there.

I am so hurt. They clearly don't want to spend time with us!! My dh thinks I'm insane for being hurt because they just want to spend 'undiluted' time with the Aus family. I cannot fathom why they didn't leave a few days overlap at least.

For info, dh Aus family have plenty of room for us all to be comfy in, but we would be also staying with other friends so it's not a space issue.
We don't see PILs that often (maybe 3- 4 times a year) as they are so busy, which is great for them. They live 2 hours away.

I just don't want to go now. I want to use the money for the extension again. Dh says we cannot let his brother down just because I feel hurt.

I know it's a nice problem to have in some ways, but AIBU??

[IsDaveThere]

YABU and I agree with your DH.

It might not be a space issue but perhaps BiL doesn't want to host/entertain so many people all at once, separate visits will make it easier for them.

[LML83]

yabu.

Understandably you assumed pil meant altogether, turns out they didnt. They gave you the money and never said what to use it for.

There could be lots of reasons they didn't overlap holiday (timing of other commitments, cheaper flights, better flight time, not wanting to impose on dh and brothers time together or share grand kid time) I don't think it's any reflection on their feelings to you and dh.

Try to see the positives and look forward to your holiday.

[Banana8080]

Have you or dh gently asked them? People should talk more.

[BertrandRussell]

I really, really don't understand this. Unless you're looking for reasons to spend the money on the extension not the visit...........

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Maybe they thought it would be nice for you all to spend time with BIL and family on your own as you've not been out to them before?

[PutYourBackIntoit]

Hadn't thought of that....actually that might well be it. Forget sometimes that everyone is not like me!!

However, now they have to host twice!! Over 2 months!! One month with 4 adults, 3 kids), one month with 4 adults, 5 kids).

Think I'd rather have 6 adults and 5 kids for a month (sporadically as we'd be sightseeing, visiting friends for 2 weeks) and be done with it.
Plus, we're all pretty self sufficient and family (we'd definitely not expect to be cooked for etc!).

[Echobelly]

I think you need to let go of the upset... IMO, unless you know otherwise, most times someone does something you find upsetting, it's not deliberate at all, and I do see too many people making themselves miserable at a presumed slight which wasn't mean that way.

I think perhaps say to them 'It's a shame we couldn't all be there at once' and they might give you the reasons why not, but don't read too much into it.

[Zippetydoodahzippetyay]

As someone who lives away from family, i would prefer my visitors not to come all at once because then it feels like its all over too quickly. I like having multiple visits from different people to look forward to over the year. I wonder if BIL & SIL feel the same and PILs have acted accordingly?

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

See it as you don't have to put up with them not the other way round!!

[Pebblespony]

If I were BIL I'd prefer for people to come separately so I could get as much family time as possible. Maybe this is their reasoning? Either way, refusing to go because of this seems a bit petty.

[crispysausagerolls]

It seems sensible for PIL to want alone time with their other grandchildren and child, and it seems much easier for your relatives in Aus to not have to host two sets of family at once. I really don’t see the problem.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Probably best to apologise to DH and start looking forward to your holiday OP

[OverTheHedgeHammy]

You know you really have to stop making this all about you. They are visiting their son in Australia. Maybe your PIL decided they wanted to spend time with their son and their GC, without their attention being on you and your DC. It is a reasonable thing.

[PutYourBackIntoit]

Well yes BertandRussel, I'm not looking for reasons. I would much rather have an extension than to visit Aus, but it's not my money.

Totally agree we should talk more (well dh and his pils). They are a family of non talkers and this is not the first time issues have come up because of it.

DH just got in from work and has had a chat with MIL. Her reasoning is that we can spend more time with dhs brother. I don't get it at all. Our time out there is the same. Not even an overlap for a meal together??

[OverTheHedgeHammy]

You don't HAVE to get it. You would choose to do it differently. But that's all it is, a choice. It doesn't make it right or wrong. They have chosen this way.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I'm unsure why it's so important to see PILs out in Oz. You see them here at home. Why are you so annoyed by this?

As PILs go they sound pretty cool.

[LunaTrap]

Maybe your BIL wants his kids to have some time with their grandparents where they are the focus rather than it being shared with others who they already see more often. Or maybe the PILs wanted some time with just BIL. Why does it matter?

[HazelBite]

What Zippety said, i wouldn't be at all suprised if your Australian in laws would prefer to host you seperately. I am assuming they don't really know your DC's that well and want to spend time doing dc centred things that the GP's wouldn't necessarily like.
When you don't see certain familthat often, when you see them you want to just concentrate on them, and spending time with them, I am imagining your Aussie in.laws may feel this way.
if you get on well with your in laws don't imagine this slight I'm sure there are all sorts of possible reasons why they have arranged their trip this way

[jacko2205]

To be honest when i go on holiday (especially to visit people) I don't want anyone else to be out there. Do you think maybe subconciously it's an excuse not to go because you felt uneasy in the first place? Not that it's wrong to do that, just maybe could help explain to yourself so you can work it out.
You'll be having the trip of a lifetime, try not to let anything get in the way and wnjoy yourselves!! Xxxx

[PutYourBackIntoit]

OvertheHedge you've hit the nail on the head, and that is what hurts.

They don't see us and their grandchildren in the UK. I've stopped asking them if they'd like to come to over for the dc birthday because they are always busy. It's great for them, they love their hobbies. We only see them for more than a few hours at Christmas or when the other child and gc are visiting. I don't mind, but I am fucking hurt that they would rather have a full month undiluted time with their other son and family, and not see their other son and gc at all when the opportunity is there.

I'm not making it about me, more about my children and their lack of a relationship with their gp.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I am afraid that yabvu, maybe they wanted to spend time alone with them, maybe they thought you might not want time alone together. Just go and enjoy the holiday and that you were able to go as they helped you out.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Sounds like you're jealous of the fact they will be spending a month with their other grandchildren.

You say that the children adore them, so they must see their grandparents enough for that to happen.

[gillybeanz]

YABU, your ils have probably done this to make less work for your bil and partner.
Plus, they will want to see their grandchildren. If you never saw them and they didn't see you in this country then that would be different.

[chickedychicked]

I wish I had your inlaws. I had the kind that invite themselves on our family holidays and then we had to do stuff centred around them half the time.
Enjoy yourself and forget about everything else, you'll have an amazing time

[gillybeanz]

Just read your update.
I'd speak to them about it or get dh to, are you sure they feel welcome to visit.
They might think they'd be in the way with your usual commitments.