To be upset about manager's email

[SoozC]

I've been doing some training over a few months, a day a month. Two of these days have clashed with a meeting I have been expected to attend, which I haven't due to the training. I got an email this evening from my manager saying he wants to talk to me about the missed meetings, saying it's disappointing I've not been there.

I'm now lying in bed unable to sleep due to feeling upset. It's not my fault I've not been at the meetings, I've been training. I'm stressed at work anyway and 13 weeks pregnant and now I'm worrying about trying to explain myself tomorrow. It's not even my fault.

AIBU to expect my manager to just talk to me about it tomorrow and not stress me out at home with an email so I have time to worry about it all night?

And any tips for sleeping when you feel upset and your heart is racing?

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Is the training compulsory? Did you give your manager notice of the training dates and that they clashed with the important meetings?

[siwel123]

I don't see the issue with your manager emailing you to let you know they needs to see you tomorrow.

Just forget about it basically, you're not going to be in trouble as they must know about the training.
Probably just going to say what happened etc

[QueenDoris]

Did you tell him you couldn't attend?

[Bunbunbunny]

Draft a response to your manager tonight, don’t send it till morning when you can reread it.
Was the training paid by work? You can’t be in two places at once. Do you have other training clashes? Could you send someone in your place? Offer your manager a solution of sending someone else and review the minutes from the previous meetings . Put your thoughts down and do not put their email on it till morning so you don’t accidentally send it tonight!

Take a hot shower or bath after you written it and put on your favourite chill out music

[SoozC]

Training is for a qualification so couldn't be missed. All meetings are in the diary. The manager has a large team to deal with and he doesn't always know when we're supposed to be out of the office (doesn't check the diary I guess).

I just wish it hasn't affected me like this. I've been lying in bed for about 40 minutes and my heart rate is still up by 10 bpm. I just wish I could calm down and sleep.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

When I'm stressed about something that's stopping me sleep I try and remind myself of the better possible outcomes instead of the worst ones and then try and swamp myself in something totally unrelated - a book or TV program often.

Good luck.

[Spudina]

That was crap from your manager. Maybe he has forgotten that you were training? I'd just ask him straight. Since you can't be in two places at once, in future what does he expect you to do. Don't panic. Try the 7-9 breathing technique. Breath in for 7 seconds, then breath out for longer, like 9-11 secs (I never manage 11!) Doesn't matter as long as out breath is longer. Do for a couple of minutes to slow down your heart rate. Or try visualising every part of your body relaxing, working from your head to your feet. And get some sleep. Hope it goes ok. X

[endofthelinefinally]

But did you tell him you couldn't attend the meeting?
I think it was your responsibility to draw his attention to the clash. Professional responsibility works both ways.

[Littleredboat]

Stop counting your heart rate!!
Go and get a drink. Read a bit or watch some telly.

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

I think you had a responsibility to point out the clashes when you got your training schedule and clear it with your manager ahead of time. Rather than just not turn up.

[5foot5]

Well in one way you could say it is good you have the email now as it gives you time to prepare instead of being taken by surprise.

Who suggested you take the training? Who agreed to it? Is this training beneficial to your role?
I suggest outraged surprise. Does he really want to prevent you from reasonable training?

[TheBigFatMermaid]

OK, well, you need to focus on the fact that you were training, were not in the wrong. It is your manager's failure to pick up on you being on training that is the problem! It will all be ok after you have pointed this out tomorrow! Just relax, safe in the knowledge that it will all be ok and focus on that growing baby, focus on maternity leave and not having to deal with an incompetent manager for a while!

[SoozC]

Fair point, I didn't say. Not that anyone else could have gone in my place and I'd assume he was too busy to want 50-odd team members telling him things that are in the diary. But I will tell him in future.

I'm just stressed now. I hate confrontations and that I'm going to have to put my point across. I just wish he hadn't emailed tonight what could have waited for the morning.

Thanks for the relaxation tips. I'm going to try now. I guess I'm extra jumpy as I had a miscarriage before this pregnancy so trying to take care of myself even more this time and a racing heart is not making me happy!

[GreenTulips]

You can via email 'invite' people to meetings and they tick yes or no - it's quick simple and easy to sort

Can you suggest such a scheme going forward to resolve the issue

[SoozC]

The training was agreed long before the meeting date. And I emailed the meeting guy to say I couldn't attend due to a previously-agreed commitment both times.

[SoftBallSophie]

If you are prone to stress like this after hours then you should not be checking work emails at home. You aren't managing your work / home life balance very well.

[RoseJam]

I'd keep it factual when you speak to him. Tell him that you didn't attend the meetings due to training, that you acknowledge that you should have informed him when you were in training, and in future you will inform him if you are unable to attend and why. I'd also say that you had assumed that he didn't need to know the all the accept and decline responses. I'd also throw in that you are touched that he noticed that you didn't attend and whether there is anything specific you need to catch up, or that you can do in preparation for the next meeting.

[OlennasWimple]

It's not really confrontational (unless there is some huge back story) to have a conversation with your manager where you remind them that you were at training on two occasions and missed the meetings.

Focus on positive things you can say (such as how best to let him know when you won't be able to attend in future) and try to get some sleep. You are working yourself up needlessly

[SoozC]

I had to check where I was going tomorrow as out of the office again. I definitely don't normally look at work emails at home.

Thanks for help, going to do more slow breathing and find something more entertaining than my current book as it's not doing a good job.

[RoseJam]

I just noticed your response where you did actually say you couldn't attend. In which case, you should definitely mention that you did inform the meeting organiser you couldn't attend, and because you didn't hear anything further, it was not a problem.

It sounds like a case of miscommunication. Clarify the situation and thank your manager for bringing it to your attention. He'll probably be more embarrassed about it than you!

[Dibbosteme]

Don't look at work related emails once the working day has finished. Some managers take pleasure in sending these after hours, it makes them look as if they are super efficient, working late and they know it winds people up.

Wait until tomorrow and state clearly what the reasons were for not attending any training. Keep it factual and extremely polite in tone.

[Languageofkindness]

My manager’s PA is useless, she won’t pass on any declines or messages to say why you can’t make it when you decline. Just say really sorry and you will definitely let him know direct next time. I have about 50 in my team and if it was a meeting I had organised then I would definitely want someone to let me know. I’d be fine with an apology if it was the first time i’d Had to mention it though

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm so sympathetic OP - this would have stressed me out too. I think for people who don't have any anxiety around work etc it can be very difficult to be understanding of those who do.

The meeting will be fine - I expect your manager will totally understand why you couldn't be there but will indicate that you should have drawn his attention to this. You can accept that as a valid point and indicate that while it was in the diary, going forward you will draw attention to it for completeness. Honestly that will be the end of it and it will be ok!

Hope you managed to get some sleep and that you and baby are both ok

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

I would be quite matter of fact with the manager, and say that you informed the meeting organizer, and the info was in the diary, does he also want you to inform him personally of any future clashes? You’ve done nothing wrong, it just sounds like you both have different expectations here.

What is the worst that could happen? Surely the training will make you a more valuable member of the team, so be sure to underline that for him!

[outofmydepth45]

It's a non issue :

Manager: I haven't seen you in x meeting.
You: I've been in training, I did respond to the invite.
Manager: Oh of course, make sure you read the minutes and check the actions