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AIBU?

DH told MIL I'm pregnant without telling me

142 replies

Seasy · 21/06/2018 22:03

I'm currently around 10 weeks pregnant and a nervous wreck after numerous early losses. DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew. I told my mum and sister and he knew that I'd told them. I told him if he wanted to tell his mum he could for support and he said he didn't want to.

I have some issues around his relationship with his mum she is emotionally manipulative of DH and cries a lot to get her own way. She's OK but some past behaviour doesn't add up and I harbour resentment I can't seem to kick. I keep this in but DH knows I sometimes get frustrated with her- it's to do with her grandchildren and the way she's treated her son in law in the past as well as numerous things. We have very different values.

Anyway a text popped up on his phone when we were together from his mum and I could see some of the content- I asked if he had told her and he initially tried to deny it but then admitted it and says he was going to tell me. If he had been honest I wouldn't have stopped him- I just hate that he and his mum have secret chats about me and this hugely personal thing without me knowing.

She keeps trying to see me now (she doesn't know I've seen the text unless DH has betrayed me again and told her) and I can't face her. I have to see her soon and I hate that she knows when I'm so vulnerable. I can't bear that she and DH are in cahoots about me behind my back.

Am I overreacting? I'm prepared to be told either way as I have deep seated feelings about their relationship.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/06/2018 22:10

This all sounds like a big drama, but I haven’t had to live with her. It doesn’t seem fair that you can tell your family but are awkward about his knowing. If you don’t want to see her, then don’t. Make excuses, avoid her. Good luck with your pregnancy.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 21/06/2018 22:12

You said he could tell his mum you're pregnant and now you're kissed off that he did just that, even though you've told your own family?

MyNameIsNotSteven · 21/06/2018 22:12

Pissed off Blush

BlondeSea · 21/06/2018 22:13

I said he could tell his mum but he lied and told me he hadn't - I only found out he had by chance when I'd been completely transparent with him.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/06/2018 22:14

Um, yes, she is right to be, as he set the condition that she could only tell people on the condition she told him they knew!

CanIBuffalo · 21/06/2018 22:15

DH has betrayed me again is an interesting phrase.

Nicknacky · 21/06/2018 22:16

Was he worried how you would react if he had told her?

They are not in cahoots.

Justanothernameonthepage · 21/06/2018 22:18

I'm not surprised that you are annoyed that he initially lied and made you question your ability to trust him over something so stupid.
He needs to understand that it was the lying and continued lie that upset you. He also needs to be upfront with his mum and tell her that right now, you need to be supported, that you'll see her when you're ready but to stop pushing to see you as right now you're trying to rest as much as possible.

lifechangesforever · 21/06/2018 22:18

I think you're overreacting here. I'm not saying it's without cause but I really would just let it pass - it's not the same as if you'd decided together to keep it a secret, you'd agreed he could tell her if he wanted to and he has.

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/06/2018 22:18

You may be hormonal OP, but that's not an excuse for your controlling behaviour.

I think you need to understand that the baby has TWO parents, both of whom have families and other external relationships. Your family does not over rule his family. He is an equal partner (allegedly) and he is allowed to tell his own mother he is 50% responsible for a pregnancy.

LagunaBubbles · 21/06/2018 22:20

Why have you name changed after your first post? Confused

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 21/06/2018 22:21

You are over reacting and very controlling. It's his baby too and he can chat with his mum about it as much as he wants. He doesn't need your permission.

BerylStreep · 21/06/2018 22:30

I get it OP. It's not the telling, it's the lying about it and the lack of transparency about what their conversations have entailed.

I imagine that you feel very vulnerable and if you already feel that he doesn't have your back that makes it worse. Good luck with your pregnancy.

FWIW I always told my Mum and close siblings before my DH's family knew. DH was on board with this.

Summerscorcherisjustsummer · 21/06/2018 22:40

Of course he can tell who he wants but anyone would be cautious giving information over at this time... Sensitive time when baby is ultra young... To someone who may not be as sensitive as her own parents about this

WowLookAtYou · 21/06/2018 22:45

Based on what you have said here, yes, I'd say you were over-reacting.
Unless there's more to it than this?

RunningBean · 21/06/2018 23:11

I think you've had unfair comments here.
YANBU to be annoyed that he didn't tell you she knew.

You hadn't said he couldn't tell her, so to tell her and then needlessly lie about it to you is out of line.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 21/06/2018 23:13

Betrayed...Good heavens!

Newsofas · 21/06/2018 23:19

He has told his mum. Goodness sake. He is 50% responsible for the baby so can tell who he wants and without your permission. I would be so upset if my DIL had told her mum and not me. You need to stop being so controlling.

CluedoAddict · 21/06/2018 23:19

What a fuss over nothing.

PurpleDaisies · 21/06/2018 23:22

I agree that this is a big overreaction. “In cahoots”? He has told his mum he is going to be a dad. How is that conspiring against you and whispering behind your back?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 22/06/2018 00:26

I hate that she knows when I’m so vulnerable
What this about? Surely you’re not referring to the pregnancy when you claim to be vulnerable?

Kingsclerelass · 22/06/2018 00:36

Op, you are clearly stressed for good reason and 10 weeks is very early to be telling people. On the other hand, you did say he could tell her.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a poisonous MIL before when newly pregnant, and I felt like you do. No idea what your MIL is like. The only thing to do is breezily play it down and spend as little time with her as possible, if she makes you feel threatened.
Make sure your dh understands how strongly you feel. Hopefully it will pass.

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slovenlys · 22/06/2018 01:02

Yes. In this nicest possible terms...... an over reaction

LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/06/2018 01:09

I understand where you're coming from.

Like it or not, your DP is not pregnant - you are! All this talk of two equal parents applies once the baby is born, but for now it is your body, not his, that's gestating a baby. Therefore, you get the say. To be honest, I think if you'd wanted your mum to know and his not, that would have been fair enough too. After all, you're not doing it out of a malicious desire to play favourites, but because you've had previous losses. I can very much understand not wanting to tell any but your absolute near family.

But, even if people don't think you should get the final say, he has been very unfair in going back on the agreement, definitely.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 22/06/2018 01:09

You said in the beginning of your post that your DH was happy for you to tell whoever you wanted provided you told him who knew. On that basis alone YANBU because he didn't think to do the same thing for you, I find that disrespectful.

I don't know if you are over reacting about the rest because I don't know the back story.

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