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school fallout

(69 Posts)
mrwolf1234 Thu 21-Jun-18 21:45:22

Nc for this but I'm long time poster and lurker.

I have been friends with someone for a long time, since our dc were in pre school. Our dc have always fought, 1 min best friends and the next enemies so we tend to not get involved and let them work it out. They are now not very good friends, they play sometimes but not really.

They are now in yr 4 and whilst my dc isn't an angel, they are never in trouble, regularly have praise and I see their behaviour in school as I am a TA as well. They are not unkind, cheeky sometimes but not unkind (I wouldn't tolerate it).

Friends dc is also a lovely child but can be quite nasty at times, there have been multiple incidence's of lying, manipulation, hurting etc. Friend tries her very best although she parents differently to myself I don't necessarily think she is wrong on any front.

One weekend my dc stopped eating, wouldn't touch anything and was getting lethargic, finally managed to find out what had happened and friends dc have told my dc they were fat (they are not 50% percentile for weight) and it had really upset them.

For the record there have been multiple things like lying, hitting my dc, saying mean things etc and I've always told my friend and she has told her dc off but nothing changes.

Its a shame because when they are being nice, they are a pleasure to have around but when they are being mean its horrible to see. I've seen them hit another child because they thought they were prettier or whispering to much younger children about how they will do mean things to their parents, they even killed a nest of baby birds that the yr 6 had found.

Anyway this weekend in question I was livid and I've had enough so I bypassed my friend and went straight to the teacher, for the teacher it was the last straw due to other things so friends dc was given a punishment which was effective.

But I feel so guilty, my friend sees the best in her dc (because its her baby) my friend keeps mentioning it to me and I cringe inside knowing I cannot tell her it was me.

My friend thinks her dc is blameless and wouldn't ever be as mean as someone has complained but the truth is, they have. I hate to admit it but its horrible to see sometimes.

was I unreasonable? I would of gone to my friend but nothing would of been done really. She would of been upset, disappointed and she is my friend, a very good friend.

I feel crap about it all to be honest.

RoseanneBarred Thu 21-Jun-18 21:50:04

I would be surprised if your friendship withstands this, it's a horrible situation.

SugarIsAmazing Thu 21-Jun-18 21:56:00

I had similar but with my son's own cousin. The cousin actually stuck a fork into my son's back and her mum wouldn't believe any of it, so we went almost non contact.
The cousin is 15 now and sly as f**k; always in some sort of drama.

Cheby Thu 21-Jun-18 21:56:16

Your friend’s child killed a nest of baby birds?!!

mrwolf1234 Thu 21-Jun-18 22:19:13

Yeah crushed all the eggs sad

73kittycat73 Thu 21-Jun-18 22:37:14

That's what I was going to post Cheby. shock

Lizzie48 Thu 21-Jun-18 22:48:39

That's actually very disturbing, the fact that this boy killed a whole nest of baby birds, he needs serious help and your best friend shouldn't bury her head in the sand. (I'm speaking as a mum of 3 adopted DDs, DD1 has serious anger issues.)

BeansandSausages Thu 21-Jun-18 22:49:04

I'll be honest, if be keeping my dc away from her dc. The baby bird thing is appalling, let alone the rest. I wouldn't want my dc to hang around with anyone capable of that. That is beyond horrendous.

It might be hard but maybe you do need to bite the bullet and say look, I can understand why there was a complaint. I have noticed x y and z. I know it's awful but I do feel you should know as I wouldn't want your dc to start being excluded from games etc. Something along those lines?

NotSinisterAtAll Thu 21-Jun-18 22:52:45

What did your friend say of the bird killing incident?? That’s awful!!

mrwolf1234 Thu 21-Jun-18 22:53:20

Your all right, thing is the dc is being excluded from games because they are just mean and bossy. But my friend thinks is a conspiracy and they are being single s out etc. It’s so hard to bite my tongue but I really like my friend. She’s a great person and so is the dc when they are not being like this.

mrwolf1234 Thu 21-Jun-18 22:54:42

NOTSINISTER - she said she had asked her dc and they had said they hadn’t done it, cried and promised they would never hurt one of God’s creatures.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 21-Jun-18 22:55:01

Your friend thinks her dc are blameless well shes about to get a massive shock when in 5-10 years down the line shes visiting them in a young offenders unit or a prison.
They killed a nest of vulnerable innocent adorable baby birds. I'm welling up here not just for the loss of those poor birds, but also that children can be so evil.
Their parents need to get them looked at as a matter of urgency. It starts with hurting animals then often moves on to people.
I agree with pp I don't think theres any coming back from this.

Pascall Thu 21-Jun-18 22:56:52

A child who deliberately kills animals is a massive red flag that the child may be being abused, or witnessing abuse themselves. There's a lot written about it. You did the right thing to inform the Head.

Dancingbea Thu 21-Jun-18 23:00:01

They were eggs. Not birds. It' not that nice but a bit different than throttling chicks.

Tistheseason17 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:00:15

^^ This. Def red flag.

mrwolf1234 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:00:52

They crushed the eggs, not kill the actually birds. Although eggs are chicks but I need to say they are not always mean, they can be lovely.

The incident with my dc really upset me though. It was just plain mean and my dc was really affected.

Banana8080 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:01:43

Killing animals in childhood is a bloomin awful sign of what’s to come....

FASH84 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:05:43

The child sounds badly behaved, it affected your child, you were right to go to the teacher, who has handled it anonymously which seems appropriate.

Most children won't connect eggs with baby birds, or they wouldn't eat them at home. So yes animal cruelty is a big red flag for violent potential, but that's not what this child did.

Lizzie48 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:06:01

I actually have 2 adopted DDs, not 3, that was a mistake. But the point is the same. This isn't something your friend should be ignoring. There is help out there, but she needs to accept that there is a problem first.

CallingDannyBoy Thu 21-Jun-18 23:10:26

They are in Year 4 and your friend closes her eyes to it. It’s not going to change. Similar situation in my child’s Year 3 class - a manipulative child which resulted in a number of children being bullied and this child always at the centre. Parents deny it happens and he is the one being bullied. The other children are getting older and wise to it and just aren’t playing with him. Parents are blaming the other children. I’d bypass your friend and tell the teacher each time - why should your child be bullied because you don’t want to upset your friend. It may actually be helpful to the other child if it is brought out now and dealt with.

Nanny0gg Thu 21-Jun-18 23:12:00

I can't see how your friendship will carry on tbh.

But please watch the hyperbole. There is a hell of a difference between crushing eggs (a horrible thing to do) and killing baby birds (a psychopathic thing to do)

Are you sure you don't exaggerate other behaviours too as they're directed at your dc?

LovingLola Thu 21-Jun-18 23:13:12

They killed a nest of vulnerable innocent adorable baby birds

They didn't.

LovingLola Thu 21-Jun-18 23:13:36

They broke the eggs.
But they probably see eggs broken every day of the week in the kitchen.

Pascall Thu 21-Jun-18 23:14:21

I disagree @FASH84 I think all Year 4 children would know that a nest of bird eggs are likely to contain chicks.

The child's mother seems unable to accept or deal with her child's behaviour. Maybe because there is stuff going on at home that is clouding her perspective?

MadMags Thu 21-Jun-18 23:15:50

You’re very biased. The language you used about the eggs is proof of that, IMO.

You need to keep your distance because this friendship is unsustainable.

At least the teacher seems to be on the ball.

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