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To ask how you would handle this situation?

(48 Posts)
BasinHaircut Thu 21-Jun-18 08:05:01

I am part of a group of women who do semi personal training sessions together. We team up to make it cheaper and a bit more sociable, using a WhatsApp group to arrange sessions with people joining up as hoc each week so not always the same people and you don’t always know who is going to be there when you arrive, as the trainer joins us together too. We all used to go to the same gym but I didn’t know all of the women in this group until this arrangement began.

In this wider group of 8, there is a cliquey group of 3 which is fine. I don’t partake in that shit or drama and I’m ok with just being training buddies and nothing more, however there is the occasional night out etc which I like to go on.

Anyway, one of the 3 cliquey ones has decided she doesn’t like me. I don’t know why, don’t really care, not everyone likes everyone. However, recently I’ve been picking up on things where she is being really arsey with me, and a few things have happened that make it obvious that others know that she doesn’t like me, so she has been talking about me. Again I don’t know what she has been saying, don’t really care. She has also arranged a night out which I wasn’t invited to (just me), and removed my admin rights from the WhatsApp group.

I don’t think Ive ever had anything more than general chit chat about nothing with her so whilst I’m not arsed about her not wanting to be my friend, her actions are a bit strong.

Anyway last night I had a session with her and one other woman. She point blank ignored me when I spoke, she rolled her eyes at me when she thought I wasn’t looking, and she started digging me out about apparently putting weights down too noisily. I was livid and didn’t speak for the last 20 mins and left quickly as I didn’t want to make a scene.

I go to the gym to work hard, have a bit of a laugh, and have a break from life. I’m not having someone who doesn’t even know me spoil it for me, but I will not put up with this. I need to work out the best way to handle this without making it awkward for others or losing my head and causing a scene. I don’t like drama.

Looking for some wisdom here!

soapboxqueen Thu 21-Jun-18 08:15:42

I'm probably not going to be of much use here but I would have thought your options are; have it out with her, put up with it or leave the group.

The first will probably create drama and may alienate you from the rest of the group depending on what she had been saying behind the scenes.

The second would be quiet draining and frustrating long term.

The third option would also be frustrating but you wouldn't have the stress of it anymore.

Chocolate50 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:17:11

Take her to one side & tell her you've noticed her hostility towards you & that you aren't aware that there had been a problem.
Tell her its uncomfortable for you & invite her to explain her side.
She's either a complete bitch or she's got something wrong. If she's a bitch then it'll be someone else if it wasn't you.
If you try to resolve it & she won't i would leave this group & make sure you let people know why (in an open post?).
No one likes undercurrents & this has gone way beyond that.

HollowTalk Thu 21-Jun-18 08:18:59

Isn't this something for the personal trainer to deal with? That woman sounds an absolute bitch and it would be better if someone else dealt with it - she'll deny it if you do.

Chocolate50 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:20:23

Having said that I think you've been very self controlled. I probably would've pushed her off the cross trainer or thrown a trainer at her by now.
But since you have held it together my last post would be a more measured response!

AjasLipstick Thu 21-Jun-18 08:23:44

Don't let her bully you out. Kill the cow with kindness. Be cloyingly, horribly, falsely sweet and nice to her.

"Oh HI ANNA! Look everyone! It's ANNA...."

And ignore her.

kimber83 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:26:13

Ask her in a non confrontational way - use your words carefully and in a private space ("I feel like you're being hostile and it makes me feel unwell. Can you help me understand what you're thinking dose can fix it?").

But be prepared to walk away from the group tbh. Some bored people with too little to do in life haven't moved beyond playground friendships - there's always an outsider and it's nothing to do with anything you've done, it's just your turn. Yes, like bullies.

kimber83 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:26:45

Unwell?!

Unwelcome!

BasinHaircut Thu 21-Jun-18 08:26:49

chocolate grin I was very controlled last night believe me, if I’d opened my mouth at that point I would have gone way over the top and I am keen to remain the bigger person.

hollow I’m not going to approach the trainer just yet, because he is a massive gossip for starters. But I’m assuming that he knows she has a problem with me already as at least to others have done things that have inadvertently indicated to me that they know something and the nature of the clique probably means she feels quite ‘safe’ in her position to behave however she likes.

My interim plan is to try my best to make sure I join sessions she doesn’t, but I’m not making my life difficult, or missing out on sessions long term as a solution to this.

watchingwithinterest Thu 21-Jun-18 08:30:47

Unless you really really really like these people I would leave in a hearbeat. What is the point in pulling her up, she isn't going to change.

I would find a nicer group to hang out with and train with, you don't need to waste your life with people like this.

If anyone messages you tell them the truth.

I would also consider moving gyms to keep away from them, and enjoy my work outs in peace without the bad atmosphere.

MadMags Thu 21-Jun-18 08:36:12

Find someone else to train with.

stressedoutpa Thu 21-Jun-18 08:39:54

I find the easiest way to deal with situations like this is just to avoid the person. So I'd either avoid the sessions she attends or leave the group altogether.

Rubbish I know but I don't think that 'having it out' with someone ever works. She clearly doesn't like you and isn't going to be persuaded otherwise. It would be nice if a couple of people told her off but most people don't like to rock the boat.

The80sweregreat Thu 21-Jun-18 08:42:42

Its horrible when someone' takes against you' without you knowing why - i've had it happen to me before now and you just wondering what the problem is. sometimes its nothing, its purely them.

best ignore or move gyms if its that bad, life is to too short to let people intimidate you or make you feel bad. Some people are just weird.

agedknees Thu 21-Jun-18 08:43:11

For some reason she’s jealous of you. I would ask her what the problem is. Why should you stop doing something you enjoy because she has a problem?

ReanimatedSGB Thu 21-Jun-18 08:43:26

Is there another gym you can go to? If so, just go to that one and delete the Whatsapp group. It's not worth engaging with tiresome twats like this woman.

Piffle11 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:44:38

Would having it out with her achieve anything? She's acting like a school yard bully, and as she's not actually said anything to you directly (such as an issue she may have) then I can't imagine that confronting her will do any good. She will either go over the top at you or deny having an issue with you at all. If there isn't anyone in the group that you can trust to tell you what her problem is - without them running back to her and fuelling the fire - then I agree with others that it's time to ditch these meanies and find a nicer group.

GandalfsWrinklyHat Thu 21-Jun-18 08:45:59

I would really just go elsewhere. For me it won’t be the same anyway even if you managed to sort it out, tainted almost. Life’s too short and all that.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts Thu 21-Jun-18 08:47:05

she started digging me out about apparently putting weights down too noisily

What does this mean?

BasinHaircut Thu 21-Jun-18 08:47:44

watching you are probably right. I should just call it a day but it would be such a shame as other than this issue the arrangement is a good one. I couldn’t afford one to one so that isn’t really an option either.

But if I’m leaving, I’m going out with a bang and I’ll call her out in front of the lot of them. The more I think about it, the more I think she is just a nasty little bitch (who is almost 50 and should know better) and as someone else said, if it wasn’t me it would just be someone else.

Juells Thu 21-Jun-18 08:50:17

Isn't this classic bullying tactics? Why didn't you challenge her over the admin rights? How come she was able to remove yours? I'd tell the trainer she's bullying and isolating you - if you're gone, she'll look for another victim, so the trainer should be aware of it.

If you intend to leave I'd make sure to post that you're leaving because of her bullying.

Juells Thu 21-Jun-18 08:51:13

Sorry, cross posted with the OP who's making the same points rather better.

kimber83 Thu 21-Jun-18 08:52:35

* if I’m leaving, I’m going out with a bang and I’ll call her out in front of the lot of them*

you're just going to invite drama if you do that. some people may side with her, and you'll get hurt, and some will sypathise with you, which will impact the group, others will be sitting in the middle wondering why people make drama where there doesn't need to be any.

"calling her out" is basically suggesting public argument at the gym or online- what do you aim to achieve with it?

NobodysChild Thu 21-Jun-18 09:00:42

How do you know that this woman is discussing you if you don't know what has been said? The eye rolling and ignorance suggests that she does have a problem with you and I would definitely call her out over it. Sounds like she is jealous, as for what reason, that's her problem. I would also be asking why she has removed your admin status and why you weren't invited out. I would do this in the presence of others and see what her response is. You are not causing a scene, just merely wanting answers. Just say, can I have a word as I've noticed that you xyz . Also ask her, how you putting down the weights impacts her, what's her problem? She sounds like a total bitch and her actions are more suited to a playground than a gym.

BasinHaircut Thu 21-Jun-18 09:24:27

You are right Kimber I don’t want drama, I just mean that if I walk away I will make sure that everyone knows why, and I might as well ask her what her problem is, but I wouldn’t want to make her feel victorious in any way.

tells she was saying that me putting the weight bar on the floor was too noisy, but it was no noisier than what she has done a few minutes earlier when it was her turn. Plus she walked over from the other side of the gym and stood next to me to complain.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts Thu 21-Jun-18 09:30:19

tells she was saying that me putting the weight bar on the floor was too noisy, but it was no noisier than what she has done a few minutes earlier when it was her turn. Plus she walked over from the other side of the gym and stood next to me to complain.

Did you say 'It is no noisier than what you were doing not 5 minutes ago, and did you really need to walk all the way over here to complain? You seem stressed about something, are you sure you are ok?'

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