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AIBU?

AIBU to be annoyed at these parents?

16 replies

harrypotternerd · 21/06/2018 07:25

My daughter has made a very good friend at school in the last few months. They have become quite close and the girl is lovely but I am getting really annoyed with the parents.
Every single time they invite my daughter over to their house or to an event, they ask me if she can come over that afternoon during school pick up time and there has also been several occasions where the parents would have knows at least a week in advance of an event yet still only ask on the day of the event such as today, My daughter ran out of class with her friend and handed me an invitation for her friends birthday party tonight. The friends parents came over and they asked if my daughter was going to attend (it started half an hour after school finished) to which I replied 'oh I have only been given the invitation, I didn't realise a party was happening, daughter must have forgotten to give it to me'
The mother laughed and told me they only gave out the invitations today. AIBU to think this is annoying? I would normally say no but my daughter has ASD and has had a lot of trouble making and keeping friends. Are these parents just clueless? I normally give my kids invitations out at least two weeks beforehand and I always plan playdates at least a few days in advance.
I gave in and said my daughter could go but should I speak to these parents and explain to them that a little notice would be nice next time?

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 21/06/2018 07:28

They definitely need to know that notice is normal. Perhaps next time the even t could clash with something and you could gently explain that a bit of notice would be appreciated.

ThePencil · 21/06/2018 07:30

That sounds really irritating. They're effectively saying "We don't expect people to have anything better to do than attend our event, so we'll just inform them half an hour beforehand".

Yeah, if your DDs are friends, and you're likely to be receiving more invitations, I'd tell them you need at least a few days' notice.

Miloarmadillo2 · 21/06/2018 07:31

You are a planner and they prefer to be spontaneous. Inevitably there will be times when you already have plans and you say no to a short notice invitation, but why would you stop your daughter going if she would otherwise just be going home?

harrypotternerd · 21/06/2018 07:35

Milo, I am not stopping my daughter going, I did tell her she could go, but my daughter has ASD and if she is not told in advance of changes to her schedule then things can get overwhelming for her. I also didn't have the money to buy a birthday present for daughters friend.
I understand spontaneous playdates but birthdays don't change each year, surely it is polite to send an invitation in advance? same with events they have known about for weeks but only ask at last minute.

OP posts:
Jammycustard · 21/06/2018 07:40

No one sensible invited people to a party that day. How on earth can they plan it?

agnurse · 21/06/2018 07:41

I'd be telling them the minimum notice I require. (We can be a little more spontaneous in our house, but your DD has special needs.) Anything less than the required notice, and the answer is no.

EssentialHummus · 21/06/2018 08:02

my daughter has ASD and if she is not told in advance of changes to her schedule then things can get overwhelming for her.

Tell them. And a day's notice (or less!) for a birthday party is ridiculous - who'll turn up? People will be embarrassed at not having a gift/card ready, if nothing else.

FWIW my husband loves spontaneity and something like this would be his ideal - he finds it very stiff and artificial that people round here tend to plan get togethers weeks in advance. So I get where they're coming from, but that doesn't mean that you can't gently tell them that your DD's ASD means she needs more notice.

RedSkyAtNight · 21/06/2018 08:03

Sound like they are just disorganised. I think we all know people like that. Asking for more notice is unlikely to make them change!

DS's primary school best friend is lovely but his parents have driven me to distraction over the years by random last minute plans/changes/things they decided to do at the last minute.

DD is in Y7 and it looks like her mum is the same way (confirming an invite on the morning of the event, birthday party invite on Friday night for Saturday party). Thankfully DD is now old enough to sort the plans with her friend first!

The good thing is that disorganised people generally realise they are disorganised so don't take offence when you can't drop everything to accommodate them.

KC225 · 21/06/2018 08:24

Are they Swedish?

Its the norm up here, any form of planning or notice is seen as a weakness. In Scandinavia no one can hear me scream. So bloody annoying.

Lalliella · 21/06/2018 08:29

What is your DD’s reaction to these last minute invitations? If she’s ok with it, and isn’t doing anything else, I don’t really see the problem. I don’t know why you would be “annoyed” by this, perhaps just slightly inconvenienced. Some people are planners, some are spontaneous. All part of the rich variety of characteristics that make us human!

Butterymuffin · 21/06/2018 08:33

The same day invitation won't work for a lot of people. I wouldn't be able to do that. Say nothing for now and when only a couple of kids go to the party they may realise.

coffeeforone · 21/06/2018 08:53

I wouldn't be annoyed as such, but it's definitely not the norm to be that spontaneous!

Some of my DH's friends and family are like this! They are Indian and I've noticed it's more common in his culture to be disorganised/spontaneous. They planned our wedding from start to finish in 10 days, including invitations - hundreds still turned up!

coffeeforone · 21/06/2018 08:58

Also, on DS's 2nd Birthday, we had planned (in advance) a small tea party with very close family and friends.

The morning of his actual birthday, weather turned out lovely and DH wanted to change the plan to a big party at the beach, and invite everyone we knew to the 'party'. On a Sunday morning! We did have a bit of a disagreement about it!

PorkFlute · 21/06/2018 09:04

Is your dd upset by the lack of notice? If not I would leave it and just accept that people are different. If she is upset by it then maybe have a word.
One of my dc has asd and they’d be more upset if something was planned for wed for eg that didn’t end up going ahead than just being asked last minute on the wed.

PorkFlute · 21/06/2018 09:06

And while a days notice is unusual for a party (it has happened to be once but it was due to a mislaid invitation) it’s quite normal for kids in my dcs class to arrange going round for tea the same day at school pick up time.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 21/06/2018 09:16

They are ridiculous or completely bat shit, who invites people for parties on the same day?

It's not being spontanous, it's being self-centered and unrealistic.
Many kids are not picked up by their own parents, but have child minders or friends, or stay at clubs. They have after school activities, the kit ready in the car, it's not possible to suddenly drop everything and expect everyone to drop the kids to a party.

A casual invitation after school is different, and people soon figure out the days it won't work because their friends are busy.

OP do tell the parents that your daughter needs more planning.

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