Snooping...

[OhBabyNoName]

AIBU to think unless you have a real reason to think that DP is up to something, that snooping is totally out of order?

I see so many threads on here where people have stumbled across their partners' old texts, old emails, old photographs, old social media messages etc etc from years previously, but it's always miraculously 'by accident'

Am I alone in thinking that this just doesn't happen that often and you'd be really unlucky, out of all the things that you could stumble across, to stumble across this.

Now, I have been guilty of this. I snapped on my ex boyfriend's phone years ago, because I just knew he was cheating and needed to prove it before I left. Turns out he was, with my friend. I truly believe that the only situation in which this is ok is when you have a real solid reason to believe that cheating or dishonesty is occurring.

Current DP - very happy, never snooped, know he probably had an old email or two somewhere (I probably do too) - doesn't give me the right to read them!

I would be gutted if I knew DP went through my phone or laptop expecting to find something. Of course he wouldn't find anything other than photos of my old dog!

AIBU to think that we live in a snooping culture where people often aren't allowed privacy and that ease of digital communications seems to create this vast distrust of those around us? Yes, cheating happens, a lot, but I feel that snooping 9 times out of ten appears to leave people finding things from their partners' pasts. To me, this is a big boundary to cross.

I hope my post makes sense. I've written it pretty quickly so sorry if it's a bit jumbled! I'm genuinely curious as I see this so much on here...

[ConciseandNice]

YANBU. I hate snooping. Everyone deserves privacy. I would hate to think of my dh going through my things. I have nothing to hide but this is not the point. Sure if you have real reason to suspect something untoward and they aren’t telling you anything then maybe it’s understandable. But it’s diaturbing the amount of distrust and snooping that goes on.

[Clandestino]

YANBU. Me and DH leave our mobile phones and tablets around the house so if any of us wants to have a proper snoop, little effort is required. I don't do it, neither does he. I can imagine you would do it if you have a suspicion but the 'just in case' snooping is disgusting. My ex was insecure and totally jealous as a result and when we split he was dropping remarks in the sense that he was right when he suspected I had a fling with someone even though I never did. I hated that and felt like kicking his balls for that.

[OhBabyNoName]

I feel exactly the same. DP would find nothing of interest on my phone. I took a photo of my haemorrhoid once and forgot to delete it after a couple of days (didn't have a mirror to hand) that may have given him a fright!

My ex received a text from someone called 'Ryan' that said 'miss you baby' with about 8 kisses. He snatched the phone away from me so I asked him to see it at which point he stormed out of the house. I snooped and turns out that Ryan was actually Chloe (my friend) and they were at it like rabbits! This is the only time I have snooped and believe it to be a justifiable reason. I would've never trusted him if I hadn't have had a look.

Current DP - lovely. No reason to think he's cheating. Why on earth would I look? Just because I can? It's such a violation of privacy.

I know someone who does it every time their DP is in the shower. It's awful!

[Charm23]

Hard for me to answer because my DH and I are very open with each other about everything. We both share our locations on Google maps and have passwords to each others phone, email, social media, etc yet I never go snooping because I trust him 200% and he has never given me a reason not to. If I did go snooping, I wouldn't feel bad about it but that's probably because a) he knows I have access b) he has access to mine too c) we're very open with each other

[hididdlyhoneighborino]

Did you write your post so quickly because you're so busy being a hypocrite?

[OhBabyNoName]

hid how am I busy being a hypocrite?

[OhBabyNoName]

charm same in my family. My phone is constantly ringing as my family mostly live in Senegal, Italy and Spain. DP will happily pick up and he often (after asking) has conversations with them via WhatsApp groups on my phone. I don't mind this at all. If he went on my phone and read through my messages just in case I was talking to someone he didn't like or was up to no good, I would be gutted. It shows he doesn't trust me! I think there's a difference between snooping when you have a solid reason to believe cheating is happening, using DPs phone because you have a valid reason to, and snooping for no real reason other than because you have trust issues!

[cheapskatemum]

Slightly off the topic, but, if someone didn't want to get caught, why wouldn't they delete the incriminatory evidence? I don't snoop and do trust DH, but part of me thinks what's the point as I credit him with the intelligence to cover his tracks!

[Voice0fReason]

All completely open here but I would be annoyed if DH had gone searching through my stuff. Nothing to hide, just an expectation of trust and respect.

[busybarbara]

It depends on how nosey you are really. I often sneak a look at DH phone but I wouldn't talk about it or be affected by things I saw as that would be unfair and give the game away. It's just nice to look into someone else's world a bit.

[DramaAlpaca]

YANBU. I wouldn't dream of checking DH's phone, texts, emails and it wouldn't enter his head to check mine.

It would be a complete breach of privacy & trust & completely disrespectful.

[2ManyChoices]

A couple of years ago my husband accused me of cheating, he saw a message on Facebook messenger pop up on my screen that said something along the lines of "ok Hun, yeah I'm still on -street name- I'll see you Friday morning, looking forward to it" from a guy.
What he didn't know was that it was an old school friend turned tattooist and I was going to buy him vouchers, have a chat with a mate I hadn't seen for a while and that he's deffo not into women. However, caused a massive row, ridiculous, and he insisted on reading the rest of the messages, I then wouldn't buy the vouchers out of principle and still went for the cuppa. I wouldn't snoop on his phone. Might find a receipt for presents!!!

[Keepittenten]

That must be a typo...or it was lucky you never ‘snapped’ and farted,while checking your ex’s phone!

[BoomBoomsCousin]

I do think lots of households have quite lax privacy barriers between partners. Borrowing phones and computers. Linking up accounts. etc.
I've stumbled across messages and photographs of my DH's - I wasn't snooping but we are both a bit on the careless/can't be arsed side of privacy precautions when it comes to each other so it happens from time to time. It's never been anything that's made me concerned though so, of course, I haven't started a thread saying "just accidentally found a totally innocuous photo/text/email what do you all think.". So I don't think the fact there are quite a few of these types of threads means that lots of them have been lying about not snooping.

I also think that lots of people who have affairs act a bit differently so while someone may not have solid reason to think it, they may have an uneasy feeling and then when a particular name or something catches their eye they suddenly start to feel more uneasy and that becomes a reason to look further. Which isn't quite the same as someone who deliberately goes through messages everytime they can get their hands on their partner's phone.

[Monty27]

hididdlyhoneighborino
It's rather contradictory isn't it

[Sequencedress]

Dh and I leave our phones lying around and know the codes/have our fingerprints on each other’s phones, so having a look would be easy enough, but I don’t. I trust that DH doesn’t either. I routinely handed my phone over if driving and received a text (before cars got smart and now put you on DND automatically) for DH to read and reply to, and he’s handed his over if I wanted to take a picture or something and my phone has died/been left at home.
I’ve found the odd old photo as has he, but it’s more laziness on both our parts for not clearing out old emails/hard drives, and neither of us care. I do realise we’re on the laid back side of things, but he’s never given me any reason not to trust him, and vice versa.

[Bloodybridget]

I'd be furious if my DP looked at my phone, laptop, tablet without permission, and I'd never look at any of her devices either. It's like reading someone's diary FFS.

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I have never snooped on his phone even though I know the passcode for it I have no reason too I completely trust him and we have no secrets he knows the passcode for my phone and has never looked through it. I did go through an ex’s phone but that was because I had a gut feeling he was up to no good and I was proved right he was cheating on me and had made plans to leave me so I saved him a job and kicked him out.

[OhBabyNoName]

hid, monty - nothing in my post is contradictory or hypocritical. My personal view is that if your partner gives you reason to believe that something is going on, such as storming out of the house after receiving a flirty message about someone missing them and refusing to explain it then you have no choice but to determine what is going on yourself. I believe this is entirely different to looking through someone's phone for the hell of it with no reason to think anything is wrong, and completely down to general distrust and insecurity.

If you read my post you'll see I have not contradicted myself anywhere.

[OhBabyNoName]

2Many absolutely! To be honest it doesn't sound like there was anything untoward in that message? In your partners' shoes I would probably just presume a colleague or old friend.

[FindoGask]

I occasionally idly look through my partner's emails - we have access to each other's laptops, know each other's passwords etc. I think I do it because I'm nosy. I don't suspect him of anything untoward, I'm not interested. I don't like this about myself, but there it is. I'd be annoyed if I found out he was looking at my emails so I'm a total hypocrite.

Anyway, recently I was doing this and I found an email relating to a big cock-up he'd made, but that he hadn't realised he'd made, to do with selecting an area to work in for an upcoming career change. If it hadn't been discovered it would have been disastrous both for him and for the family, so I had to tell him that I'd been looking at his emails so that he could correct the cock-up. He was pretty good about it though, perhaps because in doing a bad thing I'd averted a worse thing.

[FindoGask]

I'm just* interested, I meant