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How to push this without DH thinking I'm having an affair

(93 Posts)
Flippetydip Wed 20-Jun-18 16:32:24

This is not really an AIBU because I can't imagine most people thinking IABU to want a certain level of control over my finances, so posting for ideas really.

We have always had a joint account and DH has total control over the finances (in as much as he knows what's coming and what's going out). I earn the lion's share of our income but have no idea on a day-to-day basis about our finances. He tells me often how the state of the mortgage is (very reasonable) and finances and never comments on what I spend - although he will occasionally say "if you need to buy anything major can it wait until e.g. next Monday when the credit card starts again?"

So whilst he has control, he is not in the slightest controlling, if that makes sense. However, I feel that I would like my own account for things like getting him surprises, or just having a bit of independence. I want to broach this but we've been married (very happily) for 14 years and to suddenly lump this on him I feel like he might feel like I'm planning to bugger off or something. I mentioned it back along and he just kind of swept it under the carpet.

He is an inherently lovely man and won't, I'm sure have an issue with it, but I can't see a way forward to starting the conversation and how it would even work. Currently both our salaries get paid into our joint account. Any suggestions gratefully received.

Allthewaves Wed 20-Jun-18 16:34:47

Dh I'd like us both to start savings accounts in our own name so we can buy each other presents etc

Gin96 Wed 20-Jun-18 16:38:03

Why don’t you know what’s in your bank account? You should know what your joint outgoings are?

SummerGems Wed 20-Jun-18 16:41:19

I think it’s not uncommon for one partner to do the financial stuff and the other one to just be a part of it.

My mum does all the finances and although my dad has full access to the bank accounts etc she very much is the one who pays the bills, sets up the direct debits that kind of thing.

PurpleChai Wed 20-Jun-18 16:43:32

Does he have his own separate bank account OP? I’m in the opinion you don’t need to ask permission or tell him you’re opening your own account, just do it anyway as you’re an independent adult.

Maybe he has concerns you can’t manage money well or something if he brushed aside your previous attempt to talk about it?

Flippetydip Wed 20-Jun-18 17:07:30

Yes, I can absolutely open my own bank account but where does the money come from to put into it?!

No, he doesn't have his own separate account.

And yes, I should know what's in our account and I should know what comes in and out, and when I ask, he tells me, but I just haven't shown a huge amount of interest to be honest. I know that's wrong but it is what it is.

Summer that's exactly, I have access but DH deals with everything.

confusedlittleone Wed 20-Jun-18 17:09:13

@Flippetydip do you work?

SkiFiend Wed 20-Jun-18 17:12:16

I always find joint accounts tricky in a marriage, esp if you have kids. You need to think about how you will split mortgage, bills, holidays etc. Will also leave him with less disposable income than you, if you split things equally, which might feel a bit weird.

(Not saying that any of the above is bad, at all, just that it's more of a change than just having your own account.)

Would having a separate credit card serve the purpose you want?

MyKingdomForBrie Wed 20-Jun-18 17:12:20

@confusedlittleone OP earns the lions share of the income.

I think you should just put it like that OP - my DH and I have our own accounts for non household money so we can buy each other presents etc.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Wed 20-Jun-18 17:12:32

Open the account and then just say to him “I want to take x amount out this month to save separately”...when he asks why or looks shocked just remind him that you mentioned it and it’s so when you want to surprise him it will be a surprise. Don’t make it ultra secretive or he will get suspicious but equally don’t await approval to open an account.

KirstenRaymonde Wed 20-Jun-18 17:16:53

Could you have a personal credit card that’s just paid off each month? Bill’s come to you so he wouldn’t know what you’ve bought.

Summer1986 Wed 20-Jun-18 17:20:21

Open a separate account, have your salary paid into that account then set up a monthly transfer to the joint account of however much you want to.
I never understood why some people only have joint accounts and not their own personal ones too.

NT53NJT Wed 20-Jun-18 17:20:53

I don't have a joint account with my OH. we are married. We both agreed what each of us should pay a month for outgoings (rent, utilities, etc) and her share gets transferred to my account to pass on to landlord and bills.
Then whatever is left from OH salary is hers and whatever is left from my salary is mine.

Really simple and works fantastically well. We have never once argued about money in the 8 years we have been together.

Flippetydip Wed 20-Jun-18 17:22:00

I will broach the subject and see how it goes. Appreciate the advice all, thanks.

Personal credit card probably would work but would also need personal bank account to pay it off. It's not even like I really want to be secretive, I just want some semblance of independence I think.

Ski I'm not sure I understand - or did you mean it the other way round? I've never really understood how friends manage with separate accounts - we've found it much easier with a joint, particularly since having the DC and particularly when I wasn't working after having them (which is actually I think when it started).

Loopytiles Wed 20-Jun-18 17:24:57

Move an affordable £X a month into a sole account, inform him, and if you think it fair ask if he wishes to do the same.

Loopytiles Wed 20-Jun-18 17:26:23

I have family members who did this after 35 years of all accounts being joint, because one was fed up with the other moaning about her spending on their grandchildren grin

Delatron Wed 20-Jun-18 17:27:14

We have a joint account which we both transfer money in to. This is for bills/food
and day to day family life. Then we have our own separate accounts. From this I'll buy what I consider 'extras' or treats. Clothes/
Facials/ make up/ presents will come out of my own account.

I think everyone. both men and women need their own accounts for a bit of independence.

BendydickCuminsnatch Wed 20-Jun-18 17:27:47

We have similar set up to you, everything joint and both can access and see everything. We also both have prepaid debit cards (Monzo cards) for our weekly spending, so we can’t see what each other spends so any surprises can come out of that. We just transfer our spending money out of the joint account and onto our cards every week. Monzo cards are great, recommend them to everyone!
Don’t see why DH wpuld think you were having an affair unless there are other problems.

BendydickCuminsnatch Wed 20-Jun-18 17:28:35

(Obviously that’s ‘Fun money’ not grocery spending etc!)

Isleepinahedgefund Wed 20-Jun-18 17:28:57

I think everyone needs their own account too, it’s important to have some independence even if you do combine finances.

AlbertaSimmons Wed 20-Jun-18 17:32:18

Not sure why anyone would think that someone wanting their own bank account must be having an affair confused. That's quite some stretch.

VickieCherry Wed 20-Jun-18 17:35:25

We have our salaries go into our own accounts, then have a direct debit set up to transfer most of it over to the joint account to cover mortgage, bills, joint expenses like dinners out, house stuff etc and a float.

We've always earned similar amounts so we've paid the same in, but if that changed we'd do it proportionally.

gamerwidow Wed 20-Jun-18 17:37:23

Open a bank account and tell your DH from now on you want standing order set up to transfer £x every month to your savings account because you want your own account for savings.

OMGtwins Wed 20-Jun-18 17:39:06

Tell him you'd like you both to have some guilt free spending money and to make you don't spend too much and so it's for surprises you'd like to have yours paid by direct debit into a seperate account at the beginning of the month, and ask him how much he thinks you should both have and where he'd like his money to go? (You'd have the same amount each, obviously.) Then say you'd like any remaining balance to go into a joint savings account. Pitch it as you both having money to spend, but doing it wisely by setting the monthly amount and saving the rest so you don't fritter it away.

I earn all the money in our house and that's what we do, one account for bills (joint), one savings account (joint), two individual current accounts for fun/treat money. We have a money managing app (Money Dashboard) where we can see the balances of all accounts (joint and individual) so nothings hidden.

Just be open with him, and if the amount isn't much he shouldn't be bothered, I reckon.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs Wed 20-Jun-18 17:39:30

Can you both not set aside a little each month in your own accounts for treats etc for each other with the majority of the monthly income going into the joint?

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