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To feel hurt by MIL's message?

(178 Posts)
sausageandsquit Wed 20-Jun-18 14:07:37

So I've known the my in laws for a very long time. Generally get on well. I do always feel a bit anxious around them though. I don't know why!

We've had one major disagreement and that has been to do with their dog and DD's arrival. The dog is aggressive with children and both DH and I are not happy with him being anywhere near DD.

This resulted in many many arguments conversations about how over the top we are, he's fine, he'll know that she's part of the family so won't hurt her, etc etc. DH very firmly told MIL to back off and stop going on about the dog because it's never going to happen.

DD is now 1 and today I've received an email with a link to an article about how damaging "helicopter parenting" is before the age of 2. I had to google what it was because I had never heard of it before. But I can't help but feel that it's a dig at me. I'm definitely anxious around them but not because I'm worried about DD, it's just because I'm near them!!!

With the link in the email she said she thinks parenting is hard with all the information available now so I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or overly emotional (currently heavily pregnant)!

Am I right to feel hurt by this? If not, tell me I'm a dick so that I can give my head a good wobble!!!

Thehop Wed 20-Jun-18 14:09:45

You’re not a dick and I think keeping your child away from a dangerous dog is definitely NOT helicopter parenting!

How do you want to respond? We can give you some corkers, or you can ignore and just say “you’re right, it is, that’s why I don’t read things like this”

SoddingUnicorns Wed 20-Jun-18 14:11:47

Send her back links to children who’ve been mauled to death because stupid owners insist they’re not a danger.

EatTheChocolateTeapot Wed 20-Jun-18 14:12:02

Keeping your child safe is not helicopter parenting.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin Wed 20-Jun-18 14:12:39

Send her some links to articles about dogs attacking children.

How fucking rude of her.

Ceecee18 Wed 20-Jun-18 14:12:53

YANBU, at all. Send her back some links to articles about dogs that have attacked children.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 20-Jun-18 14:13:02

Leave your DH to deal with her.

BarbarianMum Wed 20-Jun-18 14:14:10

Yes YABU to be "hurt". Try "cross" instead. Stupid woman. And yy to sending her articles about family dogs mauling children. Unfortunately you'll have dozens to choose from. angry

IsAnyoneElseMissingCheese Wed 20-Jun-18 14:14:26

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job, and I'd have made all the same choices!

Dogs are incredibly unpredictable, even the 'oh he's really friendly' ones. Baby's can pull at fur, having no idea and a dog could easily do some serious damage.

I think her email is incredibly passive aggressive, no doubt it has stung more as you're feeling very protective being heavily pregnant (although I'd be pissed even without the pregnancy!). I'd meet it with stone cold silence, don't acknowledge it at all and keep firm with your boundaries with the arrival of DC2.

Congrats too!

sausageandsquit Wed 20-Jun-18 14:14:29

Ohh I like that response!

I'm not sure how I want to respond...I've ignored it so far because I didn't know how to reply.

Told DH about it and he's not sure what she means by it, if she means anything?!

He said if she'd have sent the link with a "thought of you" sort of message he'd have phoned her up and called her out on it instantly.

He's not a mummy's boy by any means as is very much on my side with disagreements so I'm hesitant to go all in with a polite "fuck off" message, especially when he's not sure!

Flamingosnbears Wed 20-Jun-18 14:17:56

She's definitely being unreasonable, send the email back to her.

AdoraBell Wed 20-Jun-18 14:18:47

So she sent this just to you, not you and DH?

I would forward it to DH and talk with him, calmly, about this. It sounds like he is supporting you already, but he needs to know what his mother is playing at. Then he needs to tell her to back off, again.

eggsandwich Wed 20-Jun-18 14:20:19

Maybe send them a link about children being attacked some fatally by dangerous dogs and owners who insist their dog won’t hurt you.

Your child your decision, you most definitely do not need to risk a situation just so Mil isn’t upset by her dog and your child being in the same room.

ThreeIsACharm Wed 20-Jun-18 14:20:23

I would 100% do what SoddingUnicorns suggests.
Dogs can be lovely with children but even the nicest dog can snap.
If you and your dp feel the dog is a danger you are so right to protect your child. One incident and you child can be scared for life or worse.

Piffle11 Wed 20-Jun-18 14:21:53

She doesn't need to have written 'thought of you' - she sent the link for a reason! YANBU and she is being awful. Keep your child away from the dog - there are so many stories about how a previously docile family pet suddenly attacked a small child. Can she honestly say, hand on heart, that the dog WILL NEVER attack? Of course she can't - she might think/hope/believe it won't, but no-one can guarantee it. My MIL had two little soft, easy going terriers - one of them nipped my then 2 year old on her watch (she blamed the child, of course).

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Wed 20-Jun-18 14:22:39

You def need to reply and call her out.
Send her graffic pics of dc after dog attacks.
Then block her. Don't accept her criticising your parenting.

TheHonGalahadThreepwood Wed 20-Jun-18 14:22:39

Just ignore the email and don't bother mentioning it. If she asks if you've read the article tell her you didn't have time to do more than glance at it, smile vaguely, and move on to talk about something else. Don't engage.

DarlingNikita Wed 20-Jun-18 14:24:04

He said if she'd have sent the link with a "thought of you" sort of message he'd have phoned her up and called her out on it instantly.

She's too clever to have sent it with that sort of message. She's kept it deliberately vague.

I'd reply, copying in DH, saying 'Was this actually meant for me?'
Make her explain why she sent it.

What a bitch.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 20-Jun-18 14:25:16

I would send her link after link after link to all of the news reports of babies and children who have been killed by the family dog. There are thousands of them. Your MIL is a bitch.

catinasplashofsunshine Wed 20-Jun-18 14:25:21

I'm not a helicopter parent by any definition, but I'm very wary of dogs around kids. My sister's dog bit my youngest when he was playing on the floor at my mum's house - sister and dog lived elsewhere and came over unannounced so we weren't aware the dog was even in the house. Sister opened the door to the living room, dog flew in ahead of her as 18 month old daughter was whizzing his arms around with a toy in one hand, dog went straight for him.

The bite was ragged and took ages to heal.

Sister's response - he was only playing. I should have taught him to keep still if a dog "mouths" him. He was 18 months old.

Next time we visited mother promised dog wouldn't be there (as I said sister and dog don't live with mother) but lo and behold it was. Sister couldn't be upset by banning it. We'd travelled from abroad and just arrived after 10 hours travelling but mother served lunch under an awning in the garden in the rain as dog was in the house. When I protested she cried. I was therefore the bad guy.

Some people are utterly insane about dogs. The dog will always be a big softie and you will always be the bad person for not loving bringing it and your baby together. Until it bites DD. But that will still be your fault not the owner's nor the dogs.

Responsible dog owners wouldn't let you bring a 1 year old near an aggressive dog and would be the one most adamant about keeping them apart. Responsible dog owners know any dog can bite and wouldn't encourage contact between a 1 year old and any, even one which had never been aggressive, dog except under incredibly close supervision.

0ccamsRazor Wed 20-Jun-18 14:26:44

Ask your dh to send her a link about child safety and dogs.

Minster2012 Wed 20-Jun-18 14:27:46

So sorry to hear this, you are NOT BU to be upset. It’s always dickish behaviour to actively send something critical of someone’s parenting. As someone with 2 dogs & 5 weeks away from PFB arriving same as most ppl under no circumstance will DS be left alone with dogs until much older, & they are super friendly & child safe. Accidents waiting to happen children & dogs.

Regroup with DH as he obviously supports u in this & either ignore or ask him to have a word & explain that they had their parenting time & now it’s time to enjoy being less hands on grandparents which WILL ONLY happen without DDog around & NO MORE CRITICISM as it’s pushing u both away or do it together as a united front or they won’t be able to see their grandchildren.

Bloody ridiculous

catinasplashofsunshine Wed 20-Jun-18 14:28:20

*ds autocorrected to daughter

rockcakesrock Wed 20-Jun-18 14:28:57

I would send this,
Dear Mil, I am very grateful for the link you sent me, it will really help. I do think sharing information and educating one another is important. Here is a link about the number of children mauled by a family dog. I am sure you will be as surprised, as I was, that in every case the dog’s owner had stated that the dog had never previously hurt anyone. So sad that they will have to look at the scarred child for the rest of their life. If only there had been more helicopter dog ownership, these tragedies would not happen.

kerryleigh Wed 20-Jun-18 14:32:27

I have a small dog and he is the most "zen" creature alive grin he must be Buddha reincarnated. My great nephews will move in with us shortly. The condition was they will never be left alone with the dog. You never know! If the dog was aggressive, the move would've been out of the question. You are right

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