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AIBU?

When does a story become my story too?

74 replies

SlipperTastic · 20/06/2018 12:41

So I am about to start a blog, purely for fun and for mental health reasons.

Up until now my semi estranged mother has been my biggest rah rah rah supporter for me to get it started since the stories I have to tell are actually rather funny at times.

But, now that I have sent her the first entry which starts of with explaining how I became to be half from a different country i.e. How my parents met; she has turned around and said she does not want me to write about that at all.

I have been very complimentary about her in the sketch that I have written. Because it is a sketch in which my parents are more portrayed as cartoon characters - her as the innocent young beautiful model and my father with the throbbing red Jaguar E-Type with the registration number spelling out VULTURE in her language sporting a pornstar moustache.
Her version is obviously very different and includes years of heart ache and I do understand that.

But what she must understand is that my version also does exactly that. Her choices affected my life and it was the choices that she made after the divorce that caused our estrangement. So the fact that she did not bad mouth my father has no baring on that.

And the next chapter she will most definitely not like either then will she? Because that will be Husband number two and he really was a mean old bastard.
But once again my intent will be to skate over the bad bits and make light of it without exactly hiding the truth.

Who is she to edit my life? She already asked me to unfriend and break contact with a cousin because it linked back to her sister, and I did, no problem.

After the first two chapters she will disappear anyway. I left her and the country behind. And I very much doubt that anyone in her home country would ever bother reading a blog in English. I'm not that bloody clever!

So, my AIBU is this - am I being unfair to my mother to write a funny story about how she met my father when it led to divorce and made her very sad?

Oh and I said the car was Red - the car was apparently White, it only turned red later etc etc etc etc etc

OP posts:
WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine · 20/06/2018 12:44

Why can’t you respect her feelings and privacy? No better than plastering kids all over Facebook when they don’t want to.

SlipperTastic · 20/06/2018 12:58

I can see your point, but I am not planning on telling anyone in real life about the blog.

It really is just a quick sketch. People on here share how their parents met all the time.

I'm just cross and disappointed I guess.
Bleurgh...

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 20/06/2018 13:00

She’s not editing your life, she’s objecting to to you sharing bits of her life that she doesn’t want to share.

Does this particular portion have to be shared online?

Spaghettijumper · 20/06/2018 13:03

Lots of writers come up against this problem - it's a really tough one. Only you can decide how important it is for you to write what you want to write given the consequences of that.

Spaghettijumper · 20/06/2018 13:05

I would say though that using your writing as a way to express unresolved feelings towards your mother isn't very mature. If you have a bone to pick with her, pick it, don't use the writing to do that.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/06/2018 13:06

I think you're OK to stick to your guns - you have changed enough significant detail for it not to make her identifiable. And your story is your story.

Frogscotch7 · 20/06/2018 13:08

I think you’ve two options. Either remove the stuff about your mum and stick to your immediate experiences or publish the whole lot anonymously without showing your Mum at all.

NerrSnerr · 20/06/2018 13:12

To be fair to your mum I think you need to either edit her out or make a completely anonymous blogs under a pseudonym (with no pictures) and change enough details that no one would recognise her. I'd really hate if someone wrote about me in this way.

Durianfruit · 20/06/2018 13:13

But why does she know about it? Is she reading it? Was the cousin, and your family at large reading it? The point of blogging is its anonymity, surely -- why are you telling her what you are writing, especially if you are doing it to help your mental health?

And you sound as if you are self-censoring, anyway, by turning your parents into funny cartoon characters and 'skating over the bad bits' of her second marriage -- wouldn't it be easier to keep your blogging strictly private and write the unvarnished truth as you experienced it?

I'm a novelist, so in a sense I understand the issues, but also, surely you can understand your mother being upset that you are turning something she experienced as unhappy into a sort of comedy cartoon strip?

SlipperTastic · 20/06/2018 13:16

Oh I am not going to be resolving anything about my mother at all on there.

All I am intending to do is to write funny stories - and how my parents met is a funny story. It's just a shame that it happened to end in divorce.

I grew up on an isolated island, in a cabin with no running water or electricity. That is a fact, and it is a funny way to grow up. I did not wash a lot and I had a lot of other adventures which were great fun which I would like to tell in other short sketches.

But it is also a fact that it was the Bastard who brought us out there to further isolate and he ended up in a sump pump.
But I am not going to dwell on shit like that, and I am not going to make her look bad. But yes. It wasn't always super great, but it is in my nature to find the funny side.

And I find that helps...

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 20/06/2018 13:19

I'm not judging you at all but there are clearly strong unresolved feelings going on and that's probably partly why your mother is unhappy - possibly because she doesn't really want to address that time and face her own failings. Also, if it was a hard time for her you making it out to be funny (when it sounds like really it was quite awful) is probably getting to her too.

That's not to say you shouldn't write it, but I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself at least about how you feel.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/06/2018 13:20

Why did you send it to her if you didn't want her opinion?

Why are you putting it out there if you don't think anyone 'in real life' will read it?

You talk about 'chapters' and 'sketches' in quite a serious way for someone who's just writing for fun. Why not just keep a diary you don't show to anyone?

pinkdelight · 20/06/2018 13:25

They do say all writers have a sliver of ice in their heart. Write what you like, but don't expect her to be pleased about it.

Smallhorse · 20/06/2018 13:27

I think you should respect your mother’s unhappy past and not turn it into YOUR funny story.

TheNavigator · 20/06/2018 13:28

There is nothing wrong with writing things down as part of dealing with them. But why do you then have to publish it online, so effectively to the whole world? I can understand your mum wanting to keep private things private - I would feel the same. I do not understand this compulsive need to overshare. Keep it to yourself, as you mum has requested. But then, I am the mother who won't put pictures of my children on Facebook without their permission. It is called mutual respect.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 20/06/2018 13:28

How your parents met is not YOUR story, and you are very unkind to make a joke out of events that will make your mother upset. You won't even born when they met, so you are just imagining the whole thing anyway.

pinkdelight · 20/06/2018 13:28

"Why not just keep a diary you don't show to anyone?"

That's what I'd have thought - or go the other way and transform it into fiction. But now everything has to be out there for some reason. I caught some of that 'Just Tattoo Of Us' show the other night where 'friends' are tattooing things on each other that honestly wouldn't even be worth scribbling down on a scrap of paper. The constant stream of self-expression conversely renders most things meaningless.

[irony emoji required]

MeMyShelfandIkea · 20/06/2018 13:30

Write what you like but keep it either private or anonymous. Your mother doesn't deserve to have her mistakes made the subject of public finger pointing and laughing any more than yours do.

User19992018 · 20/06/2018 13:31

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

SlipperTastic · 20/06/2018 13:35

Thank you so much for your thoughts.

They have been very helpful and I am taking them on board. Though I will once again stress I was very complimentary about my mother throughout.

You are right, thinking about my childhood in that country makes me very angry if a do so in a negative light. But it is also very easy for me to stow it away in a box and sort of pretend it happened to someone else since it happened in another language - and a large part of me finds it very hard to believe that I ever lived there until the age of 17.

I will start again!

My mother will be erased from the blog, as she was erased from my life at 17. She will be happy.

Thank you people!

OP posts:
Sleepyslops · 20/06/2018 13:36

So your mum had years of heartbreak and you want to turn that into a funny sketch? No wonder she is upset!

onalongsabbatical · 20/06/2018 13:37

If you're a writer you can write about anything No no no no no. If you're a writer your responsibility is to explore and articulate your truth and your language. Don't censor yourself. Don't write for your mother's approval. You can only write what's in you to write. Your responsibility is to write it WELL and improve your writing. Not to meet anyone else's expectations of what should or shouldn't be written.

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MeMyShelfandIkea · 20/06/2018 13:38

If she feels hurt, she feels hurt no matter how complimentary you feel you have been. When we hear things about ourselves it's inherent in people's nature to take to heart only the bad things and minimise the good things.

You've made the right decision, good luck with your writings.

onalongsabbatical · 20/06/2018 13:38

Faulkner.

When does a story become my story too?
AttilaTheMusical · 20/06/2018 13:39

When I was younger I went through several very traumatic events, and it was very cathartic to write it all down, so I do understand how telling your story as you see it would help you make sense of your past.

However... I wrote it all in a notebook. It was in the days before blogs, but if I'd written it recently there's no way I would have even considered putting any of it online at all.

Sorry OP but you are being a bit U.

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