That I am BU and need to stop being a busy body! Or am I the nightmare SIL?

[Lemonsmakelemonade]

Basically I've been through an unsettling, but not totally awful, 12 months. I left a job because I realised it wasn't for me (having never 'quit' anything before in my adult life) and then plunged my family into a bit of a financial tailspin. However DH who had been a stay at home dad, went out and got a challenging well paid job back in his field of expertise. I have gone self employed and it's going really well. My youngest DC started school full time. Unfortunately DH's DD has been given months to live after being diagnosed with bowel cancer. It's all very upsetting. Anyway I'm digressing a bit, but at the weekend we were at DH's parents and my SIL (DH's sister was there). I have now been told through my MIL that she finds me really patronising and condescending. I'm not quite the nightmare sister in law but maybe that's how she sees me. I'm now feeling really awful, because I offered to trim her DD's (my niece) daughter's fringe and also because yesterday I sent her a message saying we needed to make sure MIL (her mum) looked after herself while all this stuff is going on. I now feel I've put my oar in and been a right old busybody. My own DM and my sister tell me that because I'm quite a high flyer and live my life a bit 100 miles an hour I might annoy my SIL. Now really I'm working out how basically not to be myself around her and step back as she and my DH are obviously having to deal with other stuff. It;s not as if I haven't got my own life and my two DCs to be looking after. I have just wanted to help. I know (but from my MIL) that SIL has had a lot of money worries but obviously I can't say that to her. I offered to trim the fringe because niece is 16 months old and not quite yet walking, and her fringe was falling in her eyes - I had fringe scissors and was about to do my own DD's hair. Anyway how do I stand back and let everyone get on with things?

[Queenofthestress]

Easy, unless they specifically ask for something like fringe cutting, don't say anything
The note to your mil was lovely, although I wouldn't have said remember to look after yourself, I would have seen if there was anything I couId do so she could get some down time? I really don't know haha

[outofmydepth45]

Don't say we when it's an adult on equal footing. It's her mother. You control your actions.

Using we means you are directing her to look after her own mother and yes that is patronising.

But it doesn't sound like it came from a bad place. It's going to be hard for all. Just let them know your available to them and let them ask you for help

[NomNomNomNom]

I think perhaps if you're going to offer help you need to find a different way of doing it that comes across as less bossy. (I'm not suggesting you actually are bossy just that may be how SiL interprets it). Approach it as you would if you were the employee and you're asking your manager what you should do next rather than assuming an authoritative air.

For example if you want to support your Mil you could ask SiL's advice about how best to do this. If you're cutting your DD's fringe and want to offer to do DN's too phrase it in a way that makes it clear that that's why you're offering (not because you've noticed DN's fringe is too long).

[Lemonsmakelemonade]

out but isn't we also implying it's a team effort and we are all there to help together? Queen yes I will say help is there and leave it at that.

[GinNeeded]

No you sound caring and involved with your in-laws to me!

I am aware not everyone feels the same as me and I have frantic pace of life at times, so just get things done.

There's a difference between offering help and support, or taking over and bulldozing everyone though and I have to keep myself in check!

That you are concerned by what has been said means that you are not THAT sil.

I understand it's fil who has cancer? If so emotions will be running high naturally and sil could be more sensitive than normal.

What was the context of you being told?

If it's only what you have posted and be honest with yourself, then I wouldn't worry. Just be aware of how you offer help so the impact on others isn't negative.

[Rednailsandnaeknickers]

Is DHs DD darling Dad or Daughter? DD on this site usually means daughter but it doesn't quite read right here so I'm thinking father instead? Please say its not your SIL child with the fringe who is terminally ill???

[ArfArfBarf]

Nightmare SIL, maybe not.
Patronising and condescending, yep I can see it.

What made you think she needed reminding to look out for her own mum?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Yes, one can feel patronised if on the receiving end of unasked for advice. Keep reminding yourself never to give advice unless someone asks you for it. You won't succeed, but you should get better at it with time. Try and remember what seems like an obvious solution to you may not work for the other person for reasons you don't know about. If the urge to help/sort out problems gets too great, you can try questions rather than advice, or "I had this problem and did this" It will still come over as smug and patronising but not quite so much as direct advice. (On MN you can indulge your urge to be helpful for all you're worth because it's complete strangers who think you're smug and patronising).

Actually even if someone asks for advice, it's usually best not to give it. Suggest some options, maybe, but they need to feel that they've solved the problem. (And if they perceive it as following your advice, it's more likely to go wrong, and they will blame you).

And don't feel guilty - if your SIL has a problem with you she should address it with you. Or if she doesn't want to, it's fine for her to have a grouse about it with her own DM - but it's not DM/your MILs place to bring it up with you - that's quite rude and hurtful.

Oh, and one thing MN has taught me is that toddlers' hair is sacred and only ever to be touched with the explicit permission of the mother, and not cut by anyone else ever!

[Durianfruit]

Honestly, if I got a message from a SIL I already found patronising telling me ‘we’ needed to make sure my mother took care of herself during my father’s final illness, I’d be tempted to tell her to butt out.

[Zoflorabore]

I read it as dh's own dd has cancer but looking at it again the context may mean that his dad has cancer. Not sure?

[BitOutOfPractice]

I think your own mom and sister have tried to find a very kind way to say "you're a bit too full on and too much. Tone it down a bit". I think that's all you need to do. Tone it down and think how your words might sound to others. I know you are trying to be kind but sometimes you need to tread softly are carefully.

[Ohyesiam]

Just step back and don’t assume you know what needs to happen.

Wouldn’t it be better to offer help rather than saying you needed to make sure mil looked after herself? It does make you sound like you think you’re in charge, because let’s face it, it will have occurred to sil that her mum might need to look after herself while her husband is dying.
Pp is right about “ we” , again makes you sound like you are giving orders, not offering something.

BUT you are aware of what you are doing, and it sounds like your heart is in the right place. Just pausing and seeing how what you are about to say will ripple out might help a lot.

Good luck with it. Families can be sooooo tricky.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

I read it as the father of the OP's husband is terminally ill, so FIL.

The other DD (with the fringe) is the SIL's daughter and OP's niece.

[Crunchymum]

Just send another message.

Apologise for being so full on and let her know that you love her mum and dad very much and want to support them (and her and your DH) but you'll take her directio.

Platitudes are sometimes crap and sometimes they aren't. Let her know she can call on you day and night. Let her know you'll be there when she needs you.

[JamieVardysHavingAParty]

And yes OP, clearly you meant well, but I think you have been overbearing.

[Lemonsmakelemonade]

Art I'm closer to my MIL than SIL is, I see her a lot more and talk to her most days. It's just the way our personalities are. SIL often doesnt call her mum for weeks and she didn't see her for nearly a year before FIL got diagnosis a couple of months ago.

[KurriKurri]

Slightly confused as to whether it is your DH's daughter or father who has cancer/ I am guessing it is father so will base my answer on that (apologies if wrong)

I can see you are coming from a good place, but having a family member who is dying will obviously put a tremendous strain on them. Your SIL will be going through and awful time just as your Dh and MIL are. My guess would be that she is very sensitive to anythign at the moment and she took your well meaning message of 'we should all look after MIL' as saying 'you aren't pulling your weight with MIL' which is understandable on her part, to her it may have sounded both critical and dismissive of her own grief at the situation.

I would slightly back off, (in terms of what you say - it is easy to say the wrong thing when people are going through something really awful) but make it clear you are there to offer practical help - shopping, other tasks etc - without involving anyone else, just speak for yourself and what you will do, rather than telling others what they need to be doing.
Your SIL with have thought a great deal about how she is going to deal with the situation, how best to help her Mum, how she is going to cope - being told by you how she needs to behave may have felt like the final straw, and the suggestion that she needs to look after her Mum is pretty patronising - as if she hadn't thought of that pretty obvious thing to do.


Regarding the haircut - don't offer unless you are asked (or ask in a very general way 'anyone else want a trim while I've got the scissors out ?')

[MereDintofPandiculation]

but isn't we also implying it's a team effort and we are all there to help together? It doesn't com over that way, I think because the person saying it obviously is already convinced that it's a team effort, so the subliminal message is "you need to step up to the team and help".

But the fact you've taken the feedback on board and are asking for help in how to change shows you are a nice person with your heart in the right place. Relationships with your SIL will be repaired in due course, but it may have to wait until current troubles are over.

[Brunsdon1]

You do sound like you mean well but try to think of it like this

Do you really think SIL hasn't thought that she needs to look after her mother?do you honestly believe she hasn't got the intelligence or wherewithal to consider this?

You may mean well and want to help, but you sort of seem to assume you are the only one that thinks this or has the capacity to see what needs to be done? Consider that the SIL is just as capable as you and has thought of xyz may mean you are more likely to word things that you are there to help rather than intimate she hasn't had the brain to think of an idea

She may well have and have a plan in place so maybe ask ? What's your plan around x y z? Can I help at all?

But yes please don't say We...it does unintentionally come across as condescending

[Singlenotsingle]

Would it be OTT to send her some flowers? With a note to say "it was lovely to see you the other day, and I think (niece's name) is gorgeous"? Or would she take it the wrong way?

[chocatoo]

I think that you have a good hear, maybe you just need to find a different way of phrasing things? Maybe invite SIL for a coffee and have a heart to heart. Be honest and say what you have said here.

[chocatoo]

heart

[mydietstartsmonday]

Don't worry too much about it. Just get on with your life and support your DH & MIL. Just be aware that you can wind up your SIL.
Over baring = getting things done when no one else wants to do them.
Maybe call your SIL and ask her how she is doing.
You are you - she can either like you or not.

[Outlookmainlyfair]

Why not just talk about it? I find the difficult thing about inlaws is being so close by family without really knowing them as individuals. How about being open and saying that you want to help and be there but that your own family (therefore not blaming your MIL) has mentioned that you can alienate people due to your personal style and that you don’t want be overbearing just helpful?
It took me years to realise that my sil is just very shy not rude (I did not take it against her I just got myself down thinking that I had done something wrong and as heartily relieved when I worked it all out).

[Notonthestairs]

I don't think you've done anything too terrible - maybe just a bit over enthusiastic. I take it she hasn't replied to your message about your Mil?

I'd follow it up with a simple short to say "I'm keen to support you and DH in any way I can but I will take my lead from you - just know if there is anything you need I'm here".

And then wait.

I have a child with ASD and learning difficulties and honestly the amount of unsolicited advice gets me down. I know it comes from a good place etc but often I just need to talk and be heard.