To have the wedding I want

[mintich]

This could be a hugely long story but I'll try and keep it short. Sorry in advance if I end up drip feeding!
So my mum has problems with anxiety and depression. She takes medication although does nothing else to help. She isn't supposed to drink on this medication but always does. When she drinks, my brother and I can't stand to be around her. She is argumentative and downright nasty.....She can be like this sober too.
Other times, she is lovely!
Both my brother and I have suffered from anxiety in the past but we have realised the root cause is my mother. When I was diagnosed with it, she seemed happy.
Anyway she avoids social occasions but tries to ruin them for everyone else. If she does attend them, she will get hideously drunk and turn nasty.
In the past I have avoided having birthday celebrations, didn't go to my graduations, cancelled my baby shower, as she starts saying she doesn't want to go then gets annoyed if my father still wants to attend.
She also didn't attend my child's christening telling me "she's seen a christening before" the week leading up to it she stopped talking to me, then started talking to me again a few weeks later like everything was fine.
Anyway, my brother keeps saying to me that I should get married abroad as mum won't come and might try to stop my dad coming.
She is already making excuses about why she doesn't want to come. I have said, if she doesn't want to, then don't. My brother and I do believe it would be a much happier day without her as she'll probably get drunk and nasty.
But it's weird that my mum can't just lay off the drink for one day!
I'm sick of never having an event for myself so this time I want it whether she chooses to come or not. Is that selfish?

[Gazelda]

Not selfish in the slightest! I think you are being very sensible and I hope that you have a perfect day.

[MatildaTheCat]

Do it and tell her afterwards! Cut the drama. Do you want to get married abroad? Only do so if that’s you dream wedding, not to solve the mother issue.

She honestly doesn’t deserve to be pandered to this time.

[agnurse]

You're not selfish. The sad reality is that you can't make her stop drinking. She has to make that choice for herself.

You might consider looking into Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. The former is for loved ones of people with drinking problems, and the latter is specifically for those whose parents have drinking problems. The goal of these programs is for loved ones to understand that the drinking isn't their fault, and they can't control it, and to provide them with emotional support.

[mintich]

I'll have a look at those groups. My partner always asks if she is an alcoholic and I say no because she doesn't drink every day etc. But I suppose if drinking interferes with your life then perhaps she is one.i just don't understand how she can possibly think anyone has had a nice time when she's like that

[GreenTulips]

Have you recorded her behaviour

[mintich]

@greentulips no but I could reel off incident after incident.
I swing between two moods with her when she's like this either upset or j shout at her. Neither work. Tried saying something when she's sober but it just becomes an argument. As she's nice sometimes, I often don't want to ruin it by bringing up her behaviour.

[Jaxhog]

An alcoholic is someone who can't control their drinking, which doesn't necessarily mean they drink every day. She needs help. Going to al-anon sounds like a good first step for you.

[lardymclardy]

She definitely sounds like an alcoholic to me and it's probably best you don't have her there - social occasion esp a celebration with probably drink flowing (without a problem for everybody else) will be a major problem for her especially with the anxiety. Just one to calm the nerves... ! She will probably be happier not to be there, but this doesn't address her underlying issue sadly. Only she can do that.

[Echobelly]

I'd get married without her, tell her afterwards and if she complains say that maybe this can be the wake-up call about her drinking. Presumably she'll claim she wouldn't have got drunk then, but obviously she has form.

[FlirtyRomanticToast]

Sounds like absolutely the right thing to do. Whether you (and your DP) wish to get married abroad or not you shouldn't feel bad not inviting your mother. Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials OP

[mintich]

I always thought I'd get married abroad to avoid all this but now I want the big wedding. I don't want another milestone missed or ruined because of her. I expect she'll eventually say she's not coming.
She's already made my dad change hotel twice for no reason. Said she wouldn't come because she wanted her own hairdresser. There are plenty here! Now she's saying the church will be claustrophobic......
She did all this with the christening and them never came.
My brother then commented that we know the day went smoothly because she wasn't there

[mintich]

I had a read of the adult children of alcoholics website and a lot of the content is ringing true

[LagunaBubbles]

Don't let her ruin this for you. Please. And don't feel guilty whatever you decide to do.

[KC225]

Stop accommodating her. Don't change or arrange anything else for her. Stop mentioning your wedding. It's your special day, and you deserve what you want without the extra stress. Do not allow her to ruin it.

I also think your mother is an alcoholic and I say his as the daughter or an alcoholic.