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AIBU to be planning on leaving my Dh without him knowing

(142 Posts)
InNeedO Tue 19-Jun-18 16:38:37

hi all name change for this one. marryied 4.5 year with 2 DC. Ds is 2 on 3rd July - i plan to leave Dh just after this. the reason i am waiting is so he can have one last birthday with him as a 'happy family' and it will also give me a bit of time to get some money together
dh has no clue at all i am planning this, i am leaving due to a long build up of moments. he is always miserable when he is with me and its got me fed up 24/7. he is happy with everyoneelse just when he is home he wants to do anything but spend time with me, hasnt said i love you in about 8 months, only had sex about 5 times in that period, im constantly walking on egg shells, feel so down and alone - dont know if im over reacting? i love him to pieces, but really dislike him at the same time. i know it will kill me for a few months but i know in the long run i will be happier. i have a fear i will back out of thisblush aibu to get up and leave with him children without warning?

InNeedO Tue 19-Jun-18 16:41:36

sorry for the bad spelling, rushed typing this post as he is due home from work soon

calzone Tue 19-Jun-18 16:43:38

Does he know you feel like this?

Could you not discuss it with him first to see if he could get better?

redexpat Tue 19-Jun-18 16:44:07

Have you talked to him about this at all?

MissionItsPossible Tue 19-Jun-18 16:44:26

Sorry to hear you're so down. I think it depends on where you're planning on going. If you're planning to move to the other side of the world then that is BU. If it's half an hour away it's not so bad but I'd find it a bit underhand.

NoTeaForMe Tue 19-Jun-18 16:44:32

Yes YABU, you should talk to him about it. Have you tried counselling? Have you tried working it out? Do you want to make it work? How old are your children?

knockknockknock Tue 19-Jun-18 16:45:23

Have you tried to sort out the problems? If not then surely your family deserve a chance to get things back on track. If however you have tried then you sound like you'd be happier without him.

Would you be happy if he suddenly left you without giving you a chance to resolve things?

He could be suffering from depression or similar - often easy to pretend to the outside world everything is fine but much harder to keep up the pretence at all times.

ReadytoTalk Tue 19-Jun-18 16:45:30

Haven't you talked to him about it? Have you thought about having counselling together if you don't know how to have the conversation with him? It seems a bit unfair that if you're both stuck in a rut that you'll just walk out rather than work on it especially with a child in the middle of it.

PaddyF0dder Tue 19-Jun-18 16:45:44

No, that would be an horrific thing to do to him.

Would you be taking the kids with you? Or abandoning them too?

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 19-Jun-18 16:45:44

If you're walking eggshells around him because you're scared of his reactions or have any history with him where he has been violent (to you or inanimate objects), he has a history of overreacting or you feel he would not give any support during split, than YANBU.
But it's never a bad idea to have an emergency account, a support network etc whether you stay or not. It may be an idea to talk to him once the baby is here and routine established and then tell him that you aren't happy, he doesn't seem happy and you want to talk about co-parenting instead of struggling on in a marriage that isn't working.

Racecardriver Tue 19-Jun-18 16:45:51

Well you should probably at least try to fix your problems first given that children are involved.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn Tue 19-Jun-18 16:46:00

Have you talked to him to try and salvage for the children's sake? Would you be happy if he did this the other way round?

LeighaJ Tue 19-Jun-18 16:46:05

Considering you have kids together and there isn't abuse involved or an affair by the sounds of it, then yes YABU.

Lethaldrizzle Tue 19-Jun-18 16:47:25

I think you should at least talk to him first. Having young kids can wreak havoc on a relationship, but once you get through that bit things can get better. I think its a bit early to throw in the towel but ultimately only you know what you can endure

BigGrannyPants Tue 19-Jun-18 16:48:20

YABU why wouldn't you want to try first? If you are genuinely ready to leave you can't just disappear with the kids. Don't bring them in to the adult stuff, sort that out between the two of you.

KeepingTheWormsQuiet Tue 19-Jun-18 16:49:34

Are you in any danger or is he abusive? You talk about "walking on eggshells". If not, then I think it would be fair to discuss the problems with him first.

One of my in-laws came home from work and found a note from his wife saying that she'd left him (no kids involved). Surprisingly when he later decided to leave his long-term partner (again no kids) for another woman he also packed up while she was out and left a note. I was surprised that he'd done that after knowing what it had been like for him to be left in that way.

Clubcuts Tue 19-Jun-18 16:49:44

What about trying to talk? Does he have any idea?

Also why up and leave? Are you taking the children?

If you want to separate and no history of abuse then why don't you discuss what's best for the whole family? It might be him moving out so the children are not put out of routine.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun Tue 19-Jun-18 16:51:17

You should really discuss this with him first. Why wouldn't you try and work it out if that's a possibility?

FredSheeran Tue 19-Jun-18 16:51:57

How do you plan to explain this to the children? And your extended family? And the DC's nursery? And your friends? And his in-laws?

You might be avoiding one difficult conversation by just walking out without telling him, but it's just the start. Your life won't just reboot and start again afresh somewhere else. If you're scared of him having a violent reaction, or if there's emotional abuse involved, that's a rather different picture, but your OP makes it sound as if you haven't even discussed why he's behaving like this.

Chairpatiobike Tue 19-Jun-18 16:52:56

Is he abusing you? Or the children?

If the answer is No then you are being completely and totally unreasonable. Why does he not get a chance to help make things better.

You're actually planning on just walking out with the children?
Like "see ya love, I don't fancy this anymore, come on kids let's go live with aunty Jo"

WHAT! It seems like a very spiteful thing to do.

Is there more to this story?

Mountainsoutofmolehills Tue 19-Jun-18 16:53:08

ok. how much money have you got set aside? How many months rent will it cover. You will need more homecare for kids now you are a lone parent. Will you have family to support you.

How you gonna do it, just take a van and take the whole damn lot? You will need help, it'll be too much to do it alone.

Does the thought of sex with him make you flinch? Do you not like the person you are with him? Was it like this before? why have things changed so much on having kids.

LunaTrap Tue 19-Jun-18 16:53:21

In the absence of abuse this is a really unkind thing to do to someone and will also probably ruin any chance you have to be able to co-parent amicably in the future.

Grandmaswagsbag Tue 19-Jun-18 16:56:05

Unless he is an abuser, which would be a pretty vital piece of info to include, I see no reason why anyone would want to do this. You have kids together, the least you can do is talk to the man, FFS! How would you feel if he up and left you without any warning?

MrsPicklesonSmythe Tue 19-Jun-18 16:56:14

What you're describing is the basic ups and downs of any marriage. It all takes work and you need to give him a chance. You haven't mentioned any abuse here so on the face of it you would be unreasonable to leave without giving him a chance.
By all means have a plan in your head and some money put aside if you feel you'll need it but sounds like you want to actually go and let him find out after

MrsPicklesonSmythe Tue 19-Jun-18 16:57:08

*martial rough patch I meant sorry

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